Eliana

I do practice seeing other people as myself since i began to dabble in Buddhist teachings a couple years ago. I found this helped me to be more compassionate towards others, especially difficult or angry people. Also, it has helped me level with people meaning I no longer put people on a pedestal so to speak, or idolize them, I understand we’re all a little rough around  the edges.

Despite the fact when I began dating this last woman, I went into it with the mindstate that no one else is going to make me happy (much different than in my past), that is my responsibility. I still feel the overwhelming need for support and love from other people. Taking responsibility for my own happiness certainly has helped me to be more relaxed when going on dates and meeting people in general than in the past. This was reflected back to me when she told me how nervous she was at first, and that I was quickly able to make her feel very comfortable being herself with me. That was good to hear, because I think it means I communicate authentically, and honestly. At least I can take that with me as a sign of growth and progress.

Anita

I talked to my mom this morning because i was a mess and having trouble getting out of bed. I admitted to her that I didn’t feel the love as a child, and still have trouble feeling it. She cried a little bit, but admitted that she knew this was true and regretted leaving me alone so much as a kid and not hugging or showing affection towards me and my sister, she said she looks back at pictures from my childhood and it’s clear to her how sad I was. She admitted to her and my father being inaccessible and unresponsive to my emotional needs as a child. She explained that it was even hard for her to allow my friends to come over when I was in high school, she wasn’t aware of how afraid of letting people into her home and close to her she was because of what happened to her as a child. Essentially I inherited her fear and unlovability she felt for herself because of trauma she went through.

After this conversation I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, even though it shouldn’t have took her explicitly telling me that I wasn’t properly cared for, it feels like I finally have the permission to stop blaming myself, and to really begin to love myself through empathy as you said. It finally feels like it’s not all my fault I grew up with all these issues, instead of me just telling myself it’s not my fault. I was just a kid after all, and that kid is still part of me. I’ve got to be kinder towards that part of me, and not be angry with it for being in need.

Easier said than done of course but this is certainly progress, even though i thought i loved myself every so often something happens that tests me and brings my truest feelings to the surface. I’m positive i’m nowhere near done dealing with this, it’s likely i will still feel depressed, still want to give up, and still not love myself like I should, but at least now I know why I feel this way and how I should treat myself in those situation.

For that I am thankful for this site, Anita, Eliana, and Tatjiana, you all have helped me gain some perspective, hope, and relief before I can see my therapist next week.

Rich

A small update on my situation. Went to therapy this monday, and my therapist reiterated much of what was said here. Especially in respect to allowing myself to care for and feel compassion for the child who did not receive the love he needed. Also how the need for love and safety are conflicted within me. My mom also revealed to me that she was suicidal when i was a baby, and once left me and my sister alone while she tried to kill herself with pills in the next room. This explained alot for me, as to why i have the attachment issues i have.

I’ve been trying to be more compassionate towards the hurt child in me this week that is desperate for connection, but so far I am still having trouble enduring the pain itself, I don’t know if I’m just not as resilient as I’ve been during tough times in the past, or if i’m just burntout on constantly trying to heal/improve myself. Either way my motivation has plummeted this week, and i’ve pretty much been pushing the pain down with weed just to get through the day. I know it’s not wise, because the pain comes right back, but I’ve kind of reached a point where nothing really matters too much to me anymore. life just feels like a treadmill of endless needs that are impossible for me to meet. Honestly I feel ungrateful when i’m depressed like this, I always think i should be happier simply because i’m fed, housed, and healthy but I tell myself this and it makes me feel worse because now I feel i’m undeserving on top of everything else. Maybe i’m far too attached the idea that companionship, intimacy, and closeness is a real possibility for me. I’m trying to convince myself to keep trying but i think the part of me that just wants to feel safe by withdrawing from people, and getting high is winning right now, and I don’t know where to find the strength to keep fighting anymore.

I

I have pretty much always struggled with perfectionism, it was the reason I was/am so hard on myself, I was a very well mannered child, excellent student, overachiever etc. I did this because I always thought if I could discipline myself it would make my parents life easier, which it ultimately did, they never had to spank me as a kid, or tell me something twice, but it caused me to be hypervigillant of any imperfection I had which ultimately led to me starting to self harm out of frustration of never being “good enough”. I honestly thought I had begun to accept myself, I no longer hide my scars which took years to get to that point. I can see though that battle is not over, but trying to tell myself I can’t do it alone and I’m worthy of help/love is still a struggle just because I have always been the most composed rock solid person in my family, at work, or with friends.

I refuse to take medication I’ve sertraline twice for about 3 months on two separate occasions and hated it. My personal opinion on antidepressants is that I might as well be self medicating with weed, less side effects, and I can use as needed. To me antidepressants just made me way to numb.