Home→Forums→Tough Times→GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH
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May 28, 2019 at 3:01 pm #296181
NicholeParticipantI’m in such a bad depressive spiral.
how can I make such big moves with no support
how can I go through this again but with no support. Getting over my ex and leaving was so hard but I had support from family at the time. And wether it lasted or not they were there to help me through this. I have no one now
no one physically helping me or taking me out or telling me it’s not my fault. No one to talk about this with for hours. My aunt did that with me. How could she then turn on me?
So so sad
May 28, 2019 at 3:22 pm #296185
AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
“no one physically helping me or taking me out or telling me it’s not my fault. No one to talk about this with for hours”- you do have someone there with you, it is the part of you that is strong, that can be calm and strong when you feel frenzied and weak. You can talk to that part of you for hours and that part will listen.
I will be back to the computer in about 15hours from now and hope to read from you when I am back. Post anytime, tell me about those talks you have with the calm, strong part of you. II know you have this part, I read from her before, you felt that part yourself).
anita
May 30, 2019 at 6:26 am #296407NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
I definitely have that part. But I am just numb, is this normal?
I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in days. The body tremors have eased. The depression and hopelessness is intense at times mostly at night.
How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness. I had bad anxiety but I was finding happiness in my days. I want that back in my life.
May 30, 2019 at 6:48 am #296415AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
“How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness”- your aunt died recently and that may have activated your terrible distress over your mother’s death, look at the very title of your thread…?
anita
May 30, 2019 at 6:52 am #296417NicholeParticipantI don’t think that is only it. I think the fact my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness kills me. I am so hurt by this but cannot feel the pain or cry about it but I know this kills me. How could that be?
I haven’t had too much time to process my aunts death either. All I can say is the amount of physical pain my body was in throughout this time was so not normal when all I was was around family. I think my body was telling me to get out all along and now I have shut down?
I want to feel again 🙁
May 30, 2019 at 6:59 am #296419AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
“I think my body was telling me to get out all along and how I have shut down?”- yes, I think so. When we experience too much excitation, the nervous system does shut down.
“my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness”- makes me think of myself as a young child, I was happy but then my mother turned on me and took that away from me, the happiness. As a matter of fact, if you looked at my face, sadness is permanently embedded in my facial features, and in my eyes.
I’d say, when your entire family has turned on you… time to run as far away from them as possible, run to safety and don’t go back to them once you can feel again, so that they will not take that life-in-you away yet one more time.
anita
May 30, 2019 at 7:14 am #296423NicholeParticipantI think you are right, yet my mind still plays games. I still feel like saving them and wanting to make amends. And honestly since all of this happened each day that passes I internalize more blame. I start thinking of ways I could have done things differently and completely forget what they did. It is so scary how my mind literally forgets the abuse. I always focus more on what I did to hinder the situation.
I am sorry Anita, for your mom making you so unhappy. and so young.
May 30, 2019 at 7:20 am #296425AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Thank you for that last line, Nichole. I appreciate it.
The reason we want to forget the abuse and betrayal by our own families is because in our mind, we are still those little girls who can’t be alone, away from the family. This is why I suggested you go to the strong part of you, that is the part that did make it alone already, the adult part, capable. No longer the naturally incapable child, the child that has to have her family no matter what.
You don’t have to, is my point, you are an adult now, a woman, you have a job or a few jobs, your own rental place, children are not capable of these things. You are capable. See my point?
anita
May 30, 2019 at 10:56 am #296473NicholeParticipantI just had a triggered moment. I thought back to some of the things my aunt did to me and I am totally in a shame spiral. How do you get out of this? It is debilitating. I feel helpless, worthless, shames, an like I will never get anywhere in life. All of my things in a storage in Chicago, planning on taking a trip to Florida to get away and then what?
I feel so low! I hate this feeling. It is so scary.
May 30, 2019 at 11:22 am #296477AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
If you see a cougar approaching you as you take walk in the woods, you would feel scared, wouldn’t you? The fear will alert you and you will be thinking what to do so to save your life because it is real danger there, right in front of you.
Where is your danger now, what is it?
anita
May 30, 2019 at 11:56 am #296487NicholeParticipantI don’t know. Today is a bad day. I was much stronger and productive yesterday. I feel lost today. I feel sad as I gather my belongings from my aunts house. Tomorrow will be the final day to pick it all up and then I have all my things in storage and in a rental home. I have until tomorrow to decide if I stay another month or not and I don’t think I should. I don’t really love where I am at. And I keep thinking Florida. Should I reach out to other family member and tell them what’s going on? I feel so isolated. Yes I think my whole family has been infected by this narcissism but I also think some of my cousins may listen to me? But so afraid to trust another person but damn how can a girl do all of this on her own? My brother hurt me bad but I feel like reaching out and discussing our issues. I did all along but never had the courage. Idk what to do!
May 30, 2019 at 12:55 pm #296491AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Do something different, not the same things you did before. Remember the bird flying into the closed window, hurting her head and yet she keeps flying into the closed window again, and again?
anita
May 30, 2019 at 4:57 pm #296505NicholeParticipantI’m trying.
Just so depressed today
in bed knowing I won’t be able to sleep
feeling lifeless, tired, sore and in pain. The trauma is not releasing.
seems to be just sitting in my body and soul. I wish I could cry uncontrollably.
im on the verge of contacting someone, anyone just to talk but trying hard not to react codependently.
Life is hard right now
May 30, 2019 at 5:39 pm #296519AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
When you are “on the verge of contacting someone, anyone just to talk”- that means you are really hoping and wanting to feel better- the more you hope and want, the worse you feel.
Give up and give in to whatever it is that you feel. I didn’t make up this suggestion, it is a Buddhist/ psychotherapy principle. Stop resisting what you feel, stop desperately trying to change how you feel- and you will feel better.
Will you try this and let me know how it goes? I will be waiting for your next post for the next hour or so.
anita
May 30, 2019 at 6:23 pm #296521NicholeParticipantI actually feel a little better.
Still kind of debilitating.
I’m just in shock of what I went through with my aunt, she texted me a little while ago and I went numb. And then triggered trauma. I don’t know if you understand that but this woman did something bad to me psychologically.
Not sure how how I will get through this all
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