Hi B,

It takes time to develop close bonds with anyone. Lots of time spent together sharing life experiences and finding out if yours and their values mesh in enough ways for your friendship to become closer. I’m a single woman without children in my late 60s and it isn’t any easier than it was earlier in life. I live to high standards myself and find that I expect too much of others. I’m trying to keep my standards high for myself but lowering them for other people. That being said, I have allowed a lot of toxicity in my life because that was my comfort zone. That’s what home was for me. I’ve only lived where i do for 5 years now and have pleasant acquaintances with some of my nieghbours.
I belong to a 12 Step group and have friendly relationships there too but nobody here that I truly love or who loves me. My closest friends all live far away and there isn’t any family either. I’ve had to be my own best friend, try out friendship with others but, frankly, I’m just not that good at it. I just ended a three year ” friendship” which went on too long. My friend was always putting me down, arguing with me over the dumbest things and showing jealousy at my successes. Who needs that? I’m a passionate activist for animals and another women I had been getting close to decided to treat herself to a lobster and cook it live. That was the end of that. Knowing she was capable of such cruelty I just don’t want to know her. That’s what I meant about having similar values.
I met a nice group of women when I was volunteering for the SPCA. Out of the three there are two that I feel could be good friends. One is caring and supportive, the other is a busy single mother back at school but there’s enough there to build on I feel. I’ve met my share of bad people, some very, very bad and I had to come to realize that I just don’t see the red flags. Another old friend told me it’s not that I don’t see them but I run right past them. I intend to be very cautious in the future. As for the manipulators, as soon as you recognize the behavior, just walk away. I’ve found that I don’t have to say anything. I’m just too busy to see anyone I don’t want to see..
I hope this has been of some use to you. It’s clarified things for myself. Let me know how you feel about what I’ve said.
All the very best in 2014, Lyla

I think there are three kinds of “friends”.

1) The friends that aren’t really friend per se, more like close acquaintances, this is where I think most people are these days, they need constant taking care of, making time for etc… the kind of people that will forget you if you don’t talk to them for long enough. Unfortunately I think today this is what is considered a “friend” in general. They’ll also be fine with manipulating you because they don’t really feel like they have any special connection, just someone you go out drinking with is every Sunday is NOT friendship.

2) Real friends that are always happy to go out and do something with you because they actually like you as a person, not because of the amount of time spent together, it’s based more on how open you are with each other. Friends that you have an intimacy with because they know they can talk to you about anything and you can talk to them about anything, it’s a friendship with mutual trust and openness. If you’re afraid of opening up, or the other person isn’t particularly open or doesn’t feel like they particularly connect with you then it’s just not going to happen. On the other hand you can make these kinds of friends in 10 minutes or 10 months (some people simply take longer) but the point is some people you just “click” with. If you both hear the click in the first 5 minutes of a conversation then you’re already friends, sometimes you just know.

and finally 3) True friendship that’s closer to brother/sister feelings or love, they’re the people who you have gone through a lot with together, you’ve adventured together into the unknown and came out of it together. This is that person you meet on an uninhabited island and survived through trust and teamwork, or you’ve just had to walk home for 6 hours and both your legs are sore and they’re the only other person to talk to. Point is these are the people you’ve shared experiences and struggles with. It doesn’t matter if you talk to them every day or you don’t see them for 30 years, next time you see them you’ll still be the best kinds of friends. This is also I suppose the hardest bond to form because you have to actually go have an adventure of some kind.

So how to make an amazing friend? Find someone you click with and then go on an adventure together. =]

Sounds like you’re having fun. =]

I don’t think it’s necessarily patience and time (although that plays into it) as much as being okay with taking chances. Like I said before some things just happen in 5 minutes, some things in 5 years. Neither is necessarily better or worse in my opinion.

Also consider giving people a go that you might not have even realised are there, or just wouldn’t normally. Like that one quiet person in the background everyone ignores, you might find out they’re actually very interesting, just not as socially dominating as others or if you keep hanging around business types why not go talk to some artists, or vice versa.

You might also find certain groups of people have similar ideas to friendship as you, that makes it easier to click with them. For example business people might be good socially but cold to the notion of actually being friends with anyone whereas creative types like forming stronger bonds. Just stereotyping here but you know what I mean. 😉

Well sometimes people just don’t feel like talking but yeah I agree with all of this. Creative careers can also be very competitive and stressful so jealousy is kind of understandable, but even then it shouldn’t stop you from being a decent human being, shouldn’t control you. Maybe they’ll understand that later on.

B.Bells, you sound like a kind and caring person. It’s not uncommon though to fall pray to manipulators, you certainly aren’t alone.
the most useful advice i can give is based on what I discovered personally; it’s that when I’m unsure of myself, i tend to look for security in the clarity of others. If I’m not sure what to do, well, it’s safe to be around someone who is.
What i’ve discovered though is that this behavior usually comes from a lack of beleif in myself. Working on building unshakable confidence and self-esteem will change the entire energy you radiate to the world. you won’t need to “keep” anyone at bay because you’ll stop “attracting” those kind of people into your life.
A great first step to building more self-esteem is to accept when you’ve made a mistake and not get angry at yourself for doing it. Instead, give yourself the freedom to be human and let go of your mistakes accept yourself wholeheartedly.
Next, spend some time imagining yourself doing things that are outside of your comfort zone, things you might be afraid or self-conscious of doing. Even just imagining yourself doing them builds self-esteem, but actually starting to do new some of them in real life will change how you see yourself.
I beelvie that everything starts with self-esteem and I think you’ll be amazed at the new people you meet once you discover a little more of how awesome and how amazing you are.
Tremendous success to you! You deserve to be surrounded by amazing people!!