Dear Anita, thank you for your post 🙂 Damn it, its been a while again..

I’m good thank you, currently doing some work on my computer, at my fav café. These days going through quite intense transformational processes, haven’t had much energy for anything else than surviving – I’ve been in survival mode so to speak. ( perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever ). So all is good, working on getting out of surviving mode and arriving at a point where I could create instead of solely survive. Work is okay but not as good as I’d like it to be and my relationship has been going through intense processes too – I feel this is necessary for both of us in order to grow together.

I will write more these next days. How about you? How are you feeling this year? Anything bothering you these days? Or, anything you feel grateful for? 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

I’m at the café again – working, They are playing jazz music today. I’m wondering wether I should be moving outside on their terrace or stay in for the music. Its really sunny today, its really nice. On my left, there’s a nice poster on the wall. Its been there for months now. I was hoping to get some private clients for english courses and / or workouts. Sadly it didn’t bring any clients. I live in a ”posh” aria where most people are quite fit and speak english so maybe they can’t be bothered. Every day I see it, I’m reminded both that things didn’t work as I expected and that I tried – that I put my creativity and hearth in it, wanting to share my knowledge and energy with my community. On a bad day, I see it as failure – a reflection of my worth in some way.. a clear indication that I shouldn’t try to create my own path..and I guess, a couple of years ago I would’ve believed that. I would’ve taken it personally and I would’ve given up on my quest for finding my own way, my higher expression. I was just thinking now…

Although it might seem I haven’t done that much these last years ( at least professionally ) – I’ve learned that it takes time to find your own way. It takes time to pave your own road and find the confidence to walk on it knowing where you’re headed. Maybe it would’ve been easier if took a more standard approach (?), anything really – perhaps the corporate world would’ve spared me the logistics and paved a smooth and safe road for me. As long as I followed instructions and didn’t rock the boat too much the road would stayed smooth and safe until I was old enough to retire and sip mojitos on the beach for as long as I have left. ( by then, most likely in my 90’s). But now.. would that really different form my upbringing? Is it really that different? I think I’ve conformed and suppressed my inner fire ways too much in the past to know that’s probably not my best best bet. Of course I’m not saying all corporate workers are inhibiting their development by working in the corporate world. What I’m saying is that I probably wouldn’t benefit much from that sort of structure, because that wouldn’t really make me grow – at least not in the way I feel I need to.

Think about it. What I need, is to feel ( and have ) agency in my life – and for once be in control of my decisions and create, give from my hearth. I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath if u want.. and I’d rather use that to create instead of seeing it as weakness. I think in today’s society we discourage people to be sensitive, and I think I understand why – but I am not going to start ranting about society right now… 🙂 Perhaps I sound like a hippie or some new age spiritualist but you know what? It does feel right to me. I feel at home when I explore more esoteric sides of human nature and less the ones created by my ego. I love cars, clothes, watches and cool sunglasses – no one makes them better than the Italians. Although its hard to let go of these ”parts of me” I’ve started to see it all for what it is and I realise that even If I really wanted to.. I couldn’t do anything else than whatever my calling is – even if I don’t quite know right now precisely what that is. And that’s okay – I’ll get there. I am actually getting there.. right now, slowly, every day. Step by step. I see my shadow, the ego driven part of me dissolving and accepting the more sensitive parts – the same parts my coping mechanisms have been protecting from the world, from judgement. The charisma I’ve created in order to make sure I won’t be challenged by others, is slowly dissolving. The character I’ve created, often seemed confident, cool and arrogant – because I thought arrogant people don’t get hurt. I thought assholes where always in control.
Perhaps I was right at that time. I was also very afraid and no wonder I was 🙂 I was too afraid to look inside so I looked elsewhere. I looked everywhere.
Now, with my heightened sense of awareness and courage to look inside, with your help and with the help of other like minded people – I’m starting to build my own road. And this ain’t no boring highway in the middle of nowhere – this is a bumpy, twisty road connecting the young, insecure Robi to his older, confident – adult Robi. You know what they say… Twisty roads lead to beautiful destinations.

