Home→Forums→Relationships→How do I forgive myself for my drunk actions?
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January 13, 2019 at 7:24 am #274069
AnonymousGuestDear Christina:
You wrote earlier: “I don’t want to hurt them or make them have negative feelings toward me like I do towards my own mother”,
What are those negative feelings you referred to?
You asked me a question where you stated about my mother: “she must have done something bad for you to have those feelings”
Your answer to my question above will clarify for me the nature of those feelings. But I need an answer to the following before I answer your question (I will be glad to):
What is the “something bad” or bad things that your mother did to you?
anita
January 13, 2019 at 7:39 am #274073
ChristinaParticipantAnita,
Well, my mother lacks maternal instinct, and she never took part in raising me. She has never been there for me emotionally, I can never talk to her about anything. Also, she is an extreme narcissist, so whenever I do talk about myself, the conversation always ends up revolving around her. I think she doesn’t have the capability of being an actual “mother,” which isn’t exactly her fault, but her lack of being a mother still upsets me. It saddens me that I will never experience what my friends do with their mothers.
Christina
January 13, 2019 at 8:04 am #274231AnonymousGuestDear Christina:
You wrote that your mother “never took part in raising (you)”, meaning she wasn’t there in the home where you grew up?
My mother did take a huge part in raising me, she was in the home where I grew up. Therefore her power over me was huge. If she didn’t live with me when I was a child, she wouldn’t have that power over me, the power to build or destroy.
I suppose I was wrong then, you and I do not have similar feelings toward our respective mothers. I felt angry at my mother and felt guilty for feeling angry at her because there she was, feeding me, dressing me, buying me school supplies and toys, etc., and I was angry at her, feeling like a bad girl for feeling angry at the woman who did raise me. It was the day after day after day of living with her this way that was so damaging to me.
It is the adult or adults we live with as children that have immense power over our development. We are formed during those formative years of childhood. What adult was present then in your childhood home?
anita
January 14, 2019 at 12:32 pm #274539ChristinaParticipantAnita,
Although your mother provided for you, I’m sure you had your reasonings for why you were angry with her! Unless it was just hormones and the yearning to be independent? I find it interesting how we have similar feelings towards our mothers but one of ours was present growing up and one was not.
Well my parents got divorced when I was at a very young age, and my father got sole custody of me because my mother decided she wanted to move and do travel nursing. I have half siblings through my mother, but two of them were old enough to live on their own at the time and another lived with her own father. My mother is a very selfish woman sadly, as can be seen from her decision to pursue travel nursing rather than raise her youngest children. My mother had a very rough upbringing and my grandmother was terrible to her so that definitely accounts for her behavior, but it upsets me that she didn’t want to be a better mother than her own mother. However, I was raised by my dad who is an amazing man and I’m very thankful for him. My mother stopped travel nursing and came back to live in the area when I was in middle school, so she has been around, but I rarely see her. I would spend some weekends with her when I was younger, but it seemed like it was only for her benefit because she would have me mostly clean for her and wouldn’t spend quality time with me. Therefore, I am rightfully angry with her, but I don’t let it take over my everyday life luckily. I’ve just learned from her behavior and know how much better I want to be with my future children. Also, I feel as though my fear of making mistakes stems back to my childhood and my mother because I don’t want to be anything like her (just a guess though).
Christina
January 27, 2019 at 2:07 pm #277255ChristinaParticipantHi everyone,
It’s been almost a month since the incident I shared with you all, and I am still not finding peace from it all. It’s eating me up inside, and I don’t know why I can’t let it go. About a week ago, I felt fine and wasn’t thinking about it at all, but when I visited my boyfriend last weekend and had to see his roommate again, it triggered the feelings again. As I mentioned before, my boyfriend didn’t seem to care about the peck because he knew it wasn’t sexual or ill-intentioned, but I’m scared he doesn’t trust me even though he says he does. Last weekend we were at a party with his medical school friends, and he got jealous over something, which never happens (I’m usually the jealous one), which really upset me. I’m scared that me giving his friend a peck on the ear has made him not trust me. I asked him if he trusts me, and he says that he does but I just worry. I wish I could just forget all about the incident and move on from it but I can’t. I feel like such a terrible person because my lips touched someone else (even if it was an ear), and I’m scared our relationship will be changed forever from it. Do you think it’s possible for things to go back to normal? It seems like things are fine on my boyfriend’s end except that little bit of jealousy, but I can’t seem to forgive myself. Why do I feel like a cheater when I didn’t mean anything by it? The word “cheater” is haunting me, and whenever I see it, I think “oh that’s me,” but I would never do that to my boyfriend and I didn’t think giving his friend a peck on the cheek/ear meant anything in the moment. I did it to be nice, and now I am paying for my actions. Am I just overthinking too much? I have always been a big overthinker, it’s terrible. One moment I’m laughing it off and tell myself you’re freaking out over kissing an ear, and then other times I feel so depressed over it. It’s okay if none of you know what to say, but I just had to let this all out. Thank you for taking the time to read it if you do.
