How should I moved on my relationship from now?

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 20, 2017 at 7:33 am #154180

Franny
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My boyfriend and I started dating last year after we met on Tinder. He’s my first boyfriend and I thought I was over the moon and was overjoyed when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was charming, and ever the attentive boyfriend – hold my hands, asked me how I am doing, hear from me everyday. I grew attached to him.

Little did I know it, fast forward a few months later – now, I was constantly obsessing over him – stalking on Facebook to check his online status, waiting and checking for his Whatsapp messages, constantly stalking him / his friends on social medias. Now, my boyfriend has many social circles, hence he is always hanging out with his buddies.

In the first few months, I was totally fine with it. I was really doing fine and I thought I will take this easy. He can hang out with his friends, not text me and I will still be fine.

Things have changed now. We don’t use to text so much anymore, we don’t meet each other on a weekly basis, sometimes once a month. When we did meet, all we ever talked about were small talks – things that don’t excite me anymore. The thing is, I find myself constantly angry at him meeting his friends, and not meeting me when he has the free time. I am also slightly jealous as he has many girl friends.

Two weeks ago, I told him how insecure I feel, how neglected I felt and how I was obsessing over him but I can’t help it. He was so considerate and kind – took me out and called me to talk about it. I told him I need affirmations. However, things hasn’t really change. We don’t hold hands in public anymore. It was always him walking in front, me following behind. Yesterday, I told him again how insecure I feel, how obsessed I feel again. He sends me a long text message saying that ever since we talked, he’s been careful to only hang out with friends he can trust and promptly replies my message. His reason which he has been emphasizing so much, he’s not much of a texter and he told me that the only person he ever texts and promptly replies everyday has been – ME. He also mentioned that I need to figure out my insecurities if they’re affecting me.

Now, does that sound like he’s blaming me or does he sound annoying? I really have no idea. Or does he seem to be thinking that he did not play a part in making me feel insecure?

How do I go about telling him and making sure that he understand that my insecurities stem from the relationship turn cold? That I feel not important, that I feel like an addition to him – someone to entertain him when his friends ditched him? How do I manage this insecurity and self-esteem issues? Most importantly, how should I manage this obsession (stalking him & his friends on social media)? Should I consider dating him for long-term if I’m not his priority?

June 20, 2017 at 8:51 am #154214

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Franny:

I understand what has fueled your obsession with his social circles online: his attentive behavior toward you stopped. He used to hold your hand in public and he no longer does. He used to walk with you side by side, now he walks in front of you and you follow. He used to see you often, now way less, sometimes only once a month. He used to text you more often, etc. So no wonder you became anxious, worried.

Do you have any idea what caused the change in his behavior?

anita

June 20, 2017 at 9:23 am #154228
Eliana
Participant
Hi Franny,

Ooh..ouch..this is right up my alley after reading your post, because I have been in more online relationships than I care to admit, even with men from other states, Iraq, Pakistan, Egypt, you name it, have been through it all.

While I have not been on Tinder, I used to meet these men on Facebook, Google plus, and online dating sites. What I found, is alot of these men are scammers, many have fake profiles, many lie, once I was even involved with a married man who did not tell me for three months. Then the man from Egypt ended up trying to use me (Catphishing) to get to the United States. I learned the hard way, online dating in very complicated and difficult.

I think what made him back off was that you told him you were “obsessing” over him, and no man wants a woman who makes him her life and world. Men like women who don’t spend time stalking them on social media, they want a woman who loves herself, no drama, no intensity, someone with outside interests, goals, friendships with men and women, maybe doing some volunteer work, a strong secure woman who does not need a man to make them happy, but who wants a man, for unity and common interests, they value stability, friendship, no suspicion, stalking, doubts, fear, because if you have fear in you, then you can’t have dreams. Try to work on these issues. And the men will come, the right men. Keep us posted okay?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.
June 20, 2017 at 10:07 am #154246

Smile
Participant

@Eliana just said it all.
This was what killed my first relationship, i was the source of her joy , i was her world and everything. i never liked it. I wanted someone to share my happiness with not someone to suck my joy…Men want a strong lady, independent with goals and dreams , a girl who is happy on her own with him. When they come together it is to share happiness not to sip happiness.