As for the ego-based nicely dressed, fancy car loving Robi – Its okay.. I wouldn’t really mind tackling those twisty corners in a rosso corsa F355. But its also fine if I don’t 🙂

I hope it’s getting warmer there Anita, and you’ll be able to enjoy some nature and sunlight. I remember you mentioned living somewhere closer to nature 🙂 I wish you a beautiful day! What are you grateful for today? Lately I’ve realised how grateful I am for where I am today. It helped me accept who I am every day.

Yes, I think its time for me to move outside and get some sun 🙂
Take good care of yourself!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Its been a little while again, but not that long this time 🙂 I’d like to write here more often but somehow I don’t find the time – funny how the more free time I have the less time I feel I actually have to do stuff.

At the café again, having my coffee – its almost 11 am here. It feels like I’ve recently been through a a couple days of heavy rain, a tornado, couple of earthquakes then fell from the 10 floor, hit every single branch of an oak tree and fell on my ass. Now, I’m drinking coffee, planning my gardening activities for later on today. That’s what I’ve been doing yesterday too.. for about 8 hours. Then in the evening I’ve watched the second Matrix.. these days I feel those films more and more relevant. Anyway! Feels quite good to do things in the garden, things around the house. It also helps me think. I guess there’s something really special about doing physical work, with no music playing in the background, no podcast, no one to talk about anything. However, I would often talk to myself.. very often out-loud.

I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I seem to fall in a void which sucks all my energy and leaves me with almost nothing to give to myself ( not to mention to others ). I feel so fed up with the way I’ve been living and the way I’ve been functioning and thinking. I’m sick of my old and current self. Sometimes it feels like they are both the same. Perhaps I am going a little nuts. The worst thing about it is that.. that doesn’t happen that often when I’m on my own. It often happens when my girlfriend is here with me. When I’m on my own I do some work ( if there’s any ), train, listen to podcast, music etc. I seem to find balance. Maybe when I’m on my own I find it easier to escape. Although I don’t drink / smoke / take any drugs / play computer games ( well a little bit of Gran Turismo just not to get too frustrated for not having a car here ), I do escape in different ways. Apart from the workouts and meditation / breath work sessions which could be also a form of escapism, I often listen to podcasts about self mastery / spiritual growth etc. Now… I know these are a lot healthier than alcohol and cigarettes and they have taught me a lot – no doubt about it. But there’s also something I’ve noticed. Listening to someone who is a few steps ahead of me, someone who maybe represents an example of some sort I seem to get the feeling of action – like I’m doing something about it. In some ways, I am. I am educating myself – but this often stops here. And I know that only listening and understanding things from a theoretical point of view will not take me where I want to go. It’ll take me to the airport but I’d quickly realise that I haven’t packed anything and I also have no plane ticket. So here I am in the airport realising I won’t be flying anywhere. This happens again and again. Not this time. Perhaps the next time will be the one.

But could next time be the one? Well.. Why? Again, the acting part doesn’t seem to come easy to me. I’ve been listening and preaching all around me but not practicing what I preach. I feel like a fool 🙁 And that’s exactly how I should feel right now. I’ve fooled myself, again.

Now, what was I saying? About the tornado.. My relationship doesn’t seem to benefit much from my current situation. Me and my girlfriend have been arguing quite a lot these last months. Although I think we need to so some work both independently and separately, I think we reached a point where we have to change something. Going on like this will almost surely lead to a breakup. Both of us are drained of our vital energy. We spend a few days apart, we recharge a little and argue once we spend some days together. After a few days of arguments we again take a little break so we can recharge. This is insane. Many weekends have been like this – saying sorry when saying goodbye, hoping next time will be better. Sometimes it is better – but often it isn’t. Yes.. so something needs to change. Definitely!

