Dear Mr. Ritz:

Today, Sept 14, 2022: “My struggle with anxiety has been going on for a long time. There have been 2 major changes to my life and I feel worse than ever in spite of assuming that these changes would bring improvements… I’m ‘retired’ now and will have plenty of time… we got a nice big check at closing… The problem is my anxiety is a bad or worse than ever!.. I just turned 60 and maybe I bailed out of the workforce too early? (My wife and her friends are taking bets on when I get another job). I’m just not sure what it’s going to take for me to ever be settled and content without anxiety. I thought these changes would have done it, but I was wrong”.

May 14, 2016, your very first post (exactly six years and 4 months ago): “So here I am at nearly 54 years old and looking into yet another career change (real estate this time?) Long story, but try to finish it. To be honest, I’ve pretty much hated every job I’ve ever had. Started out working for my father as a machinist”.

December 25-26, 2018: “I swear I just can’t figure myself out. It’s Christmas day, been off for the past 4 days and the boredom is terrible… I’ve been looking forward to not being at work, even stressing about the vacation  getting approved. Ok, got a week off with nothing to do and am hating it. Am I workaholic?.. I keep imagining retirement is going to be great…. Or will it? Why do I look forward to time off?..

“the arthritis is worse (it’s never going to get better is it?) I’ve accepted it as a normal part of life. It’s been bad this past 3 weeks as I have been doing manual labor at work… Maybe I have to be working in order to feel useful and not be accused of being a lazy person (something I think is a holdover from my father). Even though he passed away 6 years ago, I still feel him over my shoulder sometimes”.

I wrote to you the day after, Dec 27, 2018: “I hope you will do whatever is medically sound to feel better having arthritis, whatever is recommended to practice daily so to minimize further damage, discomfort and  pain… So it is  your father’s voice raining on your vacation parade,  I understand. It  is  amazing, no matter our age, really doesn’t matter, that  voice  is still there. But  as amazing it is, it really is understandable. We shed our skin, not our brain, so the neurons that  recorded his voice keep replaying  that  voice. There is a way  to turn down the volume  of that  voice, eventually silence it. It is a very  long process but you do have time now, being  on your vacation, to practice turning  down its  volume. First step to  do it  is to notice it when it starts speaking. Distractions are helpful, give  you breaks from that voice, but it  doesn’t  go away without attention and  intent, noticing it, then lowering its  volume, again and again. It also takes believing that  really, you are not  lazy, that he was  wrong. That takes time, changing  core beliefs that were  never  true to begin with”.

Today, I say: (1) Take care of your physical health best you can, and  (2) Take care of your mental health: now, being retired,  you have time to work on what I believe to be the source of your ongoing, lifetime anxiety: your very difficult relationship with your father when you were growing up. His criticisms and mistreatment of you set your anxiety in place for decades to come and beyond his death. What do you think of my understanding.. far-fetched?

anita

Dear Mr. Ritz:

It feels good to read that you don’t think that my understanding is far-fetched. About replacing the deck in your house, a few years ago, I sat on a chair on the deck while wood planks were stacked below on the grass, in preparation for replacing the deck. Somehow, I was sitting too close to the edge of the deck and fell backward, landing on the wood planks.. oh the pain. I screamed but no one heard, I thought I was about to die, moaning and groaning. Finally I was heard and taken to the ER. Point to the story: it can always get worse, so pay attention, be mindful. When it comes to fixing an old house, from the roof to the deck… there are hidden- and not so hidden opportunities to get seriously hurt, so pay attention. A situation that feels like it’s bad, can turn out so bad, that you’ll miss the times you thought it was bad.

anita

How are you these days, Mr. Ritz?

anita

Dear Mr. Ritz:

You are welcome. In regard to your new dog: I’ve been wanting a beagle puppy for a long time, but like you, I am concerned about the extra responsibility. It’s interesting that there is hardly anything (is there a single thing?) that has a plus side and no negative side, your antidepressants included. There is always a cost and a need to weigh in cost vs benefit.

“I must have seen 7-8 in the past several years. A couple were good, some weren’t. No one has ever really gotten to the bottom of my issues. Also got a new dog…. Maybe it was a little too early for me to get her? I feel like maybe I should have had the house finished first?“-

– how about this as the bottom of your issues (I am smiling because I know that I am not a professional and I am not diagnosing you…) : lack of confidence (and the anxiety involved) in regard to your competence in making the right choices because of a father who told you that what you were doing was wrong, wrong, wrong…? (Maybe…?)

anita