Home→Forums→Relationships→He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please!
- This topic has 151 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 1 week ago by
anita.
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February 22, 2024 at 8:58 am #428051
SushmitaParticipantThanks for being there during my tough time…. I am towards healing.. happier and content without him.. something that felt is impossible to overcome ….. I am working towards achieving my goals and bettering myself…. to anyone going through heartbreaks.. just hang in there.. you’ll get the courage to overcome. Do not fight for someone who is okay with loosing you.. the world is big .. there are plenty of fishes in the sea .. but first work on yourself. 🌻
Thanks again ma’am.:)
Sending you love 💝
February 22, 2024 at 10:58 am #428055
anitaParticipantDear Sushmita:
You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and loving sentiment! So good to read your positive update, and I hope that others reading your words will be encouraged by your uplifting message. Thank you for caring about others and being so kind to me!
Anytime you feel like it (feeling positive or not), do post again.
anita
March 10, 2024 at 7:06 am #428533
Mansi2468ParticipantHi. Going through unbearable pain. We were together for 12 years. His famiy always hated me without even knowing me a bit just because he was dating me.
I always kept positive though that maybe because i am his girlfriend this is happening. Once they know we are serious things will change.
We stayed together. 4 years ago he asked me to tell my family about us. I did. His elder sisters are not married so his parents didnt want to meet us till that happens. 2 years ago they met but were very cold to me. His mom didnt even talk to me. I still thought that its ok maybe she will be better will me in future once things are sorted. So many years have passed but their cold treatment never changed. And now also they totally said no to marriage till the elder sisters are married. I am 31. I was still willing to wait. My family just wanted a roka atleast. Ofcourse after so many years thats the bare minimum. But they are not willing to budge. I cant deal with my insecurity and my boyfriend just backed out now because he cant give me any timeline for commitment. I am in unbearable pain. He was my life. He was my husband to me. I gave him everything. Worshipped him. And i just dont know what to do or how to deal with this.
March 10, 2024 at 8:51 am #428542anitaParticipantDear Megha:
You shared that you were together with your boyfriend since you were 19, now 31 (12 years). His parents didn’t want to meet you until 2 years ago, and when they did, they were very cold to you, his mother didn’t even talk to you. Most recently, his parents said No to marriage and No to a Roka (a pre-marriage ceremony, in Indian culture), not before your boyfriend’s 2 elder sisters get married.
“I cant deal with my insecurity and my boyfriend just backed out now because he cant give me any timeline for commitment. I am in unbearable pain He was my life. He was my husband to me...”- I am sorry that you are in unbearable pain (or were in unbearable pain one hour and 45 ago when you submitted the post above). Sooner than later, you will feel better!
When you say that he backed out, do you mean from the idea of marriage, or from the relationship as a whole? Also, is he his parents’ only son, and do you have any idea why his mother, didn’t like you as her son’s potential wife/ her potential daughter in-law… and why she didn’t arrange for her son to marry another woman, one of her choice?
anita
March 17, 2024 at 11:56 am #428720SushmitaParticipantIf in his 30s he is still looking upto his parents for his life’s decision and putting you through this.. idk . Indian families are just toxic in the name of culture and traditions.There is no quickfix to your pain, I’ll not give you false hopes.. world is like that.. it’s not fair.sooner you accept it better it will be for you.If he wants to marry you and family is not budjing you can marry without their approval.. such people do not deserve to be part of their children’s life.And if he is not showing any effort.. don’t waste another 12 years. Good luck didi.
September 7, 2024 at 10:59 am #437086
BhavanaParticipantHeyy iam bhavana…my bf brokeup with me very recently because his family is completely against inter religious marriage…
It was 7 years relationship.He is good guy…he is everything I wanted in a man….
And I really don’t know how to move on…
Any suggestions would be great help
September 7, 2024 at 12:19 pm #437095anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
Did you read the stories and suggestions in this 10-page thread? If you did, or do, please share your thoughts about the suggestions I and other members offered on this thread.
anita
September 7, 2024 at 1:08 pm #437098BhavanaParticipantYeahh I read all of them….
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I understand things take time….But right now everything feels like its impossible.</p>
I don’t have any job…iam preparing for competitive exams…but iam not able to concentrate at all…iam trying…but it is being hard.So it feels like iam failing at everything
Iam failing as a daughter
Iam failing as a student
Iam failing as a person
September 8, 2024 at 7:00 pm #437139anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
This is a rough self-judgment: failing as a person. Please tell me how you’re failing as za person..?
anita
September 9, 2024 at 8:01 am #437935anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
I am sorry that you are experiencing such emotional pain. You shared that very recently your boyfriend of 7 years broke up with you because his parents disapprove of an inter-religious marriage for him, that you don’t have any kind of job, that you are preparing for competitive exams, but you are not able to concentrate at all.