You’re probably asking yourself.. but why are u guys arguing? Well.. I think it’s mostly my frustration coming out. I feel frustrated with my situation, with the job(s) I don’t like, not having much of a community here, finding it hard to work / take up life’s challenges etc. We end up arguing, crying for a long time. Both of us end up so drained that we cannot function anymore. In those moments I feel like a zombie – I feel like I’m losing my mind. Perhaps that’s not far from the truth. It is my mind creating all this pain over and over, it is my mind bringing it up all the time so I don’t forget ” who I am ”. My old paradigm / old programs / old patterns are surfacing so often to remind me why I’m a prisoner of my own mind.
Well, there’s a lot of pain and frustration in me. You probably already see some similarities between my current situation and my upbringing. There’s a huge battle in me.

Should I go back to Romania? Should I go back to Spain? But Spain was so sunny and nice. Maybe If I go to Romania it would be easier for me.. maybe I can just take any job I can there, and somehow fit it and do whatever anyone else does. I feel like I’m a loser.. maybe I shouldn’t have ever left Romania… I’ve wasted all these years in Spain and Poland – reached 32 years old with no career, almost no job and I haven’t contributed to any retirement plan yet. What If my parents are right? What If I’ll end up having no pension, no job, having to sell all the stuff I’ll be inheriting in order to stay afloat? What If I buy a Ferrari instead? – they didn’t say that but I thought that would be funny :))
Maybe I should forget about finding my own way. Maybe I can’t do it. Maybe I’ll never reach my potential.. maybe there is no potential. Maybe I should give up.

But I’ve been through all this! I came this far. Am I really a loser? Yes I do find myself stuck.. not being able to find work that fulfils me. Or maybe I’m really blocked by my own fears and I can’t step out in oder to do work that challenges me. Maybe I have to do ”easy” stuff because I don’t find the energy in me to face criticism or pressure. I’m 32 years old and I find it hard to do a few hours a week at the language school. I find it easier to do the other online job I do – because it isn’t challenging at all. But I feel frustrated! I feel angry with myself! Of course I do.. As a young child I wanted to be a car designer – to design beautiful cars. I sang opera songs in front of my parents and their friends. I played the piano like no one else in our local music school. I used to create, use my imagination and sensitivity.

These days I cry a few times a week, numb myself with personal development prospects and take it out on my girlfriend. The other day I told her I regret coming to live in Poland. I told her that I regret leaving Spain twice in order for us to be together. I told her that I’ve sacrificed so much for this relationship and she hasn’t done almost anything. Well.. you can probably imagine how she felt hearing this. She feels guilty for the way I feel, she feels guilty for me being here, a country I don’t like. ( a country I don’t like whenever I feel like s*it ). She also feels guilty for not having more time to spend together, because she has to work. So often I feel like I’m here so we can be together but she’s a little too busy – so we don’t actually get to spend that much time together. ( something she feels guilty about ). But than again.. should she feel guilty about this? Well, the answer is probably NO.

Now.. There’s the frustration connected to my jobs, frustration for being stuck, for not having done better by the age of 32. On the other hand, there’s the pain and guilt for taking it all out on my girlfriend. Of course, she isn’t guilty of anything. Do I subconsciously want her to be? Why? Maybe it’s no one’s fault. Does it have to be someones fault?
Well, yes. If I stick to what I’ve learned.. than the answer has to always be yes. You see, my father always did that. Whenever something didn’t go his way, it was someone else’s fault. It’s the neighbour’s fault. It’s the government. Its women in positions of power – that’s why he feels frustrated. You get what I’m pointing at. The last one I don’t think is present in my personality – at least not on a conscious level.

The other day I found myself telling my girlfriend that Poland is a piece of sh*t country because it started raining.

