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growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma

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  • June 18, 2025 at 11:48 am #446939
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    I decided to respond to you this time with a poem. I’ll title it: Your Car in the Garage

    You left it where the sunlight fades— where still air holds the scent of dust, a little red heart on wheels waiting for your hands again.

    They called it ego, you called it joy. They said grow up, you said maybe later. But the years kept walking, and you kept putting away what made you feel most alive.

    But now— you walk back through memory, a little travel-worn, with sand in your shoes and courage newly born.

    You lift the cover, crack the window, breathe in the silence and the petrol and the past.

    This is not a return to childhood— this is the honoring of truth. Not escape. But integration.

    You don’t need to explain it. You don’t have to call it “a job.”. Just climb inside, let your heart speak— you loved something once. And it loved you back.

    Now—turn the key.

    Warmly, Anita

    June 19, 2025 at 6:51 am #446954
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What a beautiful poem you wrote!!! That left me speechless. It resonates so much that I simply don’t know how to react to it 🙂 I don’t know what to say!

    I feel encouraged to prioritise getting closer to the things I like. I want to be closer to cars – whatever that means. During these I feel very uncertain about every aspect of my life. I need something that’s mine – something that has always been mine.

    Are there still many V8’s driving around over there?

    Take care!
    Robi

    June 19, 2025 at 9:33 am #446959
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    I’m so glad you liked the poem! 🙂

    As for V8s in the U.S., I looked it up: as of 2024, V8-powered vehicles made up about 38% of truck registrations, while V6s accounted for around 47.6%. This reflects a broader trend across the auto industry—downsizing engines for efficiency, with turbocharged V6s and even four-cylinders stepping in where V8s once ruled.

    That said, the V8 still has a loyal following—especially in performance cars like the Ford Mustang, Chevrolet Corvette, and Dodge Charger, as well as in full-size trucks and SUVs like the Chevy Silverado, GMC Yukon, and Cadillac Escalade. General Motors, in particular, is doubling down on V8s, investing nearly $900 million into next-gen small-block V8 production. (www. the drive. com/news/heres-why-gm-is-sticking-with-v8s-while-everyone-else-switches-to-six-cylinders)

    When I read the part where you said (I’m using BIG CASE letters for emphasis in this and in the following quotes), “I need SOMETHING THAT’S MINE – SOMETHING THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MINE,” I couldn’t help but think back to what you shared about your childhood seven years ago, on June 10, 2018:

    “I also hated them for NOT HAVING MY OWN ROOM. Well.. I did. But NONE OF THE STUFF THERE WAS MINE… I NEVER HAD MY OWN SPACE. I never had a room full of posters on the walls and PERSONAL THINGS around… I used to MINIMIZE whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room. I don’t know why.. Maybe I was trying to keep SOMETHING FOR MYSELF.”

    And to what you shared on March 14 of this year: “I’ve been in SURVIVAL MODE so to speak. (perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever).”

    It struck me (again) how you didn’t just minimize the computer screen—you minimized yourself in order to survive. You lived in a space that made no room for your identity to stretch out, to breathe, to be seen without intrusion. But now.. now, you’re reaching for something different. You’re reaching for what was quietly preserved all along.

    Your connection to cars—it feels like so much more than a passion. It’s your way of maximizing what was once minimized. Of reclaiming joy, power, autonomy. Of creating space where you finally get to say, “This is mine. This is me.”

    And yet, I know this isn’t a one-act transformation because your brain built habits of minimizing, hesitating, waiting, and procrastinating, not out of laziness or flaw, but as survival strategies. These weren’t random behaviors; they were deeply adaptive responses to the conditions you grew up in.

    When you lived without privacy, without choice, without true agency, your system adjusted to keep you safe. You learned to stay small, to delay your desires, to second-guess your impulses—not because they were wrong, but because there was no room for them. Surviving meant dimming your own light so it wouldn’t get extinguished.

