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HOW TO LET GO??

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  • #50634
    Neetika
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I’m in desperate need of help right now..

    I was dating this guy for the past two and half years. We had a pretty intense relationship and soon both of us started to feel complete with each other. We are both staying away from our families in a different country all together. We soon decided to move in and live together. When I met him, I was not in the best phase of my life. I was going through some immigration issues, wasn’t able to find a job in my field of interest even after two years of graduating and was having relationship issues, where I was hopping from one person to another in desperate need to find true love with never happened. I only got rejected, abused and cheated in return. I was in a very disturbed frame of mind and thought of ending my life on several occasions. I knew it would be a very easy way out and a very weak step but I use to pray every night before going to bed, hoping not to wake up the next morning. I’m glad that phase has passed and is much behind me now. But what I was going through is indescribable. I met my bf through a common friend and soon he gave me the strength to carry on with my life. He took care of me like a parent would of a child, like a spouse would in times of crisis. He supported me emotionally, mentally and financially. We both started living together hoping to get married in future. I soon started to feel that my journey in finding the true love has ended and he is the one for me.

    But somehow, the ghosts of my past relationships refused to leave me. I use to remain anxious all the time and worried fearing that one day he won’t be there. He would leave me like every other guy does. He saw me crumble in front of him, he saw me going into a depressive state because I could not get myself a good job and couldn’t see my folks for almost two years by then because of my visa issue. But he never left me, he stayed. We had the worst fights. In the fits of anger said the worst things to each other for which we both later regretted too but he continued to stay. There were times when he packed his bags and decided to leave but I begged him to stay asking for forgiveness and promising that I will one day be able to love him without any fears and negativity – but I couldn’t. I failed to express my love for him because I got so consumed with fear, anxiety and stress. And we had another major issue: our families. We both come from India where the families are the most important thing for a person in helping them make their most important life decisions but also a place where differences due to caste, creed and social status is very much prevalent too. Our families were not of an equal social status which I knew in my head could be a major issue. Yet I decided to take a risk with my life hoping that it at last would reward me in some way.

    He decided to meet my parents and due to my work commitments I couldn’t tag along. My parents were OK with him but when both his family and mine met – they did not gel at all. We both started getting parental pressure to end this relationship. My family was against our relationship – they did NOT know that were living together and how intense our relationship was because both our families are very conservative. He came back and we decided to give it another go – hoping that things might work out. But that the situation got the best of me. I did not want to leave my parents and didn’t want to leave him either. I started questioning him and myself and this led to the worst of fights between us. I started losing faith in myself and him and questioned his every move. I did not think for a second of all the good/great things he did for me and only focused on expecting more out of him. I started thinking that if I leave my parents- the people in my life whom I love more that I love myself – for him that I need to very sure that he wouldn’t change after marriage. So I started expecting the unexpected from him. And this only made things worse.

    A lot of things were spoken off from both the ends which were quite bitter and I soon started feeling that what my parents think is probably right – maybe it wont work out between us, maybe he was with me for some other selfish reason. But my other part told me to still have faith and save this relationship – after all he was there for me when no one else was and we continued. And soon our fights started getting physical and abusive. We both had raging temperament and were up each others throat every second day. The thought of choosing between my family and him forced me again to end my life. I started self-loathing myself even more thinking that I’m weak, incapable of loving and not good enough for anyone. I don’t deserve to live because I’ve turned into this negative person and probably there is no way out. I also bashed myself for not being able to keep him happy. At the same time, I wanted this misery to end – what I was doing to him, I’ll repent for the rest of my life, I thought and what I was doing to myself I didn’t care the least.

    As a result, we both decided to separate in Dec 2013, after one and a half years of living together and one year of trying to work things – where we only fought and lost respect for each other. He told me he no more felt anything for me while I had a 1% hope still left in me. We met other people through our parents and things didn’t work out. We decided to stay in touch and be cordial enough to let each other know if we find someone. In the back of my head, I still felt that he loved me and he knew that I had feelings for him too. But just recently, I found out that his parents have fixed his alliance and he’s forcefully being pushed into getting married to a girl of his parents choice – to which he has agreed. That is when I feel life has hit me again.

