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How to know what he wants… FWB or more?

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  • #71290
    Anyone
    Participant

    He started with FWB which was new for me and I couldn’t take it. Then he gave a mixed answer saying we are more than friends but doesn’t want me to be hurt in the end, which I perceive as he can’t commit for whatever reasons. I know he can’t proceed due to family commitments. Time and again he would mention ‘as a friend’. When asked if he misses me, he says as a friend I miss you like I miss any other friend. This time I broke up twice with him. At many instances I have noticed he cares and feels for me. The intimacy is more of love moments of hugging and kissing than just lust of having sex. We have spent only two nights together in 2 months . If he wanted only sex, he wouldn’t pursue so much. Daily in touch with messages and atleast one call. I’m confused as to what he wants. Sure I know what I want (a committed relationship else I’m happy being single).

    My questions:
    1) Is he looking for attention only
    2) Since he knows I like to be committed, is it what attracts him?
    3) I stay alone and he considers me beautiful and irresistible. Is it sex that he doesn’t want to end it.
    4) He respects me and my space and tries to be a wonderful friend. It’s too confusing!

    I’m bad at understanding psychology and people, could you please share your thoughts and throw some light!:-)

    #71305
    AliceRose
    Participant

    No one can plot the course for you, but i will try to offer some perspective from a distance. It seems to be that he is a good guy and does care for you. Likes being with you. Is good to you otherwise. He doesn’t want to hurt you, but he is not head over heels in love with you. Is he waiting for something that really knocks him over but playing it safe with you? Sometimes a relationship like this can turn into more when he either appreciates you or feels he has tried everything else out there. But do YOU want to be second best? What are you passing up in the meantime? Tick Tock, your life is passing by. If you are like me, you commit emotionally and find it hard to look at others. He can play the field more readily by virtue of being male. Just works that way.

    Cautionary tale: I had a friend who lived with a guy for several years. She was all in. He would not commit to marriage. Eventually they had a direct conversation. She asked him if he wanted to get married. His response: “Yes, but not to you.” Boom. I suggest asking the hard questions before you spend your precious years being there for someone who isn’t really there for you in return. None of us can get the time back that we spend in dead-end relationships. (or bad marriages).

    Ultimately, I think that if you want more, you have to push yourself to go out and get it elsewhere! It’s your life to live. Don’t waste it waiting.

    #71475
    Anne
    Participant

    A question with no judgement – when you say he has family commitments, do you mean that you are having an affair?

    #71484
    Anyone
    Participant

    Thank you aliceinwonderland. It’s exactly what you mentioned. He wants to play safe. Just to update. I decided to severe contact with him and explained him that friends with benefit is out of my understanding. He wants to be friends, but the fire would ignite again and then I would be emotionally involved, which is highly draining, so I decided to put a stop to it.

    Anne,
    Yes it was an affair for me. Family commitment in India means he would marry a girl of his parents’ choice, of their caste, which they approve of. And to be stay with parents to take care of them until they’re alive.

    #71669
    Anyone
    Participant

    And while I’m trying my best to let it go….I realize I was already into him…so hard to forget his kisses, hugs, the time spent together…..don’t believe it was without emotions… good that he is giving me the space I needed. No contacts. Sure it would have hurt much more had I continued a little further than this. The first meeting was so good and seemed to be just the right person, then the shock came when he said all about friends with benefits…. Mind still boggles when I get reminded of that night….

    So much yet so little…

    I wish I get someone who wants to spend life, sincere, loyal, honest, loving, caring……

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