He left me after pregnancy termination

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October 23, 2018 at 11:27 am #232773

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

Hi all

I’m hoping to get some comforting words or life advice from my heart wrenching situation. Thank you in advance for your kindness.

I recently had a short but intense 3 month relationship. It felt different to other previous dates and short relationships that I have had over the years. I felt very at ease with this man and could see myself falling in love….with what I felt was going to be long lasting. In 20/20 hindsight, I’ve learned that I am an empath, alongside being an idealist romantic. Oh dear I hear you say. I have seen two spiritualist psychic friends who both told me it was a karmic relationship (these ones don’t tend to last!).

I was in bliss with this man and it was reciprocal, something I hadn’t felt in a long time with someone. By unplanned events, I fell pregnant the first time we were intimate, around 6 weeks into dating. I was convinced he would leave and broke the news to him. He couldn’t have been more supportive and told me that it didn’t change how he felt about me. We discussed it together and agreed that it was best for a termination. My heart was breaking because as a woman, you don’t imagine having to terminate your first pregnancy. I also left a previous relationship 18 months ago because he didn’t want to have a family at all down the line, so having to do this was a huge challenge emotionally. I cried and grieved on my own, as I felt that putting too much onto my new partner may actually scare him off. We discussed it on and off prior to the termination date. There was one time that I did become rather upset on the phone and frantic as the clinic changed the date at the very last minute. He reassured me but then I noticed he backed off for the next couple of days and didn’t wish me good luck on the day I started my new job. Due to being a people pleaser, I didn’t challenge him on this…I wish I had. He was a bit stand off ish when I called him and he told me that I need to be more forthcoming with what I need him to do and he would then do it. He mentioned mind games, to which I replied that I don’t do that sort of thing. (amber flag). There were a couple of other flags I noticed but again I didn’t confront them, which I regret now, knowing what I do about myself.

The day of the termination 2 days later he was there with me all night when I was in a lot of pain. He comforted me and rubbed my lower back for hours. The next 9 days or so I felt we had shifted up a level having gone through this. I spent a whole 4 day weekend with him and met his brother and close friends. He had even spoken to his mum on the phone and told her he was spending time with me. He hadn’t told anyone about the termination. Then he became quiet and stopped initiating contact. My intuition and anxiety was going off as it normally does when a man is on his way out. I asked him if he was ok, but he gave me “busy with gym and work” line, but followed it up with saying how much he was looking forward to taking me out for my birthday surprise the next day. I felt confused but let it lie. My birthday was amazing and he was affectionate and ‘normal’. He met my closest friends the next day and got on well with them, but I noticed he didn’t touch me all evening and was texting his friend in the bar we were at. He seemed distant but said he was tired. Again I knew something was off. He stayed at my house that night and left the next day, kissing me goodbye. That was the last time I saw him.

He went quiet again that week despite me trying to see him. He ignored my text telling him I missed him. Then he sent me the breakup text, in which he appeared to dumb down our relationship and said he felt there was something missing, but couldn’t put his finger on it. We spoke on the phone and he said that “at this point you would have expected we’d be more connected by now, especially what we experienced as it either makes you or breaks you. I don’t think you came any closer so I gave up”. He called me a closed book and claimed he had no idea how I felt about him. I laid my cards on the table and told him I’m crazy about him and was excited for a progressing relationship as time and trust progresses. He said he was shocked about how I felt as I apparently gave no indication (however I am openly affectionate and wear my heart on my sleeve, but this was 3 months in – I wanted to let it unfold more). He said it “may have changed things and he could have done with hearing that at the time”, but now he had made up his mind it was over. He told me I was amazing and that his friends loved me (this just confused the hell out of me). Two days later I told him how disappointed I was that he sat on his doubts for a couple of weeks, assumed things about who I am then just ended it. I also told him he should not have taken me out for my birthday or met my closest friends when he already had one foot out of the door. I ended it with that I did not want any further contact.

So I lost my baby and a ‘relationship’ within 3 weeks of each other. Given the contradictory and confusing reasons or excuses he gave, I won’t have full closure. Losing him bought up the rawness of my recent termination and I felt like I had lost everything. Thank god for my family and friends otherwise I would not be here typing this. I have never known such pain, even when my father passed away. It has been a double loss and finding my way out is a slow painful process. Thank you for getting to the end of this!

