Not the best. Here’s an update

I posted this on another forum

Had an LDR gf for 1.5 years. I let a lot of red flags slip by and I became really passive and accepting basically shaping myself little by little to her needs. I would describe her attachment style as avoidant and me as a anxious attachment style. Anyways first year was okay we visited each other constantly but when she was on vacation and she went to my place she was relatively calm. But when she was working and I went over to her place in Japan (and even when she wasn’t working) we always bumped heads since I was in HER personal space. It always wasn’t good enough, my cleaning and she was uncomfortable as was I. After that. And during the first year she would question why she was in a lost distance relationship. She valued proximity and I couldn’t move to Japan until 5 years until I was vested at my work. I tried getting a 7 on 7 days off job but wasn’t successful and was devastated. Idk if we really understood each other as I had to ask a bunch of questions to get her to talk about herself. I like my partners to share about themselves, that’s one of my love languages. She was getting exhausted because she was trying to explain things and felt like her point wasn’t getting across. The way she phrased things was weird, she had a British English. Well like 10 months into the relationship we had a big fight and she was upset on how I handled it. She had been hesitant about the relationship prior a lot but this is the first time she wanted to break up.. she worked in the film industry so she had no time to have a serious relationship but long distance was perfect for her. Even tho she wanted the proximity. On a random short day she can meet her friends and her bf too. I basically kept the relationship alive each and every time she was thinking about it breaking up. So she was getting into the busy part of her project. She basically didn’t want me to visit her while she was working. I insisted because my favorite band was playing in Tokyo. And she kind of said no and wanted to break up, then said okay you can go and I asked if I could stay with her and she had to think about it. Originally she was slightly not in favor of it and the more she thought that I thought i was entitled to stay with her in semi peak work hours she got upset. I compromised and said I would get a hotel near her. For two nights she let me stay at her place. She said I needed to think about the relationship and what I could do to change. So she said she would be give me my 2nd chance Fast forward to May. She had not scheduled a single visit to visit me sin almost more than 10 months ago. I was very frustrated when she said she made plans with her friends and I should have told her sooner to make plans with her. Mind you our last talk over phone or in person was in January. We were gonna talk March/April but we both missed the time and never really rescheduled. I wanted to break up in frustration and then her dad passes away. I did what any bf would do. Be there but she was in shock..(later she criticized me for trying to be the perfect boyfriend to put on a show)

I always freeze in deaths of loved ones. I waited for her to reach out for me. I kept telling her I wanted to visit at the end of June for an event or I could visit her too. She might have thought I wanted the event more. So she broke up and then started to vent about her Dad and situation. I couldn’t dissociate the two things so I just panicked. Later on I still went to the event but just left gifts and flowers at her place. She was happy at the nice gesture but livid at the thought of me swinging by or attempting to swing by. In mid July she tried to hear me out when she was on vacation but she went really ballistic and one little thing after some seshes of talks made her not want to continue. She then told me something that opened a deep wound, that I couldn’t seize the moment. That hurt since a lot of times in my life I’ve been really close to the goal and success and just fell short. I reacted and called her a bad person. She said her ex did the same thing. And also cheated on her and never apologized. She said she neesed more time one week after to see if she wanted to continue the relationship. During that time she blocked me on her phone and what’s app but not on social media. That’s when I did no contact for 5 weeks and then couldn’t stand it and contactes her a week after my bday. Said I was 34 like when I met her(she was now 36). She just left me on read. She claims to have not blocked me but Im almost certain she did. I would send a message here or there and didn’t realize the block happened until two weeks later. I thought she just muted me. Then I went on a bad frenzy 😔

She also waited until the nasty fight in July to tell me she wanted to take over her dad’s humble coffee business. She waited 1.5yrs to tell me

I started emailing her all my previous’ messages that I had sent. Maybe one every other day. In two different accounts. On Google messages. And nothing. Then I saw she blocked me on other things.. obviously I was suffocating but I was panicking cuz didn’t know if she had moved on. Apparently it was her Dad’s passing I later found out. But she just up and left no word. For 4 months. I sent a letter that I would be in her town for close to 2 weeks. Then no response. I left a package with gifts and same message.. nothing. I thought it was completely over and I was never going to Japan again. So I wanted a fairwell. One week before she broke with me I had a one night stand as a lie because I was so upset at everything, she didn’t want to visit me, she didn’t want to talk to me about her Dad and the most important thing I wanted to ask about the event again and I didn’t think she would blow up like she said. So I told her in a letter as a final farewell and letter. I chased so much and she didn’t make an effort to contact or see each in many months. So I wrote it. Dunno if that’s the sole reason she replied, cuz her ego was hurt but then I retracted everything and told her it was to get her attention. She said the relationship flourished because I kept it alive she also said she didn’t that feel bad and that I should have known and waited for her but she had not told me anything about healing .she just up and left..and she said she never wanted to see me again. After the retract, she said she lost trust.. that I broke her boundaries and that I disturbed her peace. And that the reason she broke up with me was because she needed peace in her mind and clarity and I wasnt providing any of that.

Did I mess up by telling her the cheating part? it was a lie but I felt horrible, but I owned up to it. It wasn’t right, I completely regret it but now it’s done and I can’t go back..did I ever have a chance? Or to win her back in retrospect? Or was this doomed from the start. Now when I go to Tokyo I’ll always think of her. I’m always fixated on her body type as it’s not common and she fit my ideal girl language and type standards. Im still incredibly sad.. I would have continued but with all of this it seemed hard. I think I was just so fixated on the physical, that our connection never really got there. Idk maybe we were incompatible. Ty for reading, cheers-

It’s been 2.5 months since i did this. Its been haunting and eats at me cuz it feels like there may have been some possibility in how she phrased things if i hadn’t lost control of my emotions. Idk if she blocked me one final time, sne deactivated her Instagram or i had bad signal but that triggered the final straw. I never gave her the benefit of the doubt like you said but at some pt I did. And was extremely patient. She just left me with more questions and ghosting and misleading pulling away than answers. She definitely was a dismissive avoidant and displayed that attachment style