Dear Anita, thank you for your post 🙂 Damn it, its been a while again..

I’m good thank you, currently doing some work on my computer, at my fav café. These days going through quite intense transformational processes, haven’t had much energy for anything else than surviving – I’ve been in survival mode so to speak. ( perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever ). So all is good, working on getting out of surviving mode and arriving at a point where I could create instead of solely survive. Work is okay but not as good as I’d like it to be and my relationship has been going through intense processes too – I feel this is necessary for both of us in order to grow together.

I will write more these next days. How about you? How are you feeling this year? Anything bothering you these days? Or, anything you feel grateful for? 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

I’m at the café again – working, They are playing jazz music today. I’m wondering wether I should be moving outside on their terrace or stay in for the music. Its really sunny today, its really nice. On my left, there’s a nice poster on the wall. Its been there for months now. I was hoping to get some private clients for english courses and / or workouts. Sadly it didn’t bring any clients. I live in a ”posh” aria where most people are quite fit and speak english so maybe they can’t be bothered. Every day I see it, I’m reminded both that things didn’t work as I expected and that I tried – that I put my creativity and hearth in it, wanting to share my knowledge and energy with my community. On a bad day, I see it as failure – a reflection of my worth in some way.. a clear indication that I shouldn’t try to create my own path..and I guess, a couple of years ago I would’ve believed that. I would’ve taken it personally and I would’ve given up on my quest for finding my own way, my higher expression. I was just thinking now…

Although it might seem I haven’t done that much these last years ( at least professionally ) – I’ve learned that it takes time to find your own way. It takes time to pave your own road and find the confidence to walk on it knowing where you’re headed. Maybe it would’ve been easier if took a more standard approach (?), anything really – perhaps the corporate world would’ve spared me the logistics and paved a smooth and safe road for me. As long as I followed instructions and didn’t rock the boat too much the road would stayed smooth and safe until I was old enough to retire and sip mojitos on the beach for as long as I have left. ( by then, most likely in my 90’s). But now.. would that really different form my upbringing? Is it really that different? I think I’ve conformed and suppressed my inner fire ways too much in the past to know that’s probably not my best best bet. Of course I’m not saying all corporate workers are inhibiting their development by working in the corporate world. What I’m saying is that I probably wouldn’t benefit much from that sort of structure, because that wouldn’t really make me grow – at least not in the way I feel I need to.

Think about it. What I need, is to feel ( and have ) agency in my life – and for once be in control of my decisions and create, give from my hearth. I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath if u want.. and I’d rather use that to create instead of seeing it as weakness. I think in today’s society we discourage people to be sensitive, and I think I understand why – but I am not going to start ranting about society right now… 🙂 Perhaps I sound like a hippie or some new age spiritualist but you know what? It does feel right to me. I feel at home when I explore more esoteric sides of human nature and less the ones created by my ego. I love cars, clothes, watches and cool sunglasses – no one makes them better than the Italians. Although its hard to let go of these ”parts of me” I’ve started to see it all for what it is and I realise that even If I really wanted to.. I couldn’t do anything else than whatever my calling is – even if I don’t quite know right now precisely what that is. And that’s okay – I’ll get there. I am actually getting there.. right now, slowly, every day. Step by step. I see my shadow, the ego driven part of me dissolving and accepting the more sensitive parts – the same parts my coping mechanisms have been protecting from the world, from judgement. The charisma I’ve created in order to make sure I won’t be challenged by others, is slowly dissolving. The character I’ve created, often seemed confident, cool and arrogant – because I thought arrogant people don’t get hurt. I thought assholes where always in control.
Perhaps I was right at that time. I was also very afraid and no wonder I was 🙂 I was too afraid to look inside so I looked elsewhere. I looked everywhere.
Now, with my heightened sense of awareness and courage to look inside, with your help and with the help of other like minded people – I’m starting to build my own road. And this ain’t no boring highway in the middle of nowhere – this is a bumpy, twisty road connecting the young, insecure Robi to his older, confident – adult Robi. You know what they say… Twisty roads lead to beautiful destinations.

As for the ego-based nicely dressed, fancy car loving Robi – Its okay.. I wouldn’t really mind tackling those twisty corners in a rosso corsa F355. But its also fine if I don’t 🙂

I hope it’s getting warmer there Anita, and you’ll be able to enjoy some nature and sunlight. I remember you mentioned living somewhere closer to nature 🙂 I wish you a beautiful day! What are you grateful for today? Lately I’ve realised how grateful I am for where I am today. It helped me accept who I am every day.

