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Handling Negative Friends

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  • #148125
    Isra
    Participant

    I’m just a little at odds lately.

    I like my friends- a lot. Don’t get me wrong, they’re funny people, and I’ve had a lot of fun memories with them and appreciate having met them all.

    But lately I’ve really just felt like a part of me wants to find a new group of friends?

    As amazing as they all are, I feel like I’m on a different page, spiritually? As in, I’m pretty optimistic about my life and I’m determined to succeed. I’m trying to worry less and feel more confident in myself. I have reconnected with the Universe spiritually after being disconnected for so long, and I’ve felt happy for months. I have to say I agree pretty whole-heartedly with the idea of surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals.

    My friends stress… a lot. Over small things. Over relationships. Over everything. And every time for the past few weeks I’ve asked how they’re doing or feeling or what’s been going on in their lives- as I struggle to figure out anything other than small talk due to their reactions- and all they reply with is ‘tired.’ They pretty consistently talk about how they’re frustrated in their relationship, to which I try to give the best advice I can (I ended up giving someone a pretty stern pep talk a few weekends ago), or how they feel about something someone said a while ago, how college is going to be hell, how they’re not looking forward to the future. I’ve tried to be an upbeat person and not let their negative talk get to me, but obviously hearing things like this all the time… it starts to make me not want to hang out with them, because I start to feel tired and despondent around them.

    At lunch two weeks ago I even sat at a different table instead of with my ‘friend group’ because usually no one talks to me even when I try- they all end up wrapped up in conversations with significant others, and someone else doesn’t even talk to me at all. I sat at a different table and actually felt involved- and this was the first time I even sat with these people! Of course being teens they still talked about being frustrated with exams, but then they were able to counter it with ‘but, I know things will be fine, this just upset me a little bit.’ So they didn’t linger on the frustration and we moved on. It felt good, like I was with more generally positive people.

    My friend is trying to put together a last minute dinner-thing for two of my friends who share the same birthday this Saturday. It’ll be late and at a place right across the street. Me being me, you’d think my first response would be a resounding ‘yes,’ because I could literally walk there and I haven’t seen them in over a week. And yet my first response was actually ‘eh, I’d kind of like to stay home because I’ve started enjoying my own company a bit more?’ As selfish as it may sound, I’ve been feeling much better spending time with my mom and reconnecting with myself. I’ve felt overjoyed with my life, grateful for everything in it, I’ve been doing my hobbies again and having so many ideas for college and enjoying my summer and making new, like-minded friends for college so we can all push each other to go for our goals and all-around be better.  At school I’ll still talk to my friends and I always wish them well and listen to them, and if they need me I’ll lend a hand of course, but I just… I’m not sure what to make of this anymore.

    I feel like I’m ready for new friends. I love mine, but it’s like something is calling me to move on, if that makes any sense. Move on to better things and ‘better’ people (for me). I’m appreciating myself a bit more and it’s like something is trying to get me to detoxify all areas of me life. I obviously don’t want to be rude or anything to my friends, but to some extent I’m pretty happy that with graduation comes probably not having to see them too much anymore? Or at least I’m free to go off and make new friends at college.

    I enjoy helping others but I’m not here just to be their counselor and join them in a downward spiral of pity… things are tough sometimes, yes, and I get we all become stressed out, but they choose to linger in the stress instead of dealing with it or taking the time to care for themselves. I don’t know. It’s all a bit complicated for my heart, really.

    #148133
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Isra:

    You wrote: “I feel like I’m ready for new friends. I love mine, but it’s like something is calling me to move on, if that makes any sense. Move on to better things and ‘better’ people (for me)”- yes, it makes sense. You are making sense, and this whole post is sensible; your thinking is clear, logical and wise.

    Your primary responsibility is to promote your own well-being: it is your job, job # 1.

    You tried to help your negative friends and failed. The Consequence to your association with them is that you “feel tired and despondent around them”- and so, to promote your well-being, you have to disassociate from them.

    Of course, need not be rude to them and a no-contact may not be necessary: it is up to you. Whatever it takes for you to continue your healing process, well documented over a year of your posting here, do it. Do whatever it takes.

    If you continue to associate with your negative friends, they stay down and you go down. Who benefits? And when you lose your health, as a result, my goodness, how unwise that would be.

    anita

    #148197
    Mimi
    Participant

    Isra, this situation sounds like the opposite of what I went through.  I was so messed up at your age that I drifted away from all of my good, positive friends and sought out (subconsciously) losers who were like me and who would drink, do drugs, and other “bad” things.  I probably felt like I was less than perfect, in relation to the good friends I had, so I couldn’t handle the comparison in my mind and let them all drift away.

    A few years later, I was doing what you were and getting in touch with who I wanted to be and dropping other friends who didn’t fit with who I was becoming.

    It sounds like you are trying your best to make this change in the kindest way possible, which is very good of you.  Some of your former friends might actually be inspired by you, though mostly you might get negative reactions (like, “what, you’re too good for us now?”), even though you aren’t trying to shut them out entirely.

    The changes you are making sound very good and healthy and it sounds to me like you are handling it all in the kindest way you possibly can.

    Good luck with everything!

    Mimi

    #148355
    Isra
    Participant

    @anita @Mimi

    Thank you both for your helpful replies. It guided my thinking in a better direction, and ultimately I think I look forward to spending a little more time with them before the year is over. We’ll have some last hurrahs at graduation parties, and after that, I get to move on to better things for my well-being.

    Last night I also came to an epiphany that I was trying to build my confidence in myself for the wrong reasons- so that others would see me as confident. I was continuing to work from a place of self-doubt and need for acceptance instead of accepting myself. I believe my final challenge in this chapter of my life will be that of recognizing my innate value as a human being, and that no matter what mistakes I might make (anxiety over future events) or mistakes I have made (past events), none of them detracts from my value. And if people can’t see that, well, then they shouldn’t be in my life in the first place (criticism.)

    I think I have found the root cause for my anxiety… and I haven’t felt this sense of knowing in years. Here’s hoping I can now build myself up and have generalized anxiety pack its bags and move out, because I no longer need it as a defense mechanism. There is no failure- there is only moving forward.

    Thanks again for your replies and I wish you well!

    #148361
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Isra. I like your clear thinking and insights. Wishing you well too! Post anytime.

    anita

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