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This topic contains 17 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #215835

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi friends,

    I wrote here in March about my boyfriend and how he took “time off” from our relationship to figure out if he wants to ever marry me. He came back and we decided to try to get to know one another better. We went on two amazing vacations and had the best time of our lives. Fast forward to now. I am visiting home and before I was coming here, I asked him if he minds me looking at some rings at my friend's shop who is a diamond wholesaler. I asked him multiple times if he was ok with it and he said he was cause neither one of us know anything about rings. We were talking about getting married in February and he wasn't hesitant about it.

    Once I sent him pictures of the rings i like, he looked at them and gave  his feedback. He didn't sound too into it so I asked him and he said that the rings are throwing him for a loop and he back at where he was in March and it's not a good sign. He is having doubts again. After a lot of talk, over the phone as I am away from the home him and I share, he wants to break up. He asked me again how much getting married to me means? And I said it means a lot but only because I love him and see my life with him. He said he is happy to make a home with me but not marriage. He has only seen bad  marriages in his life. He thinks everything we have together will be lost once we get married. We have lived together for 2 years and we are best friends. I have to now go back and we have decided to speak one more time but I know knows it's over. He keeps rethinking us. We are wonderful together. He is ok to walk away from us because he is afraid or is it just me? So sad to go back as he was my reason to be in Dublin.

    Thank you for listening

    S

    #215847

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sapnap3:

    Welcome back!

    You wrote, “He is ok to walk away from us because he is afraid or is it just me?”-

    If I understand correctly, like you, he also thinks the flat in the center of Dublin where the two of you live is too small, but he won't leave it, won't get a driver's license so that he can live in a bigger flat, or house, away from the center and drive to work. Correct?

    I don't think he likes changes. He also did not like the idea of moving to Chicago with you. And he doesn't like the idea of marriage. He doesn't like changes. He is the least distressed, the most free of anxiety when things remain the same.

    In your previous thread we talked about your relationship with your mother, how you've been chasing her love for so very long, how fruitless that chase has been. You mentioned how important marriage is to her (particularly given the cultural emphasis), and you expressed back then, in March, that you may be willing to live with him without getting married.

    A few months later, you pursued marriage again, while visiting your mother (correct?)

    What will you be doing next, move out to another flat in Dublin while still working there, later to move to Chicago, to your condo… and have your mother live with you in Chicago later?

    anita

     

    #215849

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yes, the plan is to move to chicago in January or February next year. I can see myself living in Dublin without any influence from my mother. I know she will never love me. I, don't chase it so much any more. My feelings for her are of respect and sense of duty for my father who passed away two years ago.

    marriage for some reason feels like the ultimate step in a relationship. I have always thought of it as the goal of a relationship. You are right. He hates change. He just got a better job and he is adjusting to it.

    My issue is that, I was always told that when someone loves you, they don't walk away from you. We have had a wonderful relationship but he is confused if he is staying away from marriage because of his demons or because it's me. He doesn't think it's the later but I can't help but take it personally.

    on the subject of my mother, I did pick a fight with him after she fought with me. She said “i should've just aborted you when I had the chance. If it weren't for your father, you would've never been born”. I asked him why I have to keep chasing him for what I want in a relationship. I have chased my mother a lot all my life for love, why do I have to do the same with him? That's when I decided to walk away from us. Then I thought about how much I love him and gave him time to think about it. He then came back and said, he doesn't feel good about it at all. First time he left to think because he felt disconnected with me. Now we are close as ever but he still doesn't feel good about the ultimate commitment with me.

    I feel like  suggesting counseling to him but I am not sure if he will agree.

    I don't know how to go back to Ireland. He is home for me.

    #215857

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sapnap3:

    Your mother said to you recently: “I should've just aborted you when I had the chance. If it weren't for your father, you would've never been born”. But you didn't break up with her, didn't walk away from her. You decided to walk away from him instead (“That's when I decided to walk away from us”).

    Some time ago, in 2016, I think, you told your parents that a neighbor (who was at the time you told them a handyman they used to hire) molested you sexually, repeatedly, when you were a young child, six, if I remember correctly. Your father was quiet but your mother said that the man who molested you repeatedly charged less than other handymen and therefore she will keep hiring him for his services.

