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How do I know if I'm making a mistake?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #45816
    jennifer
    Participant

    I just broke up with my significant other today, and here’s why:

    1. I’ve been unsure about our relationship for about two months (more or less) now. We agreed to work on the relationship, but no matter what we did, the same doubt bubbled back to the surface. I thought I was just afraid of commitment, but I started thinking that I was merely afraid of committing to him.
    2. I’ve fallen for a friend and he feels the same. I can talk to this friend, about anything at any time. In the relationship I was just in, I could talk about anything without the fear of being judged, but I couldn’t just casually converse about anything I desired. I’m a very philosophical person with a longing for intellectual stimulation. I like to debate, learn, discuss and philosophize with people, and I couldn’t get past a dull conversation of the day’s happenings, what we ate or what we think of people. I like to discuss ideas, contemplations, and wisdoms, and it seems we only have these conversations somewhat when we’ve been drinking. I don’t want to rely on alcohol to connect with my significant other. My friend and I talk 24/7 about all and everything, whenever.
    3. Although we don’t fight, and the relationship would be considered “perfect” in every other sense, I feel dissatisfied and I’m not COMPLETELY sure why. I get bored, irritated and grouchy after only a couple days of spending time with him. I don’t feel a desire to have sexual relations most of the time and I’m constantly physically attracted to others, to the point where I get irresistible urges to make a move on someone else. And I actually did kiss someone else once (we discussed this and got over it quickly).
    4. It’s hard to reach him. He doesn’t talk about his past. He hides his real feelings a lot, and I can tell when he wears a facade. We talk about the future sometimes, but hardly the past, and I’m never quite sure if he’s showing me his true emotional self or if he’s constantly masking it as a defense mechanism.

    Here’s why I don’t know if I made the right decision:

    1. He’s the most accepting, understanding, caring, and considerate guy I’ve ever been with. We never fight, and we get through things with ease.
    2. I feel like I’m being selfish, and not accepting enough.
    3. I feel completely heartbroken and torn about breaking up with him. I almost feel like I want to go back and take the negatives, but I could just be dug too deep in a subjective perspective.
    4. The friend I’ve fallen for lives 2 1/2 hours away. We talk on the phone for hours, and he said he’d visit me often, but it’s just a sticky situation. But he seems to be a better match for me. He supports me more and is ALWAYS there for me, and we’re very open with each other.

    Did I make the right decision? Am I over-thinking? Should I face fear and give my friend a chance?
    Should I go back where I know I’m loved, accepted, and comfortable?? What if, what if, what if.

    #45817
    Helen
    Participant

    Jennifer,

    Really your heart knows what is best, and if you calm yourself down, you’ll find the answer. If you’ve had the feeling that the relationship just isn’t right, especially if you feel it in your gut, then you most certainly made the right decision today. So you want a partner to intellectually stimulate you and that you’re physically attracted to? That’s perfectly fine. The man that you were with sounds like the kind of man that would actually be nice to settle down with. He seems like a really nice guy, but you crave more, and therefore you should go out and look for more. Don’t settle, if you feel that it is not right. The fact that you don’t fight, in fact it seems that he is TOO much of an understanding guy. Fights are healthy for a relationship, however it varies by how long it takes for a couple to actually have their first fight. How long were you in a relationship with him? And also have you two ever disagreed on anything at all in the past, and in that scenario might he have been too compromising? He might be putting up a defense mechanism, perhaps he had a horrible past and he just wants to focus on the present and the future. That’s fine, but eventually he would have to open up about something, even if it’s a situation in the present. He’s never brought up anything emotional? If you feel like your friend is much more supporting of you and is there for you more than your ex, then perhaps he is a good match for you. However, it might be a case of you two are just good as friends and not as lovers. That’s something for you two to figure out. You ended your post with “Should I go back where I know I’m loved, accepted, and comfortable?? What if, what if, what if.” I have a couple things to say about that.

    1. The fact that you felt loved, accepted, and comfortable, is ideal for a relationship. In fact it’s what many people want in a relationship. It seems to me though that you crave a little more excitement, and that’s perfectly fine. So ask yourself, in the long-run, would you prefer comfort or excitement? Hopefully you could find someone, though, that provides both.

    2. Stop with the what ifs, perhaps you are overthinking this. The thing is you made your decision, you broke up with him. It’s probably best to just move on now. How do you know he’ll take you back if you go back to him?

    3. Be careful if you are searching for excitement. You might already know this, depending on how old you are, but often guys who offer excitement aren’t exactly the most pleasant guys. Just don’t get yourself in a bad situation with a less respectable man.

    I hope I helped out,

    Best wishes,

    Helen xoxo

    #53441
    Bluesses
    Participant

    Hi Jennifer,

    I’m going through a very similar situation right now and I’d like to know what your final decision was and what the drivers/motivations were for that decision.

    #53444
    cherrymom
    Participant

    Wow Jennifer you just mirrored so much of what I went through yesterday! Every situation is different. My situation boiled down to as much as we kept trying to make it work, he didn’t feel I connected with him on the intellectual level he needed, and I didn’t feel he connected with me on the emotional level I needed. It was heartbreaking, because on every other level we are a perfect match. But without meeting those additional needs… without it being a true fit… we would be destined to keep repeating the same cycle (which we did 3 times already) where we would start out close & he would end up withdrawing, leaving me feeling upset, shut out, and unloved. All the wishful thinking and trying in the world wasn’t going to fix our issues. Sometimes that’s just life. At least we had the foresight to each look inward and really not only try to understand what the issue was that was holding us back and making us repeat these patterns, but to also talk about it openly and calmly. I swear that was my best breakup ever, as much as it hurt. I had wished so hard for so long that the missing piece would just fall into place.

    I hope you find your peace and that you are able to move forward in the way that is best for you both.

    #53447
    Jade
    Participant

    Your post reminded me of a lovely editorial I once read about ending relationships. You can read it here: http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

    The takeaway message from this article: wanting to leave is enough. 🙂

    #57234
    yen
    Participant

    I think you should give yourself and your ex a chance to explore other people/other loves. Letting go is an act of love.

    #185313
    Alexis
    Participant

    Wait a minute so part of why you want to break up is because he is reserved? But you’ve been talking to and catching feelings for another man that you plan to leave him for. … if that’s truly how things are then for both of your sakes break up. You’ve already shown you can move on at this point you need to think of him and the best way to let him down easy. I understand not wanting to tell go but you’ve clearly done so a while ago. And the guy your with sounds like a great guy just not your soulmate he deserves a change to move on and find love again as well.

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