fbpx
Menu

Holding my tongue. . .

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Holding my tongue. . .

New Reply
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • August 5, 2014 at 11:54 pm #62735
    peace57
    Participant

    While I’m trying to learn to think carefully about my responses in uneasy situations instead of react, I find that I’m often just reduced to silence, and sometimes for large chunks of conversation if I don’t care for the way it’s going. Is that a good thing or a crutch?

    It happens mostly in group conversations, and again, usually involving work collaborations. My goal is to try not to introduce negativity, but sometimes it feels like holding my responses (when I can’t think of anything positive to say) is just as negative.

    I’m a planner. I tend to be the person in a group who thinks of all the logistical issues, problems that could crop up, history that other people aren’t considering, etc. I used to think this was a good attribute, but bringing those things up has often put me in a position of letting the air out of someone else’s ideas.

    Is is ever more important to speak up even if your opinion is not terribly positive? How do you decide that?

    August 6, 2014 at 12:28 am #62737
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi there!

    One of the pillars in Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is asserting oneself. So if you feel like you have something to contribute, then do so. Keeping silent when you feel like you ought to speak can do some harm for you in the long run.

    I’m personally not so convinced with the binary thinking that everything that we say or do is either positive or negative. Facts are facts, and they are neutral. I’m not sure why people are so scared of stating facts and being straightforward about them (people in general, that is). There is a difference though in how one delivers the information, and that can require some skillful maneuvering 🙂 For example, if something has been tried before, but it didn’t work then due to some problems, and now someone wants to introduce the same thing again, you can be both intrigued by the suggestion and offer information on what has happened before and why. Instead of seeing problems as something that can not be overcome, because they weren’t overcome before, you can see them as challenges for the team. Accepting reality does not equal being cynical, and it’s the cynicism that enthusiastic people have a hard time understanding.

    The reason we work in teams in general is that different people bring different things to the table. Your skills are very valuable to any project, so don’t be afraid to use them!

    August 6, 2014 at 8:16 am #62747
    Dain Supero
    Participant

    Silence is more than fine as long as silence is in fact your intention and your body language is comfortable with it. It’s not the silence that’s awkward, it’s the awkward body language that almost always accompanies it. Some of the best salespersons, leaders, thinkers, orators, and politicians have used silence quite well as a tool, and to great effect.

    So now that you consciously know silence is okay and can sometimes be a good thing, allow your body to act according to this belief. Your subconscious body language will be much more agreeable.

    Your tendency to plan well is a great asset (as long as you believe it is). It’s only going to take a few situations where your questions and recommendations will make all the difference. Once people catch on, advancement won’t be far behind. That said, do make sure you’re applying the same standard of inquiry to your ideas as well as those of your colleagues. The last thing you want in a work environment is to project the image of Mr. Know-It-All, who’s there simply to derail someone else’s thoughts.

    August 9, 2014 at 11:29 am #62949
    peace57
    Participant

    This is just a test. I’ve been trying to post responses to this thread for days and they wouldn’t go through.

    August 9, 2014 at 11:32 am #62950
    peace57
    Participant

    Ruminant said:

    I’m personally not so convinced with the binary thinking that everything that we say or do is either positive or negative. Facts are facts, and they are neutral. I’m not sure why people are so scared of stating facts and being straightforward about them (people in general, that is). There is a difference though in how one delivers the information, and that can require some skillful maneuvering 🙂

    Hi Ruminant,

    I know you are right on this. The funny thing is, I’ve had a reputation in this company for “skillful delivery” for a couple of decades. I think I’m losing my touch, or age is setting in, or something, lol!

    The issues cropping up recently are pushing my territorial button, and I’m working with a number of people who are very new to this type of project, but full of ideas that they assume no one has ever thought of before. That’s a trigger for me. I’ve never understood why new people don’t ask what has been tried before, *then* suggest other methods.

    Dain Supero said:

    Silence is more than fine as long as silence is in fact your intention and your body language is comfortable with it. It’s not the silence that’s awkward, it’s the awkward body language that almost always accompanies it. Some of the best salespersons, leaders, thinkers, orators, and politicians have used silence quite well as a tool, and to great effect.

    Hi Dain:

    Thank you for that, and you are also right. I suspect my body language was all over the place the other day. In the end, I probably held my opinion more than necessary. . . and while doing so, a newcomer swooped in when talk of grant applications came up, and volunteered to take on the job of writing them that I’ve been doing for years. Everyone is jostling for position. 🙂 I’m trying to hold my judgement on the fact that she has no experience whatsoever writing grant requests. And to appreciate that I don’t have to worry about them–but I’m not at that appreciation point, yet.

    I wish I could fast-forward through about a year of meditation experience right now!

    Thank you both for the insights.

    August 9, 2014 at 11:37 am #62951
    peace57
    Participant

    LOL!!

    Ok, excuse the use of the b-quote. Apparently my other responses wouldn’t post because I was using the quote function–if I tried to quote, it wouldn’t go through.

    So I removed the quote code from the post and replaced it with the b-quote style. THEN it went through, but didn’t realize it was going to look like that.

    Learn something new every day…

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.