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Healing Confusing friendship- worth it?

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Phyllis 9 months ago.

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  • #139929

    Phyllis
    Participant

    very long story short, I had an incredibly intense, deeply emotional connection with someone. We became fast friends and always had this level of intimacy and romantic energy. For quite some time, I believed that the romantic energy was one sided, and wanted the friendship enough to accept that, but there were these extended moments of blurred lines (prolonged eye contact, lots of touching, jealousy, etc) that my friend was giving me that made me question if they had feelings for.

    Anyway, I never asked and they were “hooking up” with women during our friendship. There was, however, a drunken night in which physical boundaries were crossed and then I was told they only had platonic feelings and didn’t have any sexual or romantic feelings for me. They started having this entire relationship behind my back so I felt uncomfortable and cut ties with them.

    Several months later, we get in contact and they express how hurt they were, so they are romantically attracted to me and miss me, etc (they are living with the woman they were hiding from me). I still ask for space and apologize. A couple of months later we talk again and they tell me they are polyamorous and they are in love with me. I am really shocked by this and it turns into an argument.

    I love this person still, so much, and feel very connected to them, but I am not poly and will never be comfortable with that. I do, however, want us to be friends, but now that they apparently love me too, it’s even more complicated. I don’t want to fight though and I was wondering if I should see them one last time.

    I had our last conversation and argument via text. I called and text the next day trying to make amends and they have never responded.

    I feel stupid, honestly, for not just moving on but I’m actually moving away and will probably never see them again and want to give it one last chance to say goodbye.

    Thoughts?

     

     

    #139993

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Phyllis:

    When you used the pronoun “they”, you meant HE, as one person, correct?

    If it is a he, then he is moving away and you will not see him again. You are asking if you should meet with him one last time to say goodbye-

    If you do, I would suggest to meet him in a casual public place, during the day, like a coffee shop, for a set amount of time, (not in his place, not at night, not for unlimited amount of time, etc.)

    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by  anita.
    #140021

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Phyllis,

    If I’m reading this correctly, I love how he had no romantic feelings towards you.. and then suddenly once he is in a poly relationship THEY love you! Again, if I’m reading this correctly (please clarify if I’m not!) it’s like they had a meeting and YOU (lucky girl!) were chosen. Because how boring is it to be in a poly relationship when you look like any other monogamous couple.

    But believe me, THEY will be the Primary Relationship.

    Tell him he’s not a sultan living in the ancient world. So you will not be part of his harem.

    As long as you’re moving, move on.

    Best,

    Inky

    #140047

    Phyllis
    Participant

    Sorry, they is entirely singular. One person. Their partner has no interest in me and I don’t believe their partner is poly

    #140049

    Phyllis
    Participant

    Also, I’m moving away, not him.

    #140051

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Phyllis:

    According to the title of your thread, you are considering healing this friendship, but how can you possibly heal it if at the most you will see him one last time? And for what purpose?

    anita

    #140053

    anita
    Participant

    .. didn’t record

    #140059

    Phyllis
    Participant

    More so closure. I also have a hard time letting love end negatively.

    #140063

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Phyllis:

    I just re-read your original thread and it seems to me that you are having a difficulty knowing when you are loved and when you are not. When the guy told you that he loved you, you were shocked and an argument followed. It is as if you believed him and didn’t believe him at the same time.

    You wrote in your last post that you have a hard time letting love- if you can’t identify it as love, confidently enough, how can you let it in…?

    anita

    #140081

    Phyllis
    Participant

    I meant letting someone I love go in a negative way. It’s something I’ve always done, just cut people off and never look back but it’s left me feeling regret for having done so and struggling with forgiveness for others.

    I was shocked by the admission of love because:

    1. They told me they were not attracted to me romantically or sexually. So they were going back on what they said previously.

    2. They’re in a very public, seemingly monogamous relationship that’s been going on for months

    3. I felt that they loved me as a friend, but not as a romantic interest because of their involvement with other women, their denial of how they felt, and because they are with someone they claim to love

    I honestly just want us to be friends once we individually grow up a bit more. Distance has happened beforehand and circumstances and mutual friends continually bring us back in contact again and at the very least I don’t want awkward tension.

    Is that unreasonable? I can’t always think straight when I’m emotional, but I feel that ending a relationship with an argument is not good for anyone, even though it happens all the time…but idk.

    #140311

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Phyllis:

    The pattern of cutting people off and never looking back is probably about you not wanting to be hurt by people.

    Your thinking about this person, the #1, 2 and 3 that you listed above reads to me like very reasonable thinking. If you were emotional when you listed these, your logic was excellent nonetheless.

    Back to the pattern above: just because you exhibited this pattern does not mean that you should never cut people off, that you should endure every distressing relationship just so to continue the relationship. Some relationships are best terminated. Regarding this man, I suggested that if you do meet him, that you meet him during the day in a public place and in a casual setting so that you will be less likely to… get physically involved with him and then regret it. As long as you protect yourself from acts you will later regret, then meeting with him is not unreasonable.

    anita

    #140315

    Phyllis
    Participant

    I can definitely refrain from any physical interaction. Our drunkenness was one time and wasn’t sex, just sexual. They weren’t involved with anyone at the time.

    I appreciate your feedback!!

    #140325

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Phyllis. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #140329

    Anonymous

    Phyllis,

    Hope you are doing O.k.

    I can assure you it is simply not worth it, seems like a person who is not honest, you know honesty and loyalty are the most important thing at a relation: call it friendship, relationship even with family.

    Don’t waste yourself overthinking something that is not good for you, keep going, focus on yourself, trust your heart only if there is a person who would value and take care of it.

    There is no rush, enjoy yourself, enjoy your own company and the company of the ones who love.

    Blessings!

    #140339

    Phyllis
    Participant

    I hear you on that. To be fair, we both could have handled things better during our friendship. I wasn’t always the most honest or rational. There was the very beginning of our friendship when people would often point out our flirty behavior and I would say we were just friends. That was something he brought up, saying he didn’t think I had feelings for him because of that and I never said how I felt and idk if me restraint felt like rejection.

    When he started hooking up and dating, it was halfway through our friendship. I felt he was still healing from a previous relationship of several years and I didn’t want to be involved or hooked up with. This was hard because I cared so deeply about him already, so I traveled and created physical distance, but he would call and text and when I got home, we were inseparable until that drunken incident.

    He distanced himself from me and I asked him to talk to me about it and he told me he wanted friendship and didn’t know how to be so close to someone without having feelings, but then said he wasn’t romantically or sexually attracted to me and we were platonic. I simply agreed to avoid any more awkwardness but we still didn’t talk for a bit and when we did talk, we were always up and down until I finally just cut him off.

    It’s very complicated. I have taken a lot of time to myself and I am still holding onto that freedom and loved ones. I don’t know if anything will ever heal this, but I just wanted to know I really tried to salvage the future relationship. Maybe I’ll just wait it out and see what time does, but I’m not “waiting” for him or anything, rest assured.

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