October 23, 2018 at 12:12 pm #232781

Anonymous
Guest

Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

You chose your username, rebirth and restart 2018 following a termination of a pregnancy, one to not proceed to a birth and a start of a life. This has been such an emotionally meaningful and intense time for you, so much so that if I understand it correctly, you want to be reborn yourself, in a way. To restart.

Having read your account of his behavior, it seems to me that he had conversations in his head, arguments for and against staying with you, conflicted, eventually he figured he is leaving you because of.. you, because you didn’t come any closer, because you were a closed book (“I don’t think you came any closer so I gave up’. He called me a closed book”)

I can almost hear his inner conversation before he told you that, something like (maybe): I want out of this/ But you shouldn’t, not after what she went through/ But I want out/ But you don’t want to be a bad person/ so I’ll say it is her fault, that way I won’t be the bad one.

Not that I think he was a bad person for wanting out. I think he thought so. The pregnancy was unplanned, the relationship was new, but a pregnancy is an emotional issue, and a very physical one, for the woman.

Reads to me that he had a difficult time, being conflicted and finally finding a way out.

You asked for some comforting words and for advice. As to comforting words, I hope you are physically okay now and that you will take good care of yourself, that you will recover in every way from this experience, that you will experience the rebirth and restart you are hoping for.

I wish this man was honest and straightforward with you. He was not, but there is a man out there who will be honest and straightforward with you, so you won’t be left guessing. Life is difficult enough without mind games, which is unfortunately what he claimed you did while it is he who did, if I understand correctly.

As far as advice, what kind of advice would you like, regarding what specifically?

anita

October 23, 2018 at 1:12 pm #232795

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

Hi anita

Yes my username is exactly that. It is the process that I feel I’m going through as it has made me utterly breakdown and force me to completely rebirth into creating a new life and habits for myself. I didn’t even connect it to my termination, but it bears a heavy and important resonance doesn’t it.

I know it is hard to make assumptions as to what his exact motive and reasons could most likely have been, but I’m finding it particularly hard to accept that if he thought I was a closed book, why he didn’t choose to address this with me earlier on in an attempt to ‘deepen the connection’, if that’s what he really wanted (or not). I’m not a mind reader and I feel so frustrated he tried to put blame on me, when it was he who had the issue with what he felt I should be/do. He seemed to be making other efforts which corresponded to getting more involved with each other’s lives, then suddenly he’s got this issue why we wouldn’t work and there’s no compromising on it. It’s finished.

I also get stuck on wondering why he wanted out anyway, as it felt like we were progressing until he put on the brakes from one day to the next suddenly. One day he’s seemingly adoring me and then the next, he’s gone cold, flitters around in the background whilst giving me just enough to hang on, then point blank it’s done.

I think I just wish I was the exception, so to speak. I saw potential and felt a strong connection and it hurts me a lot to accept that his feelings could just fade out so coldly. I think I’m even more hurt because very early on, we were talking about how important communication is in relationships. He had told me that he felt that the problem was that people don’t know how to communicate. I assumed and ran with the idea that he knew how to openly communicate. In hindsight now I would have probed further as to how he would do this. But I also know that what people say and end up doing can be very different. It’s hard to accept and learn because I am a person who is very sure of my feelings and don’t tend to ‘u turns’. I also have specific reasons and can explain why I wouldn’t want to progress something. There’s no grey area within me for this.

I am physically recovered, thank you. Emotionally it has taken a very deep toll. I have lost myself and all my previous perceptions of what relationships and love are. I am now petrified of any possibility of dating in the future. It fills me with fear of being rejected and tossed aside again seemingly out of nowhere. In an ironic way, if I wasn’t a closed book then, I definitely am now. It’s incredibly sad and I’ve lost faith at present.

October 23, 2018 at 8:03 pm #232839
Valora
Participant
Hi RebirthandRestart2018… when you say your “intuition and anxiety were going off,” was it happening at the same time? If so, that wasn’t intuition. It was fear. You were afraid of him leaving you based on how you were reading the signals he was giving you (which was probably from the inner monologue that Anita was talking about). It’s possible that that fear caused you to close up more to protect yourself, which then made him lean towards NOT being with you because he sensed that you were closing off.

