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He wants to take things slow

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  PearceHawk 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #168424

    Lilly82
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I'm in a fairly new relationship, but am confused a bit.

    My boyfriend and I have been together just over a couple months now, but both are very into each other.

    He had some hesitation early on because of bad past relationships, and was hurt, but I was hurt as well, and I'm all in.

    He has told me many times that he's falling in love with me, and I have told him that I am in love with him.  I've said it to a few more times since, but he still hasn't told me that he loves me.

    I know he wants to be with me, and see where things go.  I just am a bit hurt he hasn't said it yet.  Also, his parents were in town visiting this past weekend, and he didn't ask me to meet them.  AM I being unreasonable at this stage to have expected to meet them?

    We haven't had a sleep over for more than one night yet either.  Again, I know hes very interested in me, and constantly tells me how much he likes me.  I just don't know how to calm my anxiety, and trust that things will work out since it seems like we are both working at different paces.

    I think also because I'm 35, and want to to still have a family etc., and am in a bit of a ‘rush'.

    Is slow better? or am I wasting my time?

    #168442

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lilly,

    I would be feeling a little confused as well, if someone told me they were in love with me, seemed they were into me, yet has a wall around them at the same time. I too would be a little upset or hurt if my significant others parents came to town and I was not introduced to them. It seems like he has a lot of fear holding him back.

    I would just talk to him, without putting too much pressure on him. Ask him what he sees the both of you at..are you his girlfriend? What are you to him? Tell him you feel confused as to where you stand with him, does he just see you as a friend or someone with a possible future. Does he introduce you as “his girlfriend”? Has he done anything romantic? Has he introduced you to his friends? Tell him you felt dismissed and hurt you were not introduced to his parents. Its better to know now, than months down the road when feelings get stronger.

    #168444

    Lilly82
    Participant

    He did call me his girlfriend once, just sort of in passing.  I haven't met any of his friends or family yet, he has only met one friend of mine. Sometimes he will say something like ‘when you meet my sister, when you meet my mom etc.'

    He is very sweet, and affectionate, and is very vocal how he feels about me.  He is taking me away this weekend so he's thoughtful in those ways.  He has mentioned because of his past he's dealing with inner things, but always talks about the future with us, so I'm hopeful in that way….but he has also said he doesnt want to feel pressured.  So I don't know, I don't want to bring it up too much, but at the same time, I want to be honest with him how I'm feeling.

    #168486

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lilly82:

    I think you are unreasonably rushing the relationship because you are in a rush, suffering from anxiety, particularly  concerned with being 35 and wanting a family. Reads to me like he is a decent person, nothing to indicate otherwise. It is not his job to accommodate your anxiety by rushing himself. Neither is it a good idea for you to rush.

    I think it is fine for you “to be honest with him” and tell him what you think and how you feel, including your anxiety and concern with your age and wanting to start a family. You can share this honestly without pressuring him. As long as you share this in a calm voice, describing it as your issue, something that predates him (was there before you met him), has nothing to do with him, not for him to do anything about.

    Sharing your thoughts and feelings responsibly is very important in a loving relationship, a necessary ingredient. It is about how you share not what you share: share anything that is true to you .

    Regarding you telling him I-love-you and him not saying it yet, I wouldn't say it again because you feel uncomfortable about the words not being reciprocated. But these are just that, words. Isn't it admirable if he didn't say them because he takes them seriously, and he takes you seriously by being cautious this way? If so, you have a quality man which is something way.. way, way more of substance than a few words.

    I hope you post again, would like to communicate more on this thread.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #168522

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lilly,

    I think if he is taking you away for a weekend, and talking about future plans with you, (meeting his family, etc). It sounds like things are going very well. Just remember, you both haven't been together very long, so if you really like him, respect his wishes to take things slow, and don't put any pressure on him. Make him laugh, have a great time with him and concentrate on that and everything will come together.

    #169359

    Lilly82
    Participant

    So we went away last weekend and it was so amazing.  It just keeps getting better and better.  I finally got the L word too! I was pulling back on how much I say it because it was a bit uncomfortable with him not saying it back.  But when we were away I told him how much I loved him, and he said it back, and then said ‘I've loved you for a while but i've been scared to say it'.

    I'm so happy, and he has said it on his own a few times since.  I really do love him and I haven't really felt this way about a partner before and it's so amazing.

    However….I am still dealing with a bit of anxiety. I told my friends that he said he loves me, and their responses werent exactly what I was looking for.  They think it's really soon to be saying that, feeling that etc.  I'm trying not to listen to them because in the past I have taken their opinions so seriously, when I'm the one in the relationship not them.  It feels right so I'm going with it.

    That being said, part of me can't just ‘be happy', and trust things to continue to go so well.  It's almost like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He keeps reassuring me he's not going anywhere, etc.  I just love him so much I'm afraid for things to fall apart or to lose him.

    I'm starting to understand where all of this comes from (my dad left us when I was about 11), so I do have some abandonment issues.  I feel like I'm doing better understanding that, but wish it would just go away sometimes!

