Dear Nichole:

It is unwise to practice empathy toward the people who hurt you. I will explain: your aunt, she is abusive toward you, hurting you, yet you practice empathy toward her: “my aunt has smeared me so bad.. But I can’t just blame her, (she is) .. so ashamed .. wanted to take me down”-

– now, if you were a psychotherapist, and your aunt was your client, then be empathetic to her. But when you are her victim, you are not supposed to practice empathy toward her, which would mean return to contact with her for more of the same.

If you were her therapist, she wouldn’t be smearing (her therapist), not likely. And if she did, a qualified therapist would know how to handle it professionally … and will not accept and endure the smearing, disrespect, abuse.

But… you are not a therapist, she is not your client, she is not a stranger… she is your aunt and she disrespected you repeatedly, smearing you. So practicing empathy toward her is unwise, similar to a deer practicing empathy toward the mountain lion.. oh, he is just hungry, I should approach him and talk to him about his hunger-

– that is a recipe to being the lion’s lunch, for crying out loud!

Your aunt will not devour you, so your flesh is safe except… for the tremors and the itching skins and sores of your flesh.

What if Florida does not work, you asked- well, Chicago hasn’t work for you for a few decades, so why not see how it wouldn’t work in Florida (not with the ex!), at least that would be a .. new experience that wouldn’t work .

anita

Dear Nichole:

“no one physically helping me or taking me out or telling me it’s not my fault. No one to talk about this with for hours”- you do have someone there with you, it is the part of you that is strong, that can be calm and strong when you feel frenzied and weak. You can talk to that part of you for hours and that part will listen.

I will be back to the computer in about 15hours from now and hope to read from you when I am back. Post anytime, tell me about those talks you have with the calm, strong part of you. II  know you have this part, I read from her before, you felt that part yourself).

anita

Dear Nichole:

“How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness”- your aunt died recently and that may have activated your terrible distress over your mother’s death, look at the very title of your thread…?

anita

Dear Nichole:

“I think my body was telling me to get out all along and how I have shut down?”- yes, I think  so. When we experience too much excitation, the nervous system does shut down.

“my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness”- makes me think of myself as a young child, I was happy but then my mother turned on me and took that away from me, the happiness. As a matter of fact, if you looked at my face, sadness is permanently embedded in my facial features, and in my eyes.

I’d say, when your entire family has turned on you… time to run as far away from them as possible, run to safety and don’t go back to them once you can feel again,  so that they will not take that life-in-you away yet one more time.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Thank you for that last line, Nichole. I appreciate it.

The reason we want to forget the abuse and betrayal by our own families is because in our mind, we are still those little girls who can’t be alone, away from the family. This is why I suggested you go to the strong part of you, that is the part that did make it alone already, the adult part, capable. No longer the naturally incapable child, the child that has to have her family no matter what.

You don’t have to, is my point, you are an adult now, a woman, you have a job or a few jobs, your own rental place, children are not capable of these things. You are capable. See my point?

anita

Dear Nichole:

If you see a cougar approaching you as you take  walk in the woods, you would feel scared, wouldn’t you? The fear will alert you and you will  be thinking what to do so to save your life because it is real danger there, right in front of you.

Where is your danger now, what is it?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Do something different, not the same things you did before. Remember the bird flying into the closed window, hurting her head and yet she keeps flying into the closed window again, and again?

anita

Dear Nichole:

When you are “on the verge of contacting someone, anyone just to talk”- that means you are really hoping and wanting to feel better- the more you hope and want, the worse you feel.

Give up and give in to whatever it is that you feel. I didn’t make up this suggestion, it is a Buddhist/ psychotherapy principle. Stop resisting what you feel, stop desperately trying to change how you feel- and you will feel better.

Will you try this and let me know how it goes? I will be waiting for your next post for the next hour or so.

anita