Here is my advice for you. Try to be yourself again, try to get busy, to do things, hang out on your own, start a course maybe educational or something… just love yourself first, spend time with yourself and he will appreciate you.

This relationship might not work but your next will definitely be better following this steps…

July 3, 2017 at 5:23 am #156104

Franny
Participant

Dear Anita,

I could only think of the few reasons that could cause these:-

1) We are past the honeymoon phase. Currently we’re in stagnant phase.

2) He is still struggling in his career, hence he couldn’t pay too much attention to me. He applied for numerous jobs, one of them is his dreams- but he failed and currently stuck in a job he is not happy in but he has no choice as the job pays for his living.

July 3, 2017 at 5:26 am #156106

Franny
Participant

Hi @smile,

Is it really like that? Tbh, I am not obsessed with him if I meet up with him physically at least once a week. If say I didn’t get to see him after a week or not hearing from him, I started worrying.

Yesterday, I texted him, saying that we should meet up and actually talk.

He didn’t reply me at all ever since.

What should I do?

I can’t leave without getting a clear explanation

July 3, 2017 at 7:28 am #156134

Dawn R
Participant

Dear Franny,

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. They always tell the truth of what is real. It sounds like it’s time to take the focus off of him and start putting it back onto yourself. I don’t know why women (mostly) put so much time, attention, and energy into relationships/partners/boyfriends who aren’t willing to give back in return. You can’t “make” anyone love you. You can’t “force” anyone to want to spend time with you. And after speaking up and trying to resolve the situation, if they’re still not willing to give to you or compromise or take your feelings into consideration, then it’s time to “let go,”

Spend time focusing on yourself. Doing the things that make you happy and bring you joy. Date lots of other people. Discover more of the attributes in a person that you want. Recognize the aspects of a person/personality that you don’t want. They both help you become more clear about what kind of relationship you want in your life.

The single most important relationship in your life is the one with yourself. Are you happy? Are you filling yourself up? Do you love yourself enough to say “NO” to the things that are hurtful to you? If you’re not able to set healthy boundaries for yourself, then how can start learning to and doing that for yourself? Sourround yourself with people that lift you up and love, appreciate, and accept you as you are. Learn to love, appreciate, and accept Yourself as you are. And strive to become the best version of yourself while you’re doing that.

Let Go of the things/people that aren’t working well in your life. Hold on tight to the things that Are. And continue finding more things that do.

Good luck. Take care and blessings to you!

Dawn

July 3, 2017 at 9:48 am #156172

PearceHawk
Participant

Hi Franny,

There is a ton of anxiety in your life right now that I hope that when you read this, you are embraced with comfort, peace, love, and happiness.

You said, “I was constantly obsessing over him – stalking on Facebook to check his online status, waiting and checking for his Whatsapp messages, constantly stalking him / his friends on social medias.” I think that what you said is a precursor to serious problems in a relationship, even though there obviously other factors affecting it. For me, as a guy, to have someone be obsessive to the point of stalking me because I did not answer a text most certainly will make me distance myself from someone. Actually this did happen in a former relationship I was in. The constant, where have you been, why did you not return my call (think Fatal Attraction) the obsession with the need to control my life, lead to me moving on. One time I went to the grocery store which was not even 5 minutes away from where we lived. On the way home there is a popular hardware chain that had a huge sale on tools. I decided to stop there and see what tools were on sale. 20 minutes later I returned home only to be faced with a barrage of where I went, what girl did I go visit, etc. This happened early on into our relationship. I paid very close attention to see if this was some freak episode in our relationship. After that the accusations, the stalking me on my email and other social media, became business as usual.