    #169361

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lilly82:

    I am so glad to read your account! How delightful!

    Notice about your anxiety, your fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop: he told you ” I’ve loved you for a while but i’ve been scared to say it”- this means he is afraid too, he is anxious too. You don't have to be alone with your fears and he doesn't have to be alone with his fears. You can help each other.

    anita

    #169403

    shelly
    Participant

    I am a single mom of three kids two currently living at home. I was married and a stay at home house wife for 17 years. Married 25 years. My husband was a white collar worker making six figures a year. I was married to a narcissistic and did not know it until we lost our 6 bedroom home, cars, 401 (k), etc…My husband lost his job after 15 years and became depressed. He found a job with another company and five days prior to our insurance kicking in, he detached his retina. Several surgeries later, he was unable to see out of his dominate eye. We ended up losing our home, money and ended up moving in with family in another state. I went back to work and my husband was home. He was very controlling and abusive verbally. When he became abusive to our kids, I asked him to leave. He was always putting me down and calling me names. It was long and very painful getting a divorce. I gained several pounds and lost my hair to stress. I was seeing a therapist and found out I suffered much abuse, both sexual and verbal. It took a while but I got back on my feet. Started working out and found a great job. I have been several dates and enjoyed myself but never attracted to my dates.   There was never any chemistry. I met a man three months ago and we hit it off. He is my age, professional, works out and loves life like me. We had a great weekend. He lives out-of-town so we have been communicating via social media, text and calls. We both have said how awesome it was we had so much in common and so into each other. On our second date, he confessed that he was tired of dating and ready to settle down. In my mind I thought that there was a real good chance we would date each other exclusively. When he went back home, there were several pictures of him on facebook with different women he called friends. This was okay with me as I have male friends and hang out with them from time to time. There was one girl in particular he was always with. When I asked him if she was a girlfriend, he said no. They were dating but nothing exclusive. I was told she was in love with him and would do anything to have a relationship with him. I know that they have slept together. On a couple of occasions I was supposed to come to his town for a visit. Both times there was a good reason I couldn’t. When I would look on facebook, the things he and I were to be doing, he was doing with her. I finally told him I didn’t want to see him anymore because it was too hard seeing him with someone else that I know he is sleeping with. He assured me that she was not girlfriend material and they were just friends. I stayed strong and told him I wasn’t interested. Deep down inside I had started to have feelings for him. After a few weeks, he texted me and told me he missed talking with me. I told him I had missed talking with him also. I was open and honest with him and told him I had feelings and didn’t want him to break my heart. It wasn’t much longer after that he posted another facebook status that he was with her. She posted a picture of them.I really fell for him and believed in him. We haven’t known each other that long but I have fallen for him. Since the picture was posted, I haven’t talked with him. He reached out to me to see if we were still friends. I don’t know how to respond. I really like him and would love to have a relationship with him. But, I have been through too much to have someone treat me like a second class citizen. Is there hope for this relationship or should I move on?

    #169437

    anita
    Participant

    * Dear shelly: will you start your own thread? If you copy your above post, then click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY, click on your chosen category, scroll down the page to the empty box and paste your above post there, it will be your own thread, you will be the original poster there, and I will respond to you there.

    anita

    #169463

    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Lilly,

    What Anita said, “Isn’t it admirable if he didn’t say them because he takes them seriously, and he takes you seriously by being cautious this way? If so, you have a quality man which is something way.. way, way more of substance than a few words.” is solid gold. It can't be said any better than that, IMHO.

    You said, “So we went away last weekend and it was so amazing.  It just keeps getting better and better.  I finally got the L word too! I was pulling back on how much I say it because it was a bit uncomfortable with him not saying it back.  But when we were away I told him how much I loved him, and he said it back, and then said ‘I’ve loved you for a while but i’ve been scared to say it’.I’m so happy, and he has said it on his own a few times since.  I really do love him and I haven’t really felt this way about a partner before and it’s so amazing.”  This is what you have been looking for. It is what you deserve. When you said, “… I told my friends that he said he loves me, and their responses werent exactly what I was looking for.” Their responses may not have been what you were looking for, but please remember what they told you was their opinion. What matters in your search for a lasting and loving relationship is what you think. Allow people their opinions as just being that, opinions. It is exciting to share what you deserve. I don't think that opinions such as your friend's are what validates the excitement in the quality of what you have found. What validates your relationship is you, your heart, and acceptance of allowing your new relationship to evolve into a happy and loving life together. Your “abandonment issues” are legit as well. I recently read something on this site that I think is pretty cool…”Your past was a lesson, not a life sentence.” I read this perhaps 2 days ago and those words helped me let go of some bad memories. How powerful, to have those words affect me so positively in such a short time. Reflect on your weekend together then think of how the opinions of your friend's and how they made you feel and you will know which is more important to you. Embrace your new found love with an open heart and soul and watch it grow. Isn't that exciting?

    Pearce

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