    And those habits? They’re not signs of weakness. They’re echoes of strength—reminders that you endured. But now, as you step toward reclaiming what is yours, it will take conscious, compassionate effort to rewire what once kept you safe. Not to erase it, but to thank it—and then move forward with tenderness and resolve.

    So now, as you begin to reach for more, I hope you’ll meet yourself with kindness and patience. Real change asks for it. You’re not doing it wrong if it takes time. You’re doing it bravely.

    Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the grace to falter—and the courage to begin again. This isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about letting yourself finally be who you’ve always been.

    You’ve carried that longing for something that’s yours like a hidden engine idling in the background. Maybe now is the time to let it roar a little louder. 🏁🛞🔧

    I see it. And I see you 🏎️

    Anita

    June 20, 2025 at 3:37 am #446975
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Indeed you see it – indeed you see me 🙂

    “When you lived without privacy, without choice, without true agency, your system adjusted to keep you safe. You learned to stay small, to delay your desires, to second-guess your impulses—not because they were wrong, but because there was no room for them. Surviving meant dimming your own light so it wouldn’t get extinguished.” – well, that’t it. Exactly! And deep down, on a less conscious level I knew that. Always.

    You know, its not only the cars has been suppressed.. but this one hurts me the most because I’ve always been almost obsessed with cars but kept it at bay instead of fully accepting that this is an important part of my personality. Apart from cars there are a few more things that could’ve grown a little more but haven’t been fed the right nutrients. Things such as photography, making music and Dj-ing. I don’t really take photographs anymore.. I haven’t taken any projects in years. I play the piano couple times a year – every now and then when I find myself in the airport or bus station. Some of them have pianos. I like to Dj but I do it rarely. I wanted to record a set and put it on YouTube. I went halfway but didn’t do it. I told myself it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.
    And the workouts? Well.. I also wanted to start a YouTube channel where I’d teach people how to workout and share some wisdom. I did start it, uploaded o couple of short videos and then stopped the moment I’ve had the first major breakdown. I even recorded a long, comprehensive video on the importance of sprinting. Of course it wasn’t great.. I didn’t really know how to talk in front of the camera but that could’ve been a good start.

    But there’s no surprise here – I’ve done this a million times before.
    I even have my own corridor nicely decorated with the images of these things I could’ve done but haven’t. The thing is that I’m fed up hanging up all these pictures hoping no one’s looking. It’s getting harder and harder to do that because well.. I’m looking! There is someone looking – I’ve always been.. but I’ve always done something I mastered at an early age. Blocking things out – an early version of what today we call censorship. Trying to get better at something you don’t even allow yourself to see. How about defusing a bomb blindfolded? Sure!

    I’ve always underestimated my own power. I’ve often underestimated the complexity of my being. I’ve underestimated my brains ability to trick me into playing small and keep myself hidden. Only in the last years I’ve started to grasp that we often do things on autopilot. That our brain knows how to convince us to stay safe without asking us – without showing us the pros and cons. Perhaps our lives have become a lot more complex and since there are no more lions chasing us around.. we need to learn a little more about how to succeed. We should sprint every now and then though! That’s really good for your hearth!

    I think I have to look for what’s there already. Of course doing breathwork and jumping into cold water every morning is good for you and could lead to some major breakthroughs. These are fantastic tools – but Ive treated them more like answers. In 32 years I’ve gathered some skills and things I like and can be good at. I guess I don’t even need to look that wide. I guess I’ve known where my power resided by the age of 10.

    Now.. how do I start?

    Thank you!
    Take good care of yourself 🙂 Do some sprinting every now and then!
    Robi

    June 20, 2025 at 9:25 am #446991
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    I can hear how much cars mean to you—but even more, how they represent something deeper: identity, freedom, and self-actualization. And I feel how painful it is to look back and see how many other passions—music, photography, working out—were left waiting. Not because you didn’t care, but because you were protecting yourself.

    You didn’t stop because you weren’t good enough. You stopped because some part of you believed it wasn’t safe to go all in.