I am not trying to say it’s my father’s fault. Far from it. But lately I have seen a lot of that ( of him ) in my behaviour patterns. So I cannot not think of it this way. Not if my behaviour resembles his so much. There’s also almost an addiction to drama / to pain / suffering / conflict? That’s more like my mother.
It’s like I need drama / pain / suffering / conflict to remind me who I am. And you know what? Maybe its partly true. Maybe I need all that. I often feel like I need all these emotionally charged arguments / situations so I can feel like myself. Perhaps It’s the familiar that I crave. Have I been surrounded by painful conversations / drama / constant complaining / frustration / violence throughout my childhood?

Well.. okay. Fine. So I don’t want to let go of what I know, even if what I know brings me pain and frustration. How does this work? Is this like the daddy issues kinda thing? Girl gets treated like s*it by father and later on in life dates older men / assholes / older men who also happen to be assholes? Is that it? God dammit. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of almost constantly dropping in an unconscious state of mind where I throw sh*t at everyone, feel guilty for it, cry ( reset ) and then go on with my life like nothing happened. Until the next time.

Well Anita, I keep saying I am stuck. And well.. that is CORRECTAMUNDO!!! I am exactly what I keep saying I am. The above sentence could be used in a dictionary to describe being stuck. I don’t really know how to break this habit.. the habit of being myself. Of course, I’ve read half of the book with the same name. New York Best Seller! Maybe I’ve only read half because I’m afraid it would actually help me achieve just that – Breaking the habit of being myself.

I do feel better now. Of course I do. I ranted again for a while. But this doesn’t change much. I’d have to take action.. and that is still hard for me to do. It’s still hard not to get lost into my ( much healthier these days but still keeping me stuck ) forms of procrastination. I will not give up 🙂

Thanks for reading Anita,
I hope all is good over there. I see you now have a profile picture! Good to see you! I’ve always imagined you with shorter hair. No idea why 🙂

Take good care!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for this!!!
God dammit, I should’ve checked this more often 🙂 I’ve had very blurry days recently and It hasn’t been easy to stay focussed. Escapism is still here – in different forms but still present. These days I’ve been obsessing about getting the right sunglasses. I like sunglasses – I also need sunglasses ( I have very sensitive eyes so I have to minimize eye strain as much as I can ). I first decided the original Ray Ban Wayfarers 2140 are not the right thing anymore. They have been for over a decade, I’ve had multiple pairs but I’ve felt I want a change. Don’t we all. So I’ve got myself a pair of Persol shades instead. Fancy, high quality and hand made in Italy. Had them for about a week and sent them back. They didn’t feel right.. made me look weird and I’ve decided I won’t be changing anything. I’ve ordered a pair of Wayfarers again – but this time tortoise with brown lenses. I thought at least I can use a change from the usual black. I thought I can keep the frames which fit me perfectly and change the colour. Didn’t like them either so I didn’t take ’em. Ordered the third pair – this time I went for the usual black Wayfarer with polarised lenses. Had then for almost a week now and .. well.. I don’t like them that much. The quality has decreased and they don’t feel as premium as they used to. I’ve decided to keep them anyway since I do like Wayfarers a lot – maybe more than anyone should. Of course, now.. I’ve been considering getting a pair of Persols too… Because I really like their craft and the way they look. Persol 714 with havana frames and blue lenses. They are cool as f***!

The question is. Why is this necessary? This is not about the sunglasses is it..

I’ve spent almost one month looking for sunglasses – reading, searching, trying on, ordering, sending back. I felt as If if I don’t ”solve” this, I cannot move on. I’ve spent countless hours looking at reviews and overthinking wether I should get Ray Ban’s or Persols. I didn’t want Raybans because they have big logos and I’d like something high quality but quiet about it – no logos. That’s okay I guess.. wanting not so show off with your branded things but there’s something wrong here. Why spend all these weeks almost constantly thinking about the sunglasses when I could’ve done anything else? Is it the fact that I have more free time now at the end of the teaching season?
Now, I’ve found someone selling a pair of pre owned Persols.. and I’m considering maybe getting those too if they are in good condition. I sometimes tell myself – This is not necessary! Other times I tell myself – once I have the Persols too, I won’t get anything else. Part of me knows that owning both Wayfarers and Persols will not make me feel better. I would like to have both pairs, yes. They are both iconic and stylish and since I wear sunglasses almost every day.. I would make great use of quality eyewear. I just don’t quite know where the truth is in all this. Somewhere in the middle I’d usually say.. although this time I’m not sure 🙂

