Dear Jesss:

You are welcome. In my last post to you, I wrote: “He needs a woman who is calm, emotionally stable, reliable, predictable. I don’t believe you are these things.”

You answered: “But why u say i am not calm? Is it because I expressed my pain to him about the break up? Is it because i expressed once in 8 month to give me time in an event other than his children. I never complained about his kids or his time with him”-

Yes, it is the reason. It may very well be that for 8 months you were most calm and patient with him, an angel, a saint of sorts. But all hell broke loose after 8 months as you posted in your original post:

“I got pissed off that he refuse to go out to party one night… I then got pissed off and send him while angry that i was seeing it coming and he doesn’t love me and i was a rebound…(that he was) taking me for granted and not making effort.. he never bought me any thing not even a flower…. He then asked to meet… I wrote him a letter. Sooo emotional stating what was bothering me… i couldnt hold my tears and sadness and anger. I started to cry and getting alll what was on my chest since the break started. I blamed him… He was so cold and said he is upset that i am upset like that. I raised my voice while crying… I told him i cant believe how he became so cold and selfish…Then after i got everything out my chest i calmed down…”

All these emotions didn’t happen AFTER 8 months, but during those eight months. Things bothered you, a lot, but you kept them in, practicing self discipline, not expressing any of these strong dissatisfaction, strong anger at him. And then all-hell-broke-loose, all that dissatisfaction, all that anger exploded out of you. This is very much the behavior characterized in the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis.

You wrote at the beginning of your original post: “….I never been comfortable or secured with anyone before… But i started to feel bit insecure and worried…” At 38, you “never been comfortable or secured with” any man. Then you felt uncomfortable and insecure with this man as well.

Some characteristics of BPD is difficulty regulating emotions, impulsivity, outbursts of anger, taking a long time to return to a stable emotional baseline after an angry explosion.

In summary: it is not good for him or for his children to have another woman in their lives who suffers from some of the features of BPD. And it is, I believe, in your best interest to enter competent psychotherapy so to function better in relationships.

anita

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Dear Jesss:

You got angry with him because he didn’t take you out to celebrate Valentine Day, that was before he suggested a break. After you got angry at him then he told you he wanted a break. Following that, you got angrier at him and you told him (or wrote to him) that you saw it coming, that he doesn’t love you, that you were a rebound, that he took you for granted, that he didn’t make an effort, that he never bought you a thing, not even a flower. Next he wanted to meet you but you refused, again and again.

Finally you did meet with him and sometime during that meeting you raised your voice and cried and told him he is cold and selfish and  he should remember the promised he made and the passion that was etc.

This is a lot of drama (excessive expression of anger that is ineffective, distressing to the recipient without the possibility of conflict resolution/ positive outcome) on your part. Now, he was freshly out of a marriage with a woman diagnosed with BPD. He has children that are now living with a BPD mother and he is tormented by not protecting his children from their BPD mother, being worried about them. In these circumstances, do you think he needs MORE drama with a new woman?

It is okay for you to expect to be taken out on Valentine, absolutely. It is reasonable for you to expect the man in your life to spend more time with you, to be more attentive, to buy you a flower- it is okay to want these things, but not from him, not considering his situation. And then, it is not okay to give him hell so to add to his distress.

This is why I don’t think it is a good idea for you to get back with him.

anita

* Dear Mia: in any one thread, I believe, those who reply should reply to the Original Poster (OP) and not to other respondents. If you’d like to start your own thread, on the topic of your very post above, please do and I will respond there.

anita

Dear Jesss:

I re-read all your posts on this thread (only your posts, not my/others’ replies). I read very slowly in effort to understand better and try to be helpful to you. I will make this reply as gentle to you as I possibly can. Again, my purpose is to be helpful to you, and by being helpful to you, and possibly, through you,  to be helpful to him and to his children (in only a tiny, tiny bit).

Through my reading of all of your detailed sharing, he reads like a decent, honest, loving man. I found nothing dishonest or selfish about his behavior. Clearly he felt strongly about you, but it is your behavior that turned him away from you.

You accused him of being selfish, cold and pushing you away, while it is you who were selfish, and it was you who pushed him away. You accused him of hurting you while it was you who hurt him with your harsh words and uncontrolled angry behavior.

You suggested that he deceived you because he pursued you too soon even though you suggested waiting- but that was not deceit. He was emotionally very shaky and needy of support and he found it in you, so he pursued that support. He was honest with you throughout. Forgive him for being human, for needing you. He did not deceive you.

You wrote that you want to win him back. First, please consider if it is at all a good idea for you. If you did win him back, life with him in your life will not be easy. Are you ABLE to be involved long term with a newly divorced man with minor children, a man so troubled by not living with his children? That means he will not be as available to you as you need a man to be; that means you will have to ask less of him and give more, be understanding and less demanding. Are you able and willing to be that woman to him?

To be with him, you will have to change the dynamics of your anger. Instead of bottling things inside and then exploding and bringing up things that you kept inside over time (ex., how he didn’t buy you anything to show he cares), you will need to be assertive on an ongoing basis. You will need to take care of yourself on an ongoing basis. You have needs and wants, you will need to let him know in a RESPECTFUL way, what you need AT THE TIME you need it. And be reasonable about what those things are.

The communication you had with him was not as good as you think it was because you were not assertive with him.

If you win him back by acting as patient as possible, but then, a few months later, you explode again, that will be so very wrong: you will be harming him and by harming him, you will be harming his children. You have a responsibility to not do that.

And you have a responsibility to yourself. Any relationship, to be a healthy relationship, needs to be a Win-Win relationship. Make it a win-win kindly, respectfully, responsibly.

anita

Dear Jesss:

You are thinking of apologizing to him- you can post next your apology, imagining you are talking to him, what will you say?

Once you post it, if you will, I will let you know what I think of your apology.

* Why are you thinking of apologizing to him after asking him to tell you about his last business trip (and not before)?

anita

Dear Jesss:

Regarding apologizing to him, I recommend that you don’t use the word Might, as in “about anything I MIGHT  have done that bothered him”, or If, as in “apologize IF i said..”- apologize for what you definitely did and definitely said. When you use the word “might” and “if”- that means that maybe you did say and do offensive things and… maybe not. It makes the apology weak and iffy. You can say something like: I realize I used harsh words, and accusations against you. I was wrong for using those words and for making accusations against you. I regret it”- that would be effective apology.

Regarding reminding him that he said you are his destiny- not a good idea (unless you are trying to make him feel guilty and under pressure)- because people say things that are true for them at the moment but they are allowed to change their minds. When he said you are his destiny, it was not a legal contract, something you can take him to court for, so don’t mention it.

Regarding his kids- I would say it is too soon to address them in the first post break meeting.

* And remember, the words and behaviors you apologize for, do not repeat those later. Not repeating the behaviors that you apologize for is the most important part of apologizing.

Post again, anytime.

anita