That might be something to be aware of when you get that feeling again…. if it doesn’t feel calm or good, it isn’t intuition. It’s more likely to be fear… and even if what you are afraid of comes true, it’s likely that that fear caused you to react and then behave in a way that made what you were afraid of happen or that belief then attracted that result to you. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, myself, so that’s why I wanted to specifically point that out.

I’m definitely not saying that’s what caused the breakup, but it’s just something to be aware of. It sounds like this guy just doesn’t know what he wants, really.

I can empathize with you on how you’re currently feeling about relationships as well. I have some abandonment issues from things that have happened to me over the years and it’s just one of those things where you have to remind yourself that not everyone is the same. Like I am the type that would not just up and leave someone I love without trying to give it my all and work on it and I am loyal to a fault, and since I am like that, I know that there must be others as well. The trick is to find someone who is the same way.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
October 24, 2018 at 4:16 am #232885
RebirthandRestart2018
Participant
Hi Valora

It’s reassuring to hear that you think along the same lines as me when it comes to giving it our all in relationships. It seems to be ever so easy and the preferred method for people to just walk away after they discover someone has a few ‘flaws’ or not ‘perfect’. I feel that people are far too often treated as disposable options nowadays as there’s plenty more available at the swipe of a finger online. But that’s for another thread! 🙂

Regarding my intuition and anxiety, they don’t happen simultaneously. Once I realise that a man could be fading out/changes the communication level, it presents itself as a ‘knowing’ initially. I can just sense it. Then I feel anxiety arise at the same time as thoughts such as “oh no here we go again, he’s off”. I would like to think that I didn’t close off, as I did reach out to him and asked if everything was ok. It was then he gave me the line of “busy with work and gym”. Upon hearing that, I again had a ‘deep knowing feeling’ that he was not being honest with me. I didn’t feel fear or anxiety in those moments, it was just a sense of knowing.

I discovered I have several traits of being an empath and it does explain why I’m able to tell if people are being dishonest through a message. I can also sense the shift in someone’s mood before they’ve even told me there’s anything wrong. This was a big problem with one of my previous partners who had undiagnosed depression. I would feel his heavy energy each time he went into an episode before he even had the chance to tell me he felt miserable. It was horrible feeling so depressed when it wasn’t even my feelings! I can also sense my partner’s very subtle body language changes towards me and ‘feel’ them moving further away from my energy.

But having said that, I completely understand and know that my fear may have ultimately caused it to manifest. Can I ask how you managed to tackle that challenge and not give in to just accepting the worse and then it happening?

I forgot to mention that his previous relationship ended one year before we met and when I asked why they ended, he explained that they had been together for 2 years and she lived with him. It was going well for some time, however she started to stay at home more rather than accompany him to his family/friends houses, making excuses that she had a headache. He said he felt embarrassed with making up excuses for her absence and as much as he “tried to support her”, it didn’t work, so he ended it. He explained that he felt she had anxiety as he had researched it a lot afterwards. I did a bit of looking (as you sometimes do!) on social media and noticed that she had moved onto someone else rather quickly after their breakup.

I’m wondering if part of him actually thought he saw similarities between my ‘closed’ behaviour and her ‘anxiety’ and thought it would be too much effort again. Oddly, he used to refer to this previous relationship as a “divorce”, even though they weren’t married. He said that he lost their pet cat “in the divorce”. It used to make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I was a people pleaser, I didn’t tackle my feelings on this with him. I guess I could go round and round with assumptions and analysing everything, but it doesn’t change the sad outcome. Yesterday marked 2 months since my termination and I allowed myself to cry for as long as I needed to. It’s a process.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by RebirthandRestart2018.
October 24, 2018 at 4:18 am #232887

Anonymous
Guest

Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

I want to quote from a post you placed on another thread and comment on it. If you would like me to comment on your recent post on this thread, I will, following your thoughts about my post here.

