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How to let go

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  • #194707
    Rainbow
    Participant

    How do I heal after some posts I made on an internet forum got blown out of proportion. It’s been four years and I am finding it difficult to heal. I did not realise the intensity and the compelling tone in my words. I was in utter disbelief when the intent was misinterpreted. Since I did not expect this to happen, I froze and left the place. Now that I think about it, I know I was projecting my own feelings which came across like manipulation. I definitely hurt and caused confusion to so many people because it was a sensitive topic and I had no authority to act preachy. Since I wrote that way, people assumed I am an elderly person but I am not.

    I went through a bad psychological phase for two years. I could not believe that I was not aware of my intense emotions and was not aware of myself in general.

    I went there to vent and discuss but I realise I was in distress and I know it came across all righteous. Now, that I think about it, maybe i wrote that way to feel belonged? I am not sure.

    Since I left, it came across as passive aggressive and behaving like a victim. At that time I thought silence was the best way because I did not believe my words could comfort anyone anymore, after having hurt and offended so many people.

    I often think of going back and apologizing. I just don’t know many of these people or what was the magnitude of the forum. The forum got shut down according to me. My way of removing the post was a way of apology.

    People keep saying, what you resist persists. I never intended for any of this to happen. I always wanted to make amends but was at a loss of what actions to take.

    I spoke to some random people on another forum and they said that my guilt is exaggerated and that some situations in life remain open ended. Some of them told me to leave it as is and that is not possible to change the past. Even if the posts were awful, if one person liked it, it’s not that awful. She said learn your lessons and move on. Yet another person said I am not a superwoman to cause divisions in a community.

    A couple of people told me that it’s not worth losing sleep over.

    I wish I could rewind the past but I know I can’t.

    #194775
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rainbow:

    You can’t rewind the past but you can make thoughtful choices now. The way I finally forgave myself for some things I did in the past, things I would do a whole lot to rewind, if that was possible, was to make better and better choices in the present. I earned my self forgiveness by dedicated my time and effort to heal myself (or to avail myself to the process of healing, more accurately).

    You mentioned that you “went through a bad psychological phase for two years”- is that phase over, and if so, what is your current distress about, in other words, what needs to be healed?

    anita

    #194789
    Mark
    Participant

    The Internet is a rough and tumble place.  People’s worse parts of themselves come out when they can hide behind the screen without even using their real names.  Communication via text sucks as oppose to an real time, interactive, face-to-face dialog.

    I stay away from places that are not moderated.

    I find if I engage in real life, supportive friends are a good antidote for such bullying trauma.

    Mark

    #194895
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Thank you Mark and Anita. I really appreciate your replies.

    Anita, I just kept falling deeper into the pit. I kept going back to the forum reading up comments and internalizing them. Half of them began to support while the other half did not. I was screaming on the inside stop stop. It has been 4 years and people who read it have and those sensitive would be affected, offended. I feel bad that I could not shut it down. I went through a year of triggers when people spoke about such topics. I still do. I left groups on what’s app etc. Obsessive thoughts that I could make such a huge mistake is getting hard. I have been slightly melancholic all my life and after this incident I feel like I am just existing, like a zombie.

    #194899
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Rainbow,

    If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake.

    I will suggest you a healing technique depending on what you are experiencing right now.

    So what is the exact issue right now – is it only troublesome thoughts or do you experience certain negative feelings (perhaps somewhere in your body like chest, stomach, head etc.) or both of them partly.

    Let me know your inputs and I will suggest you accordingly.

    Don’t worry. Your healing has already begun since the time you realized that you did something wrong.

     

    ~VJ

     

     

    #194903
    Rainbow
    Participant

    VJ,

    The actual trouble is too many things.

    I feel that I have to go apologise to all the people on the internet which I know is not possible.

    They thought I am an elderly person and it hurts me to think I came across so manipulative. I must ve definitely manipulated my own mind. I wish I could clarify then but i froze. And now my own beliefs have changed, so I feel like I am a hypocrite. Not being able to come out of the closet and tell them that I was so and so and I am sorry. I am a pretty outgoing person and hiding this way is not making sense. I wish I could take away the hurt I caused people i.e if they took offense. Maybe all my beliefs were wrong maybe ( though people say I had the right to state my opinion), I don’t understand why this incident had to go so horribly wrong. It’s very psychological. I have to give myself the permission to be happy, move on and find a sense of self so that I don’t feel awful for every post I make though people may disagree with it. I have to get rid of extreme sensitivity. I have to learn to do away with fight/flight/freeze.

    I am practicing ho’oponopono, on and off and meditations. I have wheezing, migraines and some sort chronic pain on the left side of the body. I am taking alternate medicine. I have seen a counselor. I have to get back to a job but focus is not happening. And I lost my dad last year. Just too many things stressing me out at once. I am not giving up though. Thanks so much vj.

    #194905
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Rainbow,

    I was also going to suggest you ho’oponopono. It is a perfect solution to all of your problems. How is it going with you? How are you doing it? Since how long have you been doing and how many times a day?

     

    Best,

    VJ

    #194907
    Rainbow
    Participant

     

    I  started a month back, the practice. I am not consistent though:( whenever I read a comment anywhere on the internet that is associated with my past(triggers), I fall back badly and it takes time to recover, hence not s consistent. i remember I had made a comment on guilt and maybe unconsciously let people feel guilt of their past. When I read such stuff I drive myslef crazy. I have tried my best to shut off the triggers but I do feel socially isolated if I cut off too many things.

