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guilt and shame about a compulsion of mine

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #304615

    sofia
    Participant

    Hello, this is my first time posting on here. For the last maybe week or so I have felt crippling shame and guilt. Yesterday was the worst, I felt like I have ruined my life because of some of my feelings and thoughts. I felt like an unredeemable person. Last night though I started uncontrollably crying my eyes out in front of my dad. My dad and my sister tried to comfort me the best they could as I told them about what I was so upset about. Today was better for some reason, but again, I started uncontrollably crying and they both had to comfort me a second time. After that happened, I actually was feeling a lot more positive for a bit. But it kind of hit me again and that’s why I’m posting about it on here.

    my problem is, I have a lot of past mistakes that I feel very guilty about. I ruminate over them constantly. Something my mind does to relieve my worry is to compare my mistake to others mistakes that are sometimes much worse than what I did or what I think is at the same level. Sometimes, this will make me feel a temporary feeling of relief? I’m not even sure what to call it. It’s an indescribable feeling. For some reason, it just makes me feel better for one second. But right after I do this, I get this feeling of “oh my gosh what did I just do” and feel incredibly ashamed. And sometimes, if I feel like someone didn’t do something as wrong as me, I feel a feeling of disappointment. Sometimes if I’m reading about a mistake someone else feels guilty about, I’ll look back at certain parts of their posts if I feel like it isn’t as bad as what I did. I would never actually act on the things I compare my mistakes to, but I feel as if I want others to do these things and it makes me feel so shameful and full of guilt.

     

    I guess my questions are, am I a horrible person for this? Is this just a human thing to do? Am I a monster?

    #304641

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Sofia,

    You have shared your guilt and shame with your dad and sister and they have offered you comfort.  This does not make you sound like a horrible person or a monster.  You have released your pent up emotions through your tears.  Perhaps you still have some more crying to do.  I have never heard of anyone who cried forever.  I’m glad that you have been this brave – it must have taken a lot of courage to admit what you had done.

    You are not beyond redemption.  You have done some things that you regret.  You may have behaved badly.  You are sorry for what you have done.  You cannot change the things you have done so dwelling on them is not going to make any difference.  Forgive yourself.

    Make up your mind that you will never behave like that ever again, you will endeavor to treat others with kindness, love, gratitude, generosity, compassion and so on.  Go out of your way to do at least one kind act each and every day.

    Don’t compare yourself to other people.  Give up reading the ‘guilty’ posts.  There are far more important things that you could be doing with your time.  Help someone with their shopping, tend a garden of an elderly neighbor, cook a meal for your family etc.

    You won’t have ruined your life if you see these ‘mistakes’ as the making of you instead of the breaking of you.  Every time such thoughts come into your head, say to yourself “I am sorry for what I have done and I now forgive myself”.

    You need to let the past go and move on to the present.  It’s where you go from here that is going to make the difference.

    Best wishes

    Peggy

    Move on from the past

     

    #304663

    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Sofia

    “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” – Henry Ford.

    That may sound trite however it’s a truth. We tend to learn by getting it wrong, picking ourselves up, and moving forward = Flow. when we block that flow (fear, obsessing…) we get stuck. One of the benefits of the practice of mindfulness and meditation it that it creates the opportunity to view our memories and thoughts for what they are, learn and let go. Flow with Life vice against it.

    ‘You’ are not your past, ‘you’ are not your memories, ‘you’ are not your experiences, ‘you’ are not your mistakes, ‘you’ are not your success… ‘You are more then the sum of your parts.

    Reading you post I might recommend the books by David Richo. At age 15 I wish I had read ‘How to be an Adult’ might have saved me a lot of self created heart ache

    Be Kind to yourself. That you are asking your self these question and seeking to do/be better bods well for you. I think your going to surprise yourself!

    #304829

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sofia,

    It sounds like you are human. If you don’t act on certain thoughts you are good. There is no thought police! Can you imagine all the crazy thoughts everyone has!

    What I would do is concentrate on other things.

    Best,

    Inky

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