Foster mom has had another arthritic flareup, is in pain, fingers swollen, can barely move her fingers…but refuses to see a doctor. No brace, ace bandage, cream, nor ice helped.

Very concerned about her. She ate very little the entire day, and that was only for breakfast. She didn’t eat anything else. She would tell me she was hungry for food, then I would bring her something and she wouldn’t want it.. told me she’d eat it later. I’m sure that she lost more weight.

At 92 her body is just breaking down in preparation for the next thing. So is her mind and the dementia.

Her memory, comprehension and retention is worse. She forgets very easily, gets confused often, hygiene is still poor, health is declining, etc …

Underneath her eyes have gotten puffy, and I have gotten her numerous creams and serums for her to try. She hasn’t tried any long enough, and expects instant results. She recently told me she used to put the whole body deodorant underneath her eyes (without my knowledge)and that the puffiness vanished.

So, everyday she asks me multiple times a day to get her some more. I refuse. I’ve explained that it doesn’t belong anywhere on her face, nor inside of her. She doesn’t believe me and refuses to use anything else. Which is why I’m not getting her anymore. If it’s in her house, she’ll insult and argue with me until I give in, or she would probably ransack my things looking for it.

I feel terribly and badly for her. I wish that I could make it all better and take it all away..but I can’t..and it’s gruesome and frustrating.

She looks so weak, pitiful , defeated and deflated. Her face has sunken in some. She looks exhausted, and tired of it all.

It must be dreadful to be that age (or any) in poor health, knowing that soon your life will be completed. To come to terms with letting go of goals, knowing that there’s nothing by societies standards to accomplish nor strive for anymore…the highlight of the day being TV and staying in bed..

At any age .. really… especially if you’re expecting the grim reaper to come soon..

Next day .

Foster mom woke up and was fussing about being in pain and declining my offers to call her children to take her to the do so . Later on she finally agreed. One son didn’t answer, and she made me wait an hour or so before contacting another one.

Foster mom is very stinky and reeks of filth. She still doesn’t wipe herself properly nor well and her hygiene isn’t the greatest. While waiting for her to be picked up… I helped her wash properly and put on clean clothes after lotioning down… even after I did all of that foster mom still smelled unpleasant a little.

I guess it may be a part of her natural body odor. Combined with her medication and body’s natural decay.

She is sickly as well.

Got her ready ..and by the time her son was on his way…she was being difficult about getting ready and dressed promptly. She fused at me and told me that he’ll just have to sit and wait because she isn’t ready. I told her that people are busy and don’t have time to sit around and wait, especially after theyve asked you to be ready at a specific time. She didn’t see it

that way.

I told her that her daughter in laws brother was stopping by to bring her food prepared by her daughter in law in 20 minutes and I needed to get her downstairs.

She told me to leave without her

I told her that I couldn’t do that because I needed to properly strap her in the electric chair so that she can go downstairs.. After the doorbell rang and her son showed up, I was able to get downstairs.

While sitting in her electric chair going downstairs she told her son that it was her first time using it, and asked me if that was correct.

I told her multiple times, about 15. .and she went off on me in front of her son.. she said that wasn’t true and I must have lost my mind…

That really upset me, and I was embarrassed…ready to cry ..and just said okay.

As soon as they left, I broke down in tears for awhile.

I am having a difficult time in life without everything going on with her…so I cried and didn’t stop until they were 5 minutes from returning.

She’s had another arthritis flareup.. gout this time. Been prescribed anti inflammatory for a few days.

When she came home in front of her son she told him that the yard looks a mess and that she wants it the way it was when I was doing it.

When we got inside in front of her son she went on me about how untidy the house was and how displeased she is.

I told her that I’m working on it.. and she kept going on, until her son told her to give me a break and that I’ll get it done.

I was so embarrassed and humiliated.

