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He is really gone…

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  E 6 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #39309

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    After a month of doing things to get close to myself, writing, reading many blogs on TB, reaching out to the community, getting amazing feedback, going for walks, meditating, hanging out with good people and doing many other things to help me levitate the pain of my breakup, I am still in pain.
    It hit me on Friday night that its been a month since the day he broke my heart. He is gone. Its like realizing that someone is dead and they will never come back. I cried inconsolably for hours on Friday night and have been crying on and off all weekend. Memories of him keep surfacing and I am angry at him and mostly at myself. I didn’t listen to myself when I know things didn’t feel right in our relationship. I didn’t respect myself enough to listen to my instincts. I am so angry at myself that I can’t continue this journey for finding “self love”. I would’ve married this man if it weren’t for him leaving me. I know I dodged a bullet but he is still here. His presence is still in my heart. Is he always going to be here? how do people who go through a broken marriages ever get over their breakups? how can anyone trust that they deserve to be loved if they themselves don’t think they are worthy. I am 30 years old and very strong but this breakup has bought me to my knees. I am rethinking everything in my life. every decision. I feel like he has rejected me because I was not worthy of his love. I fail to recognize that I tried and I loved with everything in my being but the fact that he rejected me feels like I am not good enough.
    The trigger for these feelings was me ending a friendship with someone who wasn’t mature enough. I have tried being friends with this man a few times and my close friends and my ex use to feel uncomfortable around this guy and always said that there was something not right about him. I ignored them and my own instincts and still tried to be friends with him. last week this guy called me to pick me up from a bar. I thought he was in trouble. my gut told me tell him to get a cab but I went anyways because I thought I owed him an explanation on why I ended our friendship when I was with my ex. He got every inappropriately physical with me and I had to tell him to back off. He also was upset at me for very stupid reasons. he didn’t care that I broke our friendship because of my ex. he thought that my ex was jealous of him because “most men are”.
    This incident reminded me of all the things my ex use to say to me. Again my mind was making my ex the hero. Is he always going to be a hero in my head? how can I take him off that pedestal. No wonder he left me cause I was a starry eyed girl who worshipped him. No one like to be a hero as comes with great responsibilities. all and all I don’t blame him for leaving me but the angry remains. The fact that I am not good enough remains. The fact that I sabotage our relationship remains.

    #39335

    Neesa
    Participant

    Hey Sapna

    I can understand what you are going through because I am in your shoes too. But I would like to tell you just keep on trying (meditation etc.) as it will help you get out of this slowly and steadily.Its been 2 months since me and my ex husband parted ways. You should be thankful to god that you were not married to this guy atleast.I was less fortunate than you and got married to sumone who least deserved me and my love. I know its easier said than done but just imagine you would have been completly broken if all this would have happened after marriage. Also, remember one thing always until and unless you start loving yourself,you cannot love others,This is what I am trying to do. Go for morning walks,change your hairstyle and for that matter go and give yourself a complete makeover. This may sound bizarre but trust me you will really feel good about yourself. He was not a hero or anything,it was you who gave him that position in your life. Trust me,you deserve far far better person than him who will keep you as a princess.And then who knows you will look back and laugh at the whole thing which happened to you.Take lessons from your past and remember not to make same mistakes in the future.

    I am not very good with words but I hope that this will help.Remember one things life is too short to drool over your past.Move on,love those people who love you and first and foremost love yourself.

    Takecare and stay in touch..

    lods of Love

    Neesa

    #39336

    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I’m sorry for this temporary resurgence of doubt and insecurity. I know it can be difficult when old feelings return, and they make us feel like the work we’ve been doing has been for nothing. This is completely normal, and is an unavoidable aspect of healing. Consider looking at it a little differently, and it may become clearer. This is what my heart and mind saw happened:

    When the man called from the bar, your heart gave you a feeling of danger, which you ignored. Your tender shoots of self love are in need of protecting, which your heart knew… but your habits or mind or whatever said to do it anyways, and you did. Then you were in a very uncomfortable moment with a drunk man, who clearly has problems with boundaries. To defend your boundaries, you summoned up the Hero Sapna who successfully cast off the danger. But, in days past you used the ex-boyfriend to bolster that inner hero, and so there were echoes of his protection in your mind.

