Dear Dee:

Yes, I didn’t know of your yesterday’s 7:39 pm post until I read your most recent post today. Your boyfriend is in the U.S. Air Force and he was accused of sexual assault.

There’s been extensive recent media coverage on the topic. You can read plenty about it online, including in these Wikipedia entries: (1)  Sexual assault in the United States armed forces (2) United States Air Force Basic Training scandal (which is about the military sex scandal which took place on a base in San Antonio, involving 43 female trainees allegedly victimized by their instructors during and after basic military training beginning in 2009), (3) 2003 United States Air Force Academy sexual assault scandal, (4) The Invisible War which is about a documentary film on the topic of sexual assault in the United States military.

You shared that you overheard your boyfriend, K, talking about it with a friend. Following that, he told you about it “while very emotional and under the influence”, that “it makes him really upset”,  that he “cries almost any time he does actually talk about it”, that he told friends that “if the case ends up going south for him when he goes to trial he is going to end his own life”.

You wrote that “it’s basically a he said she said deal”, that you know “who K is, a really good and generally positive person.. One of the most generally respectful gentlemanly guys I’ve met”, and that you “just know he didn’t do anything wrong”.

– From what you shared, I have no reason to think that he did not sexually assault the female soldier who accused him of such for these reasons: (1) Generally speaking, I don’t think that female soldiers are motivated to lie about being sexually assaulted go through all the trouble that awaits them following such accusations, (2) It has been proven that sexual assault has been quite common in the U.S. military, (3) Being emotional and upset is understandable for anyone being charged with a crime-  it does not indicate that K is innocent (or guilty) of the charge, or charges, (4) The fact that you perceive K to be good, positive and gentlemanly does not indicate that he is innocent of the charge. Some of his behaviors (being on hookup sites, etc.) do not at all sound “good” or “gentlemanly” to me, (5) It is common for romantic partners of men who were convicted of sexual crimes in a court of law, following plenty of proof, to insist nonetheless that their man is innocent.

“I feel he thinks his life is going to completely fall apart so he wants to go and have as much fun as he can before he never gets to again. It makes sense to me as someone who has a similar outlook to him”- can you describe to me, based on your similar outlook to his, (1) How is it that a scared man, scared of his career coming to an end, scared of a trial.. scared of possible imprisonment.. how can he be motivated to “have as much fun”? And (2) How does Fear and Fun co-exist, in your experience?

anita

Dear Dee:

You are welcome. I am so glad to read that you are “10000% about women’s empowerment and would not have ever imagined myself supporting the suspect in a case like this… I don’t want people to think I’m terrible for still supporting K/ not believing the girl”-

– It is true that there are women who lie and make up sexual assault allegations against men. But there are a whole lot more men who lie and claim that the women they assaulted lied about the assault. For a lot of men it is a .. right to use a woman’s body for his sexual pleasure, whether she consents to it or not, and when she resists his sexual advances- he feels wronged for being.. unfairly denied his (non-existing) right!

“K is also fairly close to my family and for him to share what is going on with him during down times at least with my brother who has had a somewhat similar situation is kind of big and something I don’t think he would do if he weren’t being 100%”-

– (1) He is fairly close to you and yet he repeatedly lied to you.

-(2) Your brother was accused of a sexual offense he did not commit, no wonder then that K is willing to share being accused of a sexual offense with an empathetic person.

“I think about it pretty often how I am dating someone who has potentially done such an awful thing… It makes me feel bad myself as I worry about the way people perceive me and I don’t want people to think I’m terrible for still supporting K/ not believing the girl”-

– question is were there previous sexual misconduct allegations made against K in the military or otherwise… ? Often a person charged with an offense, has done that same/ similar offense repeatedly in the past, and got away with it.. before getting in legal trouble for the first time.

anita

Dear Dee,

I’ve been following your exchange with anita, and she’s given you some really good insight into why you might be tolerating your boyfriend’s cheating on you. You said you value honesty above all, and that you’re open to explore all kinds of relationship arrangements – as long as your partner is honest about what he wants:

I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me.

I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further.

However, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value honesty, on the contrary, he seems to get his pleasure and excitement from cheating. The reason I am saying this is when you once had a swinger deal, he couldn’t get erection, even though the woman was a type who’d your boyfriend would typically be very attracted to. This tells me it’s not exciting for him to be with other women if you know about it, but only if it’s in secret.

You say he loves you very much:

We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well.

It could be that two forces are working in him: one is the need for love and attachment, which he gets from you, and the other is the need to rebel and be “naughty” – which he gets from cheating on you with other women. The reason could be in his childhood relationship with his dominant mother – he loves her a lot, and at the same time wants to rebel against her dominance. This is just one possible explanation.

The point is that what you’re looking in him – honesty – is exactly what he might not be able to give you. At least not unless he would attend some serious therapy.

You say that his cheating behavior may be due to his fear for the future, since he might end up in jail for his alleged sexual misconduct. So he wants to make the best use of his time and have fun while he still can. But even if that’s the case, it means that his idea of “fun” is cheating on you. It’s not going to trips with you, or movies, or do other things that people usually have on their bucket list. So even if your explanation for his cheating is true, it’s bad news for you. No matter how you look at it, he’s a cheater and it might be stronger than him.

I know you really like this guy, even love him. You even said that if it doesn’t work out with him, you won’t be dating any more. But it seems to me it can’t work out with him, unless you want the status quo to continue: knowing about his unfaithfulness but not confronting him.