“it feels like I am failing at everything. I am failing as a daughter. I am failing as a student. I am failing as a person.“-
– Society has failed you, not the other way around. If you and your boyfriend were good to and for each other, then society (in India) which looks down at, and considers inter-faith marriages a taboo, has failed you.
His parents, if they disapproved of the marriage because they didn’t want their son, wife and future children to suffer societal disapproval and abuse, I understand their position. In any case, if they knew of the 7-years relationship and allowed it, knowing that a marriage is a No, then they failed you.
If your boyfriend believed that he can have a good marriage with you and not suffer significant societal retribution, then he failed you when he obeyed his parents in regard to a marriage. If he knew for years that he will not marry you.. he failed you as well, just as his parents did.
From dw. com/ why interfaith marriage in India is getting dangerous (1/11/2023): “In one incident two years ago, Indian police stopped an interfaith marriage in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh despite the consent of both families. Before the ceremony could begin, a police team intervened following a complaint by a local Hindu right-wing leader… In extreme cases, families have attacked or even killed couples for falling in love or for trying to marry someone outside their religion…
“At least eight states, including six governed by the ruling Hindu nationalist Bharativa Janata party (BJP), have passed anti-conversion laws that ban religious conversion solely for the purpose of marriage… Last month, the Vishva Hindu Parishad (VHP), a hardline Hindu group, launched a nationwide public ‘awareness campaign,’ claiming that Hindu women are being caught up in ‘love jihad’… where Muslim men lure Hindu women into marriage and conversion to Islam. Hindu groups claim, without evidence, it is an organized conspiracy”.
Back to you: you chose a Hindu screen name. I wonder if you are a Hindu woman and your (ex) boyfriend, a Muslim man. What about your parents, if I may ask: did they approve or disapprove of the marriage?
anita
September 10, 2024 at 2:57 am #437983BhavanaParticipantThank you so much for the reply mam…
Mam….iam Hindu and he is christian.
And my close family had inter religious marriages before…so it is not a big issue at my side…
September 10, 2024 at 8:33 am #437993anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
You are welcome. I am wondering: did his Christian family know about their son’s 7-year-long relationship with you (being from a Hindu family) for a long time, and approved of it (or at least didn’t disapprove of it) because their son was too young to marry.. then disapproved of the relationship because he is of marriage-age and they want him to be available for a Christian woman?
I also wonder (and of course, you don’t have to answer this or any of my questions) if you and now ex, talked about his family’s possible disapproval of a marriage anytime during the long relationship..?
anita
September 10, 2024 at 10:53 pm #438018BhavanaParticipantMam…
His parents had love marriage….so he was always confident that he can talk to his parents and convince them….
He has an elder brother who is yet to be married…..so while looking for matches for him….he saw his parents reactions for certain matches it was pretty bad….and they don’t know who iam….but they know that he is in a relationship….so during that time of looking for matches for his elder brother….they warned him also….saying…we won’t agree if she does not belong to our religion and community…..he tried to talk to them…but they gave him hard time and stopped talking entirely….and recently his mother had a severe illness….so..he couldn’t further speakup fearing any health consequences for his mother
Yes we did discuss about that situation…
But I 100% knew….my family’s reaction….and he was pretty sure he could convince them…
Unfortunately…His parents reaction was very unexpected to him…
September 10, 2024 at 10:58 pm #438019BhavanaParticipantOur assumptions are wrong….
I believe assuming things and going through relationship was our fault….
September 11, 2024 at 7:34 am #438026anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
“His parents had love marriage.. so he was always confident that he can talk to his parents and convince them“- if both his parents came from Christian families, their love marriage is of a different category than if they came from two different religions. If his parents are of a same religion love marriage, then your ex did not suspect at all that they may disapprove of a different religion love marriage?
“during that time of looking for matches for his elder brother.. they warned him also.. saying.. we won’t agree if she does not belong to our religion and community.. he tried to talk to them.. but they gave him hard time and stopped talking entirely.. and recently his mother had a severe illness“- the usual parental manipulation: silent treatment, guilt tripping, and maybe faking or exaggerating an illness.
“he was pretty sure he could convince them… His parents reaction was very unexpected to him“- I often read in the forums that (in arranged marriage societies) young men think that they can convince the parents on the issue, and I don’t know why they’d think that, or be sure of it, because the Power is with the Parents.
“Our assumptions are wrong.. I believe assuming things and going through relationship was our fault..“- yes, assuming things based on wishful thinking (not on evidence) is a problem. There is a saying, the heart wants what the heart wants. And now you have to give your heart time and attention so that it heals, so that it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.. little by little.
Please feel free to post any time you feel like posting. Maybe expressing yourself, here on this thread (or on a new thread you may want to start), and receiving supportive replies will help a bit.
anita
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