This has happened before.. after seeing Pierce Brosnan wearing Birkenstocks. F**** Birkenstocks! Can u imagine someone spending days thinking wether he should buy a pair of sandals? But I didn’t get Birkenstocks. I’ve tried a pair and felt like I’m walking on rocks.

I apologise for ranting about sunglasses. I know, most people don’t care that much about sunglasses and wether they are made by a machine in China or by the hands of someone from China who lives in Italy. But It’s been a little tough to be honest.

NOW. About your post. Emotional suppression? Rings a bell – big time. Very good words to describe my functioning – and not only mine. My parents have been always like that and I used to notice that. The thing is.. I didn’t know it was emotional suppression I was noticing. I was noticing the disconnection from others and the lack of connection between them. I often felt they acted stiff and uncomfortable around each other. Myself included – but that goes without saying. As someone who has inherited some of that, now, as an adult – I feel them. Of course, I might be somewhere else as a 32 years old today. My father was 35 when I was born and my mother was 29. Different times then in Romania – now things are slowly changing but people are still very stiff.
Indeed for a long time I’ve felt like I don’t quite know how to handle my emotions. I’ve always felt like I didn’t know what to do with them. what you wrote above describes me very well – it describes the way I interact both with strangers and within my relationships. And I’ve noticed my parents doing that too.. Recently more and more because I’ve been getting better at it in the last years living in melting pots amongst foreigners. Thank you for noticing my progress – I often don’t feel like there has been much progress but I know that’s not true. I’ve learned a couple of things.

These days I’m starting to ”accept” that maybe I’m depressed. My girlfriend thinks I might be. I guess you might agree with that. Maybe I’m in denial. I think maybe I’ll have to go to therapy. And don’t get me wrong… I have nothing against that. Its just that very often it felt like therapy in the traditional way doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried – its true it has been only one particular therapist I’ve seen about.. 8 to 10 times throughout the last 5…6 years. I’m starting to see that things don’t just get better if I sit around on a mat breathing like Wim Hoff and taking cold baths after. Lifting weights and punching the bag doesn’t fill in the gap between myself and the clarity of what it is that I feel. It does help though – and that’s great!

But I need more help. I just don’t know where to look.

I’ll be going to Romania for the summer months – I’m flying on the 24th this month. There isn’t much work here for me for the summer and I’d like to take care of the house while my parents go on their month long holiday. I also want to do some work around the house – panting the gate, fences, doors, window frames – work a little on my rally car. Yes.. I have a ’93 Peugeot rally car :)) – I promise I won’s start writing about cars. All this sounds okay.. I’ll be able to still work online and make some money and spend ways less over there. My girlfriend will be there for some weeks to so we get to spend some quality time together. But my mother hasn’t been fine recently.. She’s having both breathing and hearth problems she has to sleep wearing an oxygen mask – like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Except she’s in bed sleeping. That’s what she said to me the other day and I guess its good she’s treating it with a little humour. However, it does hurt me. It really does. For years I’ve been feeling scared her situation will get worse.. and I see it does. Both of ’em are getting are slowly getting worse. She will have to lose weight and start eating better and I want to try to help her. I’ve found a horizontal bicycle for her and me and my dad will pick it up on our way back from the airport. I’m a certified personal trainer after all.. so I do know a thing or do about losing weight and eating well. I can try. I know this might not change a thing.. but I have to try.