    Her concern was paying less for handyman work, not for her little girl having been repeatedly molested.

    Your most current attitude regarding your mother is “I, don't chase it (her love) so much any more. My feelings for her are of respect”.

    For as long as you chase your mother for love, even if it is less chasing than before, for as long as you respect a person who severely disrespects you, you do have issues that you bring into a relationship with any man. You simply cannot be emotionally healthy when you keep respecting a person who severely disrespects you, still.

    He brings in his issues, you bring in yours.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #215875

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I am sorry but i am not understanding what you have said above.

    I know that I have issues and so does he. The fact that my mother doesn't love me doesn't determine my feelings for her. for me she will always be my mother. I respect all elders. i am kind to all so I don't know why I would be any different to my mother. She fights her own demons. I cannot imagine how it was to be her. she came from a dirt poor family, married at the age of 10. She worked at my grandma's farm more than 16 hours a day. The only thing that worked out well in her early life is my father. My father who was a kind hearted sweet man, grew protective of her once they came of age. She was abused for not been able to conceive. Than she was told that my father will have to be remarried to a woman who can give him sons. my dad never agreed to that but my grandmother made sure that the abuse and the guilt was laid thick on my parents. Before I was conceived, my mother went through many grueling religious and hack medical processes to make sure I was a boy. When I wasn't one, She didn't want me because she was sick and poor. My father fought to keep me alive.

    I empathize with my mom because I couldn't imagine myself in her shoe. Regardless, of what my parents views are for molesters and world in general, they gave me a comfortable life and made sure I had a fighting chance of being the best i could be. I am grateful to them. I am grateful for my mother for cleaning houses and coming home to clean and cook for me while I went to school. She isn't a “mother” in the sense we except but she is one to the best of her abilities.

    Anita, I know the parallels between me asking my boyfriend to love me in the conventional way, dating, moving in together, engagement and marriage way. And asking my mother to love me like a mother does where my tears don't go unnoticed and I am allowed to be vulnerable. but I don't see any other parallels. I am walking away from my love because I think I deserve better but my Buddhist teachings tell me to not have any expectations. We have a good relationship where we support each other and are friends. I am confused as shouldn't that be good enough?

    S

    #215881

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sapnap3:

    I understand the teaching of respecting one's elders and one's parents in particular. When your mother harms you repeatedly and still, and you submit to her under the teaching of respecting one's parents, you experience yet more abuse.

    “I respect all elders. I am kind to all so  I don't know why I would be any different to my mother”- because she is still abusing you. (It doesn't hurt less when one is abused by one's mother; it hurts more).

    “she came from a dirt poor family…”- I too empathize with your mother when she was a child, when she suffered abuse. But that child is long gone. The woman she became chose to hire the services of a man who sexually abused her daughter because he charged less than other handymen.

    “We (your and your boyfriend) have a good relationship where we support each other and are friends. I am confused as shouldn't that be good enough?”- you mean good enough for him to be willing to marry you?

    anita

     

     

    #215901

    Tara5000
    Participant

    Hi Sapnap3,

    i wouldn’t take his behavior personally. His feelings have nothing to do with you or your actions. If he didn’t realize what an awesome catch you are and is still waffling about his commitment to you I don’t think this will change.

    You deserve to be loved and cherished just for being you and for giving your love to him. If you want marriage and he doesn’t then you should walk away. You don’t want the same thing, the struggle will just continue on and your relationship will go nowhere.

    I suggest you see a therapist and take their advice about your situation. They will advocate for you and they will have an outside perspective on your relationship, which you need.

    It’s sad when we love someone who doesn’t truly love us back. Hoping they will change won’t work. Accept your reality and make a new life for yourself and only invite in people who cherish and respect you. I don’t suggest you live with your Mom. Love her from afar.

    You are worth a commitment and you will find someone that will give you this. Your boyfriend can’t see this and probably never will. Let him go. Your destiny awaits you. Have faith in your higher power.

    Going around in circles will only waste your time while your true love walks right past.