    But now you see it. You recognize how your mind built patterns—hesitation, self-doubt, delay—not from weakness, but from survival. And now that survival isn’t the only goal, maybe it’s time to live.

    You asked: “How do I start?” Start small. Start imperfect. Choose one thing and follow it, just a little. One photo. One mix. One sprint. One quiet act of reclaiming joy.

    And when fear shows up—as it will—greet it gently. Say: “I see you. Thank you for trying to protect me. But I’m okay now.”

    Real change doesn’t come from forcing ourselves with rigid habits or pressure. It comes from relating to ourselves differently—with kindness, with gentleness.

    Judgment and harshness feed anxiety. Kindness and self-compassion soothe it.

    For you, kindness might sound like: “Of course I paused. I was scared. That makes sense. But now, I’m ready to take a small step—not to prove anything, just because I want to.”

    That’s how momentum begins—not with pressure, but with self-trust. A quiet trust that grows each time you choose, with kindness, not to shrink yourself.

    And when in doubt, Robi—yes, sprint. Your heart will thank you. 💛

    Cheering you on, Anita

    July 24, 2025 at 6:29 am #447893
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Robi?

    December 27, 2025 at 9:51 am #453409
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope you’ve had a nice time during Christmas. I’m guessing its been snowing over there. Here it’s still dry but cold.
    Again, it has been a while since I’ve opened this page. I did actually a while ago and I’ve seen your question – ” how are you, Robi? ”. I just didn’t know what to say.. I felt like I didn’t want to respond. Not because I didn’t want to talk to you. I felt like by responding, I would again admit that things haven’t turned out very well. But I guess things haven’t turned out that well. Or better said – they haven’t turned out as well as I was hoping. Nothing terrible happened though. Actually, not that much has happened – perhaps that’s what bothers me the most. I was hoping for more clarity but quite the opposite has happened.

    I’m sorry, I’m not in my best of moods – not my best time of the year. I go nuts when I hear that ” it’s the most wonderful time of the year ” song on the radio these days. Because this year, I don’t f***ing feel it. This to me, has felt like a very tough year. Of course many great things happened.. but overall I feel this must’ve been my toughest year so far.
    Anyway, I actually didn’t want to write a lot today. I just wanted to say hi and thank you for checking up on me. Also I wanted to see how you are and how’s Christmas over there? Well.. its over now I guess but the mood might still be on.

    I hope you are doing well – I’m looking forward to hear from you! 🙂
    Robi

    December 27, 2025 at 11:56 am #453413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    I love how honest you are, that’s one of the things about you that I admire most 🙂

    “Actually, not that much has happened – perhaps that’s what bothers me the most.”- how about trying to focus on the positive little things, noticing a little good thing happening here, another good thing happening there, every day. It builds a positive attitude, hopefulness and not waiting for something BIG to happen..?

    Hasn’t snowed here yet. been a very wet winter but relatively warm, at least, not cold enough for snow or ice.

    I too don’t care for holidays, Robi- it’s been ages since I celebrated any. Last was a modest get-together last Thanksgiving, nothing for Christmas and no plans for New Year.

    I met a woman from Poland, born there, she’s a local here, still has a Polish accent. how’s Poland for you (or are you in Romania right now?)

    “Overall I feel this must’ve been my toughest year so far.”- what made it the toughest year so far..??? (If you care to answer, of course.)

    🤍 Anita

    December 28, 2025 at 8:25 am #453450
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    We had some snow this morning! Not much, just a little. Enough for cars to slide around – of course, I had a go. Sadly I am currently in Romania. I’ve only come back here a few days ago. On Christmas eve to be precise. What a strange thing to do if u ask me. Still trying to understand how I got here but I feel its going to take a while to gain some clarity.

