how do you look after yourself

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 28, 2015 at 2:04 am #84263

Sann
Participant

There are some threads here about what things you enjoy, help you to relax, make you happy, etc.
I am just starting to learn which things are good for me. And trying to learn to actually do them, make them for them and do it for a while.
I always seem to forget it, that i can spend time doing these things that are good for me, that i don’t have to run away from it as soon as i start.

In times that i didn’t have work, it was easier, then i have the whole day for me, and i organise it more in function of what is good for me. Then i still often lost a lot of time of the day, wasting my time doing nothing, but there was time with doing things for me.
Now i’m working – and hopefully i’ll be doing that for a while, and then it seems difficult to keep doing those things. Especially now, since a few months i’m quite stressed related to housing issues and my colleague that’s bullying me, i don’t manage to relax anymore.

I am quite good in thinking about it: i should do this, this happens because of that, this was not helpful..
But all that thinking doesn’t help. I think i should just do it, just make time and actually do it, do these things that help me to relax. I only seem to keep thinking about it. Or writing about it on forums. Or i phone to these helplines, to talk about my problems. That can be good sometimes, there are often people with a lot of understanding who actually listen. But i think it would be a lot better if i just learn to look after myself, instead of always looking for the answers to other people.

But just to take the action, that seems to be so hard, it often just doesn’t happen.
It almost looks as if i want to keep myself in the stress instead of relaxing.
Perhaps i feel that i stay more in control, if i stay in the same mood instead of helping myself to get into an other, healthier mood.

Don’t know if anybody recognises this, and has any experience or advice to share?

September 28, 2015 at 3:03 am #84264
jock
Participant
I’m in the process of getting a life outside work which includes the following:

-swimming
-cycling
-walking
-playing guitar
-learning new songs from youtube on guitar
-reading biographies eg. famous people like Gandhi
-attend public speaking club once a week
-taking dog for a walk
-morning meditation of 20 minutes

Internet forums can consume me its true. Like an addiction. I try to limit to 1hour a day now.

Balance is the key.
But expressing myself on a forum is a good thing. It cleans out the cobwebs in my mind, which meditation misses.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by jock.
September 28, 2015 at 7:23 am #84270

Anonymous
Inactive

ah the old ‘should’ complex. That’s the best way to put yourself up an obstacle and then feel bad for not doing what you ‘should’ be doing

My friends and I have banned the word SHOULD from our vocabulary. Honest – we now say COULD

I COULD do this and I COULD do that and suddenly it’s a choice and if you do it – yey and if you don’t it’s because you chose another option.

I relate. Stupid things. I do do things that are just for me – having a bath in the middle of the day even though I’m clean -just for nothing. Taking a newspaper to the pub to sit quietly with a pint. walking a different way to work just to prove they can’t control me. haha

I too do the procrastination thing and I’ve adopted a secondary motto: shall I.. shall I just do it now? come on girl, let’s just do it now. and I feel an immense feeling of pride that I did that thing – could even be as useless as I dunno = putting a picture up on the wall. other times I’ll walk past it so many times I stop seeing it.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking things and thinking things – forgive yourself mate – just up the ante a wee dot. Shall I.,, shall I just do it now? and if you say to yourself =- NO then you chose that and that’s because you COULD. it takes the pressure off

as for the bullying colleague – what’s that about? try the charm offensive – that’ll really tick em off!

September 28, 2015 at 8:31 am #84285

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sann:

A couple of things that came to my mind as I read your post:

1) “learn to look after myself, instead of always looking for the answers to other people.” I like that: the answers really are in you. You are the best one to answer your questions. Not others. Great freedom and sense of empowerment once you view your own self as the authority figure in your own life, the authority to answer your own questions better than anyone else.

2) “It almost looks as if i want to keep myself in the stress instead of relaxing.” I am recognizing this in myself: I used to be afraid to relax, very uncomfortable about relaxing. I kept myself stressed as if that was the best way to be: always ready for danger, for an attack. It was as if I relax, I will not be ready to defend myself when attacked next. And an attack was… always around the corner (first in reality, then in my mind but not in reality).

anita

September 28, 2015 at 6:03 pm #84349

jock
Participant

I like that: the answers really are in you. You are the best one to answer your questions. Not others. Great freedom and sense of empowerment once you view your own self as the authority figure in your own life, the authority to answer your own questions better than anyone else.

I think you would advise me to do the same, Anita.
Still sometimes doubt leads us to a more satisfying answer, finally, after a long time.

October 8, 2015 at 2:45 pm #85090
Sann
Participant
Hi all,

Thanks a lot for your replies.

I realise it’s about self-sabotaging, not doing things that are good for me and that way keep myself being stressed and not in control.
It will be work to change that, but i will do it. And give it the time that I need.
Thank you for the input.

Jack, you remind me of a few things, that might be good for me as well.

Caroline, i’m not sure about the shoulds. I think instead it’s more ‘need’. If i say ‘could’, i make it still very optional, while it’s actually a necessity. Perhaps it’s more like eating, or getting proper sleep, or getting up in the morning. We don’t say, i could eat, but we need to eat, if we want to stay healthy. And equally, it’s not a good idea to voluntarily creating lack of sleep, if we want to function well. I think this is similar, just to take some time each day to do something nourishing, like reading (something important for me, but i barely do it, am so frustrated about it), i don’t want to make it optional, it’s something i need in order to be relaxed and happy, so i will work towards making it integrated in my days. Something that is normal, instead of something that i have to fight hard for, and do a lot of effort because i believe i don’t have the right to do these things.

What do you mean with the charm offensive?

Anita,
Wow, a lot of recognition to what you say.
Thank you.
1) The authority figure is yourself. Yes, and how many of us are giving our own power away to others the whole time. Yesterday my therapist said something like, as long as you don’t believe that you are able to do this or that, there will be something in yourself blocking you from doing it. I think it’s the same, we need confidence to give ourselves the power. As long as i tell myself that other people know it better than me, know more than me, i won’t have the confidence that i am in charge of my life and to know it. I don’t know how to find that confidence, but i actually think, i will get there.

2) Wow, thank you for the recognition. Not that i’m happy that you recognise that, because it’s not a very healthy habit.
I relate to what you are saying, always expecting an attack, while the attack is usually in our mind, that it is going to happen. And it is so funny, the best way to be able to defend us IF there would come an attack, is by relaxing and being happy. Then everything will just come by itself and we don’t need to be ready.

Thank you.

I realise now, this is a very strong pattern, built up over many years within me, always being occupied with how i come across to other people. This will take time to change it. I don’t know exactly how, but i will get there 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Sann.
October 8, 2015 at 4:35 pm #85093

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sann:

I like your latest post and how positive you are. This stuff is not easy because fear is real and it is a powerful force. It takes extreme patience with ourselves to change behaviors, habits. But I owe it to myself, and you, Sann, owe it to yourself to indeed place yourself as the authority figure in your life, to respect yourself that much.

There is a song that says: “I did it MY way.” You get self respect when you do it your way. When you place yourself in position as importance and relevance in your OWN life. There is the sense of power.

A little power at a time, patience, more patience, gentleness with yourself, and a little something that you do differently, a small thing… a tiny thing, feel that power when you do that little thing that is respectful to yourself, just that one little thing… please write again… and again, Sann.

anita
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