Home→Forums→Tough Times→growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma
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anita.
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January 6, 2025 at 8:26 am #441382
anita
ParticipantThank you Robi and HAPPY NEW YEAR to you 🙂 I wish we both have a great start (middle and end) of 2025, one day at a time, learning something new every day (or having a deeper understanding of something we already learned). Take good care of yourself. Always good to read from you!
anita
February 19, 2025 at 11:11 am #442983anita
ParticipantThinking about you, Robi, wondering how you are doing..?
anita
March 14, 2025 at 7:53 am #444144Robi1992
ParticipantDear Anita, thank you for your post 🙂 Damn it, its been a while again..
I’m good thank you, currently doing some work on my computer, at my fav café. These days going through quite intense transformational processes, haven’t had much energy for anything else than surviving – I’ve been in survival mode so to speak. ( perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever ). So all is good, working on getting out of surviving mode and arriving at a point where I could create instead of solely survive. Work is okay but not as good as I’d like it to be and my relationship has been going through intense processes too – I feel this is necessary for both of us in order to grow together.
I will write more these next days. How about you? How are you feeling this year? Anything bothering you these days? Or, anything you feel grateful for? 🙂
Robi
March 14, 2025 at 10:25 am #444150anita
ParticipantDear Robi:
Thank you for your message! It’s always lovely to read from you, even if it’s been a little while. It’s inspiring that you’re aiming to shift from just surviving to creating!
It’s also good to read that you’re taking the time to reflect on your relationship and see the challenges as opportunities for growth together. It takes strength and self-awareness to approach things that way.
Thank you for asking about me. This year has been fine, one day at a time. Many days where too cold for me, fingers and nose freezing, but I’m grateful for moments of connection— like this one— and for the opportunity to keep learning and growing in my own way.
When I saw that you posted today, I went on a walk on memory lane. Here’s the 🚶-
Dec 7, 2018: “I’m a 25 years old guy living in Europe.
March 4, 2019: “Hey guys Pretty much every day I wanted to write here, but I always ended up doing something else. Don´t know why. I noticed this applies to pretty much everything in my life.. Except procrastinating.. I could be a world champion.
Dec 2, 2019: I am still here in Spain.. after looking for lots of jobs in February and March, I only managed to get a couple of hours a week, teaching English in a language academy.
Oct 2, 2022: So, now I live in Poland. I work online… after some thinking I believe I’m struggling with some sort of ADD… I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed.
Jan 29, 2023: It’s been 6 months since I left Spain and came here to both start a new chapter and live with this woman. It felt right for me to step out of that life and try something new so I came to Poland… There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over. 1) Do I want to be with this woman? 2) Should we go somewhere else?
Feb 18, 2024: Most of my childhood I’ve lived in a guest room which served also as a storage room for my parent’s stuff. The door was made of glass, so I’ve had no privacy… During summer holidays we would go to our lake house. We would spend months in total there. I hated it. I kept telling my parents I didn’t want to be there but the answer was always the same… I felt alone and caged.
March 12, 2024: I’m experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome and insecurities which such up a lot of my energy so I often end up being emotionally tired… I keep feeling like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. I guess I should be good at that – I’ve been doing it all my life in many ways and circumstances.
Dec 16, 2024: I’m now in my favourite cafe, with my computer and my girlfriend. I’m doing some of that online job while my girlfriend is organising her schedule.
March 14, 2025: currently doing some work on my computer, at my fav café… haven’t had much energy for anything else than surviving – I’ve been in survival mode so to speak. ( perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever).
Reflecting on what you shared today about being in “survival mode” and your desire to move from surviving to creating, I see a deep connection to your experiences growing up.
As a child, you lived in environments where you had little to no control— whether it was staying in a storage room with no privacy, waiting for hours at your parents’ workplace, or being forced to spend summers at the lake house you disliked. Your voice and needs often went unheard, which likely left you feeling powerless. Over time, this conditioned you to focus on enduring your circumstances rather than shaping them— a survival mindset.
For you, the storage room and summers at the lake house were consistent, stable aspects of your childhood, but they were forms of negative stability: environments that stayed the same but felt stifling, neglectful, and emotionally painful, leaving you “feeling alone and caged”.
Over time, this kind of negative stability created an unconscious association between “staying in one place” and feeling trapped, unheard, or powerless. As an adult, this could lead to discomfort with stability, even in healthy forms, because it unconsciously triggers those same feelings of being “caged.” In seeking change or new environments, you may be trying to escape those associations.
On the surface, moving to a new place or starting a new chapter may feel like an opportunity to leave old frustrations behind. However, without adequately addressing the underlying emotional wounds from childhood, each new setting or situation eventually starts to feel just as confining or unsatisfying as the last. The act of leaving or starting over might bring temporary relief, but because it doesn’t adequately address the deeper issues, the dissatisfaction resurfaces. This can make it harder for you to break free from the feeling of “surviving” rather than “creating”.