    This year has been very confusing. A lot of indecision, a lot of uncertainty. Now, at the end of 2025, I feel absolutely exhausted. I feel burned out and tired. I hear many people saying these exact words these days.. but many of them for different reasons. I haven’t exactly worked my ass off.. the ‘’work’’ has been happening in the background, on the inside so to speak. Since June, when I came here to spend some time in the countryside, I’ve had quite a few experiences. I started to like it here more, got used to the community here, the nature that I love so much.. My girlfriend also came over for a few weeks throughout the summer so we spent some nice time here. I also met some very interesting people here, very likeminded – people who also traveled and came back. I felt like this place could be the right place for me. Its home, its where I grew up! For the most part my parents where away, I was living on my own, or with my gf, had space, time, work online and great weather. Once the summer ended, my parents came back from their long holiday. Also my girlfriend went back to Poland. By then I’ve decided that I’d like to try to stay here and maybe create something here. I thought I’d stay and my girlfriend could visit for now and gradually move here. I thought maybe I could come up with some workout space, some kinda of off-grid community with my new friends.. breath-work camps.. few ideas have been flying around. In September I went to Warsaw for 2 weeks just to visit. Also I wanted to bring some more clothes and things to Romania. This time we stayed with her mother – which I didn’t like at all but somehow things worked. While I was there I felt like I wanted to stay.. like I wanted to get back there and not stay in Romania. I felt like I didn’t want to live separately from my girlfriend. There I was packing a big bag of clothes, returning to Romania, although I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there.

    But I did come back – and I told myself I wanted to go back to Warsaw once I find some more work there. Again a couple months have passed. I’ve been working online, making some money but not enough to fully sustain myself in Warsaw. My girlfriend visited me again in October, spent some nice time together.. and again we were apart. The plan? I didn’t really know anymore. I was somewhere in between. I could stay but I could also go. I didn’t want to go to Warsaw because I didn’t like living in Poland. I wanted to stay here because it felt like home. But what about my relationship? Well.. I didn’t know how I felt about that.

    I probably mentioned this to you before – whenever I spend some time apart from my girlfriend, I gradually seem to lose interest in her and start doubting. I always miss her right after we part, for a couple days but then I start having doubts and I keep telling myself I should break up with her because I don’t feel like we connect, I tell myself we don’t have things in common, I often thing of other women and think I might not be with the right person. When she writes to me, I feel irritated. I feel I don’t want to answer her. Almost as if I’m pissed off with her. I often thing this could be some kinda defence mechanism – I don’t allow myself to mis her.. so I disconnect.

    So I kept working throughout the last months of the year, kept fighting my indecision. Should I stay or should I go. I was spending time with friends here, feeling more at home – but still, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay. Also, living with my parents started to feel unbearable – so many triggers.. expectations, games. This wasn’t at all good for me. So at the end of November I decided I’ll get myself a one way ticket and go to Warsaw. I thought its the best thing I could do. I wanted us to spend December together, see how we feel together, se how I feel about her, look for some work opportunities there and ultimately, if I decided to stay, to move in together and build something. of our own together. During the months I’ve been here I managed to put some money aside so I’ve decided to rent an AirBnb for the month of December. I wanted us to stay separately from her mother, so we can really be together. No more parent figures around, no more space and privacy issues. Of course financially wasn’t great – tickets and AirBnb were very expensive but well.. I didn’t care.
    Right before leaving, I was unsure. “Why am I even going? I don’t want to be in Poland.. I don’t even think I want to continue this relationship”. One day before my flight I broke down – I started crying, feeling like I didn’t want to go. My parents felt me and tried to convince me to stay. They told me I can stay here rent free and there will always be food on the table. They said I was going to hate it there, living with her mother in the small flat. They said I won’t achieve anything by going. I will only spend my money and be back in a few weeks ar after the holidays. I was tempted to stay, of course.. but I didn’t. I said.. well If I come back then so be it. I told myself that we’ll probably break up and I’ll be back soon anyway… but I thought we both deserved to spend some time together and not talk about these things over the phone. So I booked an Airbnb for the first 2 weeks of December and went. I felt like I wanted to stay though.

