Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How to care without being pulled down emotionally?
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December 7, 2016 at 1:07 am #122127
MimiParticipantEvery day I struggle with depression. Around 6 p.m. each day I try to do some email. It usually brings me down even more. I’m a very sensitive person and I’m affected by what people I care about tell me.
Yesterday I was actually in a good mood (rare for me lately), but after doing email I was so depressed and was crying.
My own problems include bad sleep because of a longtime health condition, the deaths of people very close to me (including my younger sister), anxiety, depression, and a lot more.
Then my mom writes emails and she is still grieving, too, because of my sister, and is worried about my late sister’s son (because of his grief and also his father, who isn’t very good), and other things.
My best friend has a lot of physical and emotional problems, too.
We all write about our problems and worries, we worry and care about each other, and we write about good things, too (sometimes). But my mom and friend don’t seem to get severely disturbed be the emails. I do.
I just want to know, as a highly sensitive person, how I can cope better with both my own problems and those of others. I want to stay in touch and be kept informed about things, but don’t want to keep falling into this pit of despair every day.
Actually, this happens when I watch the news, too. I keep it to a minimum, but it depresses me every day. I avoided it for years, but now that my husband and I are more on our own, I feel that we need to know more about what is happening (we used to live with older parents and relatives (all his, and all great)).
Any advice?
December 7, 2016 at 4:50 am #122136
InkyParticipantHi Mimi,
One thing you can do is send a group email saying that you are participating in a Technology Cleanse so will be offline. Then have your DH read the emails and have HIM tell you (not read you) what was important. If it’s just someone emoting, he can tell you nothing and then delete the email.
When I was dieting I told people (it was true) that I was part of a competition on who could lose the most percentage of body fat and that I was winning. People no longer tempted me with food and were actually supportive!
Now, they may call you on the phone. If that doesn’t trigger you communicate that way.
The other issues sound like your doctor and a grief councilor/support group could help you with.
Good Luck!
Inky
December 7, 2016 at 11:28 am #122175
AnonymousGuestDear Mimi:
Having a longtime health condition, disrupted sleep, a history of OCD (from a previous thread), all these increase your sensitivity to distressing information from the outside, be it via news or emails from family members and friends.
It is very important, I have no doubt, that you significantly limit such input. I think of it as the Macro-solution. The Micro aims at tolerating distress via meditation let’s say. But the Macro solution is very important.
So, the Macro solution would be to not watch news at all or to limit your news sources to one source (where news are delivered in non emotionally provoking wording and manner) as well as talking to your family and friends and tell them something like the following:
I really care about you, about how you feel. When I listen (in person/ phone) or read (email) about your distress, I wish I could do something to alleviate it. Unfortunately I don’t have the capacity to calmly listen or read much of your distress because I suffer from anxiety and every bit I read distresses me a lot. If I could choose to listen and read AND not be significantly distressed much, I would choose it in a heartbeat. But it is not subject to my choosing. At the same time I want to be aware of how you are feeling and doing. Do you think that you can accommodate me by describing your distress to me truthfully but summarized? With more objectivity so it doesn’t feel so horrible to me?
anita
December 7, 2016 at 5:22 pm #122211MimiParticipantInky, thank you for the thoughts and advice. Actually, I used to do the one thing you suggested, but I did it with the phone. My friend and I would talk on voice mail messages instead of live (better for me), but when she got too nuts my husband would just listen and tell me the important things (or none of it). I’ve actually cut out all phone stuff, because that, for me, is even worse than email.
Doctors are useless when it comes to my health condition. Most of them know nothing about it, and don’t care to learn. I have a book that helps, if I work at it more.
December 7, 2016 at 5:34 pm #122213MimiParticipantAnita, thank you so much for all of your suggestions. My husband did recommend meditation to me last night. I’ve been meaning to get back to it, but my “monkey mind” makes it a real challenge. I will work on that, because I do think it could help me a lot, as would getting back to exercising.
I will try to work on reminding my mom and friend about my sensitivity, depression, etc. They do know and care, but maybe need specific suggestions about cutting down and also toning down the content.
Thank you so much!
December 7, 2016 at 6:31 pm #122216AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Mimi. Post anytime.
anitaDecember 8, 2016 at 5:03 pm #122301MimiParticipantAnita, I just wanted to add that you are so right about my disrupted sleep and other things making me more easily disturbed by everything people write to me.
I know that I need to be more gentle with myself (not beating myself up for not being able to do more or handle more), but also work towards gaining control of my days. I mean, making time for meditation, drawing, and other things that help me feel better, instead of being harmed (in a way) by all of the things coming in from the outside.
Thank you again for all of your help. From what I’ve seen, you are always writing such good things here, and helping a lot of people. Thank you on behalf of all of us. You should feel good about what you do every day to help others. It’s an important and meaningful thing to be doing.
December 8, 2016 at 6:38 pm #122305AnonymousGuestDear Mimi:
Thank you for your appreciation, for your kind words.
The title of your thread: “How to care …” you meant how to care for others… I say: care for yourself first and foremost. Plan your day with your well being in mind as your first priority, first responsibility. The little girl that you were is still in you, she is still there, reading these very lines: take good care of her. You owe her your best.
anita
December 9, 2016 at 5:46 pm #122358MimiParticipantDear Anita,
Wow, I’m tearing up now, because I was such a troubled little girl, so miserable and lonely. I’m just lucky that my mom has improved so much, and now is one of my best friends.
You’re right, though. I’m so often thinking of what I need to do each day, not what would help me the most.
It’s just amazing sometimes how someone outside of the situation and the intense feelings can see something much more clearly than we do. That’s why I come here. This is a place for good insights.
You are so right, I do need to focus on taking care of myself. Again, I’m tearing up (I mean crying tears, not ripping things – the silly English language, eh?). If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t keep trying to take care of everyone else – my husband, my mom, my best friend. I’m not doing a great job at those things anyway, because I keep falling apart.
Thank you so much for giving me some clarity about this, once again. I mean, more good advice.
Sorry if I’m not entirely making sense. My sleep was extra bad.
Thank you, Anita. Bless you!
December 9, 2016 at 6:14 pm #122359AnonymousGuestDear Mimi:
You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes.
This troubled little girl that you were, so miserable and lonely, is the one tearing up twenty minutes ago, when you posted the above. Do care for her, direct your empathy to her, let her know she is your number 1. Talk to her as you lie awake in bed, ask her questions, listen to her answers; soothe her if she is scared. Promise her that she is no longer alone.
Hope you sleep well.
anita
December 9, 2016 at 6:16 pm #122360AnonymousGuest* Post didn’t record, trying again…
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