    I know that I’m no saint. I know that what I’ve done to him and made him gone through is unforgivable. I deeply regret doing what I did to him and have asked for forgiveness from him and from god. But I know for a fact, that I won’t find anyone like me – someone who would still stick by me after seen me in the worst case scenarios, someone who would support me and give me strength in every aspect of my life. He did want to leave on several occasions but did come back to me. Somewhere I feel that I started taking him for granted. And when the decision was made to end this relationship, I didn’t care about myself. All I thought was that at least he’s free. I’m not living with him day-in and day-out feeling guilty of what I’m making him go through.

    I know what he’s going through he isn’t exactly happy with that but hes doing it for the sake of his parents. I know now that he has 0% feelings for me in his heart… But I just need help … I’m finding it hard to let go… I’m getting to a stage where I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy or find love.. I’m losing my head again and I don’t want to go back into a rut… FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I WANT TO BE STRONG and WANT TO SAVE MYSELF… I’ve made myself go through a lot.. I’m my worst enemy.. And I’m scared……I don’t know what to do and how to do it… PLEASE HELP ME!!!..

    #50644
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Nikki,

    I completely understand what you’re going through. This was kind of my plight a week ago. I have lost hope to find another person for my life, but I have accepted that I don’t need to be thinking and worrying about it right now. Life goes on. Day before yesterday I was stuck with many negative thoughts in the bed while waking up; losing time and not realizing it. Then I shook myself and got up; engaged myself in household chores, watching tv, etc. I started feeling better.

    My friend, it’s not easy to go through fights, specially when it turns physical (I had been through it and the worst part I still share the same neighbors who had seen it all).

    I believe, it’s always better to part ways when we are not sure if we want to go ahead with a person (in other words, if you’re not happy with your decision, you would never be able to keep him happy). As an Indian, I can only say that you saved yourself from the mess that could come after marriage (where you are not just married to the guy, but the family). Stop feeling guilty, stop being harsh on yourself. And in his and your better interests, cease all the contacts, if any, with him; more because he is starting a new life now. I would say to you ‘MOVE ON’. It’s easier said than done. But you have gathered the courage and will to make your life better. You can do it. Go easy with yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Love yourself. Because you’re an amazing person at heart. Make peace with your past.

    Get REAL
    R: Realise that you have been through hurtful situations. Realize the reality.
    E: Engage yourself in Positive thinking. Do things that make you happy.
    A: Accept the fact that you’re not perfect. Don’t compare yourself to others.
    L: Love yourself unconditionally. For you have a beautiful heart and you’re unique.

    Hope it helps!

    Lots of positivity and courage to you:-)

    #50684
    Jish
    Participant

    hi my dear indian girl,

    This is an Indian guy, I had similar issues with my parents. They failed to understand sensitive issues of me in childhood. I went on depression. I tried to make them understand through out my 25 years of age. Since i was not having a good parental guidance i failed to have good friendship . I dint had any siblings, relatives or i dint have any grand parents. Life was terribly alone. I came to USA all alone and with all depression i managed to act happy in society and also performed well in academics. But my loneliness followed. Still my parents were same. I lost trust like you to have any good friendship or relationship. Many good friends approached to bond . I simply refused because of insecurity and left myself alone. But deep inside i wanted to submit myself to someone. As i have never experienced as a child to mother or a son to my father or any sort of bond to anyone. My heart was bleeding.
    I am very spiritual and believe in God . So i always talk with God. Once a thought stroked up in my mind. If i have a kid and if i have to go out for a movie would i leave my kid with a neighbor. My answer was NO. I would wish to take care of my kid myself, Because i understand about my kid more than my neighbor. Now in my case why do i expect someone to take care of me. As I am with ME. Dont you realize we are 2 of us inside. So i understand myself and i love myself.

