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How to forgive people who I know will never be sorry

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • April 5, 2025 at 5:18 pm #444664
    MissLDuchess
    Participant

    Right now I’m going through a classic quarter-life crisis at 26 where I am constantly questioning whether going to college was worth it given the financial instability of the post-pandemic world (I graduated in 2020). I struggled a lot socially in college as I felt pressure to perform my best academically (I’ve struggled with learning disabilities and time management most of my life). I had a really rough first semester as I had an incompatible roommate who could not have been more different from me in personality, beliefs, lifestyle etc which made a friendship unrealistic let alone cohabitation. She’d keep me up all night with loud phone calls and playing music even if she saw me waking up. I was never good with setting boundaries so I regret not bringing up this issue on day 1 to avoid resentment. Our RA was not helpful or empathetic and when we had a roommate at the end of first semester this roommate was angry at me for “snitching” and complaining about her behavior when in reality if she cared about having a good relationship as roommates she should’ve been considerate. This situation still really stings for me since out of survival mode I had to go home on weekends to catch up on sleep or get work done which later became a defense mechanism I used to avoid putting myself out there and trying to make friends. I regret this to this day. I am still very angry at this situation since I filled out the form to the best of my ability and still got someone completely incompatible. Literally the only thing we had in common was that we both requested all-women dorms. I’m also angry at the RA for gaslighting me and telling me to “not assume” this roommate didn’t care about me even after she violated a roommate agreement several times. This roommate was two-faced and tried to play a sweet, innocent, pious facade in front of others and pretend she cared about me in front of the RA but was completely callous, brash, and manipulative to me in private. I feel so envious of people who clicked with their freshman year roommates and had fun dorm experiences when this experience just caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and trauma when I was already in a vulnerable period of my life. I remember when I went to housing to show them the medical forms and the person asked who my roommate was. I said her name and the woman replied “she’s sweet” to which I said “no she’s not” and mentioned how unpleasant, entitled (she’d also take my things without asking after I asked her to ask for permission first) this person was because I was so fed-up. These kind of experiences where I got burned after trying to give someone a chance are why I have trust issues and feel it’s easier to keep to myself rather than to risk getting hurt again. My mom says I need to let go of these grudges since these people probably never think of me but I still feel really angry that I had to go through this. How can I forgive people who would never apologize or realize they did anything wrong to me so I can move on with my life and welcome the right friendships and experiences my way?

    April 6, 2025 at 8:42 am #444666
    anita
    Participant

    Dear MissLDuchess:

    Across your three threads, a strong, self-aware individual emerges—someone who has faced real struggles but continues to seek meaning, connection, and growth.

    You recognize how past wounds have shaped your experiences with relationships and trust. You see how defense mechanisms have held you back, yet you keep pushing forward, working to break old patterns. Despite setbacks, you continue searching for meaningful friendships and remain committed to healing.

    Your choice to pursue NVLD counseling after graduation reflects your determination to improve your life. You have a deep need for connection, but hesitancy lingers due to past betrayals. You long for genuine friendships yet worry about rejection and judgment. The weight of past mistreatment and unresolved emotions still lingers, making it hard to let go.

    At the same time, you recognize your own kindness, intelligence, and humor—qualities that make you a wonderful friend when people take the time to see them.

    Your Strengths, as I see them, are * Rational and Emotional Intelligence- You balance thoughtful analysis with deep emotional awareness, * Resilience & Persistence- Despite painful setbacks, you continue seeking friendships and personal growth, * Empathy & Capacity for Connection – You have a lot of love to give, even though it hasn’t always been received as you hoped.