    Vj, has ho’oponopono given you tangible results? Or is it wrong for me to start with expectations in mind?

    #194925
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Rainbow,

    Yes I have found ho’oponopono to be effective and especially in these situations. This technique is based on Repentance – Forgiveness- Gratitude-Love, it is exactly what you need at this point of time.

    Only a healing technique is going to help you achieve to come out of your situation. I have found the technique to be effective but after I add my own variations to it which I am also going to tell you.

    Go through the below points in the order as it is mentioned below.

    i] Simply go through the articles with an open mind – http://www.upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness

    ii] www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple-steps

    iii] At times I do the formal technique using the regular words. But during the chanting the negative memories, the relationships, or the bad situation start to keep coming up on the surface. I then shift by saying several variations and I suggest you to do the same.

    For example;

    Multiple times I begin with I’m Sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.

    Then – I’m sincerely sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.

    Dear God, I am really sorry for all that I have done in the past. Please forgive me, Thank you, I Love you.

    I’m so sorry for all the mistakes that I have done in the past. Please forgive me, Thank you, I really Love you.

    I’m so very sorry for all the mistakes that I did in the past. It was all out of ignorance. So please forgive me, Thank you, I really Love you.

    I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me. Please bless all those people whom I have hurt. I thank you for that. I really love you.

    …and so on.

    And you need not worry much whom you are saying this to. If you have a God like figure in your life then say it to God. If not keep all those people, that website, that forum on the screen of your mind and do the chanting. Or simply say it out to nobody. You can do this anywhere – while standing in a queue, while cooking, while washing dishes, and especially during those times when the thoughts bother you. If I do not have the energy to chant loudly then I whisper silently. I sometimes even write it out on a sheet of paper repeatedly from the top to its bottom and then tear it out.

    You have to stop or at least minimize going to the website and the posts. Whenever there is an intense need to visit the posts, then don’t go immediately. Pause for a while. Move somewhere else. And Start the chanting.

     

    iv.]  Tonight just before going to bed put on your headphones and listen and chant along with the below video.

    Don’t take a look at the below right now. Do it tonight before going to bed or if it is early morning for you by the time to read this then do it now.

    (www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pfNkNKIaMo)

    This is just for the first time. Later on you can listen the video anytime you want.

     

    No it is not at all wrong for you to start with any expectations. But you simply have to do the practice. Do it continuously and diligently for 21 days as that is the minimum number of days required to form a new habit.

    You can let me know your progress and I will suggest you if anything is needed.

     

    Take care,

    ~VJ

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by VJ.
    #194929
    Rainbow
    Participant

    I’ll go through the resources and keep in mind the consistency part of it. I never went back on that site and it got shut down because of too many conflicts I think, I am not sure. Maybe many discussions on various things started. Since it’s been a long time, it propagated on FB and so on I think. I try to minimise my internet time but sometimes it’s hard.

    I really appreciate your comprehensive reply. Thanks for taking the time to write it out for me VJ. I love doing the technique. I will be sincere about it and pray for healing. I should move on since it’s 4 years, a long time. I will let you know about the progress. Thanks once again 🙂

    Hugs to you 🙂 Have a lovely day:)

    #194985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rainbow:

    You did not mention what those posts you made four years ago were about. Reading how emotional you are about these, I hesitate to ask you to share about what you expressed in those posts, four years ago. But because this issue is so painful for you, it may help to do so. Maybe I can help you get a better understanding of what is so severely distressing you.

    If you would like, if you can handle it and choose to do so, will you share what it is you communicated in those posts? If you do, please make it short, just what it is you stated there (no later, retroactive commentary)?

    anita

    #197149
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sorry for the delay in reply. I was on a ten day silent Vipassana retreat where we hand over our gadgets to them?

    After returning, I did not feel like turning my attention outward, hence the delay.

    Well, four years back and before that I was reading up Buddhist literature on forgiveness etc because I had to practice it. In my passion for forgiveness,I said something which maybe I should not have – on the lines of being a savior? It did offend some folks. I recognize now that self love is of primary importance. I was in an intensely emotional frame of mind.  Even now I am in disbelief as to how it became so big. I have accepted it. I am doing ho’oponopono so that I can clean my subconscious mind of all the memories. A million reasonings will not help me understand why it had to happen. Unexpected things happen all the time to people as well as unconscious mistakes and reactions. I have to accept it and move on. I will take it as a learning after I have sincerely regretted my actions. I will try to be more aware going forward and practice self love ?

    Have a good day Anita?

    #197151
    Rainbow
    Participant

    I meant to put smileys but I wonder how it got replaced with question marks. Lol. Sorry for that 🙂

    #197155
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rainbow:

    “on the lines of being a savior?”- I don’t understand: you mean that you suggested to others that  you are their savior?

    anita

    #197163
    Rainbow
    Participant

    I was highly intensely emotional in my written tone. I suggested taking care of someone more than oneself which was wrong. I am rephrasing the words. I did not realise my fault. Afterwards I did. I know self love is important. Now, I try to be mindful when thinking and speaking. I realise the beliefs i built up over 15 years was a result of my upbringing. This incident shattered my ego. I understand that forgiveness is important but letting go of guilt, trying to heal, being cheerful, self love are equally important.

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