sounds so much like me! maybe you are trying to hold on to the great feelings he gives you because it fills a hole inside. Mine use to (still does) say that I’m not good enough, I have to hold on to this thing/person to feel like i’m worthy, it’s that feeling of being attached to something and you have to have it or your world will be crushed even if that person is good/bad/don’t know them very well. I think your mind sometimes creates illusions and you dream up all the things that will make you happy if you just get them, I think when theres emptiness inside people attach themselves to things & those things like love, drugs, alcohol, smoking, partying etc they dive into what makes them feel good to temporarily fill that empty space. I know that’s pretty deep! lol but I think that could be the reality of the situation unless it is really love at first sight ;).

When something makes you feel good you want as much of it as you can get, in my opinion things get obsessive when you are trying to cover up pain, or when you are trying to prove yourself to people because deep down you feel like your not worth it and you need to feel accepted & validated.. it would be a good idea to just chat to someone like a therapist to explore it deeper because I know from experience with guys and dating that it can be really frustrating and for me it just got worse until I explored the issue and if I was dating now I would still be struggling

hope ive made sense and something here helps you 🙂

good luck x

Florence,

In addition to E and Kirty’s observations, a few ideas came to heart as I read your words. I’m sorry you’re feeling a lot of tension between your self and the unknown future, it can be fairly chaotic to say the least! You don’t sound crazy to me, you sound like a romantic. 🙂

When you said you feel like he holds the keys to your heaven, it reminded me of a song lyric by Alanis Morissette “this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights.” Its wonderful and beautiful that you see his sparkly-ness, and wish to spend more time together. The challenge seems to be with the dissatisfaction/craving that has come up.

To me, it seems like your dream is very powerful for you! Our hearts yearn for connection, and that yearning is a noticeable momentum that pulls us forward on the path of love. Said differently, it seems like your heart really wants a partner to share the bounty you have inside, and as you look at the new man in the silence of waiting, you are very directly experiencing that want.

When I have felt that feeling, I turned it toward nesting, cleaning up the inside and outside as I prepared for the new journey. Trim and straighten, dust and mop, sort and settle (metaphorically and physically). This prepares us for the next moment, because even though how he is feeling is unknown, we give it the best chance to grow when we make space in the temple, so to speak. If he doesn’t wish to join you in your sacred heart, then perhaps he was just a muse for growth. If he does, then you’ll have done your best to give the buddhing flower space to blossom.

Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt