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How to be okay with having no friends?

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  • #360821
    Meg
    Participant

    My life is pretty good by all accounts, at least superficially. I have depression and have been unable to let go of the many ways people have hurt me in the past. Despite this, I keep letting new people in, but I always end up hurt.

    The one thing I long for in life is a true best friend, someone that cares about me as much as I do them. Someone to chat to throughout the day about anything and everything.

    I’m 30 now and I’m starting to realise this probably will never happen for me. But it makes me so, so sad. I am a kind, loyal and compassionate person, I try my best. But it’s never good enough.

    How can I begin to make peace with this? I’ve tried pushing it aside, hoping it will happen, but it hurts too much. I’d rather make peace with it instead.

    #360875
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meg:

    I read your post and will re-read it and reply when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. If you would like, if you feel comfortable, please share more about your life, how your depression come about, who hurt you and how. You can share your story without details you feel uncomfortable sharing. I will be back to your thread whether you add to it or not.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #360874
    Raja
    Participant

    Hi Meg,

    To start first, its so good that you opend yourself up and acknowledge this because it must be very hard..

    To be hounest with you, I think your past is a big thing in this. It is easy to say for me but I expierienced, how hard and difficult it is, that accepting the past does help. Because, how can you move forward if you are still in the past with a toe, foot or even a leg?

    I dont know what happend and if you are willing to let it go and accept your past to move forward but I found out that it’s such a relieve to have that weight of your shoulders.

    I don’t have any friends right now because I moved litterly to the other side of the world for the love of my live. I had everything and everyone that I needed back home and now I have so much less and it hurts to be and feel alone. It doenst help your mental state.

    Are you sure you are okay with accepting the fact that it will  never happen to you or are you willing to try and give the acceptance from your past a chance?
    I hope you are okay and if you would like to have a chat about this or something else, I’m keen!

    #360921
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meg:

    I like Raja’s reply to you: empathetic, intelligent and wise.

    You shared: “people have hurt me in the past. Despite this, I keep letting new people in, but I always end up hurt”- better learn to change this outcome of always ending up hurt by evaluating a new person in your life before you let him or her into your heart and life.

    “I am a kind, loyal and compassionate person”- it is unkind to yourself to be loyal to a person who repeatedly hurts you. Better you are loyal to a person after you evaluate him or her and find out that the person is good to you and for you.

    “The one thing I long for in life is a true best friend.. I’m 30 now and I’m starting to realise this probably will never happen for me… How can I begin to make peace with this?”- to make peace with something in our lives that we don’t like but can’t change, we have to take a deep breath and accept that this something is part of your lives. However we disliked it so far, however we resisted it being a part of our lives, we have to stop fighting it in our minds and hearts, and accept it as something to live with at peace, not at war.

    anita

    #361010
    Jayse
    Participant

    It’s like you ripped a page out of my life story.

    I’ve been feeling the same way for quite some time. I’m also in my ealry 30’s; I’m 32.

    You have my deepest regards <3

    .thank.you.for.sharing.

     

    #361027
    Ryn
    Participant

    Hi Meg,

    I understand the confusion and pain you must be feeling from being let down by friendships over the years because I too have gone through that. I used to think there was something wrong with me and I’d never get that close to another person, which is all I ever really wanted.

    Based on what you said, it sounds like you don’t actually want to “make peace” with having no friends. You said you long for a true best friend, and it makes you sad to think you may never have this.

    Yes, I think it would be wise to reflect on your past friendships to see why they ended and what red flags there were, and accept that those friendships didn’t work out. Then you can start to move on from that pain and search for truly fulfilling friendships with the knowledge of your past experiences.

    If you tell yourself it will never happen, then it won’t. But if you stay hopeful and keep reaching out to new people you are bound to find an amazing friend. I know it’s scary and you have to be vulnerable and open to really connect with someone, but it’s a challenge I know you can overcome and it will be so worth it. Know your worth – you deserve to having a supportive friendship and to avoid toxic ones.

    #361039
    patrica
    Participant

    It is okay to not having toxic friends. Alone life is better than these types of friends. I understand your situation your emotion. But you can overcome this. Be confident. Learn to walk alone.

    Stay hopeful. You can search for a new friend if their mentality matches with you. Otherwise, it is a big no for me. In the meantime, you can check this article https://superwellnessblog.net/the-ways-of-enjoying-alone-time/

    #361377
    Marie
    Participant

    Dear Meg, and other empathic friends who shared in response:

    Thank you, because I have been struggling lately with this issue.  I think some of it arose from me turning 50 in May, and looking at no friends/socially safe interactions.