Your habitual procrastination may reflect an underlying discomfort with stability, leading you to resist the structured routines or responsibilities that stability requires. Procrastination serves as a way to avoid committing to stability. It serves as a coping mechanism, offering temporary relief from the perceived threat of stability
I truly admire your reflection, Robi, and the strength it takes to look inward and share these experiences so openly. The journey from surviving to creating is no small feat, but your insight and self-awareness already show just how capable you are. If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’m always here to explore these ideas with you or simply listen. You don’t have to walk this path alone 🙂
anita
March 21, 2025 at 6:04 am #444286Robi1992
ParticipantDear Anita,
I’m at the café again – working, They are playing jazz music today. I’m wondering wether I should be moving outside on their terrace or stay in for the music. Its really sunny today, its really nice. On my left, there’s a nice poster on the wall. Its been there for months now. I was hoping to get some private clients for english courses and / or workouts. Sadly it didn’t bring any clients. I live in a ”posh” aria where most people are quite fit and speak english so maybe they can’t be bothered. Every day I see it, I’m reminded both that things didn’t work as I expected and that I tried – that I put my creativity and hearth in it, wanting to share my knowledge and energy with my community. On a bad day, I see it as failure – a reflection of my worth in some way.. a clear indication that I shouldn’t try to create my own path..and I guess, a couple of years ago I would’ve believed that. I would’ve taken it personally and I would’ve given up on my quest for finding my own way, my higher expression. I was just thinking now…
Although it might seem I haven’t done that much these last years ( at least professionally ) – I’ve learned that it takes time to find your own way. It takes time to pave your own road and find the confidence to walk on it knowing where you’re headed. Maybe it would’ve been easier if took a more standard approach (?), anything really – perhaps the corporate world would’ve spared me the logistics and paved a smooth and safe road for me. As long as I followed instructions and didn’t rock the boat too much the road would stayed smooth and safe until I was old enough to retire and sip mojitos on the beach for as long as I have left. ( by then, most likely in my 90’s). But now.. would that really different form my upbringing? Is it really that different? I think I’ve conformed and suppressed my inner fire ways too much in the past to know that’s probably not my best best bet. Of course I’m not saying all corporate workers are inhibiting their development by working in the corporate world. What I’m saying is that I probably wouldn’t benefit much from that sort of structure, because that wouldn’t really make me grow – at least not in the way I feel I need to.
Think about it. What I need, is to feel ( and have ) agency in my life – and for once be in control of my decisions and create, give from my hearth. I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath if u want.. and I’d rather use that to create instead of seeing it as weakness. I think in today’s society we discourage people to be sensitive, and I think I understand why – but I am not going to start ranting about society right now… 🙂 Perhaps I sound like a hippie or some new age spiritualist but you know what? It does feel right to me. I feel at home when I explore more esoteric sides of human nature and less the ones created by my ego. I love cars, clothes, watches and cool sunglasses – no one makes them better than the Italians. Although its hard to let go of these ”parts of me” I’ve started to see it all for what it is and I realise that even If I really wanted to.. I couldn’t do anything else than whatever my calling is – even if I don’t quite know right now precisely what that is. And that’s okay – I’ll get there. I am actually getting there.. right now, slowly, every day. Step by step. I see my shadow, the ego driven part of me dissolving and accepting the more sensitive parts – the same parts my coping mechanisms have been protecting from the world, from judgement. The charisma I’ve created in order to make sure I won’t be challenged by others, is slowly dissolving. The character I’ve created, often seemed confident, cool and arrogant – because I thought arrogant people don’t get hurt. I thought assholes where always in control.
Perhaps I was right at that time. I was also very afraid and no wonder I was 🙂 I was too afraid to look inside so I looked elsewhere. I looked everywhere.
Now, with my heightened sense of awareness and courage to look inside, with your help and with the help of other like minded people – I’m starting to build my own road. And this ain’t no boring highway in the middle of nowhere – this is a bumpy, twisty road connecting the young, insecure Robi to his older, confident – adult Robi. You know what they say… Twisty roads lead to beautiful destinations.As for the ego-based nicely dressed, fancy car loving Robi – Its okay.. I wouldn’t really mind tackling those twisty corners in a rosso corsa F355. But its also fine if I don’t 🙂
I hope it’s getting warmer there Anita, and you’ll be able to enjoy some nature and sunlight. I remember you mentioned living somewhere closer to nature 🙂 I wish you a beautiful day! What are you grateful for today? Lately I’ve realised how grateful I am for where I am today. It helped me accept who I am every day.
Yes, I think its time for me to move outside and get some sun 🙂
Take good care of yourself!
RobiMarch 21, 2025 at 8:59 am #444301anita
ParticipantDear Robi:
Thank you for sharing this—it’s so intelligently and beautifully written. The metaphor of a “twisty road connecting the young, insecure Robi to his older, confident self” is so vivid and inspiring. It’s a wonderful reminder that life’s bumps and curves aren’t necessarily obstacles but essential parts of the journey to authentic destinations.
I deeply appreciate how you reflect on embracing your sensitivity as a strength. You’ve expressed such a balanced approach—acknowledging where you’ve been, appreciating where you are, and trusting where you’re headed.
As for the ego-driven, nicely dressed, fancy-car-loving Robi—I love how you’ve embraced that part of yourself too, with humor and self-awareness. It’s beautiful to see how you’re learning to integrate all parts of who you are.
The most profound aspect of your resilience is your willingness to look inward, confront your fears, and dissolve old ego-based defenses. By courageously shedding these, you’re allowing your authentic self to emerge.
Thank you for reminding me of the importance of gratitude. Today, I’m grateful for the chance to reconnect with you. It’s getting warmer here, but still cold and my fingers feel frozen much of the time. I’m definitely looking forward to enjoying some nature and sunlight too. I hope you soaked up plenty of that sunshine on the terrace! 🌞
Take care of yourself, Robi. I’m excited to see where your twisty road continues to lead you.
anita
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