    This is similar to people who spend time with critical people… often the inner critic takes on the voice of the person. There is one person, for instance, that if I spend too much time helping him, my inner voice speaks in his language instead of my own. Another is that sometimes we dream in other languages than our native language. In your mind, you have more experience with the ex-boyfriend’s protection than your own, so energetically you reverted to an outdated language to protect yourself.

    This is fine and normal, and you should be proud that you didn’t make matters even more difficult by surrendering to the drunk’s advances! That you didn’t catch it at the first arrow (gut saying cab) simply means you have a “hero hangover” or a leftover feeling of low energy (shame, doubt, grief). Don’t give up, put your butt back on the cushion, because this too shall pass. Said differently, last night was hard on your heart, and so the resurgence of pain is normal, usual.

    It doesn’t mean what you’ve been doing isn’t working, rather, it means it is working beautifully. You know this because you can see the contrast… how you went from feeling one way to feeling the other. Your heart spoke up, you went a different path, and can see where it lead, and now your heart can heal it. Keep walking, keep going… when we stumble with our eyes open, we grow wise. Namaste!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39340

    E
    Participant

    Hi sap nap 3, remember that you and I both share very similar stories and I can understand what you are feeling. My ex and I hadn’t spoken for almost a month when I received a text message saying, “hey sorry for bugging you but did my new drivers license arrive?” last Tuesday. A first I double checked my phone and couldn’t believe it was him, for a moment I had even forgotten we were ever together but then soon after feeling anxious, nervous, and the goose bumps I replied that all his mail had been returned to sender. Didn’t hear anything else after that and I didn’t even call or text back anything. I texted my closest friend and first thing that was said was ” don’t read too much into it or analyze what was just a simple text.” At first I was okay then soon after two days passed I guess I began to hope that maybe he would have texted again, I was wrong. I started feeling like you but you know what, at some point both you and I and everyone that is in our position really need to move past what has happened. Living sad, depressed, overwhelmed, worried, angry, and disappointed will get us nowhere..life is passing us by because we are dwelling on something that possibly would have ended either way in time. These men that we claim to love have moved on not once caring to look for us or contact us and we are still isolating ourselves from the world and the possibilities of a greater life. Whether it was our fault or theirs, the point is they broke up with us because they had already made the decision to end something that wasn’t working. Plus, maybe they knew we really wanted out subconsciously but as women felt that in time our issues would work themselves out. Thing is sometimes some relationships arent meant to be, doesnt mean that your guy didnt or doesnt love you, but sometimes you have to let someone go because they are not good to be around. Sometimes I think the fact that they ended it maybe took away us having the last word. Do you feel you would have been stronger had u done the breaking up? Felt like you had won the battle you both were fighting? Truth is sapnap our storiesmare so similar that when i read your story i truly feel that maybe you held on to something that was never really there. matt and john said it best to me when they said i created the person i wanted him to be in my head but he was never really there. They possibly did us a big favor woman, can’t see it right now but in time u will. I have good day, bad days, and some weirded out days but I’m progressing. Anytime u wanna talk just contact me.

    #39345

    Peace
    Participant

    Hang in there Snap, I’m so sorry for what you are going thru. I know this is tough, I’m going thru a similar situation and it sux. When I read your post, I read something from someone so caring and loving. I am sending good vibes, peace, and love your way. Just hang in there, today. All you have to do is hang in there today. The memory may not go away, but the emotions will fade over time. It’s hard, but just make it thru today and you will make it. Eat some food!! And get some sun! Peace and love to you

    #39354

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your kind words. Really this site has made me feel so loved.
    Neesa, I remember your story. you are a very strong woman! thank you for all the kind, loving words. I wish you every happiness in this world. A woman like you certainly deserves a good man.

    Matt, as always you have given me the gift of hope and logic. I thank you. I have to tell you that I found some old emails (in my tablet) from my ex and I. there was just so much love and promise in those emails. It took my breathe away. I tried not to read them and delete as fast as I can but some of those emails were unbelievably touching and heart warming. I know the truth now as actions always speak louder but my stupid heart wants to go back to the days of those words. in this arms. its both sad and insulting to the woman I want to become but I can’t help it. I can’t lie and say that I didn’t give my ex a hard time. I have trust issues and I made him prove himself to me. When I read those emails, I read how much I loved him and how much I hated doubting him but at the end all my doubts were true. He even told me that all my concerns were true. he never completely understood me so he disregarded my concerns and told me things he thought would make me happy and secure (not meaning a word). My stupid heart is yet to believe what my ex has already confessed to me. my heart keeps thinking the he still loves me. I can see that I am learning a lot about myself through this pain but my heart always goes back to him.

