Hello,

First of all: Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it a lot. <3

I am in a difficult situation and I am reaching out because I can’t talk properly about it without bursting out into tears.
Him (31) and me (33) were 24/7 non stop talking and we started as friends, 9 months ago. We had banter, laughs, we think about a lot of things te same, could/can talk about anything and everything, not once had a fight or disagreement. When the elephant fucked out of the room, and we both had to admit we liked each other a lot more than just friends, and this was after 4/5 months non stop talking , we decided to meet up and see what it was between us. ( he lives in Ireland and I live in Holland.) From the moment we saw each other it was like we known each other for years, never once felt awkward or weird. Original plan was that he stayed for 1/2 days but ended up staying for 8. We kissed the day after, even tho he slept in my bed that first night. Nothing happened, we just cuddled into each other and went to sleep. We havent forced anything, all came natural. He’s the most kind person I ever have encountered with. He’s sweet, generous, responsible, genuine and caring, hard worker and most off all extremely Funny! He came over the month after, because he missed me to much to wait for Christmas plus wanted to make us official.. face to face, the traditional way. We had, again, an amazing time. He stayed for 10 days , he told me he wanted a future with me and he sometimes stared at me like I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He even says he’s never been so attracted to anyone as he is to me. He calls what we have intimate, something he hasn’t experienced before as well. We had the best fun, oh boy he can make me belly laugh, so hard! He is really my best friend & I know he feels the same about me. I genuinely never felt like this for anybody in my life. Nobody is perfect but he comes close. I’ve never been treated with so much respect, love and understanding as he did. Online or when we were together, it doesn’t matter. I know you’re thinking: Then why are you opening this topic? Its because of this:

The day before he left the last time, which is 2 months ago, he got a call from his mom. And I could hear her cry,thinking of that cry makes me tear up again. She told him that his brother in law died in a motorbike accident that day. From that day, everything was a bit different, which I understand. He went back to Ireland and he became distant, the accident was maybe an accident at first. But his/brother in law friends drove away when it happened, they left his brother in law on the side road, because they’re driving on bikes with no insurance. Ambulance got there way too late and his brother in law died soon after they arrived at the hospital. It’s a criminal investigation now. He feels like he had to carry the burden for his family, since he’s been brought up to not cry and be there for others. Financially and emotionally. His mom and dad and sisters really rely on him, if they ask something he will do it. He said in that period that he wasn’t sure if he would be here for Christmas, because he might be needed at home. I got a bit upset by that but I understood. We almost broke up the week after because he felt like he was letting me down. We came to the conclusion that we don’t want to end this and he started to become his funny old self again. He ordered presents for Christmas and was making plans with me, he also bought plane tickets for 20th december till 5th January, to come over an visit me for 16 days straight. He told me often that he couldn’t wait to see me and how worth I was waiting for. How much he is in love with me and how eager he is to have me in his life, and come home to me every night after work.

He ordered Christmas socks with our names on it. I was so looking forward to see him again! Then.. 4th december, he told me his mom, who has overwon cancer 6 years ago, got sick again. Its in her breast this time and she gets surgery 2th of January. I was heartbroken for him. I lost mine 7 years ago so I know what he is going through at the moment. Because his dad is self employed, his mom doesn’t get benefits from the government. And that’s why he took a task from his current job to go out and work in Dublin, which is a 2 hr drive from his house.  He now will work 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week,  just to financially support his parents. Since the news, which hit him hard, he was emotionally not available anymore and I felt like I lost him. And he admits he doesn’t feel like himself and never experienced this feel in his life. I told him to stay there for the holidays, I did not say this.. but you never know if it’s her last Christmas.. He still wanted to come over for a few days because he already had the tickets, but got into a row with his dad. Who demanded him to stay in Ireland because it would cause his mom stress if he wasn’t at home and to help them out in and around the house. He was shattered, but obeys his dads wishes. So he broke up with me last week, because of the distance and everything that’s going on atm. He’s the man of the house now, his own words. En people rely on him, he can’t fail them. And he can’t give me the attention and time he wished you could give me. He said he knows that he will never ever find ‘this’ again with someone else but he sees no option other than be there for his family. We still chat every day, one day he’s hot and the other day he’s cold. The plan was for me to move to Ireland eventually so we could be together. He said jokey ‘ I probably gonna regret this and bring you a serenade underneath the balcony to beg you to take me back’. And that he misses- and loves me.. And that meant every word of all he ever said to me. But at the same time he thinks I don’t deserve the way he treated me the last few weeks. To be fair, I didn’t recognize him anymore but I understand there is a lot to deal with over there. He apologizes a lot too..Because he said he failed me and that he hurts me. And he’s right, it’s breaking my heart because we were such a good team and I really miss him, us. It’s rare to find someone as alike as yourself. I said he could talk to me about whatever but he said he’s not the type of person to lean on others, people lean on him and that’s it. I asked if it was better to let go and move on, and he said he didn’t want. His heart doesn’t want to let go of us. And misses what we have.

I am in tears writing this, but it feels good to just … let it all out. Should I wait for him until the storm has passed by and try to be there when ever he needs me or should I break ties and move on? It’s so hard. So extremely hard because I miss him. I truly truly miss him. His dorky comments, his kind and loving words, his way to always make me laugh and the bond we had. We sometimes called for 8/9 hrs straight or video call for even longer, doing fuck all. Never ran out of conversation, not once. I miss that, I miss us. But I know he has to battle his own war and can’t be for me he wished he could be, blaming him for the situation he isn’t even responsible for. Please, tell me what to do, please.

Love xoxo