Menu

How long does the heartache last

HomeForumsRelationshipsHow long does the heartache last

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #41284
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am sorry I had to remove my earlier post, but in short, I discovered some messages on my Girlfriend ( i was deeply in love, planning a wedding next yr) of two years’ computer incriminating her of having an affair with a colleague, She denied it at first, then said it was an emotional affair, than admitted to kissing him twice.. all along apologizing and wanting to make things right, which at that time i thought was genuine, but my gut kept saying there has to be more.. this happened 3 months ago, since three months she showed remorse/guilt, crying and asking me to forgive her for that one kiss.. then the feelings she developed for him, trying to cover up the stories., She had to move far for work right after we separated and still kept in touch occasionally. However, I kept thinking may be we could work it out.. I was insistent on getting more answer and may have been emotionally abusive ( as pointed out by Matt) so I held back, gave her some space.. now its a month later of me backing off, she emails me that they had slept together, may be  multiple times during the last few months of our relationship.. and she couldnt face the truth prior.. I was being treated horribly when she had the affair, and she lied to my face when i asked her about the distance i felt between us during those months.. and I feel she did not respect me the last three months as well by lying to my face. I recd the email 5 minutes ago, and I replied to take care of herself and that i want her to be ok ( none of the emotional abuse as prior) but instead of me letting go and getting the release, I now feel a storm brewing within me, and feels like i ll explode.. And now I dont know how to handle these emotions.. I hate her but dont want any bad things to happen to her.. she has had troubled relationships in the past as well and this may be a sign of a deeper issue, which I ve asked her to see a counselor about.. but I feel less of a man now and wonder if i ll ever find someone again, we were great together and the last two yrs, apart form the 6 months were the best days of my life but its all gone now.. any wisdom to keep me sane in this situation ?? I still think of her as an innocent little child who has done wrong, i feel i am responsible for her growth as a person, is this co dependence ? I am tired of being angry and judgemental, i am tired of having negative thoughts about the other guy, who manipulated her over and over.. and dont know what to be anymore.

    #41285
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Wow Phoolinlove,

    I am sorry to hear this update.

    You are bound to feel emotionally disturbed. This is a very hurtful revelation and your trust has been violated, more then once.

    I understand how draining anger is but I think under these circumstances it is inevitable that you will feel some anger.

    I don’t think it is reasonable to hold yourself responsible for your Ex’s growth as a person. She isn’t an innocent little girl, she is a women and is responsible for her own life and her own choices.

    I wonder if it would do you some good to have a break from contact with her, particularly if you are processing your anger.

    I wish you all the best.

    #41327
    English Rose
    Participant

    Hey Phoolinlove,
    From my own experience, sometimes we try to do the right thing, the kind and loving thing, we try to forgive before we’ve even looked at our own pain. We do this, especially if we’re on a spiritual path of any description, but in doing so we can so often ignore our own pain. I did this myself. I tried to be all forgiving and understand that he was just suffering too, but deep down I was angry, betrayed and deeply hurt. My feeling on this is that we have to learn to honour the process that comes along with be hurt, betrayed and loosing people. It’s about being ‘with’ those feelings, not trying to transcend or be positive in the face of heartache. When you grieve, allow your heart to break, drop into your body and feeling the physical pain. Don’t worry about trying to heal, fix or move forward, or worry about what she is doing. She has made her karma, now she has to deal with it. Putting your energy into her and the whys and hows of what she did, means less of your precious energy is going into you. I know it’s difficult, trust me I know, but you have to look after yourself now and you will be ok. You will be ok. If you can learn to be with the impermenence of this situation then you will learn from it and it will become one of your greatest teachers. If you feel angry, feel angry, if you feel negative feel negative, but beware of the stories you attach. It’s our stories that kill us. Just feel it, no stories, just presence, just physically dropping into the immediate nature of your storm and ride it through. Even if that means you cry on the bathroom floor for hours until your eyes are puffy as hell and you can’t breath through your nose, then that’s what you need to so. One thing I know is that pushing away how we feel, never works. What we resist, persists. Embrace it. Honour it. Learn from it and in time you will grow stronger. In time you will think of the situation less and less, until it becomes something that pops into your mind every now and again. You are stronger than you ever believe possible and that strength is found in our vulnerability and presence.
    Maybe you find your own strength and ride the storm with courage and love.
    x

    #41407
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Why cant I stop thinking of her as a victim in this situation, I m still convincing myself that her innocent good heart felt victim to her desire to cheat and continue to demonize the other man, when I know she always had a choice.. I know I should be running in the opposite direction nbut…..