She doesn’t like noise, nor do I ..so I have to work around her and wait sometimes to clean when she’s asleep..but I can’t do too much then, because I have to remain in an area where she can be heard in case she needs me. Can’t run the vacuum or anything in the middle of the night. Can’t clean with cleaning products because the smell is too much for her ..she doesn’t like opening up her window…as she gets cold easily and is afraid that her already damaged curtains will come down or get more damaged.

She doesn’t like me taking things down, moving things, cleaning walls and such.

She feels embarrassed when company comes, and I’m in the middle of cleaning..she gets angry and verbally abuses me during those times too.

Getting concerned about foster mom. Her already poor appetite is declining even more. The last time she ate was yesterday..around 8:am and it was only a mouthful of food. Told me she wasn’t hungry for lunch, dinner, nor snack. Offered her food this morning and she didn’t want any more than a mouthful.

Said she doesn’t have a taste nor appetite.

Dryer still not working, while they were gone had to wash clothes and hang them in different places around the house to dry. Foster mom didn’t like that.

While gone , accidentally didn’t put the washing machine hose in the pipe and water got on the floor, and seeped down to the pipes in the garage, and was leaking inside as well as outside.

Realized what I did, and quickly put towels down to dry it, and a fan in the garage. It’s almost dry . hopefully there won’t be more mold and mildew…nor decay.

When they were gone, twice neighbors knocked on door…I got frightened because they wouldn’t leave and I don’t open the door for anyone unless informed ..even when foster mom is home.

I guess they were going to Inform me of the leakage .something in my head clicked and instantly realized about the pipe not being attached then.

Worried about foster mom. Ever since she’s returned, shortly after ..she’s been asleep.

She returned around 12:30pm and It’s gone on 8pm and she’s still asleep.

When she got up, her bed and pillow were soaking wet with perspiration. She told me that she didn’t know why she was sweating and that in fact she was. Changed her soaking wet clothes, and took heavy comforter off of her bed.

Noticed when she woke up she could barely keep her eyes open. She fell right asleep while I was trying to put a cough drops in her mouth. Hope it’s nothing serious.

Another day. More chaos and confusion in my life

next day:

There has been constant noise for many hours daily…due to construction, people fixing up houses, loud noise of people.

I also hear squirrels underneath floorboards and running around constantly…from a hole outside. I have told her children about it multiple times every year, and it still hasn’t been fixed. All of these things happening give me a headache daily.

Another day.

Foster mom seems to be in better spirits. Hopefully it will last.

Earlier today foster mom told me when she was sleeping yesterday, that something whispered in her ear and told her that she was going to die soon, and to get ready. So she’s been telling me little tiblets and requests throughout today.. further traumatizing me.. she told me let her family take what they want from the house first , and i can have whatever is left. That i should always keep the yard and house clean if i can.. always pick up the trash outside, etc…

all of this is very traumatizing and depressing.. and not what i needed compounded to the rest of everything and my lifelong depression. I know that it’s going to happen soon, i just like pretending and distracting myself. i don’t know if there’s a “bright” side to this.. i guess it depends on the individual perception, philosophy and perspective. i cannot suffer less if i will never know if the suffering discontinued at some point. i don’t know if there is transference, peace, an after life.. i don’t know if what we’re “living” in is primary life, or a continuation.. and if a continuation, how many times prior did we continue? what number of continuation is this? if there is an after of “existence” we dont know what that consists of. could be bliss or suffering.. could be billls, employment, etc… we just don’t know. .and maybe we never will.

i do know that death is one of the “purest” honest things and experiences in the world. It is beautiful, it is tragic, it is colossal, it is a spectacle, it needs witness, it needs solitude, it is matrotrophic, it is catastrophic, it is a place , it is beautiful, it is frightening, it is goal, it is honest, it is cruel, it has freedom, it has debilitation, it is empowering, it makes cowards, it makes us cower, it makes beggars, it makes thieves, it robs, it brings addition, it is a journey.. a challenge for all, etc..

can live with her, cant live with her, cant live without her, cant live with either absence and void, have no choice for either

all of this has made my day very depressing and i have been finding places to tuck myself in and cry.