~Christina
January 27, 2019 at 2:44 pm #277271AnonymousGuestDear Christina:
I wasn’t aware of your post of Jan 14 until a few moments ago. Sometimes members post and the new post does not reflect under the list of topics.
I read your note to me and I understand that your mother was absent from your life during the great majority of your childhood, therefore she was your biological mother but not a mother in practice. Your father is the one who raised you, he was your parent in-practice.
I am sorry the kiss-on-the-ear incident is bother you again. Maybe the fact that it bothers you has something to do with what you wrote in parenthesis: “(I’m usually the jealous one)”- would you like to elaborate on this little sentence?
* I will be away from the computer soon for the next fifteen hours.
anita
January 27, 2019 at 2:54 pm #277279ChristinaParticipantDear Anita,
No worries! Yes, you got it.
About me being the jealous one: I notice little things about my boyfriend, I’m very observant. When he looks/stares at girls, I always notice, and it bothers me and sometimes I make it known. I also just get jealous over little things like “likes” on social media, but I don’t make them known. I feel like a little bit of jealousy is normal in a relationship; I definitely don’t let it impact our relationship. The fact that he was acting jealous over something last weekend really upset me because he usually is never like that, so I automatically assumed it was because of the kiss-on-the-ear incident. Ever since he showed a tinge of jealousy and assumed something that wasn’t true, it was eye-opening. When I am that way towards him, I think nothing of it, but once I was in his shoes, it really stung. Now I know how he feels when I accuse him of things or assume what he’s feeling, so I don’t want to ever make him feel that way. I’m scared that the peck on the ear thing is going to make him always jealous about things, which terrifies me because I don’t ever want him to feel insecure.
Christina
January 28, 2019 at 7:54 am #277339AnonymousGuestDear Christina:
Your significant concern and distress over the kiss-on-the-ear incident suggests to me that there is a deeper issue. I asked about your jealousy as one attempt to look deeper. Here is another attempt, and feel free to answer me or not: will you tell me about your relationship as a child with your father, and now?
The relationships most powerful in our lives is the ones with the adults present during our childhoods. Because it is your father who was present, not your mother, I ask you about your father.
anita
January 28, 2019 at 11:39 am #277391ChristinaParticipantHi Anita,
I don’t mind answering that at all. Growing up, my father and I were very close, and I could go to him for anything. I had a step mom and step sisters in the picture for 6 years, and during that time, I didn’t have all of my dad’s attention anymore, which didn’t really bother me. My dad and step mom split up about 8 years ago, and my dad has been single ever since. I am still very close with my dad, and I think we have a great relationship. I don’t think there is really a deep-rooted issue regarding this. I just feel so guilty for what I did, even though I didn’t mean any harm in the moment, and I can’t stop beating myself up over it. It makes me nauseous thinking I could ever hurt my boyfriend unintentionally.
~Christina
January 28, 2019 at 12:34 pm #277399
KatieParticipantHi Christina,
I think sometimes for whatever reason, we have a hard time allowing ourselves to just be happy and realize that things are GOOD. You didn’t cheat on your boyfriend, but you continue to tell yourself that you did. Almost trying to convince yourself of something that really didn’t even happen. I think you need to take control of the narrative that you keep telling yourself. Maybe instead of telling yourself that you did something so terrible even though you didn’t intend anything bad by it and ohhh you feel so guilty over it, try telling yourself something like “for some reason this is creating a lot of conflict in me but I am not going to let it effect my relationship any more than it already has”. To continue to beat yourself up for it and read things into your boyfriend’s actions, you are giving that innocent peck way more power than it deserves. I think it’s also important to trust your boyfriend here. He is not bothered by it, you need to trust that he is being truthful with you in that regard and trust that he is mature enough to have seen it for what it was – nothing to be bothered by.