    #41410
    Barbara
    Participant

    You have to look after yourself.

    If she was unfaithful, and things just werent right – and if you were in a monogamous relationship – then that was hurtful, and painful. If it is really over, and if she has put closure on that, then it really is best to let go. People make mistakes, but would you ever trust her again even if you got back together ?

    Dont worry – Im not minimising how excruciating that can be, as I have been in your shoes before. But time wil heal the wounds, try to surround yourelf with friends, do one nice thing for you every day, to nurture yourself.

    Be good to yourself, and let yourself grieve the relationship. In time it will get easier to see it as a lesson, in some way, shape or form – although right now that will be hard to realise. You deserve to be happy and you will be agian,

    Wishing you all the best,
    Namaste,
    Barbs.

    #41441
    Matt
    Participant

    Phool,

    I think your consideration of her as a victim of her patterns is wise. Our fundamental ignorance of how to find joy skillfully causes us to run in circles, and she is stuck doing precisely that. However, people come to wisdom and joy in their own way, in there own time.

    So, when we notice that their patterns collide with ours and produce additional difficulties, we detach and let them go. Said differently, just because she falls prey to her patterns doesn’t mean you should try to stay romantically connected to her. You have to protect your heart and its growth, which sometimes includes putting distance between yourself and the suffering of others. There are many women the world who are faithful, which is something needed for intimacy to grow.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41447
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Phool in Love = Brave heart in love,

    Loving someone else is very brave. I really do believe in the phrase it is better to have loved than not have loved at all. In my humble opinion, your choosing to view her as a victim has two causes:

    1. To avoid pain
    2. Gender Roles

    You loved her and more than likely still do. You were planning a future with her and never imagined she would do something like this to hurt you. You view her as a victim because to think of her as anything else would have painful implications. If you viewed her as someone willing to sabotage her relationship, then you may feel that you would have to let go of the love you have for her. The love you have for her may even transform into hateful or negative feelings, thus you keep looking at her as a victim so that you can still have some good feelings towards her. Instead, you direct those negative feelings to her colleague. It is far easier to feel negatively towards him because you didn’t have a close connection with him or feelings for him. Letting go is hard. I agree with Lee in allowing yourself to feel the pain, hurt, sorrow and anger of loss and betrayal. Just know that you don’t have to act on it or don’t have to create stories about the pain such as “I am a phool in love or how stupid was I. Or she betrayed me because I wasn’t good enough, etc”. It is sad to say but people always choose their own course of action regardless of what other people do. So her cheating truly has nothing to do with you. Ultimately, it was her choice.

    Secondly, women are generally viewed as victims. We are viewed as saints, basically good, etc. However, men are viewed differently. Women are innocent until proven guilty. Men are guilty until proven innocent. Man has to strive for goodness and women already have it. I always thought that was funny because if Eve bit the apple, then shouldn’t women be viewed as sinners. Think about it. We say the sins of our fathers, not the sins of our mothers. When women do commit bad deeds, we find reasoning for it. For example, the snake tempted Eve. Again Eve fell victim to temptation. Women are victims, men are perpetrators. What happens when a man is a victim? This is a very lopsided, erroneous view of women. It creates lots of suffering for both men and women. Women strive to be good, even perfect. Repress anger or aggression then it becomes depression. More women than men are depressed. We are constantly trying to be the good girl even though we may not always have good feelings. So then an internal conflict is created. A split within ourselves. We are “supposed to be good” but we find flaws within ourselves. Instead of seeing it as natural, even beautiful, we become hostile towards our own selves. Critical of ourselves and of others. I truly find men to be a lot more forgiving and accepting than women. Maybe because men are expected to be flawed they are more understanding. Remember Adam wasn’t whole, he was missing a rib, he was flawed. Furthermore, if like me, you didn’t have a good, saintly, nurturing mother, you don’t really talk about this because it is taboo. Dads are sort of expected to be mediocre, absent or just flat out bad. However, when a mother is bad, children internalize this as there must have been something wrong with me. I know that male gender roles are also detrimental to men as well and men repress a lot too. In the end, we are all human. Male or female we are all capable of hurting or healing.