You wrote there: “For me, due to the intense emotional reactions I have when a man decides to end things with me, I have recently really had to dig deep into my past and seemingly nice overall childhood (on the surface) to figure out why I literally cannot function after a breakup… I have had a huge fear of abandonment and rejection and been a ‘people pleaser’ ever since I started dating in my early 20s… I also have had no self esteem or love for myself for as long as I can remember.. I’m slowly learning that it’s not healthy to ’emotionally attach’ myself to a man and pin my current and future ‘be all and end all’ happiness on him”-

I learned that these “intense emotional reactions” following a breakup in a romantic relationship is a re-experiencing of the Alone feeling of a child. It is the experience we already had which gets activated during a breakup. For a child, to feel truly Alone, separated from her parents, feels like approaching death, just like it does for other mammals when separated from the mother. A child can feel so very alone and abandoned for not being seen, even if the parents are physically there. When a child feels scared and hurt and there is no one there to calm her, comfort her, to make sense of her feelings, then the child is frighteningly Alone.

For a woman who was Alone as a child, it is that Alone feeling that gets activated during a breakup.

And for such a child, as she grows up with the happily-ever-after fairytales and movies, she does attach to a man as strongly as she was naturally attached to a parent, early on. Because for a child, her “future ‘be all and end all’ really does depend on a parent, this is how she feels about the man.

anita

October 24, 2018 at 4:31 am #232893

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

Bless you anita, thank you. It is strange, I don’t recall having conscious intense feelings like that when I was a child, which I why I feel it must all be subconscious. I know my mum felt very alone for a lot of the time when I was growing up as my dad was away on holidays. There was never ‘I love you’s’ spoken during my childhood and it felt like my parents relationship was like walking on eggshells and lots of open resentment between them. I hope that now I’ve become aware of my behaviour and thought patterns, that I can devise a way through it and change my ‘story’ so to speak. I don’t want to keep living in a sense of fear or keep an internal blog of how relationships just end up in rejection and hurt. It’s all I’ve known so far though, so it’s a huge rediscovery for me. Thank you for confirming how this has manifested in my adult life, I appreciate knowing that people understand.

October 24, 2018 at 4:45 am #232897

Anonymous
Guest

Dear RebirthandRestart:

Yes, we do forget how it felt then. As children we can’t endure feeling that way for long, so we disassociate, feel numb, distract. And later, we don’t remember how we felt before we disassociated. But the feeling gets activated during a breakup.

The disassociation in childhood does not eliminate the emotional experience. What happens is that the emotional experience keeps vibrating through our life affecting us in many ways, and gets most noticeable during a breakup.

You wrote: “I know my mum felt very alone for a lot of the time”- a child is not mentally separated from her mother. A young girl feels intense empathy for her mother, not really feeling separate from her. So when the mother expresses feeling alone, so does her young daughter.

And then, when the mother feels so alone, that does mean she is not feeling connected and together, not only with her husband, but with her daughter.

The resentment between your parents, that must have been scary for the girl that you were, not a safe home. Resentment, tension in the air, the walking on eggshells, that produces an anxious child.

“I don’t want to keep living in a sense of fear”- it is possible to live with way less fear. It is a slow process that takes a lot of patience and perseverance but it is possible. I am in this process myself and would be glad to share about it with you.

anita

October 24, 2018 at 5:12 am #232909

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

Thank you anita. Physically it was a safe home, but emotionally and mentally, I’m only just realising now how much of it I have soaked up and have been in that ‘role’ all my adult life, thinking that I was just poorly equipped to cope with a man not wanting me. I never realised it ran so deep.

I would love to hear about your journey and how you have progressed – please do share it with me.

October 24, 2018 at 5:43 am #232915

Anonymous
Guest

Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

It will take time to share it with you, of course. It can be done only through ongoing communication between the two of us, back and forth. If you are willing, we can do that. I will share something and when you are ready and willing, let me know what you think, if you can relate, or not and share something yourself.

I will start with my experience with the words in your username. I used to tell myself repeatedly: from now on, I will be different, from now on my life will be different. I restarted my life thousands of times, picking numbers and places as those new beginnings. I even got into Christianity for the purpose of indeed being reborn!

I used to think it can happen magically, that there really is a from-now-on-all-will-be-good. What I found out is that it is a process, a slow, tiring process in which I often didn’t feel good.

It takes so much patience, that I termed it Excruciating Patience.

And it takes gentleness with yourself, that is, whenever you are dissatisfied with your performance, you don’t beat yourself up, further regressing into the old ways. When you notice a step back, or a few steps back, game is not over. Instead: endure the distress and don’t move, don’t regress further, don’t make things worse by being impulsive and automatically reacting to the distress.

anita

October 24, 2018 at 5:59 am #232921

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

Of course I would like that, what is the best way to connect with you outside of this? I would provide you with my email address, however it has my real full name in and I wouldn’t like to divulge that on the forum.

