March 14, 2019 at 6:14 am #284551
You are so right in what you say. The relationship with my sister has always been the way you describe that relationship of yours.
It makes you so tired, both in mind and body.
Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.
JayMarch 14, 2019 at 8:10 am #284575
When you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, do what is just, when you do what is congruent with the value of justice, over time the guilt and distress of doing what is just, goes away.
If you do what is congruent with injustice, the distress never goes away.
Do you need help figuring justice, in this context?
anitaMarch 16, 2019 at 1:45 am #284843
Thanks for your reply. I know what I *should* be doing. Which is calling my sister out on her machinations…. and manipulation of my mother’s accounts and welfare.
I’m having a problem with doing that, although that is just, that is the right thing to do. What a coward I am.
I simply don’t want to rock the boat. Things are quiet and calm at the moment. On the surface, at least.
JayMarch 16, 2019 at 5:56 am #284849
When I mentioned justice, I didn’t think about justice for your mother. I thought about justice for you personally. More specifically, I was thinking about the many years that as an adult I kept contact with my mother and the high price I paid for it, continuing to live a dysfunctional life and to suffer, a whole lot. I kept contact with her thinking it will hurt her if I stop contact. I should have thought about my hurt, not hers, do justice by me.
Your sister has mistreated you for a long, long time. It is not justice for you to make yourself available for more of it.
March 17, 2019 at 4:43 am #284927
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
You are so right! I should have ended all contact with my sister years ago. I never considered your post in the context of justice for me personally. I already decided months ago that all contact with my sister would cease when my mother passed on. Maybe I should be thinking about doing this now, not at some point in the future. Yes, I have also paid a high price for keeping in contact. I keep doing it for the sake of peace in the family. I know I will have to put myself first at some point, because life is definitely too short to keep this up for much longer.
Like you discovered, it sometimes has to be justice for yourself, over and above those who seek to bring you down and make you unhappy, and keep on doing it, and know they are doing it.
Thank you for your thoughts. I need to think on this for a while.March 17, 2019 at 8:02 am #284951
You are welcome.
“those who seek to bring you down”- trying to make peace with those who seek to bring you down in nature is a death sentence, as in deer trying to make peace with a mountain lion. A more accurate example, two dogs meet, one shows aggression toward the other, the other lies on his back, belly up, surrenders. The aggressive dog walks away, lets the submissive one live unharmed. But the rules have been established, the submissive one remains submissive with the aggressive one, the rule-of-engagement has been established.
anitaMarch 18, 2019 at 3:41 am #285071
Once more I agree with all you say above.
The rules of my relationship with my sister were established decades ago.
I wish I could have had a sister who was a friend to me, worked with me, etc., like other sisters in other families do. 🙁
JayMarch 18, 2019 at 12:36 pm #285153
I understand wishing and hoping and trying again, and yet again. But reality doesn’t accommodate our wishing and hoping. It doesn’t accommodate our efforts to change what we cannot change.
March 19, 2019 at 2:09 am #285249
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
And there’s the crux of it all. You can’t change someone else. Only they can change themselves. Some people are incapable of changing themselves.
The only person you can change is yourself.
That’s a hard lesson to learn!
JayMarch 19, 2019 at 6:01 am #285261
If one person abuses/ disrespects another repeatedly and will not make the changes necessary so to no longer abuse another (starting immediately), then the person abused should make the changes necessary to no longer make herself available to the abusive person.
anitaMarch 20, 2019 at 2:40 am #285429
I know you are right in what you say. I should just simply walk away. I’m favouring either #1 or #2 from that list of options the solicitor gave me.
#3 Well, that would drop her right in it. It’s an option for the future maybe.
#4, won’t make a bit of difference, unless I follow it through with #3.
I don’t even plan on telling her I have obtained legal advice, unless she pushes me to it. But getting legal advice has given me some direction, at least.
March 20, 2019 at 8:11 am #285449
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by JayJay.
Options 1 and 2 read good to me.
“I don’t even plan on telling her.. unless she pushes me to it”- so you still plan on having a relationship with your sister, and you plan on availing yourself therefore to be pushed by her-
– and to top that, you plan on submitting to her again by giving in to her if she pushes you.
Not a good plan.
anitaMarch 21, 2019 at 2:12 am #285555
I know… I know. I agree with all you say!
I would like things to stay – on the surface at least – ok-ish… a detachment of sorts.
I suppose I’m still putting others first, before myself.March 21, 2019 at 8:41 am #285599
I suppose it is about comfort level- it is more comfortable for you for “things to stay- on the surface.. ok-ish” than it is to shake the surface and fix what is underneath the surface.
We do choose comfort over discomfort every time. We shake what is on the surface only when we get uncomfortable with the stench of the goo seeping from underneath.
anitaMarch 23, 2019 at 1:29 am #285869
That’s exactly the way it is in my situation, Anita.
My mother is being looked after by my sister, and seems happy enough. If someone asked my mother if she was happy with the situation as it is, she would say yes. She is now dependent on my sister for her every need. Perhaps she thinks that is worth the cost, although I’m not sure if my mother is aware of the cost of anything, these days.
Even if I reported this state of affairs, my mother would insist that this is the way she prefers to live. And unless my mother says otherwise to someone in authority, which won’t happen, then I’m stuck with this situation as it stands.
In effect, I would be rocking the boat for nothing, as it would get me nowhere if I did report what my sister is up to. The authorities will always put the wishes of my mother first.
I just wish my sister could be fair. And wishing for that is wishing for the impossible, because it won’t happen.