Dear Kylee:

You wrote in this post Oct 2019: “I always end up feeling wrong for how I feel or perceive things… thoughts of self doubt and doubt on others pop up. I find it hard to know if what I am feeling is reality or just me making it up because I feel insecure or unsure of things”-

– in other words, when you are in a relationship with a man, you don’t know what is happening. You think this or that may be happening, but then you doubt your perception of reality, thinking maybe you are wrong, maybe what you thought was happening is not happening.

This is congruent with what you shared in previous threads, as long back as September 2017 regarding a previous relationship: “In this relationship that just ended, its really hard for me to  identify at times whether its me being anxious or if the person is just not doing that much… I  know that I need to try and learn better how to identify what I’m thinking and feeling vs what is actually happening.

Same problem two years apart (see what I italicized). We discussed very little your father coming in and out of your life whenever he pleased. We didn’t talk at all about  your relationship with your mother. If you want to (for the purpose of uncovering the origin of your lack of trust in your perception of reality), we can do that, starting with my question: did your mother explain to you the behavior by your father, and if so, what did she say to explain to you why he was in and out of your life as he pleased?

If you don’t want to  discuss the above, or  in addition to  it, let’s look at a behavior or an observation you made most recently (this thread), the perception of reality you had based on that observation and then your doubt: “we get to his house.. I saw an empty condom box”- your perception was that he recently had sex with another woman or other women. Because of that perception, you were “triggered.. so  hard!!. got extremely upset” and told him to take you home. But before he did, you “asked him if he was seeing any0ne else or messing around and he said no”.

Question: did you ask him about the empty box of condom and what do you think it means, at this point in time?

anita

Hi Kylee,

First, I think what you’re feeling is normal, and I think it’s something that will go away with time so you just have to be patient with yourself and by the sounds of things, it’s smart to distance yourself from this guy and keep him at a distance.

I often will just not respond to him because I cant tell if its going to go anywhere based on things prior. I try to be clear as possible stating like this is what I need in the relationship and he said ok but then he doesnt really put fourth action. Or he does “sometimes” and the action is usually so minimal. But then i feel so guilty for thinking that or “crazy” because maybe Im not understanding his perspective or thats what he thinks. He keeps saying we are together and then he wont see or talk to me.

You are doing the right thing by not responding to him. His actions aren’t lining up with his words, so he’s not a good person for you to have in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you realizing that and deciding to not respond, no matter what his perspective is.  Think of it as a healthy boundary. You want people to mean what they say and do what they say they’re going to do, right? So it makes sense that someone who does the opposite should not be allowed into your life.

 I saw an empty condemn box which triggered me so hard!! I got extremely upset and I said take me home this isnt going to work out. he simply said ok (he didnt know i saw the box) I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or messing around and he said no. I told him I didnt belive him but so badly I want to trust him and make this work. anyway then he said we werent together but wants to be but then last week he said we were together. So its just a lot of back an fourth and then I feel soooo bad and guilty for how i reacted and i feel like i just mess it all up.

Trust your instincts here. An empty condom box? You reacted exactly how you should in that instance. You aren’t the one messing this up. Do you feel like you deserve better than the treatment this guy is giving you?  This guy is showing you who he is. If you don’t like how he’s acting or how he treats you, it’s definitely time to let him go because his behavior isn’t changing, and I wouldn’t expect it to change for the foreseeable future (because he doesn’t see an issue with how he’s treating you so he’s not going to change it), no matter how badly you wish it would.

This all leads to such obsessing thoughts on my end and its so hard to proceed forward with or without this person. I constantly feel like there is something wrong with me or that I cant handle a relationship or whatever fills my thoughts. I am noticing a tendency in myself that I just keep allowing these situations to happen to me because I want something to work out so bad even when its obviously not working. I have already tried to let go but then they come back and im back at square one.

First thing to do is detach from this guy. His behavior is him and who he is as a person, not anything you’re doing or not doing. This isn’t you.  But you may want to take some time to try to dive into why you’re attracted to guys like this or why you’re allowing yourself to put up with this behavior and why you continue to go back to it when he keeps doing it. Once you figure that out and change whatever belief you have there, you will attract better guys and won’t settle for less than the treatment you know you deserve. Even if that means you have to be single for a long time.

I always try to fill my time with other things but I just cant stop thinking about the situation or what I could have done differently or what if I never spoke up maybe everything would be normal and fine. I just feel so upset and consumed and I wanna just block and delete him from everything and never look back but I also dont want to do that.

What is the longest length of time that you have blocked him/stopped talking to him for?  You’re on the right track with that but it takes time to detach from someone. It’s like an addiction…. you’re going to have cravings but you have to ignore them and work hard to not give in until you don’t have them anymore.

I feel like Ill never have a healthy nice relationship because I just obsess or overthink everything. I just want a peace of mind and to feel whole and happy and when a reltionship does re enter or whatever that i can just trust the process and not be so doubtful.

Overthinking is something you can work on and improve.  I’ve had to do this too because I used to be the same way. Spend some time reading about mindfulness, redirecting thoughts to the present, tools to fix thought errors. Read as much as you can on those things until you find some things that really click with you and help you to be able to change that behavior. It can absolutely be done. And you can get yourself to a point where you are happy and whole without a relationship and that’s exactly when you end up with a good guy because you won’t stand for anything less than that because you know you’ll be happy without a guy too.

Dear Kylee:

You are welcome. Well, I am back to suggesting to you what I suggested in your previous thread (you didn’t reply there to my suggestion). Restated here: remove the sexual element from the relationship and see what happens. Tell him that you want to date him, meet him for the movies, or a restaurant or a walk in a park, a hike or whatnot, only not in his place and not in your place, not anywhere were sex can take place.

The purpose of this would be to encourage what you need from him: talking, communicating, making things clear between the two of you.

You will also find out this way if his interest in you is strictly sexual.

anita

Dear Kylee:

You wrote in your original post: “maybe I’m not understanding his perspective or .. what he thinks”. In your recent post you wrote, “he doesn’t want to have sex right now because he doesn’t want me to think he’s just using me for that”.

Questions:

1. Do you have any idea at all about “his perspective” and what “he thinks”?

2. When you do get together with him, do the two of you have sex each time; did he have sex with you at any time after telling you that he doesn’t want to?

-if he does, how does it come  about that he has sex with you even though he doesn’t want to- do you ask him to have sex with you (“I asked to spend the night”, original post)?

anita

Dear Kylee:

You are welcome. I think you are too scared to say the wrong thing, too scared to lose him. You are not calm enough to look at the situation as it is. If fear is like fog in your vision, what you see/hear is a collection of small parts of the big picture (a condom box, a messy room, the words he says), but you don’t connect those parts and see the whole picture.

Too much fog/ fear.

I can help you see the whole picture, if you want. Here is my suggestion: make a record of all  interactions between you and him from the latest: time and place you met or communicated and a shot summary of what was said and what was discussed (if anything) about the next meeting/ communication.

And keep the record going, every communication, every meeting, a sort of journal, and post it here. I will then give you my input.

anita