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He doesn't feel a spark?

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  • July 30, 2017 at 10:58 am #161108
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hello,

    I recently began seeing someone that I thought could really be potentially a good match for me. He’s funny, thoughtful, down to earth, and seemed sincere. We spoke on the phone a few times before meeting, and he and I both agreed that our first date was the best either of us had ever been on in terms of enjoyment and ease of conversation. However, the date lasted longer than mine usually do, and I mistakingly went home with him. We ended up sleeping together, which I immediately regretted. We continued seeing each other quite frequently after that, and here is where I think it went wrong. I feel I rushed into it, because we had slept together so early on, and didn’t give it a chance to grow. His work schedule is 2 weeks home, 2 weeks out of town working. I think because I knew this, I was cramming in as much time with him as possible.

     

    Anyway, fast forward 3.5 weeks later, and he has now returned back to work for another 1.5 weeks, and it seems it is over. We talked last night, and he told me on paper I am his dream girl (his type physically, educated, have a successful career, kind, etc.) but for some reason he doesn’t feel a “spark” or that something is missing. I personally think what happened is that we became too comfortable too early on, and almost jumped into a mini relationship. I was hoping to wait into he got back in 10 days to see how things were then, but he seemed to think nothing would change. That being said, he said he didn’t expect to have this conversation and was only curious to how I felt about how things were deceloping and said we probably both needed time to process everything. I asked him if there was anyone else, he said he was talking to some women on the dating app we met on, but nothing in particular.

     

    We sort of agreed to take some time apart, maybe for a month or so to see if anything changes. That being said, I feel unclear about a lot of it and feel that I should express to him (now that I’ve slept on it) that I don’t want to be on hold as a plan b for him. I don’t know if he’s not ready for a relationship, chasing something that I don’t really believe is a good indicator of a strong relationship (the spark), or just incompatible with me. I’m sort of stuck, and can’t help feeling that if we hadn’t have slept together so soon and taken things at a regular pace, things could have been different. Either way, I’m not sure what to do moving forward. Any advice is appreciated!

     

     

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.
    July 30, 2017 at 12:09 pm #161126
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    my 2 long term relationships started like that. Although they kind of started just for both of us actually going for that aspect of the bedroom antics. But they developed. While the first 1 kind didn’t develop enough making the bedroom the only aspect of the relationship. While the 2nd 1 developed into soo much more than i ever dreamed of. However for a long time the bedroom was the only way we connected. But we now connect mentally. The physical kind of helped a fair bit.

     

    Basically dependent on how developed you both are in yourselves, if there is no further meaning to what you have then chances are it might not last anyway. And i don’t know everything about the pair of you. But then again i guess the same can be said for both of you about each other. But may be it fizzled quickly or now there is no connection. But until you sit down together and talk a bit more extensively sharing more of yourselves with each other, and i don’t mean physically. Sometimes the mental sharing increases the physical spark/desire. Maybe its because you guys don’t spend a huge amount of time together and how he spends a fair bt of time involved with his work that maybe he hasn’t truly connected with himself either? It’s kind fo guess work when you don’t know everything about the individual in question.

    I hope this helps in some form

    July 31, 2017 at 4:41 am #161224
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lealithia,

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

    Him saying “I don’t feel a spark” would be a deal breaker for me. It’s too nebulous a reason for not seeing someone. It sounds like he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

    That said, you being a Plan B is a possibility. Then don’t be!

    Let him call you next time he’s in town (he probably won’t). But if he does and asks you out, say you’re busy/travelling, and maybe next time! (I know this is hard). Then when (if) you do see him, DON’T sleep with him (obviously).

    That’s the only way to redeem the relationship and reignite the “spark”.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    July 31, 2017 at 5:37 am #161236
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    Can you offer the links to your previous thread/s where we communicated at length? I don’t know how to access it other than going back page by page. I would like to re-read our communication there before responding to your current thread.

    anita

    July 31, 2017 at 9:11 am #161286
    laelithia
    Participant

    Thanks so much, Anita! That’s so thoughtful. Here’s the link: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/getting-over-infatuation-with-someone-who-wasnt-real/

    July 31, 2017 at 9:29 am #161294
    laelithia
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies Jon and Inky!
    The more I think about it, the more I see how I have a pattern of jumping into relationship with both feet way too early on that does two dysfunctional things. One, it makes me very invested emotionally before I even assess if the man is a good partner for me, and two, it scares the men away (for good reason!) and they assume the attraction to me is lost. I think they begin to associate this “too much too soon” pressure with their overall picture of me.

    Inky,
    I too thought me loosening the reigns and allowing myself to be a Plan B was totally disrespectful to myself, but I’m now seeing it a different way. The way I see it now, is that we had a spark growing on the first date (he even told his friend, who told me, that he said it had been the best date he’d ever been on), but I think in moving too fast and rushing things (to which I think we were both responsible for) it sort of suffocated the early flame and became too comfortable too soon.

    I spoke on the phone with him yesterday, and I think this is what made me realize how much pressure I was putting on myself (and by association, him) to make a relationship work because I had been intimate with him. He basically said that the reason he was worried if we should continue to see each other or not is that if he was not sure if the spark was there, and we continued to date, we would be on the path to a committed relationship. I can see how this is troubling for him, if he wasn’t sure that intense attraction was there, not to mention it is far too soon to be making commitments like that. We’ve only really spent a few days together after all. He did say that he still really likes me, and would like to see me when he’s back though.

    In my own healing, I am really learning to let go of the control of situations and others I seem to think I have by altering my behaviour. Instead, i am more focused on improving my own wellbeing so that I don’t feel this urge to jump into relationships to fill a void. I am going to try my best to rectify what I think went wrong in this relationship, but I won’t try to force it if it doesn’t happen like I have in the past. He said he would call or text me today after reading an article he asked me to send after I told him about (it spoke about the myth of that elusive “spark”. It was a good article but I realized this morning I only sent a small part of it. I almost messaged him with the rest, but thought it would be best just to tell him later when he contacts me), when he does I’m thinking of suggesting that we continue to see each other (no sleeping together of course!) but more casually. I figure this way, if that “spark” or attraction comes back naturally without all the pressure, then great. If not, I think I will be in a far better place to move on.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.
    July 31, 2017 at 10:05 am #161310
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    I went over the last thread. In parts of that thread your rational thinking is as clear and accurate, I believe, as it is on this thread. You rushed again to fill the void, to satisfy the craving to feel loved.

    So I will bypass all the rational, as you don’t need help there, and attend to the emotional, which is what dominated your behavior, once again, and understandably so, as we are emotional beings.

    Attending to the emotional, when you have the time and inclination, will you share more about how it felt to you, how the experience felt, cleaning the home at night so to surprise your mother; working hard at school so to get her attention while she directed her attention instead to your sister?

    anita

    July 31, 2017 at 10:41 am #161330
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    As usual, I think you hit the nail on the head! When I think back to these experiences, I remember how painfully it hurt to feel like my genuine, authentic self wasn’t enough to garner the love and attention I desired, so I needed to constantly try to be the perfect daughter, then the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect therapist, and the perfect girlfriend. I realize now that I mould myself into whatever I think the other person wants, and in the end it doesn’t work, and I loose myself. This process validates the internal script that I have carried with me too long, that there is something wrong with me and I need to hide/cover it up. There were times, with my mother and others, that this seemed to work, which I think further validated the process of trying to be someone other than myself. However, as I look back, it never did remain effective long term.

    I think I am braver now, I am trying to be more myself, more authentic and honest. To allow myself to receive rather than always trying to give. I’m disappointed that I didn’t practice this more with the man I wrote this post about. On our first date, I was completely myself, and I felt great. Then, as the date progressed and I realized I really liked him and saw potential there, I started the old pattern of trying to be perfect for him so he would feel the same way. Even sleeping with him too soon had more to do with pleasing him and trying to make him happy and like me, rather than staying true to myself, my values, and my boundaries.

    I would love another chance with this man to be myself, to see what happens naturally that way. I’m not sure I’ll be given one (especially since he has begun talking to another woman on the same dating app), but I am gaining peace and empowerment in relinquishing the faulty notion of control, and seeing what unfolds organically. Interestingly enough, early on, he mentioned that but I didn’t understand it at the time. Now, I think I do.

    It’s almost funny, all this time I thought people I met in my life were constantly rejecting me and finding better elsewhere, when in reality, I think they were rejecting the “fake” version of me. It makes me wonder, if I had stayed true to myself and my boundaries, always been myself, would those relationships have turned out differently? I guess I’ll never know. Anyway, I am going to try my best to rectify the rushing I did the best I can, probably by giving him some space and allowing him to come to me rather than the other way around. Do you have any other suggestions on how to go about this?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.
    July 31, 2017 at 11:09 am #161336
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    Yes, I do have a suggestion. In your next post, will you describe how it felt to you, as the child that you were, to be unattended to by your mother, describe it in the simple language of a child, not the rational, sophisticated way you described things above, using the vocabulary and education that you used above. Tell me like you are a five year old. That is, when and if you have the time and inclination. It may take a certain setting you will need to arrange, such as being alone in a quiet place, certain music perhaps.

    anita

    July 31, 2017 at 11:26 am #161344
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    This was a lot more difficult to do than I would have expected. I wonder why that is? When I really think about it, and bring myself back to that place, I felt above all else, scared. Scared that I wouldn’t be cared for like I needed to, helpless. I also felt sad, lonely, neglected, unloved, jealous, wrong, grotesque. Like something was definitely wrong with me, not her or anyone else. I felt guilty, for not being “right” and “good” naturally. I also felt confused, that I didn’t know why things were this way, and angry about it, for that matter. As I got older, I replaced most of those emotions with anger. I became (outwardly to my family) mean, abrasive, and cold. Inside, I felt those same emotions, but I didn’t let myself think about it or really feel them.