    Your Challenges: * Difficulty Trusting Others – Past betrayals make opening up feel risky, * Holding Onto Grudges – Unresolved anger keeps you emotionally anchored in the past, * Comparison & Self-Doubt – You measure yourself against others who seem more socially connected or successful, * Fear Of Missed Opportunities (FOMO)

    Healing isn’t about forgetting—it’s about reframing past pain so it no longer defines your future. A few thoughts to hold onto:

    * Others’ actions were about them, not you. Their treatment of you wasn’t a reflection of your worth.
    * You are not behind in life. Your journey is different, and different doesn’t mean wrong. Your timeline is your own. Growth, healing, and meaningful relationships happen at different paces for everyone (See About FOMO below)
    * Letting go of resentment frees you emotionally. Holding onto anger toward people who won’t apologize keeps you stuck instead of moving forward. (easier said than done, as I was stuck in resentment for many years).
    * Trust can be rebuilt. Some friendships will be worth the risk—building connections in the present can break painful patterns from the past.

    About FOMO: It is the anxiety or discomfort that comes from feeling like others are experiencing something exciting or valuable, while you’re left out. It can relate to social events, career opportunities, relationships, or personal growth—basically, anything where you feel like you’re falling behind or missing out on something better.

    Managing FOMO: 1. Challenge the Illusion of “Missing Out”- Social media in particular often highlights the best moments of people’s lives—it doesn’t show the struggles, boredom, or setbacks. Remind yourself that you don’t need to experience everything to have a fulfilling life.

    2. Define What Actually Matters to You- Ask yourself: Am I missing out on something I truly want, or just reacting to what others are doing? Focus on what aligns with your own values, goals, and happiness instead of chasing experiences just because others are.

    You are not stuck—you are building a life that aligns with who you are. It may take time, but you are already on that path.

    Sending you support and encouragement 🌟

    anita

    April 6, 2025 at 10:40 am #444670
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Miss Duchess

    Is it okay if I call you that?

    First of all I want to say congratulations on graduating!

    I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult room mate in college. It is not easy living with people sometimes. Unfortunately, her behaviour is pretty common in that age group. It must have been hard having your sleep disturbed when you were just interested in focusing on your studies. I’m sorry to hear that your concerns weren’t taken seriously when you asked for help.

    Forgiveness can look different to different people. I like to try my best to learn from situations, that way I can put them behind me. Do you think there are any ways that you could handle the situation differently?

    April 6, 2025 at 10:58 am #444671
    MissLDuchess
    Participant

    Thank you. If I could go back in time I would’ve been more proactive in not ignoring red flags thinking I had to avoid conflict to try and befriend this person from day 1. I would’ve also pestered housing about getting a room change since the RA was indifferent and not invested. I try to look at silver linings but it feels unfair having to learn some lessons through fear, discomfort, and people just being callous. At least now there is more awareness of gaslighting and ways people can be manipulative. With this person if I would tell her I felt like she took things out on me when she was going through a hard time she’d accuse me of that (projection). During orientation I asked her if she wanted to get breakfast and she said no but months later she claimed she was the one who had asked me to get breakfast and I rejected her. She’d also tell me I was too sensitive and if I wanted to live with a friend to “move out”. She’d stay up all night and when I had to leave to go to classes she yelled at me for turning on the light even though it was 11:00 am. Luckily as I get older I’m better at not letting unpleasant people or people who aren’t my cup of tea get under my skin to the point where I lash out and end up looking like the bad guy. Most of these people end up being temporary since we never had much in common to begin with only one shared circumstance by coincidence. This person wasn’t even from the same country so even if we had clicked we would’ve eventually had to go our separate ways if since she is from halfway around the world. I know a lot of people have had roommates they couldn’t stand but it hurts when I hear people talking about friendships they made in dorms and with random roommates. I know people from my same school whose roommates played on the same sports teams as them, were from the same area, or played in the same orchestra so that must be really nice having common ground for a genuine friendship. This person and I unfortunately ended up having a class together my sophomore year first semester so that was really awkward. If it had been a year prior maybe that would’ve given us something to bond over. I currently live alone which is the best for my studies and mental health but it gets really isolating on days where I don’t talk in person to anyone. I’m grateful to have found a few close friends over the years even if they weren’t in my undergrad but it’s rough living in a place where I only have acquaintances and don’t fit into any of the cliques that have formed around me.

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