Yes, I think its time for me to move outside and get some sun 🙂
Take good care of yourself!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Its been a little while again, but not that long this time 🙂 I’d like to write here more often but somehow I don’t find the time – funny how the more free time I have the less time I feel I actually have to do stuff.

At the café again, having my coffee – its almost 11 am here. It feels like I’ve recently been through a a couple days of heavy rain, a tornado, couple of earthquakes then fell from the 10 floor, hit every single branch of an oak tree and fell on my ass. Now, I’m drinking coffee, planning my gardening activities for later on today. That’s what I’ve been doing yesterday too.. for about 8 hours. Then in the evening I’ve watched the second Matrix.. these days I feel those films more and more relevant. Anyway! Feels quite good to do things in the garden, things around the house. It also helps me think. I guess there’s something really special about doing physical work, with no music playing in the background, no podcast, no one to talk about anything. However, I would often talk to myself.. very often out-loud.

I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I seem to fall in a void which sucks all my energy and leaves me with almost nothing to give to myself ( not to mention to others ). I feel so fed up with the way I’ve been living and the way I’ve been functioning and thinking. I’m sick of my old and current self. Sometimes it feels like they are both the same. Perhaps I am going a little nuts. The worst thing about it is that.. that doesn’t happen that often when I’m on my own. It often happens when my girlfriend is here with me. When I’m on my own I do some work ( if there’s any ), train, listen to podcast, music etc. I seem to find balance. Maybe when I’m on my own I find it easier to escape. Although I don’t drink / smoke / take any drugs / play computer games ( well a little bit of Gran Turismo just not to get too frustrated for not having a car here ), I do escape in different ways. Apart from the workouts and meditation / breath work sessions which could be also a form of escapism, I often listen to podcasts about self mastery / spiritual growth etc. Now… I know these are a lot healthier than alcohol and cigarettes and they have taught me a lot – no doubt about it. But there’s also something I’ve noticed. Listening to someone who is a few steps ahead of me, someone who maybe represents an example of some sort I seem to get the feeling of action – like I’m doing something about it. In some ways, I am. I am educating myself – but this often stops here. And I know that only listening and understanding things from a theoretical point of view will not take me where I want to go. It’ll take me to the airport but I’d quickly realise that I haven’t packed anything and I also have no plane ticket. So here I am in the airport realising I won’t be flying anywhere. This happens again and again. Not this time. Perhaps the next time will be the one.

But could next time be the one? Well.. Why? Again, the acting part doesn’t seem to come easy to me. I’ve been listening and preaching all around me but not practicing what I preach. I feel like a fool 🙁 And that’s exactly how I should feel right now. I’ve fooled myself, again.

Now, what was I saying? About the tornado.. My relationship doesn’t seem to benefit much from my current situation. Me and my girlfriend have been arguing quite a lot these last months. Although I think we need to so some work both independently and separately, I think we reached a point where we have to change something. Going on like this will almost surely lead to a breakup. Both of us are drained of our vital energy. We spend a few days apart, we recharge a little and argue once we spend some days together. After a few days of arguments we again take a little break so we can recharge. This is insane. Many weekends have been like this – saying sorry when saying goodbye, hoping next time will be better. Sometimes it is better – but often it isn’t. Yes.. so something needs to change. Definitely!

You’re probably asking yourself.. but why are u guys arguing? Well.. I think it’s mostly my frustration coming out. I feel frustrated with my situation, with the job(s) I don’t like, not having much of a community here, finding it hard to work / take up life’s challenges etc. We end up arguing, crying for a long time. Both of us end up so drained that we cannot function anymore. In those moments I feel like a zombie – I feel like I’m losing my mind. Perhaps that’s not far from the truth. It is my mind creating all this pain over and over, it is my mind bringing it up all the time so I don’t forget ” who I am ”. My old paradigm / old programs / old patterns are surfacing so often to remind me why I’m a prisoner of my own mind.
Well, there’s a lot of pain and frustration in me. You probably already see some similarities between my current situation and my upbringing. There’s a huge battle in me.

Should I go back to Romania? Should I go back to Spain? But Spain was so sunny and nice. Maybe If I go to Romania it would be easier for me.. maybe I can just take any job I can there, and somehow fit it and do whatever anyone else does. I feel like I’m a loser.. maybe I shouldn’t have ever left Romania… I’ve wasted all these years in Spain and Poland – reached 32 years old with no career, almost no job and I haven’t contributed to any retirement plan yet. What If my parents are right? What If I’ll end up having no pension, no job, having to sell all the stuff I’ll be inheriting in order to stay afloat? What If I buy a Ferrari instead? – they didn’t say that but I thought that would be funny :))
Maybe I should forget about finding my own way. Maybe I can’t do it. Maybe I’ll never reach my potential.. maybe there is no potential. Maybe I should give up.

