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How to Move On? I dont know why this happened.

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #318971

    Aradhna
    Participant

    I met a friend in my Company. His name is Nishant. we became very good freinds, in over 6 months.The friendship started in Feb and ended in August.

    Earlier i used to go hiking with him, then we started to have lunch together, then we started hanging out together and the hiking continued. He became a very good friend of mine. He had a very different mindset though. He did not bother what others think of themselves, he was of the attitude of what he thinks is right for himself and his opinion of others. He used to tell me that if a person does not behaves according to his thinking then he would stop talking to them. Because he cant stay with them any longer.

    I did notice him doing this with some of his company friends. Little did i know that it would happen to me some day. I became very close to him. I felt that he started to like me but i was not sure. Also i started to like him since July even i was not sure whether it was liking or not. I did not have any intentions but it happened eventually since we started to spend so much time together.

    We planned a hiking trip in which his friend, Akshay, Akshay’s girlfriend  and both of us. But due to some circumstances my sister had to come to visit me, so i asked her to come along on the hike. He persuaded me to not bring her but i couldnt do anything and i cannot put my family below anything. He got upset as to why i was bringing her. And then all 5 of us went hiking. He did not talk to me properly entire time.  Then after some days i managed to make him normal.

    Then one day i left my friend alone for lunch as she came late and i already finished my lunch.I couldn’t wait as i cannot spent more than 1 hr on lunch and she came after 1 hr. Also she was okay with having lunch alone.  Also she eats very slowly so i was not able to wait for her. He was there he saw me leaving her alone so he said to me that it was wrong of me leaving her alone. I explained to him the situation but he was adamant that i was wrong and i shouldn’t have done that.

    Second instance was there were 4 people having lunch together his friend, my friend, nishant and i. We finished our lunch and went for a walk and my friend wanted to have a personal talk with me. So i asked both of them that i will join them after a while. When the conversation was over my friend left and i went and joined both of them. Later on he scolds me and said that i was behaving like a child and i was stupid and that, such behavior of not being in the group is not good. The conversations could have happened afterwards and we would have walked together. I fought with him saying that if he doesn’t know the context he cannot say that. And its up to me whom to talk to and when.

    After that he did not talk to me and then after a week i asked him to come and meet me, when i went to meet him. He said that he stops hanging out with people who behave like this. The same thing happened with me. His words broke me. And its been 2 months since we have talked. I sometimes cry as to why he did this. I have become emotionally weak after him doing this to me. I dont know where i went wrong or is this reason even viable to break such a good friendship i had with him. I miss him a lot. I feel that was it so easy for him to break the friendship. I am having difficulty in moving on. i remember everything and the memories come flashing everytime. How to forget him. I just wanna know why he did this to me.

    Was i wrong, Can these reasons be the reasons for ending the friendship. Please help me. I dont want to think anymore i am overthinking and  doubting myself. Please be honest !!

     

     

    #318977

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arhadna:

    Let’s take one example that you gave, your friend at work showing to lunch late, you have only one hour for lunch break and she was okay eating alone. Yet Nishant told you that you were wrong leaving your friend behind to eat alone. Even after you explained to him the situation, “he was adamant that I was wrong and I shouldn’t have done that”.

    Let’s say the issue of your 1 hour limit for lunch was not an issue, and let’s say the fact that she was late for lunch was not an issue. But “she was okay with having lunch alone”.

    She was okay with having lunch alone but he was not okay with her having lunch alone. See the problem here? Let’s say you were to continue a friendship with him, maybe start a romantic relationship, maybe get married with him, and

    -you are wearing a green shirt because it is okay with you to wear a green shirt- but it may not be okay with him, so you have to wear what he is  okay with.

    -you spend time with friend X, you are okay with it, X is okay with it, but if Nishant is not okay with it.. why you must not spend time with X. You must spend time only with who Nishant is okay with, for as long as Nishant says it is okay.

    -anything you do is okay as long as Nishant says it is okay. Can you  imagine having children with Nishant? They will not have the freedom to breathe, unless he says it is okay.

    He is my-way-or-the-freeway kind of a guy (It is his way or he kicks you out of his life, isn’t he?

    anita

    #318999

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Arhadna,

    This is the type of person who will always be lonely. The common denominator of his friend loss is HIM. You probably behaved like the scores of other people who inevitably pissed him off. When he confronts you he is testing you to see if you will comply to his bidding. But you cannot be controlled. So he gets mad. Oh well! Let him be mad. Observe all the upset and chaos HE is creating and say to yourself, “Isn’t this interesting.”

    Rejoice!

    You are free!

    Inky

    #319041

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Arhadna,

    I agree with Anita and Inky. This man is one who likes to have complete control, and you are someone that he has found he cannot completely control, so he no longer wants to be around you just like he doesn’t want to be around anyone else he can’t control. He HAS to be in control of the people in his life.

    You were right to not let him control you. You did the right things here. This is a blessing for you to have gotten away from someone like this.  You formed an attachment when you two had gotten so close, and it will take some time and distance from him for that to dissolve and for you to feel more detached, but once you do, you will feel better and will likely see this for the blessing that it is. Good riddance!

    #319295

    Aradhna
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you all for your valuable insights. I was very devastated when this happened to me. I was hoping that some day he might realize that it was very wrong for him to behave so rudely to anyone. But now i don’t care. may god bless his soul.

    Your views have given me a different perspective. Thank you. I feel that it was a blessing, that i got rid of him.

    #319301

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aradhna:

    You are welcome. It is a blessing to not have certain people in our personal lives. Especially when it comes to choosing a life partner- you want a person who will be a blessing not only to you but- if you plan to have a child or children with the person- better see to it that he will be a blessing (and not a curse) to your children as well!

    anita

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