March 8, 2019 at 4:55 am #283639
You are welcome. If she is acting illegally then why call her out on it- gather the evidence and initiate a legal action against her, let her receive a legal paper in the mail regarding her illegal activity instead of a call out from you.
anitaMarch 9, 2019 at 12:51 am #283765
Yes I’ve been thinking of doing that very thing. For the past three months or more!
I keep procrastinating, deliberating, overthinking. The stress of this whole situation has made me very anxious, so much so that I am taking medication for it.
I keep hoping that her own conscience will keep her playing fair and in check, but I don’t think that is going to happen. I don’t want to have to force the issue because of splitting the whole family up. And I have to admit the thought of yet another narcissistic rage from her is enough to make me want to run away and hide.
I have bought a book about how to set boundaries with people like this. It might help! I am only just realising that I have been letting her overstep boundaries for years. I have established boundaries over the years, but I can draw a line… she oversteps the line and I just draw another line, and so on. And then letting it go for the sake of peace. She keeps doing it and I keep letting her do it. This has got to stop.
I think I have been trying to be the guardian of her conscience. But every time I call her actions and motives into question, she flies off into a rage, smokescreens the issue, and eventually I just back down. She always, but always gets her own way, whether that is the right way or not!
Sorry for venting. I am angry with myself for letting her do this to me. It’s the story of my life with her and a very hard habit to break. But I have to start standing up for myself with her at some point, and it might as well be now.
I will not be bullied, humiliated or controlled by anyone else. It’s just my sister I have this problem with.
Jay xMarch 9, 2019 at 7:24 am #283787
I have three comments:
1. “every time I call her actions and motives into question, she flies off into a rage.. and eventually I just back down”- this is the same dynamic that happens all the time in nature: one animal barks or growls angrily, exposing its teeth and takes on an aggressive body posture and the other animal backs down.
Everyone is afraid of aggression, so she gets her way.
2. “I will not be bullied, humiliated or controlled by anyone else. It’s just my sister I have this problem with”- doesn’t make it any better for you, it being your sister who is doing the bullying, does it (“The stress of this whole situation has made me very anxious, so much so that I am taking medication for it”).
3. “I don’t want to have to force the issue because of splitting the whole family up”- make sure there is a family bond that you will be splitting. If by “splitting the whole family up” you mean, for example, that a yearly barbecue event will not take place or that not everyone will show up to the yearly event, this is not a bond that you will be breaking, but an event, and an appearance of a bond.
-maybe lots of people will be glad that they don’t “have to” show up to the event!
What bonds will you be breaking if you stop all personal communications with your sister and fully go the legal route with her, what will happen as a result?
anitaMarch 10, 2019 at 3:00 am #283917
To answer your question, I’m not sure about bonds I would be breaking if I went ‘no contact’ with my sister. I know I wouldn’t be welcome at the family home anymore, but I could live with that. The family home (which is not where I live) doesn’t hold many happy memories for me.
Both myself and my sister have children who are now grown up adults. I suppose I don’t really want to cause a rift that would make future encounters my children may have with my sister awkward and uncomfortable for them. Mostly they go round to see their Grandmother, our mother – on her birthday, at Christmas, and so on. Big occasions where family have to be together, like my father’s funeral last year.
I’m trying to save them from all the awkwardness of having to take sides. Perhaps I should talk to them about this, as it concerns them if I do go no contact.
I have a friend who has the same problem with her sister, and went no contact some years ago. Between ourselves, we call it the ‘divorced sister’s club’.
I also worry that by going no contact, that she will try to turn my own family against me. She will not blame herself for the rift between us. She would never apologise to me for her behaviour, as in her own eyes, she is never wrong.
So perhaps I am also worried that any blame will land on me, as it will. I will be blamed and become the guilty party, and she will make sure that everyone knows it is ‘all my fault’ (as it has always been!), and not her who has caused the rift. She cannot and will not accept responsibility for her own mistakes, she has a victim mentality.March 10, 2019 at 7:59 am #283931
You are afraid that your sister will turn your adult children against you: does she really have that power, to turn adults against their mother; I mean, assuming you have good relationships with your adult children who now live independently from you, she has that much power?
What is clear to me is that you live in fear of your sister.
And it is clear to me that you shouldn’t live in fear of her.
anitaMarch 11, 2019 at 2:57 am #284017
You are so right! I do live in fear of my sister.
That’s why I try to avoid questioning her actions and motives – to keep the peace – and that’s why we have arrived at the situation we have now.
The situation we have now is because I have joint legal and moral responsibilities for my mother’s welfare and financial affairs, and my sister doesn’t like me having equal rights in this regard. But I could get into serious legal trouble in the future if I don’t point out what she is doing. It actually makes no difference if I do.
To be very honest, I think I should have turned my back on her years ago, decades ago. I wasn’t able to stand up to her like that. And I find that I cannot do it now either!
