I am going to try to respond without feeling like I am sticking up or making excuses for anything. Just providing more clarity.

I know I distributed quite a lot of information to you all at once. It is what has stretched over the past 10 or so months of our relationship.

With that being said I find the things to be more sporadic than persistent. Like of those 7-8 things the vast majority occurred before my breakthroughs with you and probably only 1-2 are things that still catch my attention now. But mostly I ignore him…

He doesn’t check my phone everyday. Its been probably 3 times, he doesn’t hide it from me or anything. I actually look at his phone more than vice-versa.

He doesn’t make me feel like I should be alarmed. This triggered my anxiety a little because I had to question my sanity momentarily. I am never afraid of what he will do, or anything like that.

Even with the Hunt situation, I never felt afraid. Worst case scenario with him I have always felt was he would just leave and I would never see him again. Truthfully. That’s the thing that lingers in the background with him. Not “oh he might do something to me”..more like “he may leave and I never see or talk to him again”

The least thing I ever feel from his is threat…never

Also my “guilt” in his eyes. Sometimes I think he is more afraid to be wrong about who he thinks I am than anything.

btw: definitely talk me out of this crap. I’m just talking about alternate perceptions now.

Sometimes I think he is scared…scared that he loves me and is wasting his time. I understand it slightly cuz we both know I am a little fickle but like 1-10, 10 being the highest I would say he is at 5/6 of not trusting me. I can tolerate the actions of about a 3/4.

That’s only because of what I went through with John. So I understand what goes on in his head sometimes I relate and I empathize. He doesn’t directly accuse me of things though. But I almost can wrap my messed up head around the idea of kind of checking for yourself to see if the person you care about is really for you. I did it. I didn’t tell John but I did it. But it was after he gave me small reasons to start to question his trust.

I am not perfect nor have I been perfect whilst being in this relationship. There were times I was deceptive about where I was and what I was doing…before we were officially together yes. But I did. I think he felt that coupled with how we originally started dating and the  Hunt thing. Sometimes I just feel like he is “checking his investment.” for lack of a better phrase. But its my exact reasoning I have when I scan thru his phone every once in a while. I KNOW he isn’t doing anything but let me just see. Just to make sure. That’s what I say to him.

But he has never given me a reason to not trust what he does…

I think he’s just a hypocrite really and a brat. Used to getting what he wants. He was a only child at the beginning of his life till almost 10 I think. Me and his mom talked about him once, kind of like he is just really hard to please sometimes and once his mind is set…THEY are really alike. I have noticed from getting to know her and hearing her talk about other things and people in the same way he does.

Like I said I am not trying to say anything that’s has been done is ok. But since I gave that side I almost feel the need to give the side he would if he was talking too. and the part of me that loves him and sees the best in him….

But what you said really has my mind consumed.

Okay. I re-read all 3 of your shares to bring it all together for me again. I am exhausted (I started a baking business, trying to do something for myself 🙂 ). Once again my responses are all based on providing the full picture to the best of my ability not sticking up or making excuses *if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck*…(Side note: I would like to feel like this would be easier if I was speaking in person. But then again words are words so.)

As far as devices overall he does not look at them without me knowing. He does it in front of my face. I have my phone with me 95% of the time. Him looking is something I can count on one hand in a year, total. I actually am the one who looks at his phone without him knowing…(oops) but yea as far as him he does it while I am around. He does however over exaggerate the things..

But yes, I am confident in the fact that I am not in any danger. He doesn’t touch people, but especially women. Someone would have to punch him in the face for him to hit another person. He is a real stickler for personal space and boundaries especially with women. He doesn’t really even like it when I stand close to him in arguments.

I have looked him up in detail tho. I do that with all the guys I date after I really dated someone who lied about who they actually were. The guy ‘who forgot my birthday’ lied about his real name. (You don’t even have time for how I found that out. Three words: ON THE NEWS) But back to the point; according to our city records he is a regular 28yr old male who used to get a lot of speeding tickets and has resided here his whole life. Other than that, no type of charges associated with any weird business.

Bathing suit, I never asked him about it. I honestly do not think I could have any reason for it to have ended up there. But I didn’t ask him. so still…*DUCK* (unless I ask)

Showers, I don’t think he counts my showers as much as he notices things that are out of routine for me. He is on details like things regular people just don’t think about. Like taking 2 showers. I shower once a day or every other day. He actually takes 1-3 showers  a day so I used to think that’s why he paid attention. But its not something he says everyday. Its probably happened 2 times. So I don’t know; that one may just be something I may take a little out of context. He really may just generally be inquiring. But I am a defensive person, its my first reaction to everything to defend myself.