    There I was – landing in Warsaw. I was journaling during my flight and I wanted myself to read it later. I said something like – now feel I am probably going to end this relationship and come back soon. I was curious – how will this read later on, in a few days or weeks? Once I reached Warsaw we went to the AirBnb. I was so happy we didn’t go to her mother’s flat and we have our own space – just for us. But surprize! We couldn’t switch on the lights. We were walking through the apartment but we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with the lights. I thought.. maybe we had to switch it on from some panel. But no. The flat had no electricity. It did earlier, according to the owner who told us the cleaning lady has been there before we arrived but for some reason, the flat had no electricity. So we went do to some groceries, bought some candles and started cooking. At some point during the night when she told me she loved me I broke down. I told her I loved her too.. but I felt this guilt.. I felt like an impostor. So I broke down and told her I’ve been having doubts about my feelings for her and that I didn’t want to come and I didn’t know if I wanted to continue this relationship. I cried a lot that night and so did she. She was very understanding and supportive and she even appreciated me being honest. I felt a lot of the pressure has gone.. I started feeling better, less tense, less uncertain. I already started feeling much closer to her. Those doubts were starting to evaporate.
    The next day we couldn’t make the electricity work so we decided to look for something else and leave that flat. The owner has given me a refund for the 2 weeks and we went across the street – to her mothers flat. Well, we had no place to go and I was dead tired after the trip, the long conversation etc. So, I took the easy exit. Convenience. Her mother even said during lunch – ‘’ hah, you ended up here already ‘’. Yes.. I know right? Not quite what I’ve planned. I have to admit – it did feel good. It felt like a warm hug, like a bowl of soup when ill with high temperature. I was even writing this in my journal. ‘’ don’t get tricked again !“
    I looked for more options around her neighbourhood but there weren’t any options so I told myself we can stay for a few days. We were going to a wedding in a few days anyway and we were going to spend few days away anyway so we can switch to another AirBnb once we are back. And we did. Being there, in her mother’s flat triggered all my wounds again. All the lack of space I’ve had in childhood. I kept complaining about not liking it there and I kept criticising her life situation, her being nearly 40 living with her mother. Not proud of saying those things. I often do.. It comes from my frustration and I often find it hard to find clarity when I’m there.

    I’m won’t go through the entire month of December. It would make both our brains explode. Mine has already, partially. I only have a little bit left, the one I’m using for writing. The rest will hopefully come back with the new year. Although we went to another AirBnb, then back in the mother’s flat for couple days, then again off to another city for a few days, then again a few days with the mother, then again left for the country side for a few days for my birthday… the month of December has been pretty crazy. We argued a lot, we talked about many things, I criticised her life 10 thousand times more and we talked about breaking up quite a few times. We did say we loved each other though. That we always said at the end of every argument. And often that would be the end of many of them.

    By the third week of December.. we were tired. We both felt like we’ve been hit by lightning. I felt like I completely failed. I wanted us to be together for the month of December and.. enjoy it. I didn’t know if we’ll stay together or not, I didn’t know if I wanted to stay there or not.. but I wanted us to enjoy this month nevertheless. I thought we both deserved that – I kept saying we both had a tough year and I thought we could end it ( the year ) on a positive note. Well.. that didn’t quite go that way. In fact, the year had a different plan for us. “ How about re-living the top 10 toughest moments of 2025 ? Yay! “ :)) At least it felt that way to me.

    So there we were, in the countryside, about to celebrate my birthday soon, looking for my plane ticket. I felt like going home on the 24th would make sense. I felt I didn’t want to spend Christmas with her family and we both felt we needed some time to process the month of December. So I got the ticket. I was going to leave in a few days. I didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do though. I felt like maybe it was necessary – but not the right thing.
    Right away, we started to enjoy our time together. Everything felt brighter, warmer. We felt relieved. But I was starting to feel regret. I started to regret not staying – not trying harder, not looking for more jobs, not making a bigger effort, not trying to make the best of the time we spent together. I felt like I didn’t want to leave.

