May 27, 2019 at 9:58 am #295947
So this is my second post and I feel a second major thing that I am dealing with in my life right now. I have been trying to meditate past it. I have talked to so many people but nothing helps. Some days I am calm, but then other days I stress over it to no end. I understand that this post is very secretive so not a full truth.
I feel like a lot has went badly for me over the past two years. One thing in particular, I am not even allowed to discuss in detail, for various reasons.I live with the burden that I must hold it in and carry with me on a constant basis. I simply can not tell anyone about what I have done and it is eating away at me slowly.
I try not to feel hate, but there is one person in my life that I truly hate. I can not stop hating him/her. I met him/her in 2017 only one time. This person has been my parasite and bully ever since. This person has latched onto me and I can not get rid of him/her no matter what. I regret meeting this person.
As a result of attaching himself/herself to me I watched someone get away with terrible things that feel more like fiction than real life. It is real, and the damage and pain they bring to others who fall into his/her path varies in intensity. This person has destroyed lives. I only know about the wrong doings of this person because they have attacked me and continue to attack me and I am constantly forced to focus on them and uncover their dark truths to defend myself. Other victims of this person have found me. This person has also altered my life in a very bad way.
When this person originally decided to fixate on me I was so stressed out that I lost weight, sleep, time, and ability to carry out day to day tasks. Eventually I learned to live with the parasitic person. It is a part of my life now. He/She is always there even though not there. He/She has someone else do their bidding to me. I am never mentally at peace, and feel like it will never end. Sometimes I revert back to my initial feelings of not eating etc. I have tried therapy but it doesn’t seem to make me feel any better or give any clarity to the situation.
The situation makes no sense. The person bullying me is ridiculous and beyond reason. I am not sure they are mentally well. This person can not be reasoned with because they are not grounded in reality. I am the fixation of their delusion, paranoia and the embodiment of their fears that all truths will eventually be revealed to the public. This person has gone through extreme nonsense to silence me.
I sat in patience since 2017 and watched this person away with terrible things and no one seems to care or do anything at all. I went through great lengths to bring the bad actions of this person to the light after they targeted me. For a while it seemed like this person would be stopped. But then only about a month ago I got correspondence from the proper depts, etc that no one would do anything.
This person is getting away with everything which includes tricking and physically hurting others. The way they hurt others seems to be in the gap of something you would report to the cops-vs an agency. So no one does anything.
Finally, convinced that justice would never be served I did something that I regret in such a stupid and impulsive way that I can now never take back. It was impulsive and stupid because I have been stressed out for two years. The correspondence of those letters made me just simply not care anymore in the moment. If i had thought it out I would have been able to take it back and I would have some peace. There is absolutely no way for me to take back what I have done. In my mind I have magnified what I have done and fear that I will somehow get caught. I have made the bad situation I was in worse for myself. At least secretly and mentally.
I have tried everything to take back the one thing that I have done. I can’t tell anyone what I did out of fear of being discovered. As this person has chosen to bully me through a frivolous lawsuit in the legal system. I feel like every action I do is under a magnifying glass that might one day be discovered. For this reason I am also emotionally not at rest and live in fear of even speaking about it or doing anything that any normal person would do being given in this situation. Even if i complain to the authorities it is used again me. I was a threat and this is how this person silenced me.
What i did was fully with good intentions for others. What I did was done in truth and wanting justice. I did not do anything wrong initially. Now what I have done might have been a little wrong. If found out my bully will use it against me only to hurt me further.
I wake up in a panic that the small thing that I did will be discovered. Writing this here might even be stupid but nothing else has really given me peace.
I don’t even know why I feel so guilty if i’m honest about this. This person is so bad. It is apparent that they do not feel guilt or remorse in anything they do. This person sees themselves as the victim. This person lies and does things that actually physically hurt others. Why do I feel so guilty for wanting the truth to be out there.
I am also writing this because it feels like the best confession I can get.
How do I live with this?May 27, 2019 at 10:53 am #295961
There is a person you met two years ago once, just one time. Let’s call him or her P. P does things that hurt other people emotionally and physically and he/she has destroyed lives, but these wrongdoings are not clearly illegal and the police therefore will not interfere. P has harmed you and others, you and other victims have communicated on the matter.