    Now hope you got my answer. You really dont have to submit your self to anyone. I dont mean you to stay alone. We all need someone in life but first love yourself, forgive yourself as you know better about yourself. We are just learning life. So dont regret for the “dead past” as your are wasting your present moment. Be happy. You are always there for you.

    take care…………

    #50708
    Sunny
    Participant

    Hey,
    I guess all us Indians are quite similar. Similarly three years ago, I would hear about stories similar to yours, I never dreamed in my sweet little life that someday I would have a ‘story.’ I am sorry to say this so bluntly but he’s gone. Indian families are harsh and I had to learn this the hard way. I know you can’t forget about him, it’s the hardest thing to do sometimes. I still sometimes think about the person that was once near and dear to my heart not to long ago. I am an American born Indian and he was a master’s student from India.
    He always made me feel beneath him. His biggest issue was my weight, he was a bit of a showoff and I suppose he wanted a pretty, skinny girl on his arm. I wasn’t either things, plus I wasn’t a fancy engineer or anywhere remotely near a science field like him. Long story short after a year of meeting month to month, I ended up picking a grad school closer to him. My parents were pushing us for marriage. He said that he wanted me to get in shape first. I dieted hard and did end up losing most of my weight. He still wasn’t satisfied as I wasn’t built like most thin little twiggy indian girls. I guess wanting to be accepted I opted for plastic surgery. The pain was unbearable.
    Barely a month after the surgery his brother and sister-in-law came to visit me, and I could feel them judging me harshly. They only stayed for two hours and towards the end my grandfather asked whether they wanted to take this relationship forward. His sister-in-law looked towards me and said
    “well you don’t take photos that great…oh sorry I mean clearly.” She basically accused me of wasting her time because in real life, I didn’t meet her standards.
    I can still remember the look of embarrassment on my families and the pain that ate at my heart. It was awful the way their family had treated, after all I was a human being. But yes like you I remember slowly our peaceful relationship ending into peaces. Day after day arguing and crying. I think problems manifest into arguments, you know in your heart something much greater is wrong and in this case it was his family thinking he could do better than someone like me.
    Fast forward present day, he ended up marrying a pretty little skinny girl, the way his family wanted. I am still unsettled, still finding my path. He forgot a 2.5 year relationship so easily in one which he tormented me. You only broke up in Dec 2013, so your pain is still so fresh. Your journey is only beginning. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. I stopped all progress in my life. You have to work hard to find yourself and rebuild your identity. It’s not going to be easy, believe me. It’s okay to think about him, there is no time limit to heal. However in the mist of what he put me through I pulled myself together, and am now engaged to a great man, that is much more emotionally supportive. I know once you find someone else, you will feel the difference. Let him marry the girl his Mummy and Daddy want him to marry (although it’s going to hurt you a great deal), because there is something so much better out there for you.
    There are so many people in the same boat as you, you aren’t less than anyone else. As for you not being able to keep to him happy, don’t ever let this thought come into your head. HE wasn’t able to keep to you happy, and your intuition was warning you about the impending dangers. Your happiness is so much more important. Don’t let go, instead use this experience to rise up from the ashes and start your healing and rebuilding process. This after all was an experience you had to ‘experience’ has a human. I wish you luck.

    #50738
    Neetika
    Participant

    Thank you so much for responding guys!! Means a lot..

    A part of me understands and accepts the fact that whatever happens, it happens for the best.. But there’s another part that kicks in, making me feel insecure!!

    I need a lot of strength and courage to find my inner demons first, in order to be remain happy.. But sometimes it just feels hard implementing these things..

