Friendship…or does this dirty little (white-girl) secret seek revenge?

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    Actually, not so much revenge, it’s more about bringing some honesty to the situation, and not being a dirty little secret any more…and maybe a teensy bit of ‘take that asshole’!

    I had a BIG love story – it started as a drunken fumble with a friend (Sri Lankan Tamil parents, grew up in Western country); which turned into a casual fling – he’d told me he’d probably have an arranged marriage…then we fell deeply madly in love, & it wasn’t mentioned again. Together over 20 months, spent an awfully big part of the week together.

    Six months before we ended things, all was lovey-dovey, but next minute he tells me there’s a proposal from a girl & he has a date with her the next night. He tells me about the date in great detail….and so it goes on for six months. Him saying he’s not yet sure if he wants to marry this girl, whilst still seeing me. I did my best to make the most of him during that time – we were blissfully happy together, but now add tears, bargaining and despair into the mix. The more he told me about this girl, the more I felt unworthy and distraught. My heart felt like it was shattered for every single one of those six months. We split when his sister came to live with him.

    On the day we parted, vowing to always be friends, I realised that evening that the whole thing had been a lie. There was no bride waiting for him, he’d made the whole thing up. Watched me cry and beg and tell him how I loved him, made-up stories about her….he denied it, but all the lies fell into place and finally he admitted he’d wanted to end the relationship & this was how he decided to. Over SIX MONTHS???? Using me as company (he doesn’t have friends). Using me in his bed!

    He says he will tell his sister about us so we can still meet as friends…but ‘after’ his parents have visited; another delay. I love this man so bloody much and can’t imagine him not in my life. But I’m so confused – Should I be friends with the man who purposely put me through Hell?  My option is, a little message to his mum explaining things (they weren’t allowed to know about us)…that would bring a little truth to things. I would no longer be invisible. After being disregarded and discarded, I would feel empowered and released. Help me be a kick-ass gal here guys, what should I do?


    Dear English Rose,

    You can’t be serious!  I don’t know who this guy is but he must have seen you coming.  Why have you let yourself be used like this?  He’s fooled you into thinking it was all lovey-dovey whilst just happening to mention that he was having a date with a woman who was to be his intended wife.  Why did you let this continue for six months?  Because you were blissfully happy together and finally, when you realize he made the whole thing up, you felt unworthy and distraught.  Why are you playing the victim here.  He wasn’t using you in bed any more than you were using him.  I must say, he didn’t try very hard to end this relationship any more than you did.  You can hide behind love if you want!  Maybe it’s time you tried to be a little more honest with yourself.

    The day you feel empowered will be the day you accept your own responsibility in all of this sorry little saga, stop imagining that you can remain friends (unless it gives you a feeling of power), don’t have anything more to do with him or his family and tell him to get the hell out of your life forever.  That’s empowering and that’s releasing.

    What should you do?  Kick your own ass out of there!



    Hi EnglishRose,

    Of course, you could always go for a Two-fer: Write a note to his parents imploring them to meet with you and give you a chance so he doesn’t marry this new fiancée! His parents will know he’s seeing a white girl AND lied about an engagement!

    However, Peggy is correct: Best to move on, block him from everywhere, and never see him again (even if it means moving to an undisclosed location). Karma and life have a way of doing our own revenge for us in far more creative ways than we could have ever imagined!





    Your story reminds me of the adage, “there are no victims, only volunteers.”

    I would focus on looking at yourself and understanding why you I love this man so bloody much.



    English Rose,

    I think everyone here is onto something deeper about your relationship.

    Could you seek revenge?   YES.

    Were you done wrong by another?  If what you say is the whole truth of the matter then, YES.

    Could you take what you learned and drop the hurt to continue without thought of this matter again entirely? YES

    Did you allow this to happen after major warning signs?  YES.

    But, who allowed it to continue to hurt you and for what reason once things became known to you? As much as Mark speaks of the truth behind an old adage and your love for one who seems so crooked, I think you need to take time away from any emotional attachment to this person in your life be it love, forgiveness or revenge, and ask yourself if in fact you used him for some need of your own as much as he apparently used you.

    If for no other reason than your need for love and affection, even if it be from one who displayed such lack of uprightness in relationship towards another, you have no more right to seek revenge for the things when, in fact you accepted him piling more hurt upon you by continuing the relationship just to get, or in hopes of getting, what you were using him for in your life.

    Everyone is a user at times, everyone is even a victim sometimes at the same time as being a user…. it is inevitable in life and the relationships therein. To what degree, for what reasons and at what benefit or loss to self and/or another is the question of what gives just rights to keep continuing the interpersonal issues.  When it is true love and selflessness, it can continue forever in harmony.  When it is a matter of self-induced agony or at the hands of those (including the self) that do not have a mutual respect for a duplicity within beneficial relationships then…. if someone doesn’t just walk away less interested in revenge or in carrying the pain of some perceived loss not worthy of being called a loss rather than recognizing that sometimes you just have to move on without the care for the baggage then people continue to get hurt…. on all or just one end.  One must have true and balanced respect for the self, without it there can be no true and balanced respect for others.

    I guess the question is, do you want justice, do you want vindication or do you want to move on and have some peace without the need for continuing to disrespect the self and keep drawing what you may seek and need from a tainted well that will give you the opposite of it?    Think of it this way; It is said that true wisdom is the ability to find one’s self in the position of continually needing less of it. What course of action could you follow that you think will bring you closer to being wise? The answer is in if what you choose reduces the poison you’ve put to your own lips in your life thus far.

    Best wishes,

    The Grinning Goat

    P.S.- I understand that you are hurt but, there is no reason to call yourself a “Dirty little white girl” unless your actions in life thus far have led you to have suspicion that you really are.  It is natural to feel ashamed of ones self but only if they truly know they have disrespected themselves and somehow thought their subconscious wouldn’t find out. You know what I mean by what you described yourself as and, I hope you also know you are better than you want to think you let yourself be taken a ride for. Go look in the mirror and see the pretty woman again! (and you might already know what you need to do in regards to this relationship in order to convince your subconscious you are that pretty woman again!)


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