    Hugs, T

     

    #215917

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you so much

    i am struggling with being between a rock and a hard place. I love him a lot. If it is between him and marriage, I would pick him. But I know I deserve more. I deserve a commitment. I have let him know of my intentions today but I did say that I want to have a home and move towards a better life. He has asked for time to think about it as he doesn’t know what he wants. I have said that we will talk when I get back. It’s tough to know what is going on this far away. I know I am clinging to straws but I want to make sure that he knows that his love means a lot more to me than a ring.

    please pray that I get some resolve to my problem. Either we call it off or we go forward. I won’t remain in a limbo long.

    namaste

    s

     

    #215921

    Tara5000
    Participant

    Listen to your gut! It knows! ;  )

    Mine always did, but I usually ignored it especially when it came to my boyfriends or my husband. Looking back, my gut was never wrong.

    Prayers going your way!! Let us know how it goes.

    Namaste

    Tara

    #215973

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    That is it dear friend, I really don’t know what my gut is saying. A part of me wants to walk away but another part of me thinks of all the beautiful things we have together. Our memories and his kindness. I think I keep pushing him away by contacting him so I don’t know what the hell is going on in my mind. I think my mind is quickly making a wall around me to save me from hurt but instead it’s hurting me more. Thank you for your prayers.

     

    s

     

    #216209

    Tara5000
    Participant

    OK, not sure this will help, but it’s a good way to grow compassion and love for yourself. Then you can make decisions with love towards you instead of just others.

    So, in your mind create an image of yourself as a small child, about 6 years old. Think about how that child felt at that time – sweet, innocent, loving, sometimes shy, afraid, etc. If this child wasn’t you, what would you want for this child? Would you protect her from what she fears? Would you encourage her to have fun – help her make a sand castle on the beach?

    Ponder this, and when you ask yourself what you want from this relationship think of what you want for that little girl. She deserves only the best. What would you choose for her? Because she is still you.

    T

    <3

    #216267

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi Tara,

    again I haven't been able to sleep. I am in agony because I do love him so much. I have been sitting with my feelings and realizing that I have to leave my relationship. It's so painful. I couldn't picture myself as a child as there are not many pictures of me around but I do I deserve to be loved by someone who is sure about me.

    thank you so much

    namaste

    S

    #216467

    Tara5000
    Participant

    Dear S,

    How are you feeling?

    I hope you’re doing well.

    Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself.

    Namaste

    Tara

    #216469

    Mark
    Participant

    S,

    Loving someone should not override loving yourself.  We find ourselves attracted to and attach to those people who have characteristics of those “unloved” parts of us that were not addressed growing up and visa versa.  Usually that evolves into a “crucible” or conflict when each party needs to face that part to grow and heal.  That is tipping point of the relationship.  Your  boyfriend is facing that now and cannot grow beyond that fear, that wound that needs to be healed from childhood.

    You cannot force him to commit.  Living together is not a full commitment in my opinion.  Once each person moves into marriage then we absolutely need to come face-to-face (literally) with the issues that were created from our childhood.

    Mark

    #216483

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you Mark. I have had a hard time and been dealing with the best of my abilities. I am a codependent and I went to a 12 steps meeting today. I am rereading the “codependent no more” book and I am determine to find the love within myself. I have been hard on myself but I had a mini breakthrough today. I found my old journal from 5 years ago and my coda workbook. I reread some of the months of my journal which I use to write in everyday. I was going through a breakup that time too and blaming myself for everything that went wrong. I also played the victim in my story. I was the villain and the victim. After crying for what seemed to be a long time on the floor, I had an insight. I have learned a lot from my journey earlier. I have been controlling in my relationship now and will be working on making sure that I am only responsible for my actions and reactions, not his. But it was a healthy relationship. It’s easy for me to fall into “I messed up” cycle but I didn’t mess up. I showed up authentically in my relationship. I spoke my truth. Raised my hand when I didn’t feel like myself and had to take time off. Went on solo trips. Really enjoyed my me time and really took care of myself. Yes, I had a relapse and fell into my codependent tendencies but I caught myself and owned up to my part.

    I would love to keep working on my relationship with my boyfriend because I love him a lot but I won’t do it without him giving me the same authentic presence.

    mark, I didn’t understand the “crucible” comment above. Can you elaborate or explain?

    thank you

    S

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