How do you breakup with someone?

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    Ive never been in this position. Some time ago I wrote on here about a man I was in a complete crush on. He was the guy at work that seemed to have a chip on his shoulder and was a manly looking guy that had to deal with his own mental health issues. Having Schizohrenia had meant that he too was living with his parents in his early 30s and things like that. I could relate – although I had social phobia and bdd. I had an issue where he would flirt with me and then leave me alone for months. Where he would invite me over to his place for a night of innocence of watching films and sleeping on the couch (which was a biggy for me to stay over a guy’s place) and have a laugh etc. But then 5 months would pass and I would see him at work and he wouldnt be interested in me and more in his own mind and himself and totally ignore me at work.

    Back then, with no real experience of men, I thought it was all me. I had one of the most liberating and growing times of my life, trying to get his attention and learning all about attraction and communication and then finally self love- which is when he actually asked me out. When I finally realised that it was toxic of me to crave his validity and to want to feel attractive- I realised I could feel those things myself.

    But I ended up going out with him. That was almost a year ago then. And the whole adventure has had an underlay of not right feeling the entire time. He has odd behaviour like me having to pay for him to go to the pictures when we first went out- and pay for meals out and also use my car all of the time rather than his. He has no money at all really, altho he gets the pension. Out of the kindness of my heart, I did a lot without thinking about it, without realising really. I come from a codependence with my deaf mother.

    I’ve never really felt like the girl in the relationship – I’m the one who does the initiation of activities, or just about anything. He cannot help himself. He has hardly no hobbies other than to do his guitar music every now and then. And just hang out in his room doing nothing. He has no job and doesnt even look for any. He lives in his parents double garage.

    He thinks he has a future with me and is very loyal and devoted to me like I am his world. He loves coming over to my place as its 5 acres and animals around and a view. He talks about having kids with me casually every now and then and about when we get old etc..

    He hasnt the abiltiy to really plan things – and becomes so fleeting with even the smallest responsibility. He is very unhealthy too., he is a strong smoker and has breathing issues in general where he holds his breath all the time among other things. He was into the drug scene too- which I didn’t even really know a thing about in my naivety. Up until he got fired from my work ( dont really know why), he was using $100 almost every week or fortnight to pay for the ice drug. Which I realise now, was why he would ignore me at work.

    He still uses this stuff once a month or so when his friend comes down for a night of jamming with the guitar. And he tells me.

    But the thing is that he is just not for me. He lacks any of the values that I hold- be it he wouldn’t even know what his are- and wouldn’t even be bothered to find out. He has no energy to do anything and lacks attention span too.

    Most nights he wants to go to bed at 7:30 -8:30 and it sux. I can’t even hold a conversation with him unless I am talking immaturely really or basically. He has to go to the doctor every fortnight to get a jab of Risperdal which is a strong anti-psychotic.

    Most of the time, he is in a daze and he is always smoking and pacing and in his own world.  He always wants to be with me though, having to spend every night with me despite him going to bed early. Ive had no real way of being independent until now where I have put my foot down and been assertive a bit.

    Yet, for me to spend time doing my hobbies – he is left at his place doing generally nothing. He lacks any self-development to create his own hobbies. Everything he does is the same routine. There is nothing new. And it’s so depressing and disappointing. And I just cannot be his saviour anymore.

    He has nothing to really give me in terms of maturely fitting my needs for a relationship and he just doesn’t know it. There has been a huge imbalance with us too. I give him a phone for his bday and he gives me $3.00 worth of soft baby toys for mine.. thinking that I am a lucky lady. lol

    He would always and still does want to spend time with me and give me no time for reflection and my own time. I would always be making my tea quickly to head over to his after a long day at work and be rushing – only to get to his place and he would just be sitting on his computer looking at his millions of selfies or his facebook page and basically ignore me the entire time. I would come away again and again again feeling so disappointed. Im so over it now.

    And yet he would turn up in the morning if I happened to stay at home without him for once- He would come about 8am and turn up – just when I am getting ready for work.

    And his responsibilities- of coming over during tea time at my place. When my parents are having tea and im making my tea. Without any plans of what he is going to have. Ive had to completely make up for that bu buying food for him to put in the kitchen so that he wont eat my parents food. Because he literally just goes through the kitchen and takes what he wants and my parents are on a budget. And yet he doesnt think much of it. Until I had to tell him that is.

    And his knowledge of things, he lacks basic knowledge. He used to smoke dope for many years all of the time plus this ice thing for years too- I think it has shrunk his intelligence and knowledge of anything really. I am just always shrinking down and playing a role with him. His anti-psychosis drug from the doctor luckily counteracts any pyschosis.

    He has admitted to a psych ward 7 years ago and even his sister has been admitted too. I just don’t want a family with him, and I just feel like his family are completely not what I want in my life.