    I do appreciate the encouragement that you all have passed on to me and my heart goes out to you all as well after listening to your personal experiences.. I just to constantly remind myself to imbibe positivity so that I can pull through this situation 🙂

    #50741
    Neetika
    Participant

    Just need** to

    #50773
    sojourner
    Participant

    Hi Nikki, Letting someone go is hard enough without mixing the cultural/family issue in as well. So much pressure. My heart hurts for you. The other writers emphasize that you focus on loving yourself and becoming whole yourself. Do the things YOU want to that make you happy. You must learn to rely on your own strength and heart to give you what you need. I read something recently : “Together you are one, apart you are whole.” I’m going to try and embrace that approach for myself because I’ve had some of the same issues as you in the relationship and maybe it will help you too.

    Everything you need is inside of you. The love and relationships that bring us joy are blessed extras. Write yourself a love letter, start treating yourself with respect and compassion. You are worthy and unique. You don’t need anyone else to complete you, which doesn’t mean you can’t have a full and satisfying relationship, but you need to heal you first.

    Blessings and Peace…you are not alone on your journey.

    #50794
    Renee
    Participant

    Hi Nikki
    I think we can all relate to your story some way or the other. You have made me realize how people like us are not alone. I recently had a similar incident. Weird how we Indians are talking about parental pressure. I had a beautiful relationship for a year having being friends with this guy for 3 years before that. We never realized how and when our friendship transformed into love. We stood by each other through thick and thin, first as friends and then as lovers. Until last year when my family started to insist on marriage. The guy was more than happy and our families met. His family who has agreed to our alliance before however changed their heart the day we met because I was older to him by few years. Yet he assured me he is standing by me. And then I went to India end of the year, only to return to a broken world. 4 days into me returning back, the first day we met after my 3 week long India trip, he broke off with me. Parental pressure, he admitted it plus certain family matters had changed the dynamics he said. I was lost and shattered. I lost my appetite. I was fixed at that moment when he left me and I didn’t know how to wake myself up from that nightmare. Slowly, I am coming terms to reality. It has been a difficult process after giving yourself 100% into something you believe in, but once your start your journey to rediscovering yourself, you will make progress.

    You will go through the blame, anger phase where you will blame yourself, the world, him, his parents, everyone you could possibly blame. That’s fine. But try to consciously draw line to that. Don’t let that take over you. In last 2 months, I have slowly learnt not to hold grudges. It difficult but that’s important.
    Also remember, you are having it better than many others. And that’s true. While I was crying my lungs out on my loss, I met my friend who didn’t just lose father but also a love relationship. I realized my problem was smaller compared to hers.

    So, don’t feel dejected. It’s okay to vent out your emotions once in a while. But don’t let them take over you. Stay positive. Do things you like to do. I have started nurturing my hobbies and I have realized how much I had neglected myself. It’s great to discover your own self. You are the key to your happiness! All the Best *hug*

    #50880
    Neetika
    Participant

    Thanks Renee for your encouraging words..

    Although I do feel that the sooner I accept the reality, the better it is for me.. But I still keep finding myself thinking what if we still have a chance.. A part of me wants to stay away from him and let him be.. I know for a fact, that it isn’t easy for him either.. We only just broke up and now he is forcefully being pushed into making a commitment of a lifetime without even knowing the girl… I do feel guilty for what I made him go through..

    I never ever have felt any compassion for myself, which is just so weird. I for his sake, am thinking that it’s better we broke up because at least one person is moving on..

    The fights that we were having were tearing both of us apart externally and internally… Things were getting way out of hand.. Abusive words, violent behaviour, physical fights and at one point I just wanted it all to stop. I look around and see many couples who through such a phase at some point in their life…

    he situation that I was under made me lose trust in the relationship.. And that’s when he decided to take a call and end it.. Which in a way I feel was right.. But I see myself giving an excuse (if we can call that) saying that I was in a disturbed frame of mind.. When other couples have fights even they are going through a lot but still are able to think clearly.. I keep thinking that why couldn’t I do that.. Why couldn’t I save my relationship? Is something seriously wrong with me?… Am I to be blamed for what ever is happening?? .. Even if I end up being with somebody will it ever be easy.. Will he ever match up to all the positives my ex had/has…