    E, you are amazing! thank you for your kind advice. I think most of everything you said is true, if not all of it. I am waiting for when my mind and heart will catch up to the reality of this situation. its so surreal to me. I hope you heal soon. I wish you love.

    Peace, thank you. your sweet response made me smile and cry at the same time. I have always been very compassionate but the only person I fail to show this loving side of me is me.

    #39359

    John
    Participant

    Hey S,

    I realize how much pain you’re in and I empathize completely. At the same time, I’m really excited for you. I think this experience is going to be one of most self-empowering of your life if you take the time to seriously reflect on how your view of love, romance, and relationships possibly led you astray and blinded you to the real, flawed, sometimes inadequate person behind the man who you idealized and raised above yourself in your search for happiness.

    When you’re ready to let go even more and reap the learning benefits of this experience, here are two articles that I would strongly suggest you look through:

    http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-practical-buddhist-guide-to-romance/

    http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=3491

    You are going to be so much stronger as a result of this and never again will you ignore your instincts and seek out things & people outside of yourself to make you feel complete.

    #39365

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    John,

    you are 100% right on (again). i did idealize him. i made him such a hero that even when I read blogs on TB, my mind goes back to the things he use to say to me. He would tell me to be the center of my own world. He would tell me that he loved me for who i was. He would tell me to think positive. In all of these memories coming up, i forget that he also told me that its only him and i that matter in this world. He also yelled at me for anything i would do that didn’t fit his norm. He would also never let me in even though i would beg and cry about it. in the emails i re-read yesterday, there was so much hope and promise from him. he was to never leave me. we were in for the better and worst but i ignored the actions. i ignored that he was actively trying to change me. he was actively trying to make me like his ex. he was actively lying to me.

    I hope i start feeling like i am making progress and not feel like i am drowning. I feel so overwhelmed with his memories. i am still blaming myself for everything as he couldn’t do anything wrong. I will read the articles you sent but in time. I still feel very weak and unwilling to nurture myself. unwilling to look within to find that love. with him it felt so good. I don’t know how and when i can feel like that with myself. its such a shame that someone like me who has gone through real hardships in life is thinking this way. I grew up in a slump and moved to america when i was 14. i battled through my parent’s bankruptcy and put myself through college. I think I looked at all the men in my life as a rescue. i was so exhausted of doing everything on my own that when my ex said that he will be there for me forever, i decided to let him in and believe him. I was looking to change jobs beginning of this year and he told me to take that leap because even if was the worst decision, he was my net. he will catch me if i fall. those words were so powerful. i know i was and am a broken person and he is too. we both attracted each other because of that but what do I do of these memories? how do i forget those words?

    #39367

    John
    Participant

    Still the reel loops and loops in your mind with no end in sight. Like it’s being projected on a screen, I can grab a bag of popcorn, sit back, and watch the movie play. 😉

    Remember, the mind is a like a muscle. Like the muscles in your arms and legs, if you don’t train properly, you’ll never be able to lift any weights or run any long distances.

    The fallout of your relationship is like a heavy set of dumbbells have been thrown at you and you don’t have the strength to get them off. Sometimes, people find someone else to take the weight off (start another relationship) or turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex, which all provide temporary relief until the next time you get hit with an even heavier burden and you’re back to square one.

    The solution? Meditation and mindfulness. Proper training of the “mind muscle” will allow you to distance yourself from your thoughts and memories – not let them overwhelm you. You will be able to sit back in theatre of your mind and watch the movie play, but, this time you’ll know that it’s just a movie. They’re just thoughts and memories. With a few months of proper training, their only meaning and significance will be what you choose to make of it.

    #39370

    Preet
    Participant

    Hi Sapnap,

    Well, the fact that I am here in this thread should tell you that I too am going through something similar. It is quite sad, though I am glad we are here for each other now. 🙂
    After reading the entire thread and analysing my own situation for about two months now, I feel that all your answers are hidden in this thread itself.
    The reason behind all of it is you and only you yourself.