Lately I felt I’ve been escaping a lot.. I haven’t really got stuck in front of the TV.. Often If I watch something its something I could learn from.. so its maybe a documentary. Or.. well.. what am I saying ? Lately I’ve been looking at sunglasses – but let’s not get back into that. I just don’t know what to do with all this. I don’t know how to feel all this. I’ve been feeling so lost and anxious, helpless, angry and defocussed in the last months and now there’s more coming my way knowing my mother isn’t well at all. All this made me shut my feelings completely and put me into a compulsive zombie mode cast away on the fashion industry island. I should I know a lot better than that.. but I guess all of us have to escape a little sometimes. I sometimes tell myself its okay. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.. I don’t take any drugs and I don’t stuff myself with food. Of course its not ideal but I’m not willing to numb myself with alcohol or anything else so if I had to choose I guess I’ll go with the Persols. But maybe I can do better than that still.

These last days have been though no only because I keep realising I haven’t really achieved what I wanted to achieve when I moved back here in October last year. I’ve made some progress and I’ve made some financial progresses but I am still not completely independent. These days felt tough because on top of that there’s more now. Actually it almost didn’t feel at all because I’ve been distracted enough. And I don’t blame myself – not really. I understand why and I also understand why this needs to change. It will.

This might sound a little blurry – I’ve been here in the cafe sitting outside – gone through most of my energy for the day. I now feel exhausted and a little numb. I still need to do 3 more hours of work and a workout.

I’ll go now, get that workout done and get back to work. I really apreciate you creating this space for me to talk and be heard. Thank you!

Robi

Dear Anita,

Summer is finally here. We’ve had very wam days in April and quite cold and rainy days in May.Now It’s getting real – its summer and its hot. Already a little too hot. I guess those electric cars don’t really work after all.

These days I’ve been thinking about what you said in your previous posts. Something resonated very much – although you didn’t specifically say it, but after reading your posts last week I was left with a feeling of abandonment. I felt like I’ve in some ways abandoned myself. I’ve disconnected myself from my inner child and I’ve built a wall between myself and the things that had meaning for me – the things that felt exciting and made sense to me. Although at first glance these things might appear superficial they still constitute a big part of who I am – even after suppressing them in the last years. I’ve disconnected myself from the things that since I cane remember, brought me joy.

When I was a kid I knew who I wanted to be. In many ways I knew a hell of a lot more about who I wanted to be than these days. Perhaps there was less noise back then and I haven’t yet got as many layers of conditioning. I guess many of us experience that. I think many of us know what makes sense to us at an early age and most of us get disconnected from that at some point. Everybody talks about it – getting back to yourself. Those bumper stickers we were talking about. Not to mention hundreds / thousands of books which touch on the topic. After reading your posts, there was this realisation
– ” I don’t really do that much of the things that I like. I am not in any way surrounded by those subjects that once brought me joy. I seem to have built an island for myself – like that crazy italian guy in the 60’s. What was it called.. the Rose Island?
I seem to have distanced myself from most of the things that once took all my focus, all my attention and often made hours fly. You are probably asking yourself – ok, so what is it that you always liked?

Well. It’s cars. My passion for cars. My parents were putting me on the back seat of a red Dacia 1310 – that’s my first ever memory. I can remember it perfectly. During those years nothing else really mattered to me – I could spend an entire day looking at cars. I often did. My grandparents use to take me for walks on our main boulevard and I used to name every single car I saw on the road. I could identify all of them – I recognised their shapes and badges. As I grew up I remember them always telling these stories at family reunions. It’s been a while since I’ve heard them telling that story. I often miss them and I wish I’ve spent more time with them. Funny thing – they are playing old pop songs from the early 20’s today in the café. They seem to have very well suited my trip back to the memory lane.

Throughout the years, as a teenager I was mostly interested in cars. Of course, I loved watching movies and listening to music, playing instruments, playing around with music making software but nothing came close to my love for cars. While growing up I only wanted one thing – time to pass faster. I wanted time to speed up. I wanted to be 18 so I can drive a car. Back then during my teens and early 20’s most of my friendships were connected to the car community. Long nights driving around, talking about cars with my friends and often racing each other. I’ve done some stupid shit back then but I remember feeling the most alive when driving.

