Dear Dan:

I hope that you feel better real soon.

If you would like my input on any topic, please let me know (by addressing me by name and letting me know what kind of input you would like). Otherwise, I say my goodbye and send you my best wishes!

anita

Dear Dan:

I owe you an apology, so here it is: a week ago, Sept 23, I wrote to you: “I would very much want to continue our conversation on self-parenting for as long as it takes. Please let me know what you think about this reply and we can keep talking, for as long as you would like” (I added the boldface feature just now).

But yesterday I lost my patience with you and said my polite, yet angry goodbye. I got angry because you often take a long time before you reply and because in your most recent post, you did not respond to the content of my post of the same day. I wasn’t tolerant or forgiving of the fact that you are having a difficult time and that yesterday, you were feeling particularly unwell. *Also, there is no wrongdoing in an OP (you) not replying to a Responder (me) at all, or replying late (I often tell members who apologize for replying late that there is no such thing as late replies, that replies at any time are welcome).

Because Tee submitted such an excellent, moving (to me) reply on the topic of self-parenting, right above, and because I read her input to other members on the topic, I recommend that you take her offer to talk about self-parenting/ parenting the inner child. Sometimes it’s better that an OP engages in a conversation with one responder, so that the communication does not get diluted or disturbed by the participation of a 2nd responder. Therefore, I will stay away from a conversation I hope to take place, but will be glad to (patiently) communicate with you further following such a conversation, and/ or on a new thread that you may start, if you wish.

anita

Thank you for accepting my apology, for your honesty and for expressing your appreciation, Dan. You are a kind person.

anita

Dear Dan,

unfortunately there is no option to send a PM on this forum.

I understand this is a very sensitive topic and that you might feel uncomfortable talking about it on a public forum, even if anonymously. If you feel uncomfortable sharing more about your parents’ reaction, then I’d suggest to talk about it with your therapist, because I think it’s very important for your healing.

In an ideal case, you should have received your parents’ love, compassion and protection, so that the harm and the trauma you’ve experienced would be minimized. But unfortunately, parents are often far from ideal, and their reaction can harm us further, rather than help us. I am sorry if your parents’ reaction was not as loving and supportive as it should have been.

Whatever you choose to share here, I will be glad to answer.

Dear Dan,

My parents didn’t know about it and I didn’t tell my family until I was 23 years old.

What do you think was the reason for not telling them? There could be plenty of reasons, e.g. your parents were really busy and you didn’t want to burden them with your problems, or they might have been criticizing/strict and you didn’t feel safe to confide in them, or your brother was telling you not to tell anyone…

The fact that you didn’t tell your parents till you were an adult tells me that you either didn’t feel completely safe and secure to share something like that with them, or that you were afraid of your brother (or alternatively, you wanted to protect him), and that’s why you didn’t say anything.

I can imagine that you felt very alone and frightened during your childhood, having to endure the pain and the trauma on your own, not sharing any of that with your parents. There might be even some similarity with your situation with your wife, where you felt very alone and miserable when she couldn’t spend time with you, and yet you didn’t complain, you kept it for yourself and tried to endure. Would you say that some parts of how you felt with your wife (when you felt neglected and rejected) remind you of how you felt during your childhood?

I am sorry you are feeling down these days…and I know how it is to be abandoned and feel inconsolable… But I still think that a lot of that pain is the pain of your inner child. In fact, my guess is that your wife – when she was available and could spend quality time with you – was meeting some of your unmet childhood needs. And I think that’s why you saw her as your source of happiness…  What do you think? Do you think there might be some truth in it?

Dear Dan,

I feel very broken at the moment and do not want to feel this way. There are so many things that I know I need to address and don’t know where to start.

I hear you… The first thing is to have a lot of compassion for yourself. You don’t need to fix anything at the moment. Give yourself time.

Healing begins with self-acceptance and self-compassion. Accept yourself exactly as you are at the moment, with all your good and bad sides. Accept everything, without judgment. Do you think you can do that?