How do I deal with my separation grieve?

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryHow do I deal with my separation grieve?

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
  • #119297

    I’m just stunned. Faschinated. I’m observing the process of grieve in my body and realize what a powerful thing channelizing actually is. In my case, I’m automatically channelling a pick-and-choose basket of negative attributes, onto the thought of one single person. And when that person appears in my mind or, even worse, get himself announced with a friendly “best wishes” text before an exam or the like, my inside explode in a chemical supernova of sadness, anger, even panic.

    I’m speaking about my ex, of whom I dumped a couple of months ago. We’d been “together” (dating, sexing, not actually claimed to be a couple but doing about all the stuff couples do, including travelling together, having long weekends at each others places together with my daughter from a former relationship, speaking daily on the phone etc) for four years.

    There’s another thing making me claim we weren’t an actual couple. He continuously hid me from his family. I just recently got confirmed that was because he couldn’t see me as representative enough to be accepted as an actual family member. He couldn’t see any future with me. Having that confirmed was enough to me to dump him on the spot.

    Now, a couple of months after the breakup, every time I think of him I connect him with thoughts of stupidity (why didn’t I trust him the first times he claimed he might not want to form a family but live and play his whole life through, why did I think this was a period he would eventually mature out of, and WHY did I give him FOUR YEARS waiting for something to improve on his family relations so that we could finally integrate in the family as a real and accepted couple?), disrespect (how could he continue to treat me this way, if he knew he would’nt want to progress our relationship?) hopelessness (all the effort I’ve put to us… to him… in vain) and so on.

    So, because of all the negative thoughts and values I now connect with the guy, every time I think of him I get extremely unfocused and filled up with negative emotion. The first step in dealing with this is probably to talk and write it off the head, to get a little space between the emotion and the reason for the emotion.

    Now when I’m writing I’m trying to find something good that’s come out of this… For example, I’m more secure now about where I stand and what I want of a relationship. I’m not sad about being alone, that’s actually pretty relieving right now as a lot of social contact or, god forbid, a new relationship to cover the grieve from the last one would probably just drown the minds’ voice and prevent it from telling what I actually need to get through this stronger and more confident.

    The most irritating thing right now are these negative chemical supernova explosions in my body every time I think of him a little extra, or when he somehow announces his existence through a comment field or forum, or a personal message of some kind. The emotions will fade away eventually, I know. It’s just that right now they’re really intrusive and efficiently blocks my ability to focus and concentrate, which is not that good in work- or study related activities.

    I’ve tried emptying my head with meditation (efficiently collects focus on the subject and makes the emotion worse), speaking with friends, workout (intensifies the emotions like crazy), leading away the thoughts onto something else (works in the moment but eventually just postpones the reactions). Any other ideas on how to function like a normal human through this process?


    Janeth –

    I’m sincerely sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

    If you need confirmation, I believe your perspective and attitude are both very healthy. You are able to isolate your feelings and contain them. The opposite of this is having your emotions overwhelm and consume you.

    Still, it is hard when the negative feelings (thoughts of him) pop into your head. It’s a true violation. For most, these times are usually down times – when your head isn’t preoccupied with other tasks, people, events, etc. It is a time when you are wanting a “mental break.” And thus, it is incredibly irritating to have these “moments of pause” taken up with such toxic negativity. I empathize with you as I too am struggling with negative thoughts of a currently challenged close relationship.

    This may sound lame, but all I can offer is support – and tell you to give it time. Meditation, writing it down (very cathartic), and enjoying your time alone are all wonderful. Keep going. Perhaps also add something new if your schedule permits, like volunteering your time at a non-charitable resource. Also, if you can take steps to avoid any social media contact with him, then do so.

    I hope this helps.

    Peace to you today.



    Ninja –

    You’re everything but lame! Support can be vastly underrated, as are positive thoughts directed to someone struggling with something, or just a little caring. I’m grateful for your engaging answer. Volunteering is a nice thing, and something I usually engage in when out of a relationship – might be that the relationships tend to take too much time to spare anything for activities non-related to the partner. As for time taken with other friends. At the moment, and especially after putting words to the emotions, it’s really nice to just be resting alone for a while. Clear the mind and gather energy. When the time is right, I most surely will change focus from what I don’t have – to what I have. What I can give, to people and contexts that appreciate what I can give. And appreciate what people and contexts can give me back.

    After speaking out a little, I realize that I actually am my strongest self as single. And in some meaning, also my happiest self. Sure it’s cosy curling up with a partner and have a physical relationship. But what I think I need the most are emotional relationships. Those that can be built up between friends. And when I think about it, emotional relationships between friends seem so much easier and less dramatic than physical relationships, where you’re attached to one another in a different way.

    This might well be a grieving stage (denial? Acceptance?) and these words, accompanied by the feelings of the moment, might loose their purport in the next emotional hurricane. I might rest in the eye of my chemical grieving storm right now. It’s a pretty nice place to rest in, though.


    Any other ideas on how to function like a normal human through this process?

    Your experience of the “supernova” sounds pretty normal to me and I’m impressed with your intention to use the experience to grow with a focus on the positive.

    There is a time for all things and perhaps by allowing the “supernova” experience to be normal and accepted as it is, for what it is, you will eventually have fewer of them and or that they not last as long.

    Sometimes the simple act of noticing without self-judgment is enough for such moments to pass.

    And sometimes… well finding a private corner somewhere and letting yourself feel everything, think everything, blame, cry, curse, grieve… all that stuff, well that that has it place. You just don’t want to get stuck there.

    From what I read I don’t think you’re the type of person that will get stuck.
    You’re very good at expressing yourself.


    Supernovas are probably, just as you say, there because they are a normal component in the bodily reaction. I notice and refrain from judging. Noticing a body reaction without seeing it as “wrong” and something needed to be worked out and corrected, is actually pretty relieving too.

    A fun fact that might not have much to do with this situation, is that I am that kind of person who, in contrast to getting stuck, tend to be a little too unattached. This is a part explanation of why I am so stunned and surprized that I get these reactions. Seems like I am a human like anybody, and that I can be sad about a separation too. Which is actually also pretty nice to have knowledge of.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.