The waking up thing; with that his rationale was (because he actually stated why), he said “Because I was sleep and had a dream about _____ and something you had told me & it just woke me up out of my sleep.” Could he have wait till the morning? Yeah..so *QUACK*

But to your big 3 list:

1. Yes the first part is what I collect from what he has said to me about it. I don’t know if that is his true intentions however because I haven’t ever discussed it with him.

The ending is truthfully an assumption of mine. I just feel like what he is asking me is just ironic because I actually would be home and he would be saying like “oh are you home yet?” But it would be 30-1hr before I would actually have gotten off but I left early. He was working then though and I go to work at a different time every day (a range of 2 1/2hrs) that happened maybe twice.

2. I would find it weird!, like why not just pull up? Still slightly a assumption on my part; because I never asked he may say he didn’t even get there till those times because he was working then too. The first time I did know he was needing to be downtown and when it would be; because he had to get to the court house before it closed and I worked downtown but he didn’t. But his mom lives downtown so he is in that area multiple times a week because he does stuff for her a lot. But I got off different times everyday then too.

3. The locks on the door. That caught my attention just because I didn’t understand why even mention it. Like he had neverrr said anything like that before. To me I almost wanted to be like “Did you hear what you just said? Like to a regular person who doesn’t care or pay attention to every detail; do you know that sounds weird!” I think he said something though because like I had told you I didn’t leave the house all day because I was baking 6 dozen cupcakes and in the midst of that I asked him to bring me like 5 things (food, beer, cupcake liners, water, something else too). So now thinking about that, this is the only one I want to say I am probably wrong because I think he just was thinking “Why were you telling me to get you stuff if you went somewhere?”

Those first 2 are important things though. Admittingly I don’t like feeling like someone feels they have to check up on me. Do you think I should bring it up? Considering as I said I don’t think I am in any danger, confidently. Maybe I should tell him how those grouping of actions make me feel, coupled with what he says. “You make me feel more watched than watched over sometimes.”

Last quote…”they say when you hear hooves think horse…not zebra.” (I.E don’t over complicate things)

So I am not trying to manifest a Zebra. I just want to say it all because I woke up quite distressed about this today. Among a few other stressors. He really has been amazing these past months. Other than a hiccup or so. Even yesterday and over the weekend he was just so attentive and kind and sweet knowing all that I had to get done. So I have to do devils advocate and give some perspective other than my take.

As I am sure you know by now that is just who I am. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I feel like holding stuff in is so draining and I really haven’t ever even expressed this aloud or through my words on a computer. I need to get it off my chest in order to process it with full detail. In my head I only toss around my perspective but being forced to type and read words about the context of what I felt I just wanted to stop having to think about it in the back of my head. Like in a state of self denial. That’s how I felt not saying it.

I will be awaiting your reply.

Mark,

We did get into that originally.

Kind of came to the conclusion that ..No I don’t think I am still in love with him. But maybe just idealizing the nostalgia of our relationship (as if that’s all there was) when I was conflicting with my current partner.

Yeah basically that.

It was unhealthy in the beginning. We both admitted to that. In 2 fold responsibility.

Now, I was feeling like things were really changing. I’m wondering based on the response, does that matter.

Has too much happened…

Yes, The lease is over on April 13 actually. & Correct to the end part too. Setting my taxes aside just incase I need that money.

Yes I have talked to them:

“N” overall thinks we are good together. She knows how he gets sometimes cuz she was actually my roommate for a year and a half. So when me and him started dating so they were around each other a lot. She has also witnessed every relationship I have been in including in depth John because we lived together during that too.

“L” is my friend that knows the most stuff about me and my complex feelings in the kind of the way I talk to you. She thinks he overreacts to things that don’t matter. But she says she cant say much because that’s how she is. They are REALLY alike its weird. She said she thinks I care about him more than anyone else she has seen but it wouldn’t surprise her either if (in some time) we broke up. They have met a number of times. She thinks he is a good person tho. She was glad to hear things were going better.

“A” who is my internally best friend even tho our relationship is a little strained right now. Overall she wasn’t around enough to have a true opinion. But I think she doesn’t like him because she thinks me and Leo are a friggin Disney movie. But as well they have this weird unspoken tension between them. They don’t really care for each others company equally I see it in both of them she was at my house Saturday her and “J”.

“J” is my gay bff and he thinks that he’s overly sensitive but really likes him overall as a person. They really get along.

“C” she thinks he is good to me and that she thinks he could be the one but she also lives her life like “everything happens for a reason and everyone comes in your life for a reason” mantra

My brother thinks he is the best, & the best thing that has ever happened to me and quote “if I let him go I would be the dumbest person on the planet because he tries really damn hard.”