    Since then I feel this deep regret in my hearth. I didn’t manage to switch it off – and I guess that’s great. Perhaps I’m learning to allow myself to feel these things instead of disconnecting. It’s been one week since I bought that ticket and I keep thinking I wish I could go back and not buy it. I wish I’d decided to try harder, to rent something else and look for work once January kicks off. I didn’t want to go and the closer I got to my flight the more I felt it. Once I arrived here I felt even worse… my parents felt so off, almost like they didn’t want me to come. I had some food and immediately got some food poisoning – for days I’ve been pretty much laying in bed. Some Christmas huh ?

    Now my stomach is almost 100%. I’m guessing it wasn’t the food. Of course the greasy Romanian food didn’t help but I’m guessing stress has had very much to do with the way my stomach reacted. My gut found all this very hard to digest. Go figure.
    I still feel sad though. I feel like crying and I regret coming back. I don’t really feel like going to see my friends and I don’t really feel like I want to get comfortable here once again. I feel afraid I will though so I’m trying to keep myself on track.

    “ Which track “ you might be asking yourself. That’s a good question.
    Although all this seems like I have no idea what I want to do and where I want to be.. I feel that being with my girlfriend and building a solid relationship together is something I’d like to do. I’d like us to have our own corner where we can be with each other. I’d like us to be fully independent from our parents and have our own family. We already are a family me and her. Although the last 4 and a half years have been tough we know that we love each other. I guess it would’ve been easier if I’ve had my shit together.. perhaps if she didn’t live and work in her mother’s flat. But then.. should we give up on each other because we didn’t have an ideal situation? These days it’s so hard to meet someone who you really click with. And don’t get me wrong.. I have many moments when I think she’s not the right woman for me. Sometimes I don’t like what she’s wearing and that makes me think I don’t fancy her. But that’s something I should be working on. The things that really matter are there. We both know we are lucky to have met each other.

    The thing is.. it’s a lot easier to leave it all behind and start over.. until.. it pretty much gets to the same point again.
    It’s very difficult to change, to take a step. Once I take a step I feel like I’ve done enough already. Often I don’t feel like I wanna keep going. But I have to keep going. I also want to keep going. And.. what really bothers me about December is that I didn’t. I didn’t keep going and that hurts a lot. I feel like I again gave up on myself, on my growth. On another chance to change. I again ran away when things got difficult. Same old – but one year older.

    Now I’m sitting around trying to make sense of it all. I feel like shit being here but I keep looking for jobs in Warsaw. I want to go back and try again. I want to build a foundation under my feet. I don’t quite know how. But its okay.

    Okay that another long one.
    Thank you for reading this!
    Take good care of yourself 🙂
    Robi

    December 28, 2025 at 12:16 pm #453460
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robie:

    I’m glad your stomach is almost 100% better!

    We talked about so many things; we must have touched on Attachment Styles over the years.

    What you described in regard to your girlfriend: “I always miss her right after we part, for a couple days but then I start having doubts and I keep telling myself I should break up with her because I don’t feel like we connect, I tell myself we don’t have things in common, I often thing of other women and think I might not be with the right person. When she writes to me, I feel irritated. I feel I don’t want to answer her. Almost as if I’m pissed off with her… At some point during the night when she told me she loved me I broke down. I told her I loved her too.. but I felt this guilt.. I felt like an impostor.”-

    This fits perfectly with A disorganized attachment style—also called fearful‑avoidant attachment—is an insecure attachment pattern where a person feels both a strong desire for closeness and a strong fear of it. This creates internal conflict and inconsistent behavior in relationships, which means that you love her, you’re not an imposter; you’re just afraid.

    You wrote about many things in your recent post, but maybe we should focus on one thing at a time, your attachment style perhaps?

    Enjoy the little snow, Robi, and please take good care of yourself 🙂

    🤍 Anita

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