    I know I am complaining, but its so hard. Because he has changed so much for the better with me, and I am his world atm. He has no idea how I feel. He thinks its all good and gets even better all the time. A years anniversary is coming up too.

    I am worried that he just won’t be able to cope by breaking up with him and I have no idea how to even do it. I jsut want the best for him, want him to improve his life and everything. But he doesn’t help improve mine- he has brought good things to me, but I am withholding all of what makes me ‘me’ to be with him all the time.

    Before he got detained into the mental ward in 2010, he thought that he was murdering or going to murder people. A girl he liked that shrugged him off and other people. He had  in his room before he changed it, a big collection of real life murder books. He listens and plays heavy metal and loves that film American Pyscho. He even says that he thinks he has a bit of psychopath streak in him. And he gets obsessed with Facebook and spends a lot of time looking at people’s profile pictures thinking they are mocking him with their expressions and so he has to block them.

    We just dont fit. I am a vegan, who loves raw food. My biggest value is health and I like conscious living and self-development and all that. We just are so different. And its a toxic relationship. Even though he has done so much as he can for me and is very open and sincere with me, very loyal and repsonds when I complain about something.

    But how do I break up with someone who thinks that he has the rest of his life with me and that has nothing else in his life really but me and has schizophrenia.?





    Dear Karene:

    Welcome back! Good to read from you again.

    I read your detailed account of your relationship with this man, and remember details from previous threads.

    You wrote: “I just cannot be his saviour anymore”- unfortunately, you didn’t save him, you haven’t been his savior so far and you can’t be. It is not within your power. He is still as limited and dysfunctional as he has been before. I am sure he experiences moments of comfort, contentment, maybe joy with you, but those are moments in time, while his life continues to be, as you so thoroughly described, limited and dysfunctional.

    Before I attempt answering the questions at the end of your post, I ask:

    1. So far, there has been an emotional payoff for you, a good-feeling you enjoyed in being in this one year relationship with him. Can you describe that payoff?

    2. Are you afraid that if you break up with him, he will become criminally aggressive toward people, because of his interest in murder stories?



    Hi Karene…

    Anita’s second question is paramount in considering your question of “how do I break up with someone who thinks that he has the rest of his life with me and that has nothing else in his life really but me and has schizophrenia.?” The two of you are complete opposites and at one end of that spectrum is his history. There is 100% truth in what Anita said-“unfortunately, you didn’t save him, you haven’t been his savior so far and you can’t be. It is not within your power. He is still as limited and dysfunctional as he has been before.” Karene I cannot say this in a gentle way, but because of his history, his schizophrenic diagnosis, especially him talking murder, this is a very dangerous situation you are in and it is paramount that you find a way to break up with him. You will have to take a strong, and I cannot emphasize that word enough, a strong initiative to do so. When he speak of “He thinks he has a future with me and is very loyal and devoted to me like I am his world. He loves coming over to my place as its 5 acres and animals around and a view. He talks about having kids with me casually every now and then and about when we get old etc..” how can you be sure whether or not he is not in a schizophrenic mode? Everything that you describe about his personality and behaviors speak manipulation, at the very least. You have a very healthy outlook on life and it seems as though you have a wonderful plan for you. This type of personality will drag you down in an instant and think nothing of it. I suggest a couple of things. Get educated on restraining orders. I sense that it will come to that. Next,I suggest that you email him that you feel your relationship will not work, that you are moving on, and wish him well. I do not suggest telling him in person for your safety. Schizophrenic personalities are very unpredictable. Do not allow him to take control of your decision. Should he go into a violent, abusive tirade, do not get into it. Just be clear that your decision to move on is what you want. At that point I would highly suggest a restraining order. This is nothing to mess with.

    Please do let me know how you are doing.



    hi Karene,

    First permit me to agree with both Anita and Pearce’s responses; I believe you should take them to heart and strive to answer Anita’s 2 questions, and indeed, do bone up on understanding the process for getting a Restraining Order (aka., Order of Protection).

    In reading your post, I sense that you may be feeling some guilt about the prospect of leaving this man that needs to be addressed.  I also believe you know in your head why feeling guilty about ending this relationship is irrational.  After all, how can a person feel guilty for wanting out of a toxic relationship?

    But the heart feels what it feels and it has to be addressed, and that’s the only point I want to emphasize with you Karene.  There are tons of techniques that can be uncovered in simple research that will help in putting feelings of guilt in their proper perspective.  Whether you make that a pre or a post-breakup activity is up to you; I suggest that it be tackled quickly.

    I look forward to seeing how this turns out Karene.




    Hi Karene,

    I am new on here, and see that you have gotten some great replies. I just had to break-up with someone myself, and it was one of the most painful things I have had to do. I won’t make this a long reply, just seeing if you are okay, and if you still needed to talk about anything. I hope you are okay.

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