    You admit that you have a problem listening to your instincts. I think this is the first point of mistake. What happens when we stop listening to ourselves is that we start expecting someone else to tell us what to do and what not to. Which in the end only makes us a parasite. We lose our power to contribute to the next persons’ growth and it starts suffocating them. Just like you mentioned, nobody wants to be a hero. Each one us want to grow. Probably you were not contributing to his growth any more.

    You have to start believing in yourself, in your thoughts, in your ability to judge situations instinctively. Believe me, you will start feeling much more natural/comfortable with yourself and everything genuine starts appealing. The fake automatically fades away!

    As far as echoing his thoughts in you mind goes, realise that these are your thoughts instead. It is because you agreed with him and somewhere deep down knew what he said was right, you imbibed it. So it is based on your sense of judgement at the end of the day. Because you carry that sense of right and wrong.

    Nobody is perfect in this world. But people make it Big! And really big! Just because they believe in themselves and their true instincts.

    Sit down with yourself. Don’t try to distract yourself or keep yourself entertained by engaging with people unnecessarily. Just talk to yourself. Believe me, nobody else can appreciate your emotions as much as you can. Not even that guy, even if he returned. These are your feelings and only you can do justice to them by paying the due attention they deserve.

    Love yourself, you are as much a creation of God as anyone else is.

    Lots of Love

    #39372

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    John, Preet,

    You are right. it is like a movie in my head. My mind made up a person in my head and failed to see the real him. I feel like apologizing to him after reading what you and Preet has written. I won’t but it make me really sad that i put a person in a position that i put my ex in.

    All the words he said to me when we began our relationship, my head turned them into a vision of a perfect mate. my perfect mate. When he started being himself, we argued because just like him, i made our relationship up in my mind. He had the balls to walk out while i still live in my la la land. granted he moved on after finding someone else but that’s besides the point. more i look into myself, the worst i feel cause i feel like if i could’ve just been a genuine person, we would’ve made it. i know it takes two to tango but all those things i was saying to myself that i was trying. i gave my all was a lie. i lied to him and myself.

    when we broke up, i called him a monster and now i feel like one.

    #39373

    John
    Participant

    You put him in that position? You want to apologize to him?

    That kind of guilt is just your ego talking.

    If you think he wants an apology, perhaps you want to be the center of his universe. You want him to raise you on a pedestal and acknowledge your fall by getting your apology. You want him to pine after you. Once again, a lot ego to want him to think that you’re that important.

    It’s not healthy for you to idealize him and it wouldn’t be healthy for him to treat you like the source of his happiness.

    If he didn’t like where things were going or what was happening, he could have walked out much earlier. But he stayed until the situation got to where it was, where your feelings took you where you were, and where you said and did the things you said and did. His role in this equation is as equal to yours. When an adult mindlessly walks into a war zone and gets shot, you can’t just blame the sniper. Like you said, takes two to tango.

    So much should’a could’a would’a going on. That’s the past. The question is, what are you going to do now?

    #39375

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Definitely not going to contact him! you are right. its all ego. Subconsciously, i want him to realize that we were good together. An apology doesn’t mean anything if there are ulterior motives to it. I know that i am more compassionate than that. I will continue my journey to find myself. I will continue this dialog with myself to make sure that in the future when i meet my true partner (a stable person), i will never second guess my actions. I will know that i am being true to me and him.

    i know i am capable to giving a lot of love not only to others but myself too. i always thought loving yourself is selfish but going through enough broken relationships, friends and lovers, i am realizing that i have never been true to myself. i invested in everyone but myself. looking within is hard as the guilt and other feeling come up like unclogging a pipe. I have to promise myself to not get in the back and forth cycle of conversation with my ex because its not fair to him or me. I have to lead this path alone.

    thank you again John. I love the tough love. that’s what i needed. Matt is usually very gentle but i like that you took a tougher approach with me. i am sure this is not the last you will hear from me so keep that in mind 🙂

    #39381

    E
    Participant

    Way to go John!!! Tough love is what you give and sometimes it’s that lil kick in the butt that helps us see the light from the darkness..I sooooooo appreciate what you have advised everyone incl myself..bet you must have gone through something similar, and if you came out ahead so can we. Every time I catch myself slipping into the danger zone (GO TOP GUN) I read your advice and I snap out of it. Keep his advice as well as matts in mind, they both have made major points. If you still wish to talk sapnap3 I responded to your email so we,can chat. Continue striving for the best and for great healing.

    #39383

    Matt
    Participant

    🙂

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