But I’ve been through all this! I came this far. Am I really a loser? Yes I do find myself stuck.. not being able to find work that fulfils me. Or maybe I’m really blocked by my own fears and I can’t step out in oder to do work that challenges me. Maybe I have to do ”easy” stuff because I don’t find the energy in me to face criticism or pressure. I’m 32 years old and I find it hard to do a few hours a week at the language school. I find it easier to do the other online job I do – because it isn’t challenging at all. But I feel frustrated! I feel angry with myself! Of course I do.. As a young child I wanted to be a car designer – to design beautiful cars. I sang opera songs in front of my parents and their friends. I played the piano like no one else in our local music school. I used to create, use my imagination and sensitivity.

These days I cry a few times a week, numb myself with personal development prospects and take it out on my girlfriend. The other day I told her I regret coming to live in Poland. I told her that I regret leaving Spain twice in order for us to be together. I told her that I’ve sacrificed so much for this relationship and she hasn’t done almost anything. Well.. you can probably imagine how she felt hearing this. She feels guilty for the way I feel, she feels guilty for me being here, a country I don’t like. ( a country I don’t like whenever I feel like s*it ). She also feels guilty for not having more time to spend together, because she has to work. So often I feel like I’m here so we can be together but she’s a little too busy – so we don’t actually get to spend that much time together. ( something she feels guilty about ). But than again.. should she feel guilty about this? Well, the answer is probably NO.

Now.. There’s the frustration connected to my jobs, frustration for being stuck, for not having done better by the age of 32. On the other hand, there’s the pain and guilt for taking it all out on my girlfriend. Of course, she isn’t guilty of anything. Do I subconsciously want her to be? Why? Maybe it’s no one’s fault. Does it have to be someones fault?
Well, yes. If I stick to what I’ve learned.. than the answer has to always be yes. You see, my father always did that. Whenever something didn’t go his way, it was someone else’s fault. It’s the neighbour’s fault. It’s the government. Its women in positions of power – that’s why he feels frustrated. You get what I’m pointing at. The last one I don’t think is present in my personality – at least not on a conscious level.

The other day I found myself telling my girlfriend that Poland is a piece of sh*t country because it started raining.

I am not trying to say it’s my father’s fault. Far from it. But lately I have seen a lot of that ( of him ) in my behaviour patterns. So I cannot not think of it this way. Not if my behaviour resembles his so much. There’s also almost an addiction to drama / to pain / suffering / conflict? That’s more like my mother.
It’s like I need drama / pain / suffering / conflict to remind me who I am. And you know what? Maybe its partly true. Maybe I need all that. I often feel like I need all these emotionally charged arguments / situations so I can feel like myself. Perhaps It’s the familiar that I crave. Have I been surrounded by painful conversations / drama / constant complaining / frustration / violence throughout my childhood?

Well.. okay. Fine. So I don’t want to let go of what I know, even if what I know brings me pain and frustration. How does this work? Is this like the daddy issues kinda thing? Girl gets treated like s*it by father and later on in life dates older men / assholes / older men who also happen to be assholes? Is that it? God dammit. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of almost constantly dropping in an unconscious state of mind where I throw sh*t at everyone, feel guilty for it, cry ( reset ) and then go on with my life like nothing happened. Until the next time.

Well Anita, I keep saying I am stuck. And well.. that is CORRECTAMUNDO!!! I am exactly what I keep saying I am. The above sentence could be used in a dictionary to describe being stuck. I don’t really know how to break this habit.. the habit of being myself. Of course, I’ve read half of the book with the same name. New York Best Seller! Maybe I’ve only read half because I’m afraid it would actually help me achieve just that – Breaking the habit of being myself.

I do feel better now. Of course I do. I ranted again for a while. But this doesn’t change much. I’d have to take action.. and that is still hard for me to do. It’s still hard not to get lost into my ( much healthier these days but still keeping me stuck ) forms of procrastination. I will not give up 🙂

Thanks for reading Anita,
I hope all is good over there. I see you now have a profile picture! Good to see you! I’ve always imagined you with shorter hair. No idea why 🙂

Take good care!
Robi