So WHAT exactly has happened then? How did I go from being part of a community built around the thing I loved the most to – living abroad for almost 10 years disconnected from all that and not really trying to find that somewhere else. I mean.. people love cars all over the globe but I’ve never really tried to be part of that. I’ve accepted that for some reason that isn’t an option. I’ve found excuses not to do the thing I love the most.

Well – Bingo! The answer is always the same. The answer is F E A R.

You see. In order to fuel my passion for cars – being part of the community, owning cars I like, photographing cars for a living, being part of the automotive industry in some way, being a car designer ( btw that was my dream as a kid – I didn’t dream about teaching English in Warsaw, Poland – go figure :)) ) – I would’ve had to do the same thing I’ve been struggling to do for as long as I can remember. I would’ve had to put myself out there and earn a living. I would’ve had to take responsibility – a thing I wasn’t very good at. But I was too afraid to do that – so I ran away from it. I’ve tried to disconnect myself from it instead. Now that I look at it I feel like in many ways I’ve been denying myself. I was in many ways denying an important part of myself – the burning passion for cars. I’ve often tried telling myself that I’ve left that behind and I’ve distanced myself from all that because It had no meaning, because it was all ego-based anyway. I’ve told myself that now I am pursuing something more meaningful and I’m looking for myself in a more spiritual way. Maybe that is true, maybe all that is in fact needed.

But that’s f*cking bullshit! It had meaning – of course it had meaning. To this day, my entire world stops if I hear a car coming. My first thoughts are – ” Is that a V6 or a V8? “. I can’t hear anything else if there’s an engine note in the background. Everything else gets cut-off. My girlfriend’s voice often goes on mute when such situations occur. She does not like that I can tell u that much. But I cannot help it. And I wouldn’t like to help it either. This is something I really, really like.

Now I understand why some become hippies and decide to cut down on their expenses often by cutting down their needs and desires. In many ways I’ve become one. But it wasn’t because I didn’t want to encourage consumerism. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to give my energy towards superficial needs. It wasn’t because I wanted to distance myself as much as possible from the corporate system and the toxicity of our modern society. I’ve almost became a hippie because I was afraid! I was afraid of taking responsibility for my own needs and desires. I’ve put most of my needs and desires in a box and locked them in the storage room – perhaps the same storage room I’ve been residing in for so many years. Maybe I’ve done the familiar thing.
These days I’m telling myself that who I am today doesn’t get along with the my older, less ”spiritualised” version.

But why not?

I see that after diving deeper into spirituality and better alignment with myself my excuses have changed too. But what if – better alignment with myself also means – connecting with the things I’ve always loved. Isn’t that the whole point?

What do I expect? Some book to tell me what I like and what makes me happy? Finishing Arnold’s book soon and I realise Arnold has better things to do than telling me what it is that I love to do. I know what I like. I guess we all do, deep down.

So now what? Well.. I’m going to Romania for a couple of months. And you know what? I’m going to take out my rally car and slowly restore it. I like that car so much and I’ve worked my ass off in order to pay for it. Actually, it’s the only substantial thing I own and bought for myself. It’s such a special little sports car. Like I did with my needs and desires, I’ve left it there, stored in the garage for years! I often felt like it was wrong not to cater to my needs. A lot of shame has been bottling up. It’s okay – it’s not too late.
I’m gonna sit with it, and little by little restore some life into it. Hopefully I’ll manage to find the fit the right parts so I can take it out for a drive. I, also need to be taken out for a drive. Perhaps I could also use some restoring 🙂

I don’t quite know where I’m going to take it from here but I feel getting closer to the things I know I like will help clear out some clouds. I’ve done so many things that had nothing to do with who I am and maybe its time I gave things I actually like a chance.

Thank you! I would’t have made these steps without you!
Take good care Anita!
Robi