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September 30, 2019 at 12:21 pm #315211
KarenParticipantHello,
I think I’ve been ghosted by my boyfriend of almost two years… Last week on Wednesday evening he came home (he has his own place but always stayed with me). he had been out with coworkers after work for a couple of drinks which he did once or twice every week. I asked him how his evening was and he just looked at me, didn’t say anything and went straight to the shower. When he came out I asked what was wrong and he flat out ignored me for the next 15 minutes at least. Wouldn’t even look at me, it was like I didn’t exist. I kept asking and demanding he at least tell me what was bothering him. Finally he told me I had a ‘weird’ look on my face when I asked him how his evening was. I pressed for more explanation and he got angry told me I’m awkward as f*** all the time and he thinks I have hidden negative feelings revolving around his going out. We’ve had conflict over this in the past where he seems to believe I have an issue with him going out with friends/coworkers ect because he thinks I don’t trust him…. I don’t know why.. It could be triggered by me looking at him the wrong way or asking him a question about his evening with the wrong tone of voice… I don’t think I’m a clingy untrusting girlfriend, I never texted or called when he was out, I honestly did not have any issues with him having his own life and doing his own things without me. He ended up gathering all of his things he had at my place and storming out….. The scariest part of the evening was as he was walking out and I was following him through the house to the door pleading with him to just talk to me… He turned around and told me ‘Do not follow me out to the car or you’ll be surprised at what I’ll do’ I think that was a threat?
I tried to text him once on Saturday ‘Can we please talk’ and I still have not heard anything back… He unfollowed me on all social media… But I did snoop on his fb this weekend (stupid) and saw he seems to have something going on with another woman already…She’s posted a couple of cute flirty memes on his page which he liked….
Is this all because he met someone else??? Even so why did he have to treat me like this?? I deserved at least a proper break up….
September 30, 2019 at 12:24 pm #315215
AikoParticipantHa! he’s being immature. Spinning the convo & gas lighting. Typical guilt behavior. Not saying he did anything , but he def needs to grow up and learn how to communicate like an adult.
September 30, 2019 at 12:40 pm #315227
AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
Yes, I think you were ghosted. The start of his ghosting you was when he entered your home and didn’t answer your question about how his evening was.
If this is the first time he behaves this way, not answering you and ignoring you for fifteen minutes or so- the start of his ghosting- reads to me that he entered your place Wednesday having already decided to pack up his stuff and leave. He wasn’t looking forward to the event of packing his stuff, afraid that you will get angry, that you will hurt him in revenge, so he armed himself with rage against you, entered like an angry warrior, ready for a fight and proceeded from there.
Interesting he took a shower first. Maybe he felt that he will be more comfortable as he proceeded with his plan, after a shower, refreshed.
Did he in the past ignore you like he did, not talking to you while you tried to talk to him?
anita
September 30, 2019 at 12:49 pm #315229KarenParticipantI just can’t believe this is how someone would end a 2 year relationship….
Anita, no this is not the first time I received the silent treatment… He was quick to anger and defense in most of the conflict that arose between us. The silent treatment was one of his favorite methods to use when he was angry about something. It drove me nuts and he knew it.
September 30, 2019 at 12:56 pm #315233AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
I can’t believe either a whole lot of what people do. What we people do to each other.
Reads like he was/ is not a nice guy, not someone decent. Did you know that for a long time, that he wasn’t someone nice or decent? I understand his past silent treatments were an indication, the fact he kept doing that even though he knew that he drove you nuts.
Is it that he had great positives, in your mind, to make up for the silent treatments?
anita
September 30, 2019 at 1:06 pm #315235KarenParticipantI think I struggle with self esteem issues and will often find myself in situations trying to win someone over who could care less about me.. There were times I thought yes he definitely loves me but then he’d pull stuff like this and I’d think there is no way he ever loved me.. He was very hot and cold with me and I think I almost became addicted to trying to win that love I was after from him which he’d share in little amounts here and there. I can’t help but wonder was it me??? Did I bring out the worst in him and now he’ll go on to find someone that makes him happy who he’ll treat with respect? I want to see the good in people.
September 30, 2019 at 1:48 pm #315241AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
No, it was not you who brought about his silent treatments, that cruel way of punishing another. When he disrespected you, it was not because you were not worthy of respect, but because he was not a decent person. In other words, really, you are not responsible for his behavior, or in this case, his misbehavior.
I will be away from the computer for a few hours. I have more thoughts about what you already shared and will reply more later. Please share more, anything that comes to your mind and heart. I hope other members will reply to you as well.
anita
September 30, 2019 at 5:36 pm #315257AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
“I struggle with self esteem issues… now he’ll go on to find someone that makes him happy who he’ll treat with respect?”-
– a decent person is respectful of people regardless of their self esteem, he doesn’t mistreat a woman or takes advantage of her because she thinks less of herself.
Having a low self esteem does not mean you are worth less than any other person on the face of the earth. It means you don’t know that your worth is no less than anyone’s.