    When I reflect on what I’ve written here, you are right, these are the same emotions I have been feeling towards men, especially in the early stages of dating. What makes it worse, is when those relationships end, and I see them in relationships with other women, it validates those negative emotions even more. Like those women are “right” and “good” and “desirable”, while I am not those things. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy that I can see now. Did you suggest I do this exercise, so that I can fully acknowledge and heal these childhood wounds as to not repeat the negative cycle again?

    July 31, 2017 at 11:39 am #161350
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    I will be soon be away from the computer probably for the next 17 hours or so. I am not very focused right now, but enough focused to be able to tell that the above could not possibly be written by a five year old. The educated, sophisticated laelithia is evident in your last post as she is in all the others. What I meant is that you really (!) use the language of a five year old best you can. As to your last question, the reason for this exercise: there is no improvement needed for your rational thinking- it is as perfect as it can be. Your rational understanding cannot get any better, at this point.

    It is your emotional understanding that can be improved. If you use the language of a five year old, on the next post (if you so choose), you are more likely to access those emotions. As is, your rational understanding is obscuring the emotional understanding, or should I say, not allowing it full expression.

    The goal for the exercise: better mental health, more effective functioning in life, not being driven to rush so to fill the void… not being driven by fear.

    Will be away, take your time if you at all choose to do this exercise. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

    August 1, 2017 at 6:57 am #161530
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    The exercise I suggested is very difficult to do and doing it in this context, here, may very well be the wrong context. Maybe you can attempt it in a different context.

    I am more focused this morning and will respond to your last message. You wrote there that as a child you felt scared, helpless, sad, “lonely, neglected, unloved, jealous, wrong, grotesque. Like something was definitely wrong with me… guilty, for not being ‘right’ and ‘good’… confused… angry”

    In relationships with men, when those end and they move on to other women, you see those other women as “right… good… desirable” while you are (I am understanding) wrong, bad and undesirable.

    The beliefs that you are wrong, bad and undesirable, these are Core Beliefs. They guide your behaviors in relationships with men. These core beliefs are inaccurate, that is, they are not true to reality. Because they are not true to reality they direct you toward dysfunctional, ineffective behaviors and relationships.

    These Core Beliefs are a combination of thoughts and strong feelings. The strong feelings keep those thoughts (“I am wrong/bad/undesirable…) in place, persistent, through time. They motivate you to act desperately, to rush into physical intimacy, to make believe that you are loved quickly, before that love goes away, perhaps.

    To change these core beliefs takes a whole lot of work over time. It takes re-learning reality, which is that you are right, good and desirable after all, always have been.

    anita

     

    August 1, 2017 at 4:40 pm #161658
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your last post, that makes a lot of sense to me. I think you are right, and I am learning to try to change those beliefs. I’m not sure if I would be able to while in a relationship or not, or if those core beliefs have already caused this last one to end.

    As an anecdote, I spoke with him on the phone yesterday, but we did not talk about anything of any significance. He didn’t bring up the article I sent, nor did I, and if anything, we made small talk. I have not heard from him today, but I have seen he has been online. Before, he would speak to me daily and seemed eager to do so. More and more I’m feeling like his interest in me has all but depleted. I’m torn between calling him and talking about it, or just leaving it alone and seeing if he contacts me.

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.
    August 2, 2017 at 9:15 am #161738
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    If you called him and talked about it, as you are thinking of doing, what will you say to him?

    anita

    August 2, 2017 at 3:06 pm #161788
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I talked to him again on the phone yesterday, but again we did not discuss “the relationship” or lack-thereof. In fact, he was returning my call, rather than him calling me on his own. I’m starting to wonder if this point if he is simply just trying to be polite and talking to me out of pity.

    So, to answer your question, I suppose there isn’t anything to say. Before, I was thinking of having a frank discussion with him, as adults, if he even wanted to see me again when he gets back home next week, or if he has essentially written me off. If I look at his actions, it would seem it is the latter. Up until yesterday, he would message or call me at least once every day. Presently, it seems he will respond to my contact, but will not encourage more conversation (i.e. he will answer how his day was after I ask, but he won’t ask how mine was), and he does not seem to initiate. I suppose this is only a day of observation, but it’s such a drastic change, it’s quite obvious. Before we used to have long conversations over the phone and text.

    Today, I have not heard from him, and my gut instinct is telling me that I will not. Normally, I would message him or call him, but I think as many friends and family members have suggested, I need to let it go. I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong, how I can fix it, etc., but the truth is I don’t think I will ever know. I don’t even know if me rushing into things was the kiss of death or if it was something else and would have happened anyway. But I am frustrated thinking that that could be it and I ruined a good thing by being insecure and falling back to bad habbits.

    When I think of letting it go, I realize what feels more difficult is not knowing what happened, rather than actually letting this particular person go. I thought we had a lot of potential as a couple, but at the end of the day, that’s all it was. I never got the chance to truly get to know him, to build a real attachment, and vice versa. I can’t help but think though, if he had given it more time, if he had been more patient and given me another chance to be in the moment rather than rush into a relationship, it could have been something great.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.
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