Hello TinyBuddhists,
I’ve been through a couple of tough emotional months, where I notice I can coop better with it, but my hope just doesn’t fade in the whole situation.. I think my hope is putting me down. Let me explain myself.

I was in college 3 years ago, struggling with the last year. So I decided to go work for a year or so to keep myself busy and figure out what I want from the future. I started working at a restaurant where I met this beautiful girl. Lets call her ‘L’. We kind of clicked right away. I thought she was amazing and she would make me feel like I could conquer the world. Whenever I would see her, I would smile like there was no tomorrow, and I could not stop it. We started dating. It was my first real long-term relationship. The first girl I could trust completely, love with all my heart, and do everything for to keep her happy.

In those two years I was kind of passive with college. I loved my job, I was great at it, I met the girl of my dreams and she was mine, first time in my life I think I was truly happy. But with a big shadow I was trying to avoid.

After almost 2 years of dating, she stated her feeling for me were gone and she had to go her own way without me. She saw no future with me. I didn’t see a breakup coming at all. She said she was fighting this feeling for over 2 months. And I never noticed a thing..
She was always wanting to move out of her parents house to something else. But we just couldn’t afford it. And I still had to finish my college.

The news she brought me hit me like a truck and I was devistated. Why? How? All those questions.. I was totally off track. I had to accept her decision, while she wanted to still be friends. I took 1 ½ week off of work and I was doing all kinds of stuff to keep my mind of her. Working out, jogging, sorting documents, repairing stuff.
But everytime I had even 3 minutes to spare she would pop up into my mind and I was all down again. Cried for nights trying to sleep.

After the time off work, I went back there. It was the first time I would see her again. And it went better then expected. It was very very awkward, but I didn’t feel the pain as much as I thought I would.
I thought I could already coop with it some more, and then new information hit me.
She was now talking allot to another coworker, I was super jealous ofcourse but I kept my mouth shut.
Few days later they were dating.. I never saw this coming because he was like 16 years older then her.

Everytime I had to go to work it was a huge burden to me. I had to see her, and him, almost every day.
I kept it professional though, ignored the guy for being a **** backstabber, and didn’t talk to her about stuff other then work related topics. Keeping the conversations as short as possible.

Through all of this, I had hope. I had hope it would get better. That she would come back to me. I know if someone doesn’t love you anymore, its hard to get them to love you again. I would just accept what happened, and improve myself whereever I can. And let her see the ‘new’ me, without pushing it too much. I had allot of time on my hands the last three months to think about myself and how I see things, how I want things to be, I got to know myself better in the last 3 months then in the last 5 years. I’ve grown allot and when looking back on the relationship, I was doing allot of things wrong. Not wrong in a way of being mean, or disrespectfull. But wrong in a way where her and me weren’t on the same level anymore. I didn’t grew with her. Because I was scared of the future.

A future she wanted so badly, with just the two of us. I didn’t realise she would leave me if I didn’t start really working for the future we both deserved. Finish college, get a real job. I was just stuck in my happy place..

I know deep inside, we lost track of each other. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her anymore. I still do with all my heart. She is in my mind everyday. The whole situation replays in my mind over and over again. How could I not see this coming. How could I not just work for the future we deserved. Because I was scared I hid my inner feelings and couldn’t open up on that part of me. And because of that I lost the girl of my life. Im angry at myself that it took this much for me to realise that I was stuck in this insecure zone of myself. Blind to others around me.

I’ve shown her since the breakup I have been more passionate about finishing college and building a future, and I truly understand her decision about the breakup. But it doesn’t do a thing to her..

She did send me a text asking about how my internship went on the first day I started, but it was intended as a reconnection as friends I guess.

This guy she’s with now has his own little place, something she has always wanted, something I couldn’t give her. And they are buying stuff together for in his house, so I guess she’s moving in with him after 3 month breakup.

To go back to what I was saying in the beginning, hope is bringing me down. Even at this point, I think there is hope. Because she is right now focussing on getting what she wanted from me. What if after a while she doesn’t like the guy anymore. She would realise that she went into the relationship for the wrong reasons. After our breakup she felt very emotional the first couple of days, then he ‘saved’ her.

How do I stop this feeling of hope.. I want to let her go but I cant, because I know deep down its my fault I lost her. Made her cut me loose, and start dating this guy with a big age difference.