    I’m thinking positive one day – that whatever happens it happens for the best.. Love yourself and find your peace etc etc and then I’m thinking negative the next moment – is it me who is incapable of loving somebody? Am I strong enough to fight against the world for my love, when there are plenty of other people around who do the same? …

    I only know one thing from my heart that I wanted my parents to be happy with it all and my bf too.. I never wanted to hurt either of them..I did not want to abandon any of them.. Although it was both our families who did not gel at all due to ‘n’ number of reasons I did not expect him to leave his family and he didn’t expect that same from me either.. But we constantly kept thinking that after marriage we both would be under a lot of pressure from both side of the families.. Marriage comes with a lot lot of baggage and it would constantly keep us in the firing zone…

    In the fight for hope – to sustain my relationship with family and my bf… I lost myself yet again… And although I know that past actions cannot be undone, why am I still giving myself hope that he may come back??

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Neetika.
    #50887
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Nikki,

    While reading your post, I thought I’m reading my heart a while ago. I had similar feelings of guilt, specially when my mom says to me ‘baat ban jaati hai’ (things get fine with time). That I should have carried on with the rocking marriage. In that moment I say yes, and I start blaming myself for not being able to ‘save’ the relation. In the next moment other part of me thinks…’Am I or was I the only one responsible to save the relation? If so, then good that it ended for the good. And then I recall the number of chances I gave him . It was ‘time’ to take a call for good of everyone..not just the two of us but for both the families’ peace!

    There were many moments where I wished, it could be so good if was just a little bit lenient with his ego and understanding, things could have been so different and beautiful. Answer – May be he didn’t want this, due to which I was suffering with torture for being there for him and doing everything he wanted me to do.

    Sometimes we want the relation to work, but we need to open our eyes and see if the other person wants the same too or not? Makes sense? I kept weeping and blaming myself for loooong…Why I couldn’t have the love of my life, why I couldn’t save my relation, I’m a loser. But no, I preferred to save the peace of mind and not participate in this race of winning.

    1) Please stop blaming yourself. For we believe (Taali ek haath se nahin bajti hai) (Nothing happens with one hand)

    2) Your last lines say…’You lost yourself.I look at it as ‘You saved the rest of your life! Life is beautiful and precious; please don’t lose the present by being in the past. Move On. It’s difficult but that’s the trait of the strong!
    God helps those who help themselves. You gotta be there for yourself.

    3) The hope part of getting him back; shows that you’re stuck in the past. What you cannot see that he has decided to marry another person, He has moved on. Now it’s your turn to choose what you want for your life? Past Memories and fake hopes or a New beginning and a wonderful life.

    I’m sorry if I was rude/harsh with my words but it has happened with me and it took a year to shake myself, open my eyes to be what I am now. Above all, hurts me to see anybody else suffering with this ‘stuck in past’ phenomenon. For I have hated enough this part of mine, accepted it, and moved on because Life goes On. For I deserved better than the torture, craziness and fights.

    Stay blessed!

    #51156
    Neetika
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.. You did not sound harsh at all.. My situation was a bit different to yours… He did stood by me through thick and thin.. Even when my parents were against this relationship, I did not end it right away.. Guess I got so dependent on him emotionally and mentally that I did not want to let him go.. He didn’t leave me either thinking that things might work out.. But the stress from the families got the best of us – my parents saying ‘no’ and with his parents and him taking that rejection to heart.. The thought of choosing between him and my parents was taking a toll on me.. I wanted to end my life rather than make such a decision.. And I was not fit emotionally and mentally at that time which made me go crazy even at the smallest of argument or fights.. He started losing cool too but how long would have this thing lasted.. Slowly, we started getting violent during fights and physical fights started happening.. I still blame myself and think that maybe it was my fault and because of my anger and ego that he left me…