I am a recovering overthinker myself and know how frustrating it can be! I wish you peace over this,
Katie
January 28, 2019 at 1:20 pm #277407ChristinaParticipantHi Katie,
From a fellow over thinker, thank you SO much for that. I am so thankful to have this outlet to vent to or else I would go crazy. I really am trying to convince myself that I’m a cheater, and I keep putting myself down. One minute, I’ll be positive about it all and tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong really, but I always retreat into this pit of despair, to the point where I can’t eat or sleep. I analyze the situation over and over again, replaying it in my head and wonder if I actually did mean something by it (but I know I didn’t). I feel like I am going crazy over it, and it’s really scary. You mentioned how you are a recovering over-thinker..how did you overcome it? My overthinking has negatively impacted my relationship in other instances, and I don’t want it to ruin it over this. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
~Christina
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This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by
Christina.
January 28, 2019 at 1:41 pm #277413KatieParticipantHi Christina,
I can appreciate what you wrote. Anxiety sucks, and I think this overthinking tendency is probably a symptom of that. Or other way around, I am not sure? Either way, they’re related for sure. Our monkey brains trying to see a threat where there is none.
It’s not a great answer, but I think getting older has played a huge part in helping me overcome it (although it still presents itself sometimes!). You said you’re a jr in college so I’m guessing you’re probably 21-ish. I’m 34 so have several years on you. I think noticing patterns and how they’re not working for you is the first step in making changes. I realized I was only making myself miserable and while I do still struggle with getting down in the dumps and overthinking at times, I made the decision to talk to myself as I would my best friend and not an enemy. This change in my perception has definitely made a big difference. Also the realization that we only get one of these lives and I want to enjoy it. Sounds simple, and it really is…but maybe not easy all the time. I’m sorry I can’t give you more concrete advice…I would say to just be patient, kind and loving with yourself. I also get tired of wasting precious time and energy ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. Your mindset really can change with practice. And patience. Brene Brown’s books (The Gifts of Imperfection in particular) have also been a big help. I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t still struggle, but I think the most important thing is learning to forgive yourself and move on when you do. You deserve happiness, you really do <3
January 28, 2019 at 1:50 pm #277415AnonymousGuestDear Christina:
You wrote that you and your father were very close, then entered into your life and your home a step mother and step sisters. For long six years (six years is a long, long time for a child), you didn’t have all of your father’s attention anymore, “which didn’t really bother me”, you wrote.
Can you tell me what you mean by it not bothering you, do you remember what thoughts went through your young brain at the time when you noticed that his attention that was once yours, was then elsewhere?
And what was your relationship with your step mother, did you try to get her attention, to get her to love you?
anita
January 28, 2019 at 2:51 pm #277437ChristinaParticipantKatie,
From what it sounds like, it will just take time and maturity to get better at not overthinking. I appreciate your tips, and I’m going to try to put them to use. Also, thank you so much for the book recommendation. I am actually in my first year out of college now (22 y.o.) and working, so I need something to keep me busy when I have free time. I will definitely look into giving that a read. Thank you so much again for your input and for understanding where I’m coming from; it’s nice to know I am not alone! I’m hoping that within the next few weeks, the thoughts will start to go away and I can start to move on from it all. I know that what I did was innocent, so I just need to keep reminding myself that and try not to replay the situation in my head because then that just leads to the bad thoughts again.
~Christina
January 28, 2019 at 2:55 pm #277441ChristinaParticipantAnita,
When my step mom and step sisters entered into my life, my dad’s attention was not solely on me anymore, especially because my step sisters caused a lot of issues and stress in the household. However, I don’t remember really being jealous of this change.
In regards to my step mom, she was good to me for the most part and took on the mother role that my own mother failed to do. However, we did not really get along, and it might have been because deep down I was jealous that I had to share my dad’s attention with her. I didn’t realize that when I was younger, but it makes more sense to me now.
Christina
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