Think of famous women, rich women, most educated, most beautiful- you, Karen, are worth no less than any one of them. You must be treated accordingly. Don’t settle again for any less than respect.
“I want to see the good in people”, you wrote. That is a nice thought. But practically it is not a good idea to see the good in bad behavior, and it is a good idea to hold people accountable for their bad behavior.
Post again anytime you want and I will be glad to read from you and reply.
anita
October 1, 2019 at 4:06 am #315311
ThonditParticipantHi Karen,
This man of yours is totally immature, coz he was guilty that’s why he act in such a manner. The best way to handle such a humans is by giving them space !!! Take your time and relax ,,,, don’t even text him message! In a week time he gonna come back into his senses. And hence he will be the one to call you.
Thanks.
October 1, 2019 at 9:50 am #315361KarenParticipantI talked to him last night finally. I just wanted to hear him actually tell me its over. He was very cold and angry towards me. I’m just so confused at how it got to this point. I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve this sort of treatment. I always treated him well and tried to make him happy. We practically lived together for the past year. I didn’t nag, pick fights or give him a hard time about anything. All I wanted to do was work towards a bright future together and support each other in our dreams and ambitions. Enhance each others lives
You want to end our relationship? fine but why do you have to be so cruel about it. He said he’d talk to me but this would be the last time he’d ever speak to me and then he’s going to block me on everything. He told me he didn’t love me for a long time. That he was seeing someone else and asked me to please respect that and move on myself. Seeing someone else just 4 days later??! I asked him for how long has he been seeing someone else? They were friends until just this past weekend when they went on their first ‘date’. I asked him why he stayed with me for so long if he didn’t love me anymore? He didn’t know. I got angry and told him he was immature and that this ‘new relationship’ would likely suffer the same fate as ours. He blew up and hit me where it hurt. I’m a recovered alcoholic, 5 years sober. Of course I slowly opened up to him about this over the course of our relationship. I lost a lot of friends when I quit drinking. I also stopped going out and socializing for quite a while. I had to isolate myself from triggers. As a result I don’t really have many friends now. He told me I must be fuc*** up from my alcoholic past because who doesn’t have any friends? He told me I’m boring as hell and probably have ‘mental’ problems to have become an alcoholic in the first place and that I should get ‘help’.
I’m just in shock and devastated. He broke my heart. I’ve never had someone close to me flip on me in such a cruel way and so suddenly.
October 1, 2019 at 9:58 am #315369KarenParticipantI’m literally sitting here at work crying trying to figure out how I’m going to make it through the day. Luckily I have an office so no one has caught me crying yet. I can’t focus on anything.
October 1, 2019 at 10:35 am #315375AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
I am so sorry, Karen, that this man is so cruel, that he told you that you are f** up from your alcoholic past, that you are “boring as hell and probably have ‘mental’ problems” and so on.
His behavior makes me think: what is wrong with him? Or more accurately: what is so very wrong with him?
Reads like he is a very angry man, that he easily lashes out angrily, has no consideration for the feelings of his victims, that he is abusive, repeatedly so, not stopping to consider correcting his behavior, apologizing and making amends f0r his bad behavior.
So, was that the last conversation with him, did he now block you from everything like he said he will, and what do you plan on doing next, if anything?
– congratulations, by the way, on five years of being sober!
anita
October 1, 2019 at 10:52 am #315385KarenParticipantAnita,
It appears he blocked me from everything. I tried to respond last night to his last insult, we were talking via text and my text didn’t go through. so thats it. I know I should just focus on myself and healing, I should not think about what he’s doing but it so hard not to. I can’t stop obsessing over the why? why would he do this? Why was he like this? did I miss some red flags or warnings? or was he just really good at pretending.
Thank you, sobriety was not easy at first but it’s a way of life for me now…. I’m grateful for everyday.
October 1, 2019 at 11:54 am #315405AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
I may be able to help you figure out “why would he do this? Why was he like this?”-
– if you want to try and figure this out with me, tell me all you know about his relationship with his family members, particularly with his parents, including what he told you about them during the relationship with you.
anita
October 1, 2019 at 12:08 pm #315407KarenParticipantHe didn’t tell me much. Both of his parents passed away, his father when he was around 17 years old and his mother when he was in his late twenties. He’s 34 now…. amazing that he would act like this. He had a large family brothers (around 7) and 2 sisters. Two of his bothers passed away and one sister passed away. he is the ‘baby’ of the family. He spoke very fondly of his mother and how much he missed her and wished she was still around. She was loving but stern. He spoke fondly of his father and of how much he respected his father.. but that he was also scared of getting into trouble or disciplined by his father. His father would beat him if he was ever out of line and was very strict. According to my ex this was only because his father loved him and wanted the best for him and his family. His father would also sometimes hit his mother. His religion was Muslim, and his father and family were devout Muslim. My ex was no longer a practicing his religion when we met but he still held on to the beliefs of his religion and expressed that he would someday soon become serious about his religion again…. Does that help?
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