    I’m starting to look everything in a different perspective now.. He is moving on.. Good for him… I think we both had driven each other too crazy.. I keep thinking one thing only now – that at least he is happy without me.. At least he is moving on and has found a person who will probably not make him go mad like I did.. I started considering myself abnormal – that something is seriously wrong with me.. And now him being engaged and everything I think that whoever he has met won’t be as bad as me…

    I always use to think and feel that I can give up everything for my parents.. they mean the world to me.. And when I think about giving up on my relationship because I did not have their blessings – I still don’t understand whether I have done right or wrong.. They had pretty valid reasons to refuse the alliance which deep down even I know could lead to major issue (different social standing of the families, different outlook towards life of both the families etc)….. I’m still picking up my pieces and hopefully this phase too shall pass….

    #51165
    Anyone
    Participant

    Dear Nikki,

    Stop judging the past, because it WAS! Let the bygones, be bygones!

    And the person that should mean the world to you is YOU, even family comes after you! For the simple reason being, if you’re not happy, you won’t be able to make family or people around you happy.

    You weren’t bad; situations were. You would have played an already lost game, so stop repenting.

    You don’t need to be feeling guilty.

    We often feel obligated to the person who supported us through our low phase of life. Be grateful, thankful, if a situation comes where you can do something for this person, be helpful but with boundaries well-drawn. But there is no need to give up your life for this. This is more about being human. You will get your share of chance to help someone else; and once you’ve have it, make the most out of this opportunity, but don’t lament for something which is past.

    He has started moving; whether it good or not for him; that shouldn’t be your concern. It would be better for you to stop thinking about him.

    Nothing is wrong with you; it were the situations that were wrong. Please don’t be harsh on yourself. Count, Recall and put down on paper the good things you have done till now, even the smallest. You will see that you’re a worthy person. Don’t judge yourself based on one relation only, it’s not fair. You have your whole life ahead to do all the good things you would want to.

    Cheers!

    #51886
    Neetika
    Participant

    Sorry for not been able to get back to you in a long time!! I appreciate every little thing you said.. I’m in a transitory phase right now.. For a negative and overly sensitive person like me to start thinking positive seems so impossible.. But I’m going to take it as a challenge!!

    I’ve gone ahead and done another silly thing!! Our common friends who were good friends of mine, I ended up jeopardizing my relation with them because of whatever is happening in my life.. I screwed things up so bad.. I assumed that they were being more supportive towards him than towards me although they were spending more time with me.. But some things that they said didn’t go down well with me.. Instead of talking it out, I just slammed.. The problem that was never there before, I ended up creating it for myself.. And I feel worse because the friend of mine who I ended up hurting is pregnant..

    I don’t know where my life is heading..I’m sure whoever is reading this forum where I’m starting to pour my heart out, thinks I’m the worst person ever… I don’t know if those friends would ever forgive me and put this behind.. I have apologized profusely and I don’t know if things will ever change…

    But at the cost of losing friends, I surely have realized that I can’t let this break up destroy me.. I don’t want to be a weak person anymore… I’m seriously done with sobbing about every little aspect, always looking at the glass as half empty and not respecting myself and others…..

    #51887
    Neetika
    Participant

    I’m being labelled as selfish and insensitive… but just because I’m not able to get my emotions in check and life in control am I really all this…?

    #51889
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Nikki,

    We consider the world is against us, when we are with low self-esteem. I’m going through a similar phase. Working towards building self-esteem, so that I don’t go wrong at workplace at least. And I have done similar faux pas with my college friends long ago. When we’re lost, it happens. Accept it as a part of life too and move on by taking care of yourself.

    Please ignore all/any harsh comments you’re receiving at this time. Whatever is happening is only because you’re low. That’s why you need to take care of yourself, give yourself the love and care you deserve.

    http://www.self-esteem-experts.com/how-the-brain-works.html.

    Love n Light to you….Take care.

    Everything will be fine. If it’s not right, it’s not the end.

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