How to fix life when I have messed up multiple aspects of it?

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by Bill.

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March 22, 2023 at 7:23 am #416585

A
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Hi,

Summary: Facing issues of unemployment, anxiety, unrequited feelins, and physical injury, and don’t know how to begin fixing my life.

I am 29. I had left my job about 1.5 years back in a fit as I had got bored of it. Far from doing something productive in my break, I wasted time on social media, got in a spiral of anxiety(which I have suffered before as well), and when I tried to improve myself by exercising, I tore my ACL(ligament in the knee) which makes it difficult for me to even walk. I might undergo surgery next month and it will take a minimum of 6 months-1 year time for me to recover somewhat according to the doctors. On top of it, recently I have developed feelings for and spent days thinking about someone who I have had one interaction with and who doesn’t even remember me.

I have always had a casual approach to life, with no control over my emotions, addicted to short-term pleasure, and doing the bare minimum. Now when I see my old parents suffering because of me when they have problems on their own, I feel helpless and angry. I am not sure where to even begin fixing my life.

I feel like a sad pathetic person and am not looking for comforting words but for some direction on how to go about fixing my life by fixing my day-to-day.

Thanks for reading! Any advice is appreciated.

March 22, 2023 at 9:19 am #416593

Peter
Participant

I feel like a sad pathetic person and am not looking for comforting words but for some direction on how to go about fixing my life by fixing my day-to-day

I think you answered your own question with the suggestion of taking things day to day, perhaps focusing on steps you can accomplish day by day.

I personally don’t like the word fix in this context, not sure why…. (thinking out loud) much of our suffering comes from wishing things were other then they were, if only this, should of this… as if such thinking could change our past experiences and changing the past fix our future. The source of our If only’s, and should of’s tend to be about ego and control , a desire or even demand that life be as we deem it should to be other then as it is. To fix things within that context would likely continue trying to control life as we would will it to be vice engage in life as it is in the moment where we actually have influence to change, inevitably leading to more suffering and stuckness.

We can’t fix the past or the future, we can however learn and learning better do better. A change in perspective that is more growth orientated then a ‘fixed’ a one. My feeling is that from such a perspective one is more likely be kinder to one self and avoid such labeling as pathetic. Such labeling being unhelpful in the day-to-day approach to change. More of a flow with life then trying push against it.

Not sure if thier was any advice in that, just thoughts. The following from Auden cam to mind as I was thinking out loud. To move forward we have to let our illusion die, which isn’t saying that we don’t feel what were feeling about our past and such. Only that we don’t hold on to them as if they are the reality of the present. Effectively creating the things we fear

“We would rather be ruined than changed
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.” ― W H Auden

March 22, 2023 at 12:03 pm #416605

Tee
Participant

Dear A,

I feel like a sad pathetic person and am not looking for comforting words but for some direction on how to go about fixing my life by fixing my day-to-day.

Although you’re not looking for comforting words, I think the best place to start is self-compassion. I agree with Peter that it’s easier to make changes if we don’t approach it from the place of self-blame and criticism, but rather, trying to understand ourselves and why we are the way we are…

I have always had a casual approach to life, with no control over my emotions, addicted to short-term pleasure, and doing the bare minimum.

There is a reason why you don’t have control over your emotions… one possibility is that perhaps your parents didn’t know how to soothe you when you were upset, or they didn’t have time to deal with your emotional states? What I am trying to say is that it’s not your fault, but the consequence of the outer circumstances. Addiction to short-term pleasure could be (just as an example) the consequence of the belief that one is a failure, or that they are incompetent, and so they need to soothe the pain of that feeling by engaging in short-term pleasures. Doing the bare minimum can be the result of the same belief…

I am giving these examples to illustrate that there is a reason for why you behave the way you behave. And that you shouldn’t blame yourself and tell yourself you’re pathetic, but rather try to understand yourself. And have empathy for yourself. That will allow you to start the kind of changes that are deep and sustainable, not just temporary.

I agree with Peter that the best is to take it day-by-day. Start with small changes, don’t expect perfection and sudden wonders. Just something small and positive every day. A knee surgery might be necessary, and even if the recovery is long, it will be better in the long run and allow you to return to normal life. You need to accept that, not fight against it. As Peter said, some things we need to accept, because that’s the only way we can go through them and heal.

I’d love to talk to you more about your process and about the feelings that come up, if you’d like to.

Wishing you good luck!

March 22, 2023 at 1:34 pm #416611

Roberta
Participant

Dear A

How about flipping your perspective. Your life at the moment is a blank canvas, how do you want to live your life? who or what is important to you? Many people find volunteering brings about a sense of worthiness & companionship. At the moment you have one luxury that many people do not have and that is time…..you can choose to bring peace & beauty into your life & others. When visiting my son in London I would pick up the trash on my way around the park or popping to the shop. Befriending an elderly person can be rewarding for both parties and these options does not cost you anything.

April 5, 2023 at 11:44 am #417078

A
Participant

Hi Guys, Apologies for replying so late. I have started my physiotherapy sessions to rehab my ligaments(2 are torn) and I am resting otherwise. Spending so much time in bed has been very frustrating but I have a lot of time now to think and reflect on how I can make my life better.

Thank you for your wonderful suggestions. Let me reflect on them and try to begin implementing them in my life. I will comment on the post with my reflections and findings about your suggestions!

I hope you guys have a great day!

April 5, 2023 at 12:50 pm #417079

Roberta
Participant

Dear A

I hope the physio is working for you. I subscribe to Daily Good, everyday they send an interesting article to read and also a suggestion for something to try out. Also both action for happiness and greater good science do monthly calendars with a different suggestion for each day ( this would give you some structure in your life). Grateful living does a daily quote which gives my mind something to ponder on throughout the day and I also like to neatly copy out any quote that I have found really helpful.

April 6, 2023 at 6:55 am #417092

Tee
Participant

Dear A,

you’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started physiotherapy – hope you’ll recover fully and there won’t be a need for surgery.

Happy to hear you’re thinking a little more positively, including how you can improve your life. Since you must rest a lot, reading motivational materials, like Roberta suggested, can be super helpful.

Also, know that you have it in you – to make your life better. You’ve got what it takes. Maybe you’ll need some help in form of therapy to heal those past wounds, so you can have a fresh start. But never forget that you’ve got what it takes!

I wish you speedy recovery with you knee, and slow but steady improvement in the rest of your life! Let us know how things are going…

May 14, 2023 at 1:02 pm #418741

Bill
Participant

Hi,

Look at it like this. Do you want to rewrite this when your 39? 49? You’ll get another job if you search enough, you can always delete your social media, your injury will heal up. Lots of people suffer from anxiety. You’ll have to work on that. You’ll won’t like me for saying this but there’s not much wrong with your life. It’s more the way your looking at things.
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