Dear gamer:

As to my “Nothing is happening” theme of the recent posts, I still think that nothing is happening. I will elaborate on it more and I will respond to everything you brought up in your recent post.

You wrote early on: “he met my friends and family”- when I read that early on, I thought that he met your parents as your boyfriend, that the relationship was official in the context of your family. Only later I found out that he met your family one time as your brother’s friend and guest, not at all as your friend or boyfriend, and that the relationship between the two of you was a secret, kept as a secret from your parents and from his, because the two of you believe that your respective parents will not approve of a relationship. This means that if your parents or his find out about it, they may demand that it will be terminated. And because each one of you is only 20, living with and dependent on parents, it makes the relationship between you and him fragile.

In your recent post you wrote: “I have  to correct something. Although the relationship is kept a secret, we did spend a lot of time together. We were together for almost 2 years.. we went out a lot”-

– On May 3, you wrote: “I (20) have been with my bf (20) for a year and 8 months.. we haven’t seen each other in 2.5 months”- that makes it less than a year and a half of spending time together, not two years.

Now, I wonder what spending “a lot of time together” means. I don’t know if it really is a lot of time, or more of a time that felt like a lot, to you. If you went out a lot, it wasn’t anywhere where someone could see you and him and tell your parents (or his) that you were out together.

At 20 you are only a few months removed from being a teenager. Teenage girls are often (although not all)  highly emotional: overly reactive to minor events, exaggerating,  making a mountain out of a molehill.

“He was my everything”, “We fell madly in love and have the same goals, aspirations and values”- that’s an emotional exaggeration. He was not your everything. It just felt that way. If he was your everything you would have been living with him, the two of you working and putting your money together, so to accomplish those same goals and aspirations that you mentioned. Instead, the two of you live separately: you live with your family, he lives with his family. Your finances and his finances are separate. So practically, he is far from being your everything.

I am stating all this in an effort to lead you to wake up and look at your life practically and objectively, not strictly emotionally. Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is.

“Last night he texted me saying his dad was sick and asked if I can pray for him”- his dad is part of his family unit, that’s his practical “everything”.

“We both have come to agreement that he is confused. And I cannot expect clarity from someone who is confused”- correct. I will add to it that the two of you are 20, not living independently, and not living with each other, but with your respective parents. Both have kept this relationship a secret from your parents for fear of their disapproval. This situation is not congruent with clarity in his mind or in yours: at any time during the 1.5 years of seeing him, if your parents found out about it, what would you have done; did the two of you discussed it, did you have a practical, detailed plan? If you didn’t, there was no clarity on either one’s mind.

“but why is he contacting me.. about his family? And then begin to apologizing..?”- my answer: it doesn’t really matter. If you knew the answer, what difference will it make to your life; will your life be any different if you knew the answer?

“As much as I want to ignore it and let it go, it’s hard because I’m trying to move forward and let go of this confusion, but at the same time, I feel like my progress diminishes whenever he texts me. I feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions and it just makes me all confused”- this young man, only a year removed from being a teenager, is not a powerful entity in your life outside your emotions. What he thinks and feels and why he says this or that makes no practical difference in your life.

He has many thousands of thoughts in his brain every day, just like anyone else, and each one of his thoughts does not carry the weight that you think it does. Thoughts come and go, like feelings, they appear and disappear. Don’t hang on to every word he says as if it was a rock. It is only a word, one word among many trillions of words that uttered at that moment in the world.

“He told his friend he wanted to focus on work and school and be alone right now.. but why is he messaging me?.. What do you think?”- I think that he messaged you because a feeling happened and a thought occurred to him to message you. A feeling, a thought, that is all. There are thousands of thoughts he had since then.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .

Dear gamer:

Thank you for expressing to me that what I wrote hurt your feelings (“It hurts when you say this: ‘Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is“). I appreciate your honesty.

But the sentence I wrote (in the parenthesis right above) is true, and the reason I am repeating it here is to help you, not to hurt you. It is unpleasant for you to read this sentence and take it in, but it’s good for you if you reread it and take it  in. It is similar to taking a medicine that tastes badly: it will make you healthier!

Let’s look therefore at this sentence: objectively, as is, he is not a significant part of your life. Even the dating that you mentioned is gone. There is nothing left but an occasional social media communication at the most, where nothing new is communicated (new words perhaps, new combination of words, but no new message!)

I want you to focus on the practical aspects of your life and let go of the obsession and rumination over what he may be thinking, what he may be feelings.. it has no practical value to you. The relationship that was- is no more. Aim at moving on and away from him. Maybe in the future the relationship will resume or start again. But for now, for weeks and months (or longer) to come, let it go and make your life.. make sense: study, learn new skills, read.. grow instead of stagnating in obsession and rumination.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear gamer:

It has been three weeks, welcome back!

Shortly before he broke up with you he told you that he sees a future with you, that he loved you, and couldn’t wait to be with you. Then he broke up with you May 17, telling you that the reason for the break up is that he “wanted to figure things out”, wanted to be a better man for you, suggesting therefore that the breakup may not be permanent.

Two days later, May 19, he messaged another girl, and sometime later, he sent you a text telling you that he messaged another girl two days after breaking up with you, telling you that he “messed up really bad and can’t take it back”. Next, he blocked you on all social media, and you haven’t talked since.

You asked me: “what do you think of all this..?”- I am back to thinking that he is a little crazy, like I wrote to you before. It reads like crazy behavior to break up with you and then call you to tell you that after he broke up with you, he messaged another girl and then say that he messed up and can’t take it back and then block you. A sane behavior would have been to not tell you that he messaged another girl, why bother telling you something that you don’t need to know;,why call you and disturb you like this???

Maybe he is having a really difficult time living with his mother, like he told you. And he is .. a bit crazy. Which makes it a good idea to be blocked and have no contact with him!

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear gamer:

I see. So the girl that he sent a message to, told you about it, you then contacted him and he lied to you for a month, saying that he didn’t message her. But why didn’t the girl that told you that he messaged her show you his message on her phone?

anita

Dear gamer:

“She showed me everything of what they were talking about”- what were they talking about?? What was in the messages he sent her?

anita