    I have always had low self esteem, but have been working so hard to acquire self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.  Still, even yesterday, when I was met with some disapproval/dislike by a new friend in a topic I brought up, I cannot get over it.  I keep believing my old thoughts that there is indeed something wrong with me.  Nobody likes me…

    I work on this by doing CBT now for 15 years, and working a 12 step program which has led to 12 yrs of sobriety.  I just want to feel ok, I mean that if others reject me, it does not make me wrong/bad.

    #361407
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Marie:

    Core Beliefs (“there is indeed something wrong with me. Nobody likes me”) are very powerful. I believed the same about myself and I am surprised that I no longer believe these two things, especially the first. For years I wanted to believe differently. I read lots of self help books, went to 12 step meetings of all kinds, had some therapy and on and on, but these core beliefs didn’t budge until a few years ago… and it still feels surprising, as in: I had no idea I can believe otherwise!

    If you want to start your own thread (click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY and scroll down to the empty box), tell more of your story, I will be glad to read from you and reply further.

    anita

    #361421
    Lisa
    Participant

    I can completely relate. I’ve always had trouble making friends when I was a child, and even now into adulthood. My one best friend growing up died when I was 22. She was my best friend. We were inseparable. I went down a very dark road once she died. I didn’t bother having any friends till i was 26. I was so afraid to hurt like i hurt when my friend died. When I was 26 I when I met another woman. She was very outgoing. If it wasn’t for her being so forward and pushy I probably wouldn’t have become friends with her, but like I said she was an outgoing person. It took me a while, but I finally let her into my heart. We were best friends from 2006 to 2017. She became more like a sister to me. Well, once again she died in April 2017. Then my father died in May 2017 and then my boyfriend in June of 2017. Needless to day 2017 sucked. I am Bipolar and it totally sent me into a manic state that I stayed in for about 4 months. Then there was the crash. I was totally depressed and couldn’t do anything.  I did have one more friend and recently she sent me a text telling me that i was a horrible person, that I was a selfish bitch that contributed nothing to our friendship. I didnt even get a chance to respond and see why she felt that way. She blocked my number and blocked me on facebook.

    Im a loyal, honest, loving,  caring friend that would do anything for my friends. In fact, she got breast cancer and I stayed with her everyday in case she needed anything or just wanted some company. I am by far no where near selfish.

     

    So now I’m 41 with zero friends.  Its lonely. I miss the companionship and all talks about life and everything else. I do have a boyfriend and a daughter. They are awesome and I love them dearly, but it doesn’t replace that empty hole in my heart where a friend would be. I’m sorry I rambled on like that.

    So in order for me to have friends, I have to go out and make myself available. I am homeschooling my daughter so I joined a few groups on facebook and this one woman lives about 30 minutes from me. We are planning to get together soon. Another woman messaged me and we have been talking through Facebook and text. She lives about 4 hours from me, but it’s worth the trip if I’m going to make a friendship out of it. So basically what im saying is put yourself out there. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past, it can’t be changed. Focus on now and what you can do now.

    #361610
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Meg,

    I encourage you to look at this time of solitude as a gift.   It is a time for you to get to know yourself; what you like, what your boundaries are, what really matters and what truly doesn’t to you.  Time is a gift, but only if you treat it like one.

    I’ve been on my own for a a number of years, and I didn’t always look at it like that. I used to get really agitated and resentful, thinking something was wrong with me, but I was also making changes in my life since obviously now I had the time to. And I started to realize just how much time I had on my hands to do whatever I wanted, and how much time I just gave away to people who were toxic and didn’t deserve it. I’ve made changes now in that area too and am confident that the next time I have a connection with someone, it’ll be with the right kind of person.

    So treasure this time! Instead of looking outward, turn inward. Your life will be much better for it!

    Good luck 🙂

    Pink

     

    #361875
    Nate
    Participant

    Dear Meg,

    I too long for a true best friend and someone to talk to about anything.  I thought i had a true best friend but that isn’t so.  I am 55 and realized that past friends, so i thought, just used me.  I can relate to the posts.  I am an introvert so making friends as a child/teenager and even now is very hard and because my parents, when younger, didn’t like the people I hung out with made me stay home alot (if they were fat, poor….. i wasn’t allowed to hang out with them).  I always think something is wrong with me, why do i not have friends?  Found out by one person is because when she asked how i was, i said good and then I talked about a rough patch  my husband and I were going through and they literally came out and said I didnt want to hear all that information well that was the last time person spoke to me.  My husband and daughter don’t even like to do things with me, communication is rare.  Prior to the current unsettling times, I would go shopping a lot, i mean a lot just to get out of the house and be around other people.  I write in a journal when i feel down.  I have accepted the fact that I will never have a true best friend-i feel as though it’s to late.

     

     

     

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