Please consider whether or not your stalking behavior is affecting your relationship. If you recognize that it is, it is a very good place to make yourself a better, loving person by correcting it.

July 3, 2017 at 12:12 pm #156214

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Franny:

I hope you find a way to effectively communicate with him so to figure out his state of mind regarding the relationship. Maybe instead of telling him more about your insecurities and what you need, ask him for his thoughts and feelings, ask open ended questions for the purpose of understanding his state of mind.

anita

July 13, 2017 at 4:52 am #157860

Franny
Participant

hi Anita, Pearcehawk, & Dawn,

Thanks for your feedbacks. Appreciate them a lot.

I did went and meet up with him last week. It was..such a normal date. He didn’t seem angry or lose interest in me. He did seem busy though. Our date was dragged to an hour late, and he came and picked me up afterwards. I did mentioned to him about how my insecurities stem from the being of our relationship – not holding hands, no physical contacts, not much texting, so on and so forth.

He went on and rant about how he needed his own privacy at times, and he thinks I invaded into his life too much and too often that sometimes oversharing happens. I went on and told him that, I was a kind of person that do not normally hug or touch people but he is an exception because of course I wanted physical contact with him, or else he wouldn’t be my boyfriend. I told him as well, that I’m not a touchy kind of person but I’m learning to reduce that, but it seems that something is wrong because he’s not being cooperative. Well, that his answers to my doubts – that he is not such person. If there is a scale from 0 – being no physical contact at all to 10 – very much of physical contact, I would be at 4 and he will be at 2. This is what I see from our conversation last week.

Of course, I told him I need affirmations and all. Things like what boyfriends do. He told me he expected us to be in a relaxed and laid back relationship. What I can sum up is, there is no wrong and right with these two issues – having minimal physical contacts and a very much laid back one. But, if I am not such a person that can cope with this, I can try influencing him not to be so laidback and have more physical contacts. Say, I am too tired to handle with this, or I think that I deserve someone better someone who is always there for me, I can choose to end the relationship. But I am still willing to try this over as I really, really like him a lot. I cannot imagine dating anyone else.

As for the insecurities part – the constant stalking on social medias, I am happy to say that the habits have been reduced. I can go on without texting him for one day, but I would need to hear from him after a day. I think this is perfectly NORMAL. If both of us can go on without texting / hearing from each other for 2 days or more, then there is something wrong with the relationship. Maybe we are both too laidback in that case.

Please let me know your thoughts on these. Also, would like to hear on your thoughts, is there anything wrong with couples not saying “I love you” to each other? Or not flirting with each other? Because we are definitely behaving like two very good friends.

July 13, 2017 at 7:10 am #157866

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Franny:

My thoughts: I agree with your statement in your recent post, that “there is no wrong and right with (some) issues”- it is a matter of personal preference, how much time a person needs to spend with a boyfriend/girlfriend and how much talking and sharing there is to be.

You wrote: “he thinks I invaded into his life too much and too often that sometimes oversharing happens”- but you wrote in your original post that sometimes you see him once a month only. Otherwise, once a week is the most you can get to see him, if I read correctly. So he means once a month or at best once a week is “too much and too often”? (Or does he mean on text/ phone?)

If he means that once a month or a week of getting together is too much in the context of a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship, and not because of an issue of physical distance- then I think he is a rare case, especially for a young man. This is your first relationship, and as a young woman, it is understandable to me that you would want to see your boyfriend a few times a week, for various length of time, depending on schedule.

You asked: “is there anything wrong with couples not saying ‘I love you’ to each other? Or not flirting with each other?”- it is not wrong if this is satisfactory for the two people in the relationship, but I would say it would be a very rare exception if two young people are satisfied with such a relationship.

You wrote: “Because we are definitely behaving like two very good friends”- this may be what the two of you are. Maybe you should change the title of your relationship and fit all the ingredients of it to the context of friends, not boyfriend-girlfriend…?

anita
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