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How to become responsible for your own happiness?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #320371

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello All,

    Recently i have been out of a relationship. I am realizing for a really long time now that i have never felt this sad or this directionless ever in my life. Though i will be honest even after being in a relationship i was not that happy. I was jealous of my x boyfriend for enjoying without me and doing stuff without whereas i am here, alone half way across the world. He recently dumped me as he was having tough time at his house and wanted someone near him. Whatever happened, happened. I finally made my peace with the situation and i am finally taking a break for sometime from all this.

    In this alone time, i have come to realization that i started believing in the fact that it is only when i am with him or when he is in my life that i will be happy. Maybe which is why i kept him hanging in my life for such a long time.  It felt like a sense of security and that with him i didn’t had to worry about anything. I was a pretty independent and adventurous person but these days i have realized that i have lost that part of myself somewhere in the process of loving that guy. I tried to mould my life in a way that i go back to him but then somehow my unconcious practical mind took over the emotional heart and i did the right decision by staying and doing internship in abroad. But honestly now i feel it is not that great a job and everything feels like a mistake. Oddly, being with him also felt like a mistake after couple of days, so does being without him.

    Overall my head is clearly screwed up. I am trying to find peace and happiness but clearly i am just ruining my life and the great opportunities that i have. Somewhere i understand that i am the one who should be taking care of myself and not any guy or any good job or anything. I understand i need to stop blaming the external situations and take control of my happiness.

    The only problem is I understand it all, but the implementation of the way to get through this situation is very tough. No matter how much i try to calm my brain down. Someway or the other, it just keeps bringing up stuff that genuinely i should not be thinking. Not thinking, I know thinking about odd situations which ae not even in existence such as “what if he has moved on now?”, “what if the new job also is not good like this?”, “should i just rather wok and stay at home instead of planning stuff and going out?” are just messing my head and nothing else.

    Can you all please recommend me something, pecially if the person is alone, what can be done?

    #320385

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harshita:

    Based on your previous thread and this one, the reason “everything feels like a mistake” is that you feel badly, like something is wrong. And this feeling has been persistent for quite a while. But it doesn’t mean that everything really is wrong.

    Something is wrong, but not everything. We have to be careful about not making significant choices based on how we feel without understanding the true message behind what we feel.

    For example, you felt “a sense of security” with a man who kept you hanging (previous thread), as if you “didn’t have to worry about anything”- again, with a man who dumped you repeatedly. What is the message in these feelings regarding this man? –

    not that the man has provided you with real security or that there is security for you if you get involved with him again.

    -but that you have been feeling insecure, unsafe, scared and you desperately need someone to make you feel better.

    Don’t abandon “the great opportunities that (you) have” for a mistaken understanding of the message behind your unhappiness.

    In your previous thread you wrote: “A few years back, I was  very strong person”- were you a very strong person as a child, living at home with your parents?

    anita

    #320391

    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Harshita
    With regards to the question: How to become responsible for your own happiness. I really like today’s blog

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/happiness-fun-blog/i-spent-years-looking-for-happiness-in-the-wrong-places/

    #320395

    Harshita
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have been living independently for past 8 years now. So it was not when i used to live with my parents and i wasn’t a child. But clearly after reading this i feel i am acting like a child at the moment, which is trust me, very frustrating for myself as well.

    #320399

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harshita:

    I didn’t express myself clearly in the last two lines of my recent post. I didn’t mean to suggest that you are “acting like a child”. I will try to explain myself better: it is my experience that what we feel now as adults is often what we felt as children. Therefore I am thinking that your distress presently, feeling unsafe and insecure and having been desperate for a man who provided you with nothing stable and safe, has to do with a childhood where you were and felt unsafe.

    In my life there were periods of time when I felt strong and independent, but each such time ended with the return of my childhood experience which was anxiety and a desperate need to be rescued and helped.

    anita

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