You tried to expose P’s wrongdoings to certain agencies but nothing was done to stop P. The results of your efforts to protect the public was that P filed a frivolous lawsuit against you, and he has bullied you in other ways. At one point, being frustrated and tired, wanting to protect people harmed by P, you did something that you regret because since then you fear that P will find out what you did, and will hurt you further.
There was something just a bit wrong with that thing that you did, and it is the first thing of any wrong that you have done in the matter.
“I stress over it to no end… I live with the burden that I must hold it in and carry with me on a constant basis. I simply can not tell anyone about what I have done and it is eating away at me slowly..I ..live in fear of even speaking about it.. I wake up in a panic that the small thing that I did will be discovered”.
My input: fear is not dangerous in itself but living with intense fear day in and day out is dangerous. We are more likely to get into accidents for one, being tired and distracted, our functioning in life is poor and our quality of life is very poor. This kind of fear as you describe needs to end.
I assume you saw an attorney when P filed a lawsuit against you? Reads to me that you didn’t receive so far competent legal advice regarding how to proceed. The police will not help you, neither did any agency you contacted. Legal help from an attorney you hire, is what I think will help. You have to know what is P’s power. You may be overestimating P’s power. Get quality legal advice and take it from there.
I hope to read more from you.
anitaMay 27, 2019 at 11:57 am #295979
Well first correction what he/she is doing is very illegal just no one cares sometimes I wonder if this person had have connections.
I was actually questioned by a government law enforcement agency for hours. There might still be an investigation I don’t know. They found me I didn’t go to them.
I do have legal representation that is good it just takes so long and so much stress and this person and every time something happens it’s like it is just starting s over again. The cost is high so that is a burden as well. This person is a liar I have seen them lie with no remorse in court. This persons representation is also corrupt and every acquisition despite no evidence must be heard and examined. So the harassment is never ending.
I have learned to live with the case. It’s the guilt of something I have done recently. Even though for a good purpose how do I get past the guilt.May 27, 2019 at 12:38 pm #295983
I see, there is a whole lot to the story. I understand about corruption, quite common and we are all victims of multiple corruptions, political/ financial… but you are personally involved, with this P. The guilt you mentioned, is there any way that because of what you did innocent people in the matter can be harmed?
anitaMay 27, 2019 at 1:04 pm #295991
Is your attorney aware of this impulsive thing you did? Also, were you questioned by law enforcement before or after this thing you did?
BMay 27, 2019 at 1:04 pm #295993
What I do was to prevent innocent people from being harmed. 100% with good intention. But it has taken over my thoughts that I will somehow be caught. This person is bad so being caught is scary.May 27, 2019 at 1:05 pm #295995
I wish I didn’t do it even though with good intention. I can’t take it back.May 27, 2019 at 1:08 pm #295997
@brandy no my attorney is not aware I will not tell him as if I do then it will be bad. I am magnifying it in my mind so maybe it is more than it is. Law questioned me over a year ago so way before.May 27, 2019 at 1:08 pm #295999
Your guilt regarding the thing you did is not about causing other people harm then, because it cannot be harmful to others, it is about it being harmful to you, basically it is about you feeling bad about making a mistake, doing something impulsive, sort of beating yourself up for making a mistake?
anitaMay 27, 2019 at 1:09 pm #296001
To be clear what I did no one would consider bad other than the person who has been bullying me.May 27, 2019 at 1:12 pm #296003
@anita I think the guilt is because I know what I did could have been Ana I fly stupid for me. I’m the only one that will suffer because of what I did. Maybe it is guilt and fear. I am overwhelmed with thoughts that I will be caught and this bully will become worse. I would like to think that everyone other than the bully would be thankful for what I did.May 27, 2019 at 1:13 pm #296005
Amazingly stupid*May 27, 2019 at 1:14 pm #296007
I don’t understand your guilt. If the person I referred to as P is a bad person who destroys other people’s lives, including your own, and what you did can hurt only P, why are you feeling bad about hurting a bad person?
anitaMay 27, 2019 at 1:31 pm #296009
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Maybe guilt was the wrong word. Fear. Fear that I will get caught and he will hurt me more. I’m not doing anything else.</p>May 27, 2019 at 1:49 pm #296011
Identifying the problem is necessary when looking for solution. So it is fear, not guilt. And telling your attorney about that thing you did can hurt you, you wrote. Isn’t your attorney, for you and not against you, working for you, to protect you? I am trying to understand how telling your attorney can hurt you.
I will be back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. I hope you post anything of relevance before I return and that other members answer you as well.