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how he is not miserable

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  • April 11, 2018 at 9:29 am #201787
    alyssa
    Participant

    So…I met my boyfriend Jan 2019, I was never the relationship type to get serious or open up about my past life (family dysfunction to the extreme)

    But he hooked me, he seemed compassionate, understanding, willing to work with me.

    We live about 2 hours apart, need to take a train to see each other. We have plans of moving in a few months when everything gets settled (Jobs/Enough Saved)

    Issue is, I’m finishing up school, he’s has a demanding job with opposite schedules.

    I just want surprise phone calls, or even scheduled, but when on the phone it be meaningful conversation (I’ve felt like this since day one) On FaceTime hell be playing video games, not really engaged and just making silly conversation.

    I feel like I could cry just writing this…

    I usually go and visit him because even with me having weekends off, he usually works until early evening, atleast we get sometime to spend together. But I know hate going there because of the roommates, I’m stuck in a room and it isn’t very relaxing, I can go out and do stuff but its boring/lonely sometimes. When he gets home he just wants to chill because, I get it, he just worked 11 hours…and the sex life is not exactly what I’m wanting these day…

    Everyday I get the “I love you I miss you” texts but they just don’t feel right anymore. I’m unhappy, and it makes me so sad to admit it. There are other factors that make me upset about our relationship like scheduling…funds/scheduling for traveling..romantic gestures..planning….Like I want him to do that…but am I supposed to just accept he’s busy with work and he’s tired so he and cannot do those things?

    Last visit we spent 2 whole days together, 3 half days ( he was working ) I bought some new clothes, undies…ya know I was trying to make it happen this time…and I was let down. we only had sex once. Dinners I feel like we don’t talk too much, just about how the food tastes. (crying as I’m writing this)

    HOW IS HE HAPPY AND LOVES ME? WHEN I’M SO UPSET ALL THE TIME!

    I want more, if I ask for more, or explain my sadness (usually once a month over text because i just snap) he FREAKS out says

    1) nothing I do is enough

    2) so disheartening to constantly hear this

    3) i’m a busy hard working adult

    4) never give me any credits

    so on and so forth

    I just don’t know whether to just give up or say I need : this this and that or I have to leave….

    April 11, 2018 at 9:42 am #201803
    alyssa
    Participant

    january 2017*

    April 11, 2018 at 9:58 am #201811
    Canyon
    Participant

    Sounds like he is unhappy with himself. I did something similar but now it is too late. She never even told me how unhappy she was… idk. I am sure he has something with him he isn’t seeing.

    April 11, 2018 at 10:59 am #201829
    alyssa
    Participant

    I try to get him to open up, I try to start meaningful conversations, it doesn’t really work.

    I’m just sad because I don’t want to end things…but this is killing me.

    April 11, 2018 at 11:09 am #201831
    Mark
    Participant

    alyssa,

    Your relationship is very, very new.  My guess is that you two spent very little time together face-to-face over these 4 months.  My take is that this relationship is not working and time to end it while it is still new.

    The differences in schedule/life style, in how you two communicate, what you want from the relationship and what he is not willing to give, the long distance between you two are all factors which is why this won’t work.

    Mark

    April 12, 2018 at 9:27 am #202019
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alyssa:

    The relationship started then Jan 2017. a year and three months going.

    In the beginning of your relationship, you opened up to him and you got good feedback from him  (“he hooked me, he seemed compassionate, understanding, willing to work with me”)- when did his compassion, understanding and willingness to work with you  end?

    anita

    April 12, 2018 at 9:32 am #202025
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    April 12, 2018 at 10:16 am #202041
    alyssa
    Participant

    Anita,

    i have been crying once a month since summertime. Usually about his inability to open up more when we have conversation rather than just say “I’m sorry and I’m here for you”

    its been tough since this January, me finishing up my degree and his demanding job schedule.

    this past Sunday night I was upset because I asked to FaceTime, he said yes after his show was over, then he responded with “babe I love you so much I can’t wait for us to be together again I’m falling asleep” and I FREAKED

    I take it as if he thinks he needs to gas my head up with text messages, when all I need is a quick phone call or FaceTime! I just want to hear it, I want to engage in meaningful convos even when we are away. We barely spoke until last night he apologized for being so busy and he feels bad about it and I said I’m ok with you being busy, we just need to talk about things to find a balance. And he responded with..uh ok sorry.

    I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to get. I’m second guessing everything, I put myself on medication because I think I’m the problem but I’m just not sure.

    April 12, 2018 at 10:20 am #202045
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alyssa:

    I understand your need for meaningful conversations. I need it too. I need to know (so  to understand better) did he in the past engage in meaningful conversations with you? If so when did those occur, when did they stop?

    anita

    April 12, 2018 at 10:24 am #202047
    alyssa
    Participant

    I’m not so sure to be honest. He may have but I was a different person 6 months-year-year 1/2 ago…for the better I might add. More afraid to open up and be vulnerable about real issues.

    April 12, 2018 at 10:32 am #202055
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alyssa:

    So he was never into meaningful-to you conversations? This leads me to think it hasn’t been his inclination to begin with, from the time you met him, from before you met him. Not something he is capable of.

    Back to your original post, you wrote in capital letters and an exclamation mark: “I AM SO UPSET ALL THE TIME!”-

    well, reads to me loud and clear that it is time for you to end this relationship, based on your loud and clear statement that you are upset all the time and based on what seems to be the fact that he doesn’t have it in him to have the kinds of conversations that you need from him.

    Is it time?

    anita

    April 12, 2018 at 10:37 am #202057
    alyssa
    Participant

    I don’t want it to have to end based on that. I don’t want to give up. I just wish I could say what I’m needing without him freaking out, and is work on this.

    April 12, 2018 at 11:14 am #202071
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alyssa:

    I will soon be away from the computer for about 16 hours. Perhaps there is a way to improve your relationship with your boyfriend, I don’t know. If you’d like to add any information that may be relevant, please do. I will read and reply when I am back.

    A thought: who do you have meaningful conversations with, or who have you had satisfactory conversations with, past and present?

    (I did not  attend to the trouble you have with his busy schedule, because there is nothing you can do about it, correct? I mean he needs to make the money he needs to make and working as many hours as he does, makes his need to unwind after work understandable).

    anita

    April 13, 2018 at 3:59 am #202193
    alyssa
    Participant

    I think I have meaningful conversations with my friends. My family tends to just talk badly about people rather than talking kindly about others, which is hard for me to deal with.

     

    My boyfriend confided in telling me that I am always negative, and it is hard for him to stay positive and talk to me when I’m rude/negative/giving an attitude towards him, he was very emotional about this an actually cried. I understand that I am that way, it is something I’ve always struggled with and I realize that the past 4 months I have probably been more negative since we are more apart and I am under high stress trying to finish my degree while balancing out all other life stressors. I understand now that for him he is trying to be positive about our situation while I am just nagging/focusing in on negatives/not appreciating the positive. Am I doing this because I am just a negative person or is it because I really am unhappy with him? I know that is a hard thing for you to answer but I am having a hard time differentiating…?

    April 13, 2018 at 4:42 am #202199
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alyssa:

    You asked if you are a negative person, “Nagging/focusing in on negatives”.

    You wrote about your family: “My family tends to just talk badly about people”-

    The two may be connected. Not that such inclination is hereditary. Maybe as they focused in on the negatives about other people, this is something you were trained to do, sort of having their voices in your brain pointing to negatives, ignoring the positives?

    anita

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