    I am sorry for the pain she has caused you. I hope you will find healing and learn to trust again. Here is an article on TB about a man in your similar situation: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/forgiving-the-unforgivable-and-ending-your-own-suffering/. He talks about forgiving infidelity. He did this after 10 years so know that you let go of things at your own pace. You may also be surprised to discover that your heart may be ready to let go but your mind isn’t. I realized that when I have been mistreated, after being upset, my heart felt like letting go but my mind said no because I felt weak. I can tell you that you aren’t weak. I am TREMENDOUSLY proud of you for the response you gave to her. You responded sincerely, truthfully and you didn’t react. This doesn’t make you a sappy loser. Just for the record, from a women’s perspective your response will drive her crazy. She will be thinking “wow, he took that easier than I imagined. Maybe he didn’t really desire me that bad. Does he not care that I was with another man?” I hate to admit it but because of romance movies and novels, a lot of us women get excited when men give us an emotionally charged reaction. But this is just so that we know he has feelings for us, even if they are negative ones. Your cool, calm and collected response will make her insecure for a while. I would chase the guys that ignored me and ignore the guys that chased me. As wise as I am now, I hate to look back when I played these dumb, sensational, drama filled mind games. These are games of the mind not the heart.

    As Matt said, there are plenty of women who are faithful. Furthermore, its sounds like you are on our own path to growth so just focus on you. Don’t stunt your own growth by being worried about hers.

    With Love,

    Zenhen

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Zenhen.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Zenhen.
    #41452
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks everyone for the kind words.. its been 5 days now and I think I see the light, but unfortunately I did fall during these days, i did end up asking her for the details of her liasion, and how involved was she ( both emotionally and physically) which is not being detached.. this was the day after.. but worse, I texted the other guy… at that time i thought someone should let him know how he has affected lives of two human beings and two families and rub his krama on his face, so atleast he wouldnt do it t someone else.. but i realize later that was a pretense and as Zenhen put out, I was directing my anger towards him, and hatefully so.. however i ve decided not to do that again.
    however few questions still come to mind (” aside from my insecurities about the future, the i’ll be forever alone part of my heart :), yupp i have a sense of humor about it now.. )

    1) Lee: What stories attached to the pain are you referring to ? I do still get these mental pictures and movies of them together.. and sadly what bothers me is not the actual sex, but there kissing and laughing and her head on his chest and shoulder.. how do i get rid of these thoughts?
    2) Matt: I do consider her a victim of her pattern and have , with all good intentions, asked her to see a counseller about it. i have sent her articles from this blog so she culd be a bit more self aware.. but she hasn’t had the “time ” yet.. and she still continues to drink.. even though that played a big part when they started. Its like you have a baby bird in your hands and you have to watch it bleed. My whole relationship with her was me being her parent ( her parents dote her, and they werent here in this country, and I took great pains to really keep her happy and well loved) How do I detach from two years of consciously trying to fulfill her.

    About forgiveness: I know by now that forgiveness for her would be liberating for me, but she hasnt even asked for it, most probably out of shame/ or maybe she still has guilt about lying to me and hiding more things.. but if i do forgive her.. and i still have this spark ( however small) in my heart.. is it still redeemable.. I keep thinking love alone should be able to surpass this but sometimes these quotes just seem like mere words.. i guess time will heal things ( I do however feel i am growing as a person at present)

    All of you, your words are much appreciated.. and they not only affects me but the lives of people around me and people i work with. I appreciate the good thoughts and prayer and am grateful to have found people as yourself in this mess.

    Namaste !

