i want to talk about something that I have been so confused about for so long. Something that I experienced years ago that still affects me today. I have a little bit of a better understanding of it now than back then. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it seems to be the cause of my self esteem issues.

It all started when I was 15. At age 15, I was still a kid. I wasn’t mature like some of the other girls in my age group. I had no boobs, I wasn’t all that boy-crazy, and I wasn’t into showing off my body. My best friend was GOREGOUS. I know so many girls claim their best friend is so beautiful… but when I tell you that my best friend was goregous… I mean it. If anyone has seen gossip girl, my best friend looked exactly like Serena Van Der Woodesn. I honestly identified with the show so much because my best friend looked like Serena. In the show, Serena got so many opportunists and so much attention because of her looks. This sometimes caused problems between Serena and her best friend Blair. I felt like Blair because my best friend got so much attention and so many opportunities. This caused me to really hate myself. I didn’t understand why every. Single. Guy. Wanted my best friend. Her life was SO GOOD because of her looks. Everyone wanted to be her friend, every guy wanted to talk to her (And I mean every guy… if a guy didn’t approach her it was only because he thought she was out of their league. But she got approached buy multiple guys on a daily basis), we got invited to parties, etc.  she also had an extremely attractive personality as she was always bubbly, happy, sweet, and kind.

After being super close with her for 2 years, our friendship faded when we both got boyfriends. I remember feeling super depressed. After I stopped being friends with her, I stopped having so many good opportunities come my way. Less guys wanted to talk to us, we got invited to less parties, my social status went down. I didn’t realize that a huge part of the special opportunists I got was because of my friend.

After realizing this, it has been even harder for me. It really hurts to know that I will never be as pretty as her. Looking back, it was pretty unrealistic of me to assume I would ever be as beautiful as her. For 1) I am super shy and self conscious. My friend wore super push up bras and tight clothing. I value comfort way too much how wear clothes that show off my tiny waist and  boobs. 2) I’m also just not that bubbly of a person. Everyone called her a “blonde bombshell” but I could never be that. I’m brunette and I’m not that optimistic. I dislike people too much to be super kind and sweet like her. 3) I’m shorter than her so I would never get her long legs. 4) again, she’s blonde (with blue eyes)  and I have dark brown hair with dark brown eyes. Blonde hair and blue eyes are a beauty standard. Sure, brown hair is beautiful too along with brown eyes. But part of her beauty was her blonde hair and blue eyes. Plus, blondes get approached more.

It still hurts to know I will never live up to her. I feel as though my standards have been set too high after being her friend. It’s just not who I am. But I’ve always wanted to be her. And it causes me to see myself as ugly.