You are right on the other point also, regarding my children. I do have good relationships with all three of my children, who are all adults. (I have grandchildren as well). They would stand behind me if I needed them to.
It’s only because I can no longer ‘put up and shut up’ with this situation that I am seeking legal advice.
March 11, 2019 at 8:10 am #284061
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by JayJay.
Well, it is time to not act scared of her anymore, even though you feel scared. My advice is that you end your personal relationship with her, see the legal person, draw whatever papers need to be drawn so to define a very business relationship with her, if such is required, and stick to the rules of guidelines of those papers.
anitaMarch 11, 2019 at 12:34 pm #284139
Hi Anita – I never let her know I am scared of her. Sometimes my performances are worthy of an Oscar!
Sometimes these performances are simply because I don’t know how else to deal with the situations she controls, so I just act as though everything is absolutely fine. I am not doing either myself or her any favours, I know that.
I will see what the solicitor says tomorrow and let you know.
Thank you once again for your help… you are making a lot of sense. 🙂
Jay xMarch 11, 2019 at 12:51 pm #284147
By “not act scared of her anymore”, I didn’t mean to perform so that she thinks you are not scared of her. In my mind, it is not about what she thinks, it is about what you feel, the quality of your life. Every time you try “to keep the peace”, every time you communicate with her although it is not necessary, you are hurting yourself.
You are welcome and I am looking forward to read what your solicitor says tomorrow. I hope you have all the questions you have for him/ her written down and that you get clear and complete information.
anitaMarch 13, 2019 at 3:54 am #284389
The appointment with the solicitor was very helpful… expensive, but worth every penny. I have now appointed this lady solicitor and all of my questions were answered, and all of my worries have been noted.
I have four ways of dealing with this problem.
1. Step away regarding the POA responsibilities. Revoke my POAs with the Office of the Public Guardian. This would then cover my back. However, the lady said that doing this would mean that my mother would only have one POA, and that is never a good thing.
2. Step away, but don’t revoke the POAs. If anyone else raises concerns, then I have to prove that there is no involvement on my part. I have lodged all bank statements, and details of various encounters with the solicitor. It can be now be proved that I had previously raised concerns with my sister and that these concerns have been ignored.
3. Complain to the Office of the Public Guardian about her behaviour. This would then initiate an investigation into what she is actually up to and she would have to prove that she is acting in my mother’s best interests. There would be severe consequences if they found that she was taking advantage in any way or using coercion or other tactics to make my mother capitulate to her demands.
4. And this one is interesting! Tell my sister I am not happy with her management of my mother’s accounts and that I am going to do the above (at 4.) and see if it changes her behaviour. In other words, threaten her with starting an investigation and see if it will have any effect.
So, I have some thinking to do about the way I handle these issues!March 13, 2019 at 6:21 am #284399
Regarding #4, how will you know/find out how she behaves, so to determine “if she changes her behavior”?
March 13, 2019 at 12:19 pm #284457
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I meant to put re. choice 4 – threaten her with #3. Sorry for the typo.
How would I know she had changed… I would get a report back from the OPG when they had completed their investigation.
At the moment I am favouring #2, but that won’t put a stop to anything, it will just cover my back, and won’t help my mother at all.
Every time you try “to keep the peace”, every time you communicate with her although it is not necessary, you are hurting yourself.
I agree. I’ve been doing just this for the most part of my life. And I know only I can stop it. It’s not easy.
There are now three people living off my mother’s funds, did I tell you? Her husband has moved in officially now. He is also living there and not contributing either in any way, in addition to my sister. 🙁
The solicitor said that what my sister is doing is illegal.
March 13, 2019 at 12:31 pm #284469
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by JayJay.
Yes, you mentioned her husband moving in. The reason I asked how you would know if she changed her behavior was my concern that you will need to ask her about her activities, have ongoing contact with her, but if the OPG does the investigation (not you), I suppose that would be okay.
I hope you choose an option where you no longer have contact with her beyond the business/legal context. I think option #4 would mean that the past friendly-like or a pretend-friendly communication with her will no longer happen, once you threaten her and then, it really will be strictly business/ legal between the two of you, correct?
If so, it may be the right option, a direct confrontation with her and ending of all unnecessary communication with her, going the strictly legal route.
anitaMarch 14, 2019 at 5:32 am #284545
Thanks for your suggestions and your opinion on this subject.
It’s very difficult for me to come to any decision at all at the moment, I’m still thinking about the consequences of each of those choices, what it would mean and not just for myself but in a wider context.
Jay xMarch 14, 2019 at 5:43 am #284549
You are welcome. Don’t forget you in that wider context.
I kept a relationship going with a person I feared, a person I was afraid of and angry at, a person I disliked, and it made it impossible for me to live in peace, peace in between my ears, where it matters. I wasn’t able to be myself with her, kept trying to push down my anger which kept coming up, I felt guilty and… well, I suffered a whole lot for keeping that contact.