    #41453
    Matt
    Participant

    Phool,

    In response to question number two, you are not her parent. Trying to be her parent is not good for her or for you. Asking her to see a therapist for problems “you think she has” is thinly veiled judgement and blame. If she is unhappy, she can go find help when and if she is ready. Not your job, responsibility, or right. Namaste brother, you’ll find your way!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41577
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The holidays are certainly the hardest to navogate throough, and I did a lot of soul searching this weekend, one think sticks out which makes it all seem a paradox, as I start to heal myself it occurs to me, she hid the truth because she was worried I would leave her if she did.. and that is exactly what happened. It got me thinking, was our love this weak. I did not contact her because that did not agree with the process, but it still got me thinking, is redemption possible. How would one explain the irony in this? Can love truly forget?

    #41802
    prettylilly
    Participant

    You are thinking this because you are trying to excuse her ways. You are trying to justify it. Your pride, ego is hurt and crushed. So this is your justifying it for yourself. DONT DO IT.

    She had a choice, And that’s what she chose to do.

    Don’t beat yourself over it, your worth is more. You will love again. But love yourself and find yourself first. Its going to be hard but you WILL get over it. Believe me you will. You will go through anger, bitterness, hate and then after you will realize you are hurting yourself. You don’t need to wish her ill, wish her the best for what you wish upon her is what you wish upon yourself.
    Meditate, breath. You will be fine, YOU WILL.

    #41908
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I slipped..
    in a alcohol induced haze and after waking up from a nightmare, I sent her the letter which was never to be sent. and i know it would cause her more pain and suffering. i surprisingly dont feel much bad about it and this bothers me. I told her that i ll be moving on and wish things could be different and hope she finds someone who could offer her what i did and lead a loving life. but i also mentioned her hiding the truth still bothers me more than the actual act of betrayal, which I have no right to point out anymore.
    On a different note, for people who have been through this, how long does it take to atleast try to find someone else, meet new people, I had a prospective date recently and found myself very guilty and inadequate while replying ?

    #41916
    John
    Participant

    There’s definitely some amazing lessons that you can learn from this experience. From your last post, the first one that comes to mind is, never drink to the point of intoxication. Reason and logic become suppressed under the influence. It’s a short term escape and will only perpetuate your cycle of up and down suffering.

    As to your question about how long you should wait, well, everyone is different, but based on what you’ve been posting in the past little while, I would say anywhere from 6 months to a year. Don’t rush into another relationship until you’ve found your footing. Standing strong, tall, and firm will prevent you from getting sucked into the dramas, insecurities, and neurosis of others.

    During this time, I would prescribe the following:

    – keep your home neat and tidy (the state of your home reflects the state of your mind and vice versa)
    – meditate daily
    – exercise regularly (cardio at least 3-4 days a week)
    – abstain from any sexual activity (discover a new sense of emotional mastery by not succumbing to your libido)
    – improve your diet
    – don’t do any drugs and never drink to the point of intoxication

    #42035
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Her reply to my email
    “Staying together would’ve been really hard..really really tough..so I dont fault you for choosing the easier of the two ways..I say you, because you took that decision.. But I do not agree with it. There’s nothing you can do to make me either.. you took a decision for yourself and I am happy for you.”
    what am i to decipher this, i dont want to go back and forth.. but how could she not know its not the easier way.. easier would be to just continue to the relationship with all the anger and resentment still present and be abusive.. I decided to move on and redefine myself.. how is that easy ? I think its time for completely breaking off all contact.. But should HER CLOSURE be of importance as well?

    #42068
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Her reply to my email
    “Staying together would’ve been really hard..really really tough..so I dont fault you for choosing the easier of the two ways..I say you, because you took that decision.. But I do not agree with it. There’s nothing you can do to make me either.. you took a decision for yourself and I am happy for you.”
    what am i to decipher this, i dont want to go back and forth.. but how could she not know its not the easier way.. easier would be to just continue to the relationship with all the anger and resentment still present and be abusive.. I decided to move on and redefine myself.. how is that easy ?, She hasnt even given me an honest apology yet, all her prior attempts had been laced with deception. all I wished was she d break down in my arms and just say sorry for what she did.. but that wont really happen. I think its time for completely breaking off all contact.. But should HER CLOSURE be of importance as well?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.