I can very much relate to restarting and assuming it will all be good from then on in. We then harshly criticise ourselves when we slightly fall back. I really like your idea of ‘not moving’. I feel like I am in this stance within the last few days. Neither falling into regressing nor pushing forwards and forcing myself to be further on than I am on this day. Just ‘being’ is ok.

October 24, 2018 at 6:05 am #232925

Anonymous
Guest

Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

My offer is that we communicate here, on your thread. If you’d like, we can.

“We then harshly criticize ourselves when we slightly fall back”- this one keeps most people from progressing. This is a major stumbling block that keeps us stuck.

Do you want to further discuss the recent relationship? Bring up any topic that is most distressing to you at the moment.

anita

October 24, 2018 at 6:42 am #232933
RebirthandRestart2018
Participant
So sorry anita, I misinterpreted what you meant about continuing to connect! I’m more than happy to continue on this thread, so please do let me know more about your journey whenever you’re ready to delve in.

I’m not sure if you saw my reply to Valore, but there was one more niggling issue that I forgot to add to my initial post that may add weight to his overall attitude and behaviour towards the end of our relationship. (I’ll copy and paste it here from my previous reply). My ex’s previous relationship ended one year before we met and when I asked why they ended, he explained that they had been together for 2 years and she lived with him. It was going well for some time, however she started to stay at home more rather than accompany him to his family/friends houses, making excuses that she had a headache. He said that she was ‘a lovely girl’, but he felt embarrassed with keeping on making up excuses for her absence and as much as he “tried to support her”, it didn’t work, so he ended it. He explained that he felt she had anxiety as he had researched it a lot afterwards. I did a bit of looking (as you sometimes do!) on social media and noticed that she had moved onto someone else rather quickly after their breakup, whom she is still with a year later. His only other serious relationship ended about 8 years ago when his partner “changed” after they moved in together.
I’m wondering if part of him actually thought he saw similarities between my ‘closed’ behaviour and his ex’s ‘anxiety’ and thought it would be too much effort again?! Oddly, he used to refer to this previous relationship as a “divorce”, even though they weren’t married. He said that he lost their pet cat “in the divorce”. It used to make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I was a people pleaser, I didn’t tackle my feelings on this with him.

What impression or sense do you get from this?
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by RebirthandRestart2018.
October 24, 2018 at 6:57 am #232939

Anonymous
Guest

Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

I thought this may be the case before you suggested it yourself, just by reading your original post, I thought he was projecting a “closed book” experience that he had prior to you being in his life.

Like I wrote to you before, I think he was conflicted when he was with you and this is why his behavior was contradictory, and he was indeed the closed book he accused you of being. He didn’t share his conflict with you, he wasn’t an open book with you.

I figure he was very attached to his old live-in girlfriend and left feeling angry at her, and that very anger was part of his conflict with you. That and the challenging circumstance of pregnancy in a very new relationship.

anita

October 24, 2018 at 7:14 am #232943
RebirthandRestart2018
Participant
I am so glad that you got this impression anita as I had a feeling these pieces of the ‘puzzle’ fitted in somewhere with his past. There were glimpses of passive aggression and impatience in his tone of voice with me, when he was explaining to me about needing to be more forthcoming and when calling me a closed book. Although he was silent when I told him that he neither had come forwards and told me how he felt about me. So it showed me that he hadn’t reflected on his own thoughts and just projected his past wounds onto me, therefore blaming me for the demise. I’m relieved to hear that I haven’t been over thinking that possibility and that it is his emotional baggage in this respect. It also reminds me of another statement he made twice, “isn’t that what all women are like/all women are like that aren’t they” which was in relation to women’s indecisiveness and changing of their minds about a man/relationship. How ironic that this is the very thing that he projected onto me.

That was the only outstanding issue I have been grappling with, as sad as it is to hear, as I obviously had no chance of succeeding with him from the beginning. Termination or not. Had I been more assertive and pressed him on this and held up my boundaries (which I am now more aware of), I probably would have ended it myself if I got the impression the past was still lingering.

I look forward to hearing from you and whatever you wish to share.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by RebirthandRestart2018.
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